The Bachelor

The Bachelor: Boring people stay boring, Jojo FTW

The season finale of the Bachelor aired this week on ABC, with Bachelor Ben Higgins proposing to flight attendant, Lauren Bushnell.

Ok. I’ve had a few people ask me how I feel about the results and even though IDGAF, I think Ben made the right choice for his vanilla-christian lite lifestyle. Ben is a babe, don’t get me wrong, but we rarely got to see him make a joke, take off his shirt or do anything without crying. Lauren is beautiful, there’s no doubt about that- she has the Aryan teenage dream, size 2, zero cellulite thing going on. The two had an undeniable missionary position chemistry that Bachelor fans love. I find them boring. I already don’t care about their relationship.

Personally, I was a fan of Jojo, the 24-year old super tanned Isla Fisher doppelganger sporting ombre locks and a Cartier love bracelet (Oh yes, I noticed). Jojo is hot, and I’m going out on a limb here and saying her boobs are fake, but I’m not judging – I’m envying that she has enough money for the love bracelet and the tit job. The thing about Jojo is that she was TOO much for Ben; too sexy, too sweet. With Jojo as the new Bachelorette, I want to see her with a former-athlete type who, I don’t know, rescues dogs and thinks he writes good poetry. Something like that.

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Joelle “Jojo” Fletcher – Source 

The season was, arguably, one of the best in Bachelor franchise history, with several stand out contestants. We had Lace, the Pinot Grigio enthusiast with entitlement issues, who many people thought was the front-runner as the season’s resident villain. In a moment of clarity and self-awareness, Lace excused herself from the Bachelor, saying she needed to work on herself before she could find love. Lil Lace proved to be the smartest one of the bunch when she realized competing with 25 women for the attention of one man is f*cked up and unhealthy.

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Then there was Jubilee, the Haitian born sergeant in the US Army, who ruffled feathers with the other contestants by being “awkward” and the self proclaimed “full black” contestant. Jubilee’s presence reintroduced the topic of diversity on the show, and many were hoping Jubilee would become the first black Bachelorette. Jubes was also the victim of some serious girl shit, with several nameless, irrelevant contestants hounding Jubilee for not being a cookie-cutter fake-ass bitch.

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Bullying was taken to the NEXT level with Olivia, the slightly delusional Cameron Diaz clone who made enemies right away by receiving the First Impression Rose. Olivia…liked to embellish her connection with Ben. Maybe romanticize the situation a little, and got carried away with her pop culture Teen Mom references. However entertaining her behaviour was for viewers at home, Olivia quickly became the target of internet trolls, and was cut up by all of her fellow cast mates on the Women Tell All for having bad breath and cankles.

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Not cool.

I talk a lot of shit on this blog, mostly in jest, but I seriously dislike when people are ganged up on by their peers. I side with the under-dog at all times. Olivia and Jubes- I got chu.

My friends and I gathered every Monday to watch the Bachelor for some girl chat and junk food. For the finale, we went all out! Here are some pictures from our Bachelor Finale viewing party!

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Our amazing t-shirts designed and made by my friend, Olivia!

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The Monday night squad!

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A party without cake is just a meeting

Did you watch the Bachelor finale?

Were you happy with Ben’s pick?

 

Are they going to make it? Let’s chat!

 

 

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A Tale of Two Bachelorettes

If you saw my Twitter feed yesterday,  you probably thought I was in the middle of a psychotic break when I heard the news about ABC deciding to have TWO women going head to head for the title of next season’s Bachelorette.

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First things first: The Bachelor has been struggling for cred and ratings since the Juan Pablo PR disaster and Andi Dorfmann/Josh Murray split. The signs were there: former Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock’s wedding to her final rose winner Chris Sigfried wasn’t televised, and Bachelor in Paradise’s season was fairly short compared to a typical season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise.

I get the network is looking to shake things up, but I didn’t ask for this backwards sexist, 1950’s Mean Girl shit.

The new season will have fan favourite (and Canadian) Kaitlyn Bristowe and controversial make-out bandit Britt Nilsson meeting 25 hopeful bachelors who will decide which woman would make a better wife. Their choice will continue the season as the Bachelorette. The other, I’m assuming will go home with a lifetime supply of Hamburger Helper, low self esteem and a bitchin’ spray tan.

