tv

The Bachelor: Boring people stay boring, Jojo FTW

The season finale of the Bachelor aired this week on ABC, with Bachelor Ben Higgins proposing to flight attendant, Lauren Bushnell.

Ok. I’ve had a few people ask me how I feel about the results and even though IDGAF, I think Ben made the right choice for his vanilla-christian lite lifestyle. Ben is a babe, don’t get me wrong, but we rarely got to see him make a joke, take off his shirt or do anything without crying. Lauren is beautiful, there’s no doubt about that- she has the Aryan teenage dream, size 2, zero cellulite thing going on. The two had an undeniable missionary position chemistry that Bachelor fans love. I find them boring. I already don’t care about their relationship.

Personally, I was a fan of Jojo, the 24-year old super tanned Isla Fisher doppelganger sporting ombre locks and a Cartier love bracelet (Oh yes, I noticed). Jojo is hot, and I’m going out on a limb here and saying her boobs are fake, but I’m not judging – I’m envying that she has enough money for the love bracelet and the tit job. The thing about Jojo is that she was TOO much for Ben; too sexy, too sweet. With Jojo as the new Bachelorette, I want to see her with a former-athlete type who, I don’t know, rescues dogs and thinks he writes good poetry. Something like that.

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Joelle “Jojo” Fletcher – Source 

The season was, arguably, one of the best in Bachelor franchise history, with several stand out contestants. We had Lace, the Pinot Grigio enthusiast with entitlement issues, who many people thought was the front-runner as the season’s resident villain. In a moment of clarity and self-awareness, Lace excused herself from the Bachelor, saying she needed to work on herself before she could find love. Lil Lace proved to be the smartest one of the bunch when she realized competing with 25 women for the attention of one man is f*cked up and unhealthy.

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Then there was Jubilee, the Haitian born sergeant in the US Army, who ruffled feathers with the other contestants by being “awkward” and the self proclaimed “full black” contestant. Jubilee’s presence reintroduced the topic of diversity on the show, and many were hoping Jubilee would become the first black Bachelorette. Jubes was also the victim of some serious girl shit, with several nameless, irrelevant contestants hounding Jubilee for not being a cookie-cutter fake-ass bitch.

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Bullying was taken to the NEXT level with Olivia, the slightly delusional Cameron Diaz clone who made enemies right away by receiving the First Impression Rose. Olivia…liked to embellish her connection with Ben. Maybe romanticize the situation a little, and got carried away with her pop culture Teen Mom references. However entertaining her behaviour was for viewers at home, Olivia quickly became the target of internet trolls, and was cut up by all of her fellow cast mates on the Women Tell All for having bad breath and cankles.

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Not cool.

I talk a lot of shit on this blog, mostly in jest, but I seriously dislike when people are ganged up on by their peers. I side with the under-dog at all times. Olivia and Jubes- I got chu.

My friends and I gathered every Monday to watch the Bachelor for some girl chat and junk food. For the finale, we went all out! Here are some pictures from our Bachelor Finale viewing party!

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Our amazing t-shirts designed and made by my friend, Olivia!

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The Monday night squad!

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A party without cake is just a meeting

Did you watch the Bachelor finale?

Were you happy with Ben’s pick?

 

Are they going to make it? Let’s chat!

 

 

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The Bachelorette – Finally, Finale

Finally, this season is over.

Mama mia. I thought it would never end. I’m a huge fan of the Bachelor franchise but I was getting a little tired/uncomfortable/fed up with the slut shaming, name calling, and d*ck measuring contest of this season!

Last night, Kaitlyn Bristowe said “YES” to Shawn Booth, a 28 year old personal trainer from Nashville. Only in Hollywood would that seem like a catch (no offense to all the personal trainers out there, I just have absolutely no use for you). Now Kaitlyn, a dance instructor (is that a job?) and Shawn can start their lives together in his and hers Under Armor.

Seriously. My first thought when I saw that Shawn (who is very good looking) was a personal trainer was, “Does he get benefits? What about dental?”

If he’s smart, he’ll start his own fitness Instagram account and parlay this overnight fame into some $$$.

