The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette: Episode 1- Good Mojo 4 Jojo

The latest season of The Bachelorette premiered on Monday night, and although it was about two hours of carbon copy white dudes exiting a limo, it was worth watching just to see the previews for what looks like a crazy dramatic season!

I wont go into too much detail of what happened (this isn’t a recap, there are people being paid to write those elsewhere), but I will give you my thoughts, talk shit and swoon about yesterday’s fantastic premiere!

Let’s start with the belle of the ball:

Jojo

 

I’m a big fan of Jojo. I think she’s beautiful and charming and was really excited when she was named the next Bachelorette. I think Jojo and former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman are similar in that they’re both successful Southern women who drop “y’all” left right and center, with great hair and fake and bake tans, but unlike Andi, Jojo reads much softer and sweeter on camera.

Ok, let’s talk about the men.

Jordan

Jordan is already the front-runner of the season because he nabbed the first impression rose and is brother to NFL player Aaron Rodgers (who I refer to as Olivia Munn’s boyfriend). I’m not sold on Jordan, but he has thunder thighs and skinny jeans and in high school I would have eaten that shit up. Be careful, Jojo “Former Pro-Football” player is code word for “Unemployed Fame Seeker.”

Chad

Listen, I’m sure Chad’s mom thinks he’s great, but in actuality, Chad looks like he’s one injection of ‘roids away from committing a murder suicide (also his neck-beard looks like untamed bush) The temper on this one looks terrifying. The only thing that upsets me more than an angry, violent man, is a sales person who doesn’t know the importance of staying on brand. Seriously, Chad – you’re a real estate agent. Do you think this is good for your brand/sales/client base? Get it together. Read a book. No bueno, Chad. NO BUENO!

Luke

I legit burst out laughing when Luke stood against a barn looking like a Clint Eastwood impersonator at a roadhouse restaurant. Although he’s an army vet, he’s also an aspiring country singer. I’m already dreading the inevitable moment when he pulls out a six string and serenades Jojo with a song. It’s cringe worthy. I’ve dated some musicians in my time, and I would laugh whenever they tried to serenade me. Work on your craft…but in a sound proof room.

 

Brandon

The hipster is so far my personal favourite of the season. Have you read his Bachelorette bio? Swoon. Have you seen his Ethan Hawke Reality Bytes hair? That’s the dream. Apparently Brandon is actually a model (which I could overlook) but judging by his beaded bracelet and the fact that Jojo seems uninterested in circle scarfs and slam poetry, his days seem numbered.

This season looks dramatic as f*ck, and I’m so excited for glittery gowns, balyage highlights and testosterone fueled bitch fights.

Are you watching this season? Who are your favourites so far?

 

The Bachelorette – Finally, Finale

Finally, this season is over.

Mama mia. I thought it would never end. I’m a huge fan of the Bachelor franchise but I was getting a little tired/uncomfortable/fed up with the slut shaming, name calling, and d*ck measuring contest of this season!

Last night, Kaitlyn Bristowe said “YES” to Shawn Booth, a 28 year old personal trainer from Nashville. Only in Hollywood would that seem like a catch (no offense to all the personal trainers out there, I just have absolutely no use for you). Now Kaitlyn, a dance instructor (is that a job?) and Shawn can start their lives together in his and hers Under Armor.

Seriously. My first thought when I saw that Shawn (who is very good looking) was a personal trainer was, “Does he get benefits? What about dental?”

If he’s smart, he’ll start his own fitness Instagram account and parlay this overnight fame into some $$$.

I’m always interested in post-Bachelor/Bachelorette life; probably because it shows the worst of humanity. People get a taste of fame, then all of a sudden quit their jobs, or whatever they passed as a job for the show (re: dog walker, free spirit), and begin to feed into the Instagram machine with sponsored posts and guest appearances at night clubs.

Methinks Kaitlyn’s been through the ringer. She deserves a little R & R, paid for by ABC, on a remote island with her beloved fitness professional.

Whether Kaitlyn and Shawn stand the test of time is anyone’s guess. In Bachelor Nation anything longer than 6 months is considered a success. I’m just glad we can stop talking about this batch of contestants and start fresh…with a whole new season of Bachelor in Paradise premiering August 2nd.

Huzzah!

Desperation, sand and alcohol! Get your cameras rolling!

If I seem a little snarky today, I apologize. I’m still not feeling like myself and would much rather be wearing elastic waist pants in bed burrowed under a duvet fort, listening to Michael Bolton songs than showered, dressed and part of the real world.

I hope I feel like myself soon, but until then… I’ll eat my feelings and harass my friends with text messages and phone calls to combat my loneliness.

#winning

The Bachelorette: Why I’m back to Team Nick

Oh, Bachelorette fans. We’ve been through the trenches. We’ve Instagram stalked, Twitter crept, and Facebook searched for our favourite contestants only to have 90% of Bachelor/Bachelorette relationships end within 6 months of the show finale.

We must be eternal optimists, because we keep being sucked back into the vortex of hot tubs, one on one dates and good looking gents and dames there “for the right reasons.”

Last night on the Bachelorette, Kaitlyn Bristowe spilled the beans about having sex with show alum Nick Viall to contestant Shawn Booth, the personal trainer/ Gosling wannabe with a voice that could impregnate and a penchant for bathroom breakdowns. Booth was so upset to hear Kaitlyn hooked up with Nick, he was overheard off camera saying, “I’m so tense, I cant even piss.” Booth played it cool, telling Kaitlyn he was upset but ultimately wants to be with her. Insiders say it took a while but he eventually calmed down enough to relieve himself.