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Kaitlyn Bristowe (left) and Britt Nilsson (right)

How will the men decide?

Most likely through some kind of bake-off, house chore obstacle course, pelvic exam, swimsuit competition and of course, they’ll most likely test drive each one before they make a decision (Hey, don’t buy the car without a test drive, amirite?)

HORSE PUCKEY!

THIS IS HOGWASH!

Let me tell you what happened here.

Some producer or executive said, “Nobody likes Britt, but she’s pretty with hair like spun gold. America like’s fake-ass beauties. Let’s put her on TV!”

Some female P.A was listening and piped in with a, “Um, I think everyone likes the Canadian funny one, Kaitlyn.”

To which Executive A responded, “I know, we’ll have them mud wrestle for the title!”

“Sir. I don’t think we can do that during primetime.” said the nervous PA.

“Fine, we’ll have the men choose. Men love this kind of stuff. Hold my calls, I’m going to go play a round before lunch.”

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AND HERE WE ARE.

Britt is beautiful in that wannabe waitress, free love, creepy church basement cult way. I’m sure she’s a lovely person. I’m sure she’s got friends and family and get’s stopped on the street by strangers who tell her she should be on TV. But let’s be real. This is a classic example of a pretty girl getting a free pass from Hollywood despite viewers clearly favoring Kaitlyn.

Sorry, boo. Your hair is magic, but you’ve got to go back to cattle calls for walk on roles in Lifetime movies.

Kaitlyn got robbed. She knows it. We know it. If she isn’t picked as Bachelorette by whatever gaggle of horned up advertising executives ABC manages to rope into the next season, I quit the Bachelor franchise.

That’s right.

As Tina Fey is my witness, I’ll fill my Monday nights in other ways. I’ll start watching the Voice or I’ll take up cribbage.

Oh yeah. By the way. The farmer strung together a sentence and asked Whitney to marry him.

Whatever.

I’m going to take a nap.

Girl Talk, Real Talk

Back from the long weekend, let’s get it poppin!

That was supposed to be motivational and slightly urban, but even as I read it I thought, “Libby, don’t even.”

Hope you all had a lovely long weekend! If where you live there wasn’t a long weekend, I hope you slacked extra hard yesterday in protest.

In Ontario we celebrated “Family Day” which sounds pleasant- not as dignified as Presidents Day but whatever, I’ll take it. I wish I could tell you that I did something exciting, but I spent most of my time off in bed with horrible headaches.

I’ve decided to give up Diet Pepsi, my beloved legal equivalent of meth/crack/coke/heroin after noticing my teeth are turning meth/crack/coke/heroin shades of yell-ew. Has anyone tried to kick this habit? Any suggestions? I’m drinking as much flavoured water as I can, but I feel like my head is going to explode 24/7.

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What else can we discuss…

The Bachelor:

I start out every Bachelor season promising to write reviews and then, well, life happens.  I’m completely obsessed with this season and the fact that everyone who would normally be a shoe-in for top spot is dropping like flies because they don’t want to live in East Jesus Nowhere, Iowa. This is the only season of the Bachelor where ‘winning’ would have to mean you’re legit in love with farmer Chris. I don’t know about you, but I’m not a believer in “You jump I jump, you farm I farm” type love.  I don’t think it’s fair for someone to give up their life, job, access to Starbucks to move across the country “for love.”  There’s bound to be some resentment in their future, no?

My money is on Whitney to be the last chick standing. She’s likeable, pretty, and has a real job (she makes babies, y’all!). Remember when Andi had a real job and she gave it up for love? Remember how well that worked out?

My thoughts on the next Bachelorette:

Probably boring Becca. Because ABC loves virgins. Not that I don’t love a good virgin (wait for the right person!) I just don’t like how the network can exploit someone’s choice as a bid to get viewers (re: Sean Lowe and his creepy lead up to his honeymoon).

What else is going on?

50 Shades of Grey came out which means nothing to me….

The Oscars are on Sunday which excites me but I know my faves won’t get the acclaim they deserve. Wild is the best movie of the year. OF ALL TIME! GIVE REESE AN AWARD! Walk the Line was blah. but Witherspoon kills it in this movie. I cried an ugly cry. For anyone who’s ever thought, “My life is shit because I’ve made bad choices” you’ll want to grab some Kleenex because this movie has all the feelings ever.