I’m always interested in post-Bachelor/Bachelorette life; probably because it shows the worst of humanity. People get a taste of fame, then all of a sudden quit their jobs, or whatever they passed as a job for the show (re: dog walker, free spirit), and begin to feed into the Instagram machine with sponsored posts and guest appearances at night clubs.

Methinks Kaitlyn’s been through the ringer. She deserves a little R & R, paid for by ABC, on a remote island with her beloved fitness professional.

Whether Kaitlyn and Shawn stand the test of time is anyone’s guess. In Bachelor Nation anything longer than 6 months is considered a success. I’m just glad we can stop talking about this batch of contestants and start fresh…with a whole new season of Bachelor in Paradise premiering August 2nd.

Huzzah!

Desperation, sand and alcohol! Get your cameras rolling!

If I seem a little snarky today, I apologize. I’m still not feeling like myself and would much rather be wearing elastic waist pants in bed burrowed under a duvet fort, listening to Michael Bolton songs than showered, dressed and part of the real world.

I hope I feel like myself soon, but until then… I’ll eat my feelings and harass my friends with text messages and phone calls to combat my loneliness.

#winning

Throwback Thursday: 90’s Heartthrob edition

Last Friday, after spending the evening with my nieces, I stayed up until two in the morning watching the Backstreet Boys documentary, Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of on Netflix.

The next day at a bridal shower, I decided to show my friends all the choreography to the BSB video for “As Long as You Love Me.”  This then prompted an hour long acapella jam session where my girlfriends and I spit out every BSB, Hanson, N*Sync, Spice Girls and Britney Spears song we could think of.

In honour of the Instagram ritual of #ThrowBackThursday, I present to you a post dedicated to the teen heartthrobs who made us weak in the knees.

*This list is an all blond zone. It’s basically an Aryan wet dream. If you’re looking for diversity, I hate to break it to you, but the 90’s was ruled by blond boys.

Let’s delve deep!

Devon Sawa & Jonathan Taylor Thomas – The Gateway Drugs

If you were a pre-teen/teenager during the 90’s, it was impossible to open a magazine (Tiger Beat was my fave) and not find a poster insert of either Devon Sawa or JTT.

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While there were the girls who only watched Home Improvement for the total of five minutes that shaggy haired Jonathan was on screen, I was Team Sawa.

My friends and I creepily paused the scene in Now & Then to when a naked Devon runs in front of the camera to retrieve his clothes after going skinny dipping. That scene single handedly taught me about the male anatomy, which should be troubling for you because that means I thought all male appendages were in proportion to a 14 year old male’s privates. The reality check I received years later was both pleasant, and then disheartening when I realized there were in fact, men who debunked and confirmed my early theory about the male reproductive system.

If you’re looking to relive your Devon Sawa and Jonathan Taylor Thomas days, check out  Casper, Little Giants, Man of the House, Now & Then and Wild America (bonus, Devon and JTT star in the movie!)

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Friday Five: Channing Tatum, Kim Kardashian and more!

I get really excited for Fridays. It’s my new Christmas Eve because I’ve got the same childlike anxiousness and I’m annoyingly happy, but there’s no family dysfunction and crying alone in the bathroom. This week I was blessed with a stat holiday to celebrate Canada day, so I feel spoiled that tomorrow’s already another day off!

Spoiled…but not as spoiled as America. Seriously, you guys have it so great.* A three day weekend with all the pomp and circumstance once could ask for? AND HOTDOGS? Amazing.

This week’s Friday Five is pop culture driven (as is my life) so let me share with you what I’m loving this week…

1. Channing Tatum

I’m not someone who’s usually influenced by dreams. Every once and a while I’ll have a really weird dream and wake up really confused, but I don’t put much stock into them. HOWEVER, I am easily influenced by dreams when they’re about people, case in point: Channing Tatum.

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He’s shirtless, holding a cat and eating pizza… the holy trinity of hotness in my books.

