weddings

The Bachelor: Boring people stay boring, Jojo FTW

The season finale of the Bachelor aired this week on ABC, with Bachelor Ben Higgins proposing to flight attendant, Lauren Bushnell.

Ok. I’ve had a few people ask me how I feel about the results and even though IDGAF, I think Ben made the right choice for his vanilla-christian lite lifestyle. Ben is a babe, don’t get me wrong, but we rarely got to see him make a joke, take off his shirt or do anything without crying. Lauren is beautiful, there’s no doubt about that- she has the Aryan teenage dream, size 2, zero cellulite thing going on. The two had an undeniable missionary position chemistry that Bachelor fans love. I find them boring. I already don’t care about their relationship.

Personally, I was a fan of Jojo, the 24-year old super tanned Isla Fisher doppelganger sporting ombre locks and a Cartier love bracelet (Oh yes, I noticed). Jojo is hot, and I’m going out on a limb here and saying her boobs are fake, but I’m not judging – I’m envying that she has enough money for the love bracelet and the tit job. The thing about Jojo is that she was TOO much for Ben; too sexy, too sweet. With Jojo as the new Bachelorette, I want to see her with a former-athlete type who, I don’t know, rescues dogs and thinks he writes good poetry. Something like that.

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Joelle “Jojo” Fletcher – Source 

The season was, arguably, one of the best in Bachelor franchise history, with several stand out contestants. We had Lace, the Pinot Grigio enthusiast with entitlement issues, who many people thought was the front-runner as the season’s resident villain. In a moment of clarity and self-awareness, Lace excused herself from the Bachelor, saying she needed to work on herself before she could find love. Lil Lace proved to be the smartest one of the bunch when she realized competing with 25 women for the attention of one man is f*cked up and unhealthy.

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Then there was Jubilee, the Haitian born sergeant in the US Army, who ruffled feathers with the other contestants by being “awkward” and the self proclaimed “full black” contestant. Jubilee’s presence reintroduced the topic of diversity on the show, and many were hoping Jubilee would become the first black Bachelorette. Jubes was also the victim of some serious girl shit, with several nameless, irrelevant contestants hounding Jubilee for not being a cookie-cutter fake-ass bitch.

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Bullying was taken to the NEXT level with Olivia, the slightly delusional Cameron Diaz clone who made enemies right away by receiving the First Impression Rose. Olivia…liked to embellish her connection with Ben. Maybe romanticize the situation a little, and got carried away with her pop culture Teen Mom references. However entertaining her behaviour was for viewers at home, Olivia quickly became the target of internet trolls, and was cut up by all of her fellow cast mates on the Women Tell All for having bad breath and cankles.

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Not cool.

I talk a lot of shit on this blog, mostly in jest, but I seriously dislike when people are ganged up on by their peers. I side with the under-dog at all times. Olivia and Jubes- I got chu.

My friends and I gathered every Monday to watch the Bachelor for some girl chat and junk food. For the finale, we went all out! Here are some pictures from our Bachelor Finale viewing party!

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Our amazing t-shirts designed and made by my friend, Olivia!

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The Monday night squad!

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A party without cake is just a meeting

Did you watch the Bachelor finale?

Were you happy with Ben’s pick?

 

Are they going to make it? Let’s chat!

 

 

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My Best Friend’s Wedding

Kit and Jeff are married!

Marriage!

Vows!

Commitment!

Three things that usually send me into hives brought endless joy to my circle of friends on Saturday, September 5th when one of my best friends in the entire world tied the knot in an intimate, DIY, Pinterest-worthy wedding.

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The wedding was perfect but holy Hannah, it was hot. Like, a preview to my afterlife in Hell, hot (lounge chair for one by the pool, please, Satan!). It was 35C not including the humidity. For the Americans in the room that’s about 95F, with air so thick you could cut it like butter (yum, butter).

Every guest in attendance was in tears as they exchanged their vows under a beautiful tree in their backyard. Jeff was adorably emotional as he told Kit he knew she was the one, “when she used his favourite expletive on their first date at Montanas.”  She dropped the big see you next Tuesday on a first date. That’s my girl!

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We feasted on delicious food and drank ourselves silly (I blame the heat), not before guests played board games well into the night. Headbands after a few glasses of wine is my new favourite thing in the world. A late night Taco truck gave guests some much needed nosh to soak up the alcohol and send us to bed with full tummies.

I enjoyed every minute of Jeff and Kit’s big day. Even though I was stood up by my date (Damn you, Ben Affleck*) my mom was the perfect stand in.

Here are some pictures from the wedding!

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Friday Five: Bachelorette Parties, Taylor Swift and More!

I say it every week but…. TGIF!

We made it!

I’m so glad it’s the weekend. I’ve been extremely tired this week. So tired that as I was doing my make-up yesterday morning, I couldn’t figure out why the cap to my concealer wouldn’t fit back on. It took several tries before I finally realized my error.

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I had a good, maniacal, sleep deprived laugh at myself.

Why am I so tired?

Funny you should ask. I’ve been on the GO lately. I spent almost all of August housesitting for family and friends. This past weekend, I went all out to host a Bachelorette Party for one of my best friends.