I’m currently reading The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. which I highly recommend for all women in their 20’s and 30’s. Ever wanted to be inside the mind of that narcissist you have a big bad crush on but just can’t seem to win over? Now you can. I can’t believe this book was written by a woman! I mean…women can do anything and yay pants, but for real, at some points it reads like a diary of a hot Jewish hipster.

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On a darker note, I had a tragic incident with my eyebrow a few weeks ago. While stuck in traffic I thought I could reshape my eyebrows using my fingers. I rip, rip, ripped and as one might expect, over pulled and was full chola on one side of my face. I freak out all the time about how my eyebrows are asymmetrical (I have a scar on one brow that gives them two different shapes, plus I’m pretty sure I’ve suffered small strokes but whatever), but this time I looked like Libby on the one side, and Juanita Christina Maria on the other.

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I made an emergency stop to Shoppers Drug Mart and purchased their last box of Rapid Brow, which is apparently going to fix my neurosis’ mistake but will not at all help my chemical imbalance that cased me to such drastic and violent extremes.

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The good news: I’ve stopped looking in mirrors

The bad news : The product takes 60 days to see effects

The better news: Eye brow pencil exists

Nuts right? This is worse than the time I tweezed my eyebrow off with nail clippers when I was ten. At least I was ten and people could be like , “Poor thing, she’s just trying to figure out womanhood.” I’m a grown ass woman with one eyebrow.

Ugh. If you see me try and guess which one. If you guess correctly I’ll run away in tears. What a fun game!

The Bachelor: Girl, Interrupted Edition

Sometimes I wonder whether people are on the Bachelor just to make a name for themselves. I mean, half of all the contestants move to Hollywood and sign mediocre endorsement deals, but last night I was convinced there’s one girl who should move straight form the small screen to the silver screen: Ashley S.

Yep, that’s right. I’m calling it. Ashley S, the seemingly disturbed hairstylist from Brooklyn must be an actress or at the very least a woman who’s anti-psychotic’s went missing with her luggage.

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She works with sharp objects for a living. That’s terrifying.

I like making fun of Bachelor crazies, but last night was like a cross-over episode between the Bachelor and Intervention. I half expected to see Ashley S. hiding in the kitchen of the house huffing aerosol cans of keyboard cleaner. At first I thought, “Well, this girl’s drunk.” Then it grew to, “wait a minute, is she some sort of space age prophet sent from the future to kill zombies and tell Chris about following his heart?” and then I just decided she was an actress, a plant from the Bachelor to mix things up after last year’s disastrous Bachelor season with Juan Pablo.

I can just see the board room now:

Executive 1: We need to distract everyone from the fact that we misjudged a Latin lover and gave a douche bag his own show for 10 weeks. Any ideas?

Executive 2: Virgins!

Executive 3: Widows!

Executive 4: And a crazy girl!

You know that’s exactly what happened. There’s no way Chris, our little farmer with a heart of gold, would willingly go out of his way to keep someone who in Iowa would be dropped off on the side of the road like a box of unwanted kittens and left for dead. “She’s using the village resources!” That’s how small town folk rationalize things, duh.

Anyways.

What else can we talk about from last night’s episode?

Oh right. Ashley I. The fake lash enthusiast with zero time for sex. I like that the Bachelor casts virgins on the show, but I don’t like how this chick is handling herself. It’s kind of like watching a Duggar want SO BADLY to front hug. DESPERATE. At one point, after telling another contestant of her V-Card status, Ashley I went to Chris and like a real-life Princess Jasmine said, “Rub my magic lamp belly button ring and make 3 wishes!” At which point the devoured his face like a scene from a horror movie. I guess all virgins are different, but I can guarantee, when I was a 21 year old virgin (which I was), the last thing I was saying was, “Wanna rub my tum tum?”

Loca. You’re all loca.

Also,

If I were an American farmer I would take great offense to the fact that ABC seems to cast alcoholics in hopes that it appeals to the “down home every man” that is Chris. I get it. Iowa looks boring, and it clearly hasn’t registered with any of these chicks (Except the Fly Fishing Enthusiast Tara) that they’ll be spending a majority of their time at a legion on Friday nights square dancing or that the town dentist is also their only veterinarian and the local grocer. WHATS WITH THE ALCOHOLICS!? WHY NOT CAST ANOTHER GIRL WHO GREW UP ON A FARM?!