Prior to July 1st I was not a Channing Tatum fan. I got the appeal, but I just wasn’t registering any attraction below my belly button. Then Tuesday night I have a dream that Channing and I are grocery shopping (so many of my dream dates take place in the grocery store, probably because I go to bed hungry) and then BAM! I wake up wanting to binge watch all of his movies. I’m not at all ashamed to say I watched The Vow on Canada Day…twice.

This weekend Magic Mike XL opens in theatres. Would it be weird if I went alone, so long as I kept my hands visible at all times?

2. Kim Kardashian on the cover of Rolling Stone

The beauty of Kim Kardashian is that she fails to take every opportunity to present herself as a feminist icon. She’s an exhibitionist, unapologetic about her body or her decisions to flaunt her assets, but when it comes to actually SAYING something relative to feminist issues or frankly, ANY issue, she’s a swing and a miss.

Kim says in the new issue of Rolling Stone :

“I’ve never really been one on labels, and I don’t like to push my view,” Kardashian says. “If I feel something, it’s how I feel. I never say, ‘I feel this way, so you should feel that way.’ Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I just am who I am. But, yeah.” She smiles. “I think you would call me a feminist.”

Kimmy.

Help me, help you. Help me get people to like you. Help me, get people to take you seriously. Help me get people to stop looking at your boobs and bum.

I love this about Kim Kardashian (which is why she’s on my Friday Five list). For all the media training and the interview prep and the glitz and glam, she’s just kind of… out to lunch. Out to lunch with perfect make-up and hair.

3. Friday Night Lights

I totally missed the opportunity to jump on the FNL bandwagon back in 2006. I avoided teen television at all costs back then. I was never an OC girl, but I did dabble in a little One Tree Hill for a while.

Thanks to Netflix and the fact that I have absolutely way too much time on my hands, I have the chance to fall in love with Tim Riggins and essentially pretend to redo my early twenties! WOO!

I’m only on episode 9 of the first season but I’ve already got it bad for the broody delinquent Riggins. That hair, amirite?

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4. Amy Schumer

This Buzzfeed list of the 20 Times Amy Schumer Completely Understood You is perfection. I love her brash, unfiltered style.

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5. Happy Birthday, Tom Cruise

Last year I went on a Twitter campaign to become Tom Cruise’s new wife. By campaign,  I mean I tweeted him daily and had zero response. I guess he didn’t like how openly I was willing to sacrifice my personal freedom and ideologies for a chance to walk red carpets and wear nice clothes. Given his track record one would think that would be exactly the type of thing he would be looking for in a woman, but oh well.

I still love Tom, despite his ass-backwards beliefs. Maybe I think we could work  because I zone out whenever someone talks about space Whatever. Nobody said celebrities had to be smart, right?

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Happy 53rd birthday, Tom. You sold your soul to a space devil and remain perpetually young and in my heart forever!

*Aside from health insurance, gun control laws, reproductive rights, the rest of the world thinking poorly of you (not me though), tuition costs, poverty and unemployment rates, national debt… ugh. should I continue?

Game of Thrones and Outlander (because modernity is overrated)

I was creeping blogs today reading fan theories about Game of Thrones, and stumbled across a gem that made me laugh out loud with joy.

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Amazing, right?

Like most people, I watched the leaked episodes in one sitting so I’m biding my time with Outlander until episode 5 of this season finally airs.

I’m not even going to lie to you, I have zero interest in the Game of Thrones books. I don’t want to read them and have the series spoiled or be that person taking to Facebook saying, “Actually, according to the books…” No. Those people need to get out before they get a kick to the shins.

I won’t post any “spoilers” but I’m curious if y’all are loving the new season?

Here are my thoughts, since nobody asked:

1. Cersei is everything .

I could watch Lena Heady smell a fart and it would be Oscar worthy. I need more Jamie/Cersei naked wrestling, because unlike you literalists, they are just two beautiful actors who happen to play twins on television. I’m a OK with their incest.

2. Brienne of Tarth needs to be on my side in a bar fight

I dig her androgyny. She could be Draco Malfoy’s older, nicer, kick-ass sister. If shit got real, I would be yelling, “Brienne!” unapologetically.

3. I’m over Khaleesi

We get it. Next.