I’ve always been on the fence with Nick Viall. During Andi’s season of the Bachelorette I thought he was charming although I wasn’t quite sure if his feelings were truly genuine. Nick always said the right things, placed his hands on the right spots (small of the back, upper thigh, cupped the face while he kissed) and had the “aw shucks” face down pat whenever he said something smooth. I wondered if Nick was just a smooth operator but then I realized he was one of about 30 kids, which means he has a lot of sisters and was probably exposed to romantic comedies at a very young age.

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It’s not uncommon for Bachelor alums to date one another, so I wasn’t TOO surprised when Nick made his appearance on this season of the Bachelorette, however returning to the reality TV world after taking such a public social media beating was a questionable move to me, and one that raised red flags. Our little Canadian Halfling ate up all of Nick’s moves and got cozy with the Chicago native before fantasy suites (whatever, no judgement).

Here’s why I’m back on Team Nick…

Nick handled his hook-up with Kaitlyn like a gentleman by not playing the kiss and tell game to any of the other contestants. He also seemed genuinely offended when Kaitlyn begged him not to tell anyone, which mmmmmmaaaaaybe isn’t the nicest thing to say to someone you just slept with but I doubt there’s a chapter on that in Emily Post’s guide to Reality TV.

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Lumberjack Six Pack, Booth was so threatened by Viall that he refused to even mention him by name, often referring to Nick as, “that other guy.” A little childish, yes. Especially when someone VOLUNTARILY SIGNS UP FOR A SHOW WHERE 25 GUYS DATE THE SAME WOMAN.  Shawn, aren’t there like, 20 TV’s at the gym? Are you telling me you’ve never seen an episode of the Bachelorette before?

Booth’s gone to that dark place where insecure people go where whenever they see the object of their insecurity/affection, they have the SAME conversation over and over again. Instead of having adorable little moments and finding out that they both really like The Goonies and Nutella sandwiches, Shawn is constantly asking if he’s the one. I don’t know how Kaitlyn puts up with it, because I would be duct taping his mouth shut and asking him to lift heavy objects instead.

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Timing, bro. Timing.

Shawn is hot. But whiney. and a little needy, but looks like he can fix something in the house if it breaks.

Nick is also hot. Less whiney, but looks like he would have the money to hire someone to fix something that breaks.

Where are you on the Shawn v. Nick debate?

Who do you think Kaitlyn will choose?

A Tale of Two Bachelorettes

If you saw my Twitter feed yesterday,  you probably thought I was in the middle of a psychotic break when I heard the news about ABC deciding to have TWO women going head to head for the title of next season’s Bachelorette.

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First things first: The Bachelor has been struggling for cred and ratings since the Juan Pablo PR disaster and Andi Dorfmann/Josh Murray split. The signs were there: former Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock’s wedding to her final rose winner Chris Sigfried wasn’t televised, and Bachelor in Paradise’s season was fairly short compared to a typical season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise.

I get the network is looking to shake things up, but I didn’t ask for this backwards sexist, 1950’s Mean Girl shit.

The new season will have fan favourite (and Canadian) Kaitlyn Bristowe and controversial make-out bandit Britt Nilsson meeting 25 hopeful bachelors who will decide which woman would make a better wife. Their choice will continue the season as the Bachelorette. The other, I’m assuming will go home with a lifetime supply of Hamburger Helper, low self esteem and a bitchin’ spray tan.

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Kaitlyn Bristowe (left) and Britt Nilsson (right)

How will the men decide?

Most likely through some kind of bake-off, house chore obstacle course, pelvic exam, swimsuit competition and of course, they’ll most likely test drive each one before they make a decision (Hey, don’t buy the car without a test drive, amirite?)

HORSE PUCKEY!

THIS IS HOGWASH!

Let me tell you what happened here.

Some producer or executive said, “Nobody likes Britt, but she’s pretty with hair like spun gold. America like’s fake-ass beauties. Let’s put her on TV!”

Some female P.A was listening and piped in with a, “Um, I think everyone likes the Canadian funny one, Kaitlyn.”

To which Executive A responded, “I know, we’ll have them mud wrestle for the title!”

“Sir. I don’t think we can do that during primetime.” said the nervous PA.

“Fine, we’ll have the men choose. Men love this kind of stuff. Hold my calls, I’m going to go play a round before lunch.”

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AND HERE WE ARE.

Britt is beautiful in that wannabe waitress, free love, creepy church basement cult way. I’m sure she’s a lovely person. I’m sure she’s got friends and family and get’s stopped on the street by strangers who tell her she should be on TV. But let’s be real. This is a classic example of a pretty girl getting a free pass from Hollywood despite viewers clearly favoring Kaitlyn.

Sorry, boo. Your hair is magic, but you’ve got to go back to cattle calls for walk on roles in Lifetime movies.

Kaitlyn got robbed. She knows it. We know it. If she isn’t picked as Bachelorette by whatever gaggle of horned up advertising executives ABC manages to rope into the next season, I quit the Bachelor franchise.

That’s right.

As Tina Fey is my witness, I’ll fill my Monday nights in other ways. I’ll start watching the Voice or I’ll take up cribbage.

Oh yeah. By the way. The farmer strung together a sentence and asked Whitney to marry him.

Whatever.

I’m going to take a nap.