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Jordan . The other drunk. Source

Methinks Chris is getting all the hot girls out of his system and will wind up with someone like Whitney, who’s voice will call the cattle home from the fields. Seriously. Lovely girl. But my ears. My virgin ears.

I hope that wasn’t too spoiler-ish for y’all.

So far, my girls are still in the running.

Sorry this wasn’t a full play by play, but like. It’s 8 am and technically I started work 2 minutes ago.

A newly single Andi Dorfman is not impressed.

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Am I excited for next week?

*whispers* Absolutely

Bachelor Chris! Let’s Harvest some love

Two widows!
A virgin in the fantasy suite!
I can’t stand the excitement!
Let’s go!

The episode opens with Chris riding a motorcycle through farmland. I love motorcycles. You could put Larry King on a motorcycle and I’d do a double take of his butt. With Chris it’s automatic visions of us and Passionate love making in the middle of a wheat field with Chris wearing his ultimate boyfriend gingham shirt ( I like your style bro!) shuck that corn! Shuck it! Shuck it!

Chris tells us what he’s looking for – love, friendship, a partner blah blah blah (I think the American national anthem was playing). We get it. after like 20 seasons we know the speech like the back of our hand.

I got together with my girlfriends to watch the premiere episode. We had an abundance of snacks and judgement. We were ready to dissect the bachelorettes and pick our favourites.

Here are the rules: We pick our top three on the first episode and are given one wild card to pick during the season. Whoever wins is the Queen of Everything until next season.

The season started with a pre-show talking to past contestants, and giving previews of the bachelorettes. Here’s who we met….

I’m skeptical of any girl who lives in Hollywood and goes on the bachelorette. Gold digger? Maybe. The first chick, Brit, giving away free hugs needs to find the person giving away free sandwiches. She’s skinny Minnie.

All these skinny bitches on this show. I want to know what kind of New Years resolutions they had. Maybe they’re born naturally skinny. Cue to commercial for hydroxycut.

Jillian news producer: Nobody with a real career makes it on the bachelor save for Andi. Who promptly gave up her career for a man. So. Choice is yours.

Alyssa – flight attendant. Iowa doesn’t have planes. So I don’t know where the eff you think he lives.

Kelsey- widow, I can’t hate widows. I won’t even say what we’re all probably thinking. But hey. Good for you.

First limo rolls up…I’m arguing with the girls that Chris looks like he doesn’t go for obvious beauty. I bet you he’s into interesting faces and birthing hips. Someone who can haul hay and take a kick from a cow.

Brit hands Chris a note and says “I’ll explain later” obviously assuming farmer Chris can’t read. Ignorant. She also cried mid hug and ruins the moment.

Makeup artist Megan has no chance. Did you not hear Chris? There are 400 people in Chris’ town. You can’t have a sustainable career doing makeup for about 50 people. Bye Felicia!

Reegan aka Hannibal Lector is carrying around human remains to attract a man. Or a vampire. Bye, Hannibal!

Tara goes for the Daisy Duke look and wore her best cowboy boots for the event. She’s making enemies. Which means Chris probably loves it. She goes for round two in a cocktail dress. I would respect her more if she stuck to her guns. But she didn’t. So bye, Daisy!

Silver dress. Want that dress. We all agree we need that dress! You look boring but I need that dress.

Token Canadian is a dance instructor. Who swears like a sailor. And asks Chris to plow her. She’s probably a stripper. Who owes someone a lot of money. Because she stole their drugs.

Ashley I – the freelance journalist with the perfect hair and brows. So far two of us have called her as a final three.

Chris decides not to receive the last limo of desperates, causing the entire room to count repeatedly to fifteen wondering where the other girls are.
Chris. Christopher. Chris. What are you doing. Always take the 25 and throw away the ugly 10.
Rookie mistake.

Fertility nurse Whitney makes things sexual talking about making babies. She’s becoming a front runner. Looking like the perfect farmers wife before she learns to make pie.