4. More Sansa & Littlefinger

This brings back Lolita plot lines for me. I’m all about this pairing. Even though he basically betrayed her father and had him killed…

5. Jon Snow needs to man up

Get the hell away from the wall and do something interesting, please. And stop looking like you’ve just been hit in the nads. It’s nota  cute look for you.

Ok – one last thing.

OUTLANDER!

Have you not seen this show? Do you not like Scottish men and sex in a meadow?

This show is about a woman in the 1940’s who travels back in time to the 18th century and falls in love with a highlander named Jamie.

A ginger mega-babe. Which basically doesn’t exist. Bitch found a unicorn.

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Last night’s episode was wonderfully entertaining and can be summed up 3 words: “flaccid turtleneck dink”

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I won’t spoil for you because it JUST aired, but man oh man. There was some great character development last night and even though I was up passed my bedtime, I didn’t want the episode to end. I can almost understand why women like 50 Shades of Grey, because this show is my equivalent  only there’s no BDSM and not at all based on Twilight fan fiction. WHICH MEANS IT’S SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.

A Tale of Two Bachelorettes

If you saw my Twitter feed yesterday,  you probably thought I was in the middle of a psychotic break when I heard the news about ABC deciding to have TWO women going head to head for the title of next season’s Bachelorette.

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First things first: The Bachelor has been struggling for cred and ratings since the Juan Pablo PR disaster and Andi Dorfmann/Josh Murray split. The signs were there: former Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock’s wedding to her final rose winner Chris Sigfried wasn’t televised, and Bachelor in Paradise’s season was fairly short compared to a typical season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise.

I get the network is looking to shake things up, but I didn’t ask for this backwards sexist, 1950’s Mean Girl shit.

The new season will have fan favourite (and Canadian) Kaitlyn Bristowe and controversial make-out bandit Britt Nilsson meeting 25 hopeful bachelors who will decide which woman would make a better wife. Their choice will continue the season as the Bachelorette. The other, I’m assuming will go home with a lifetime supply of Hamburger Helper, low self esteem and a bitchin’ spray tan.

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Kaitlyn Bristowe (left) and Britt Nilsson (right)

How will the men decide?

Most likely through some kind of bake-off, house chore obstacle course, pelvic exam, swimsuit competition and of course, they’ll most likely test drive each one before they make a decision (Hey, don’t buy the car without a test drive, amirite?)

HORSE PUCKEY!

THIS IS HOGWASH!

Let me tell you what happened here.

Some producer or executive said, “Nobody likes Britt, but she’s pretty with hair like spun gold. America like’s fake-ass beauties. Let’s put her on TV!”

Some female P.A was listening and piped in with a, “Um, I think everyone likes the Canadian funny one, Kaitlyn.”

To which Executive A responded, “I know, we’ll have them mud wrestle for the title!”

“Sir. I don’t think we can do that during primetime.” said the nervous PA.

“Fine, we’ll have the men choose. Men love this kind of stuff. Hold my calls, I’m going to go play a round before lunch.”

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AND HERE WE ARE.

Britt is beautiful in that wannabe waitress, free love, creepy church basement cult way. I’m sure she’s a lovely person. I’m sure she’s got friends and family and get’s stopped on the street by strangers who tell her she should be on TV. But let’s be real. This is a classic example of a pretty girl getting a free pass from Hollywood despite viewers clearly favoring Kaitlyn.

Sorry, boo. Your hair is magic, but you’ve got to go back to cattle calls for walk on roles in Lifetime movies.

Kaitlyn got robbed. She knows it. We know it. If she isn’t picked as Bachelorette by whatever gaggle of horned up advertising executives ABC manages to rope into the next season, I quit the Bachelor franchise.

That’s right.

As Tina Fey is my witness, I’ll fill my Monday nights in other ways. I’ll start watching the Voice or I’ll take up cribbage.

Oh yeah. By the way. The farmer strung together a sentence and asked Whitney to marry him.

Whatever.

I’m going to take a nap.