*Warning, if you’re under the age of 18 please be advised that you’ll see some phallic images after the cut. I’m not your Mom, so I don’t care what you see. Just giving you a heads up. Pun intended.

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Weekend Roundup – Vineyard Wedding edition

This weekend was a beautiful blur!

On Saturday, Matt’s older brother was married in what was quite possibly the prettiest wedding I’ve ever been to!  Mark and Kelly moved to Australia a few years ago, but decided to come back to Ontario to get married in Niagara on the Lake at the Riverbend Inn & Vineyard. It was a picturesque, movie material, magazine worthy wedding.

Since I’m a halfsie (Italian/Irish) most of the weddings I’ve been to, save for the weddings I’ve worked on, have been in banquet halls. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good banquet hall – you’ve got air conditioning, your hair doesn’t droop, your dress doesn’t stick to your ass that’s sweating profusely, it’s great; but it was nice to switch it up and experience a new venue!

Matt’s aunt, the talented Sheri Minardi, took some amazing snaps of the wedding.

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Here’s a pic I snapped for my friends of Matt’s boutonniere/bowtie/pocket square. The details for this wedding were unreal!

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Source: iPhone5

Bonus to having a photographer in the family? This faux engagement-like picture she took of me and my favourite groomsman!

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I had a last minute dress crisis the day before the wedding, and wound up running to Forever 21 and picking up this layered slip dress. Who knew it would match the sunset?

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Wedding season can be expensive for guests. So I was so happy to find an affordable dress and pair it with some nude heels I already had. Click here for similar.

In case you’re wondering… hair and lashes ain’t mine. Bellami Piccolina extensions in in off black and drugstore brand falsies.

BTW, I’m not a fashion blogger, and this is as close to fashion blog as I’ll ever get. I just wanted everyone to know my dress was cheap and that half of my look is fake fake fake!

It’s Wedding Season! Mix it up, Brides! (I’m begging you)

With wedding season in full force, many of you brides-to-be are probably panicking, trying to come up with a unique song to make your first dance as a married couple extra special.

You’re probably thinking: “Hey, What’s that one Shania Twain song that everyone loved in the 90s?” or “I’ve always loved Bon Jovi…any power ballad really. Let’s make people cry as we dance with our dry ice machine!”

No.

Don’t do it.

Just please, don’t.

Ladies and gentleman…

Grow Old With Me, by Tom ODell

I’ve got 5 weddings lined up for this summer, and I’m secretly praying one of my friends adds this song to her wedding playlist.

It’s cute, romantic and will get your guests right in the feelings. They might shovel out more money because you’re so adorable.

In all seriousness, it’s an adorable song. Give it to your videographer for your same-day edit or your wedding video. I’ve got PLENTY of suggestions. Maybe I’ll do a few more of these posts as we get deeper into wedding season.

Until then…Click play and enjoy.

You’re welcome.

Angelina Jolie kills it in refrigerator chic wedding gown

Ok, listen. Angelina Jolie is basically the closest thing I have to Jesus. She’s here to forgive your sins and make more money than a small country. All y’all may not get it, but to me she’s perfection.

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Photos were released today from Jolie’s August nuptials to Brad Pitt and let me tell you, my phone was blowin’ up! Not really. Maybe like, three people texted me. I should also mention I’m watching Chrisely Knows Best so that’s why my tone is a little southern and sassy. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit. Anyways, my friends were less than impressed with Jolie’s Atelier Versace gown and Colour Me Mine veil, but I was immediately in love.

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Let’s face it. Pitt and Jolie did this for the kids. In the 9 years that they’ve been genetically superior to us all as a power couple, they’ve been deflecting questions about tying the knot. Then came the engagement and Jolie’s recent health issues, and it seemed like it was finally time for the clan to cement their status and head down the aisle. For better or worse, for richer and even richer, in sickness and in health, for as long as their box office reign continues.

This wedding wasn’t cookie cutter. Style Me Pretty is probably having heart palpitations at the lack of blush and lace. Mindy Weiss probably wasn’t attached to this. This was all Zarhara Jolie-Pitt and Co. You know these kids planned everything top to bottom. They probably scribbled for days to design that veil. You mad at it? Just remember collectively and individually they have more money and pull than you. They must have been so excited to see their design on their Madre (I think I spotted a robot on that veil). To be honest, I would pay money to hear Shiloh explain those drawings – it would probably blow my mind and be some big commentary on the strength of the human spirit.

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Would I ever let my kids design an aspect of my wedding? Probably not. I’m just not that good of a person. Plus, I’m not pretty enough to be a human refrigerator and display my kid’s artwork. Everyone would think I fell asleep in a kindergarten classroom and was the victim of a drive-by art attack. Angelina on the other hand kills it. She looks proud, happy and (obviously) beautiful.
Face it. Angelina doesn’t give a rat’s behind about your fashion standards. She does everything and anything strictly to make her family happy. If you got a problem with that, go back to IMDB and pick a new celeb to troll.

Me and my saviour? We’re outta here.

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