The Ballet teacher steals Chris away looking like a low rate Britney Spears impersonator. Her eyes are so wide. My one friend says you could shake her eyeballs and find out your fortune. Bitch looks nuts. Britney Spears in 2007 nuts.

Chris Harrison calls Farmer Chris on his shit and decides more limos need to arrive.

Becca comes out wearing rocker boots and makes an impression on Chris. Ding ding. We might have another contender!

WWE Diva in training shows up to the party in a skating costume. Risky move. Risky for sure. A failure but I appreciate the effort to incorporate the ice capades.

Last limo and the girls are knee deep in vodka crans. Previews show it’s going to get ugly but 4th grade teacher Tracey seems cute and chipper enough to woo Chris.

Jade comes out and stuns Chris with her beauty but I’m distracted by her white shoes. Only two year olds and brides can wear white shoes- and the only place they’re wearing them is to church. Get it together. Pretty is from head to toe. Not head to ankle. For shame *tsk tsk*

The Canadian continues to sully our good name by wearing Lululemon pants and breakdancing. Check yourself. Get your passport. Go home. Do it for your country.

The ritual of stealing the bachelor every two minutes has begun. I would lose my shit if I had to listen to beautiful people say, “Can I steal you for a minute?” In 30 second intervals. Y’all are messed. Break out the boggle. Redeem yourself.

Chicks are getting drunk, girls are getting sloppy. Hair is losing it’s volume. It’s getting messy. In the middle of this disaster, Brit wins the first impression rose and the first smooch of the season. She’s looking like a mermaid about to be harpooned by angry pirates. There’s something kind of off with this chick. I’m taking her off my list. There something a miss! Mark my words!!!

First ceremony and we’re making our picks.

Sarah:
Becca
Jade
Megan

Nicole:
Britt
Tracey
Becca

Jenn:
Tracey
Britt
Carly

Me:
Jade
Kelsey (even though I threw shade at the widow)
Megan

We still have all of our wild cards!

Who will win?!?!?

Did you watch?

Do you even need to watch after my play by play?

Can’t wait until next week!

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Bachelor Canada S2 Ep 2 – Ballerinas Be Crazy

Last night the Bachelor Canada was only an hour long, but boy oh boy, did they cram a bunch of crazy into sixty minutes!

The night kicked off with Timbo choosing Kaylynn aka Black Swan for the first date.

Their date began with a helicopter ride to the top of Grouse mountain in Vancouver. Kaylynn gave Meg Ryan a run for her money by basically having an orgasm in the helicopter. I haven’t heard that many ‘Oh God’s’ since my First Holy Communion. Part two of their date (a sort of shitty date if you ask me) was dinner, during which Black Swan regaled Timbo with tales of her childhood trauma and how she was raised over the phone by her mother while she was at boarding school.

This lack of healthy attachment is important to remember because Black Swan goes ape later in the episode.

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Timbo, who’s obviously never seen Fatal Attraction, Misery or Swimfan, gives Kaylynn a rose. 

Date Two:

GROUP DATE!

Timbo selected 10 women to go dragon boat racing…in the pouring rain. This is when you know those girls are in it to win it, because if it were me, I’d be waiting in the van to go back to the house because there’s no way I’d be getting my hair wet.

Lead by the Vagician (April) and her voodoo mama juju magic, Jenny, Martha, Rilegh and Trisha win the race and are taken to what looks like the Mandarin or a Mulan theme park for a private after party. The girls are dressed as extras in Memoirs of A Geisha and spend the next few hours vying for Timbo’s attention.

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Rileigh, aka Chili’s (the waitress and philosophy student) tries to cut ahead of the pack and get down to the nitty gritty by telling Timbo she wants him to “cut the shit” and be himself.

If she had been holding a cigarette, ripping darts with a Tim Horton’s coffee cup in her hand, I would have sworn that conversation was taking place in a Timmies parking lot. Real classy, Chili’s. 

Timbo gives the group date rose to Trisha aka Miss Grand Supreme because he finds her “interesting.” Translation: he wants to sleep with her.

Date Three!

Timbo rolls up to the mansion where the ladies are staying, surprising them all in their pajamas.

Silly, Tim. That’s the fastest way to get cut by a bitch. 