The Bachelor: Girl, Interrupted Edition

Sometimes I wonder whether people are on the Bachelor just to make a name for themselves. I mean, half of all the contestants move to Hollywood and sign mediocre endorsement deals, but last night I was convinced there’s one girl who should move straight form the small screen to the silver screen: Ashley S.

Yep, that’s right. I’m calling it. Ashley S, the seemingly disturbed hairstylist from Brooklyn must be an actress or at the very least a woman who’s anti-psychotic’s went missing with her luggage.

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She works with sharp objects for a living. That’s terrifying.

I like making fun of Bachelor crazies, but last night was like a cross-over episode between the Bachelor and Intervention. I half expected to see Ashley S. hiding in the kitchen of the house huffing aerosol cans of keyboard cleaner. At first I thought, “Well, this girl’s drunk.” Then it grew to, “wait a minute, is she some sort of space age prophet sent from the future to kill zombies and tell Chris about following his heart?” and then I just decided she was an actress, a plant from the Bachelor to mix things up after last year’s disastrous Bachelor season with Juan Pablo.

I can just see the board room now:

Executive 1: We need to distract everyone from the fact that we misjudged a Latin lover and gave a douche bag his own show for 10 weeks. Any ideas?

Executive 2: Virgins!

Executive 3: Widows!

Executive 4: And a crazy girl!

You know that’s exactly what happened. There’s no way Chris, our little farmer with a heart of gold, would willingly go out of his way to keep someone who in Iowa would be dropped off on the side of the road like a box of unwanted kittens and left for dead. “She’s using the village resources!” That’s how small town folk rationalize things, duh.

Anyways.

What else can we talk about from last night’s episode?

Oh right. Ashley I. The fake lash enthusiast with zero time for sex. I like that the Bachelor casts virgins on the show, but I don’t like how this chick is handling herself. It’s kind of like watching a Duggar want SO BADLY to front hug. DESPERATE. At one point, after telling another contestant of her V-Card status, Ashley I went to Chris and like a real-life Princess Jasmine said, “Rub my magic lamp belly button ring and make 3 wishes!” At which point the devoured his face like a scene from a horror movie. I guess all virgins are different, but I can guarantee, when I was a 21 year old virgin (which I was), the last thing I was saying was, “Wanna rub my tum tum?”

Loca. You’re all loca.

Also,

If I were an American farmer I would take great offense to the fact that ABC seems to cast alcoholics in hopes that it appeals to the “down home every man” that is Chris. I get it. Iowa looks boring, and it clearly hasn’t registered with any of these chicks (Except the Fly Fishing Enthusiast Tara) that they’ll be spending a majority of their time at a legion on Friday nights square dancing or that the town dentist is also their only veterinarian and the local grocer. WHATS WITH THE ALCOHOLICS!? WHY NOT CAST ANOTHER GIRL WHO GREW UP ON A FARM?!

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Jordan . The other drunk. Source

Methinks Chris is getting all the hot girls out of his system and will wind up with someone like Whitney, who’s voice will call the cattle home from the fields. Seriously. Lovely girl. But my ears. My virgin ears.

I hope that wasn’t too spoiler-ish for y’all.

So far, my girls are still in the running.

Sorry this wasn’t a full play by play, but like. It’s 8 am and technically I started work 2 minutes ago.

A newly single Andi Dorfman is not impressed.

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Am I excited for next week?

*whispers* Absolutely

I forgot how much I loved this

Sometimes I forget the person I used to be. That can be taken a few different ways. Take it whichever way makes me sound the most profound, because really, all I’m talking about here is how much I used to love a certain band.

It’s true though. Every now and then I’ll come across CD’s, books, photos, items of clothing that I’ve held on to and have a moment where all of a sudden I think about how much I’ve changed. This concept seems obvious, of course I’ve changed. I’ve grown (not up, but I’ve grown). But like the ridiculous communications plans I’ve written, it’s not until I measure and evaluate my life that I realize how much has happened, how much I’ve given up (consciously or subconsciously) and how much I needed these touchstones of my former self.

Mumbo jumbo, hippie-dippy, feelings talk over.

I used to be OBSESSED with Jack’s Mannequin. If you’re like me and watched a shit ton of One Tree Hill, you know who I’m talking about.  Anyways, I came across a burned CD I made probably…oh… five or six years ago and listened on my way to work yesterday. It was all Jack’s Mannequin and I immediately felt this pang of nostalgia for my early twenties.


I went on a JM/Something Corporate/Andrew McMahon binge and have been feeling nostal-drunk ever since. I’m going to make a mental note to listen to more of my favourite bands of yesteryear, re-watch my favourite movies (Little Women, heyo Winona!) and reconnect to those little bits of joy.

What were some of your favourite songs/movies/books that remind you of your younger self?

I’m going to go put on a Volcom t-shirt, my vans and dickies and go kick it like I did when I was 21.

 

Friday Five! Pop culture edition

TGIF.

Seriously. TGIF.

This week has been a doozy, but there are big changes coming my way, so I’m excited, a little stressed and a little panicky, but I’mma keep it together.

Ok, let’s share our favourite things, shall we?

1. Nightcrawler

Last night Matt and I watched Nightcrawler starring Jake Gyllenhaal.  Have you seen this movie? It’s creepy, but I’ll just say it, Jake’s half-up half down wide eyed obsessive self is still doing it for me. I’d still sign up for life for it. The boy’s gorgeous and talented. Some of my friends had mixed reviews of the movie, but I loved it.

We all know a Lou Bloom. I know one. You probably know one. Someone who’s kind of creepy and out of touch with reality, a little too ambitious and anti-social. Creeptastic.

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I highly recommend this movie. Four out of Five Libby’s.

2. Katy Perry & the Grammy’s.

Katy Perry needs a Grammy. Give the girl a Grammy, please. It was just announced Prism has been nominated for Pop Album of the Year against some pretty stiff competition (Ed Sheeran, Ariana Grande, Coldplay, Miley and Sam Smith).

Nobody does pop music like Katy. In my opinion, Teenage Dream was the ultimate pop album, but out of everyone nominated, Katy is the only person who really encapsulates all things pop.

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This photo shoot for Cosmo was one of my faves of all time. Slay with that green hair, girl. Slay!

 

Noticeably absent? Lady Gaga.

Poor Gaga. You’ll get ’em next year. Hopefully. Maybe.

3. Madonna for Versace

I love when brands make poor decisions. That sounds mean, but I just love when anyone makes a bad decision. It brings us all together in a communal pool of regret and humility. But really…

What the heck is going on in this photo?

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I get it, Madonna is Madonna and blah blah blah. I’m sorry, but not everything Madonna does is flawless. Like that picture. I sent it to my two best girls and asked them what the actual hell was going on.

One said it was the new promo poster for the Walking Dead.

The other said it was for the new Hobbit film : Smeagol’s Demise.

Does it even matter what Versace does anymore? Really, it’s a very small demographic of people that can afford Versace products aside from the eye glasses we get at the optometrist’s office. Wouldn’t it be better for celebs to front campaigns for stores like H&M, Aldo or ASOS? Lines people can actually afford?

Whatever, Versace. Whatever, Madge.

4. Wendy Williams

I’m one wig away from becoming Wendy Williams. I think she might be my biological mother. My sister always says I was adopted from New Guinea…maybe Wendy spent some time in New Guinea in 1987?

Who knows.

Do you watch Wendy? I like that she throws shade and is honest about celebrities. She dislikes the Kardashians and loves Mariah (ridiculous) but she’s got opinions and she ain’t afraid to share them!

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I love it. At work, I spend a lot of time doing data entry, so I like having something to listen to. I listen to Howard Stern interviews and Wendy Williams Hot Topics.

5. Patti Stanger

I’m not highbrow. I just said I love Wendy Williams. I’m one bucket of KFC away from a double wide and a fluorescent pair of crocs.

It’ll come as no surprise that  I love Millionaire Matchmaker. She’s feisty, she loves plastic surgery, and she loves giving unsolicited advice.

Sound like someone you know? Me. Minus the plastic surgery part (three more years, y’all).

Listen to this advice she gives J-Lo. “Don’t lead with the cooch” #priceless .
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(it’s long, but fun)