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With help from the good people at Rimmel, Natalie (Kate Middleton), Christine (Little Streisand), April B (not the vagician)  and Sonia (Stacey’s Mom) get dolled up for a photo shoot with Tim.

I’m guessing the photoshoot was for…sex? I have no clue what they were trying to sell. All I know is that just by standing next to Stacey’s Mom, Timbo decides they have nothing in common and breaks up with her. Cue the the commercials for Summer’s Eve, because that was a real douche move. You can’t send the token cougar home without even talking to her!

Ageist, punk.

Anyways…

Timbo chooses the aloof April B to go make-out   get to know each other. For the next five minutes they avoided eye contact and drank wine, which is basically how most of my dates went before I met my boyfriend. TImbo managed to string a full sentence together and gives April B a rose.

Sweet Jesu Mio! The Cocktail party!

Before Black Swan goes off her rocker, there’s a beautiful shot of Kaylynn walking up to the bartender and saying, “Um… I’ll take a glass of white!”

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I think I wet my pants a little in anticipation. Drink up, buttercup! Scandal ain’t on for another twenty minutes and I need some drama!

Martha, the beautiful and feisty Latina get’s shut down by Timbo when she tries to steal him away from Little Streisand. Feeling a bit miffed, Martha carries on with her night like a champ, until she runs into Kaylynn/Black Swan freaking out about how Tim hasn’t tried to talk to her yet.

Ok. This is Bachelor/Bachelorette etiquette 101. If you have a rose, you sit your chosen ass down on the couch and you let everyone else get some QT with the bachelor/bachelorette. Seriously, this is something we learned from Alex Michel back in 2002.

Obviously the boarding school Kaylynn went to didn’t have a television or a psych evaluation, because she spends the rest of the evening in tears whenever Tim has time with the other women.

CUT TO….. the rose ceremony.

Black Swan, Trisha/Grand Supreme, and April B. already have roses.

Timbo gives roses too….

1. The Vagician

2. Seashell, who was quiet/normal for the entire episode

3. Martha, who says reminds us just how Hispanic she is by saying ‘gracias’

4. Dominique (Not a standout, but she was wearing a bolero jacket which clearly means she’s living in 1993)

5. Lisa/Twilight

6. Rileigh/Chili’s

7.  Jenny

The last rose goes to Natalie/Kate Middleton who says, “Don’t you ever do that to me again!”

Bitch, please. It’s a TV show. Calm the eff down.

During the final shot where everyone’s toasting to celebrate receiving a rose, Kaylynn starts hyperventilating and doing the ugly cry. She blames Martha for making her feel stupid for being so emotional (about what I have no idea). Seeing Kaylynn in full meltdown mode, Timbo steps in to have a few moments alone with the hysterical ballerina.

“I don’t want you to think I’m crazy!” Kaylynn cries.

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Any man in his right mind would have been running for the Rockies. Tim, once again demonstrating his inability to detect danger says, “I don’t, don’t worry!”

If I were there, I would have slipped Black Swan an Ativan and tucked her in for a night-night. By “Tuck” I mean put her in restraints, locked her in her room and thrown away the key.

Next week the crew heads to Cabo where we can see Timbo smolder on a beach.

Did you watch this week’s episodes?

Did you think everyone was crazy, too?

Bachelor Canada: Recap S2 Ep 1 “Meet the Glitter B*tches”

Bachelor Canada Season 2 premiered last night. I’m not going to pull any punches or lie to you…

It was probably the best night of Canadian television I’ve ever experienced. Even better then the time Drake was shot on Degrassi Jr. High and became Wheelchair Jimmy.

I’m not sure if you can watch Bachelor Canada where you live, but if you’re like me and are obsessed with watching beautiful crazies fall in “love” on television, you have to go to the official Bachelor Canada website now and watch!

It all began with an introduction of Tim Warmels, the new Bachelor who is basically a living Davidoff Cool Water ad.

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Source: LionsdenU

I’m not exactly sure WHAT he does for a living. I think someone threw around the word entrepreneur which makes me nervous because whenever I hear that term I always think that’s code for drug dealer, but Timbo, whatever you’re sellin’ I’m buyin’.

The man is good looking. So good looking if you stare at him too long you start to wonder if he’s a wax figure or a Disney Prince. He has one expression: smoldering. I spent two hours trying to figure out which one of his eyebrows was my favourite. (Spoiler alert: It’s his right one).

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Source: City TV

I expect big things from Timbo. I was a big supporter of Canada’s first bachelor, Brad Smith, who I once referred to as the guy I’d want to get drunk and make a few mistakes with. If Timbo wants to win over the hearts of Canadian women everywhere, he’ll have to turn down the Greek god Adonis thing he’s got going on and maybe come on camera with like, morning eye goop or armpit sweat stains, because right now it’s all just TOO pretty.

Now for the fun part…

The contestants!

This year’s contestants are stunners. Seriously, I think the casting agents went to each town in Canada and said, “Direct me to your Homecoming Queen.”  Everyone looked like a million (Canadian) dollars in their sequined gowns, but there wasn’t enough glitter in the world to hide the fact that there were a few nut jobs.

Warning: Everyone this season is brunette. It’s inevitable that you’ll be confused and get everyone’s name mixed up, so I’ve decided to help you out. I’m giving some of last night’s standouts some nicknames to help you keep track of their Canuck kind of crazy.

Rileigh “Chili’s” 

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source: City TV

Chili’s is a philosophy student and waitress who greeted Timbo with shots. I’m not sure if this was the best approach, but it was cute.  Chili’s got a little upset when her time with Timbo was cut short by other contestants trying to get some face time with the bachelor. My guess is she spent the rest of the night talking about Kant and asking the other girls if they needed a refill on their champagne. Werk for those tips, Chili’s.

Renée- Anne “Rene Angélil”

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Source: City TV

Renée is an ER doctor, which means she’s the only contestant on the show with a real job. I’ve decided to nickname her René Angélil (Celine Dion’s husband) because she’s got the most smarts out of  all the divas this season. RA gave Timbo a prescription for a good time, probably a refillable prescription of Valtrex (just in case) and spent the party mingling with the rest of the contestants.

Sachelle “Seashell”

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source City TV

I actually really like this girl. I’m putting her in my final 3 for the whole show. She gave Timbo a seashell to help  him remember her name. It got a little weird when she told him to keep it in his pocket, so whenever he felt it during the night he’d think of her.

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Seashell must have spent a lot of time on Tinder, because things went to an inappropriate place in a hot minute. Still, I’m putting my money on Seashell to stick around until the end of the show!

Kaylynn “Black Swan”

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source : City TV

Just like Natalie Portman, this chick went from likable ballerina to bat shit crazy within 2 hours. Timbo and Kaylynn shared a moment where they talked about their insecurities. Yes, Canada. Apparently, beautiful people have problems too. Timbo tried to tell  Kaylynn that he used to be made fun of when he was younger because, “he used to not be very good looking.”

Cue this:

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Black Swan was the first to cry this season after Timbo gave several roses to other contestants before the rose ceremony even began. This prima wondered out loud what Timbo saw in the other contestants that he didn’t see in her.

Gee, I don’t know? Sobriety? The ability to form healthy attachments? Take your pick.

Natalie “Kate Middleton”

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source: City TV

I’ll be shocked if Kate Middleton doesn’t leave this show with a giant cushion cut engagement ring because she’s definitely the front runner this season. Just like the Duchess of Cambridge, this girl is beautiful, and will wreck your hopes and dreams of becoming a princess. She made it a LITTLE awkward by asking Timbo within the first five seconds of chatting what his first impression of her was. Note to Timbo: Just pet her hair and tell her she’s beautiful. That’s probably all she wants.

Kate Middleton FTW!

Christine “Little Streisand”

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source: City TV

There’s one every year. Unfortunately, Christine is season’s fame seeker. Streisand Jr. made things really awkward by singing Timbo a song that she wrote for him. Obviously not a hearing man, Timbo gave lil Streis the First Impression Rose probably to shut her up, but most likely because she took a risk. A really, really, really, weird and awkward risk.

April “The Vagician”

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source City TV

Meet Amy. Amy likes burlesque. Amy works as a Wax Artist and refers to herself as a “Vagician”. Amy exited the limo in a cloud of gold glitter. Amy likes to get naked and for her birthday fulfilled her life long dream of becoming a cheerleader. Amy got a rose. Amy is my new favourite person of all time.

Sonia “Stacey’s Mom”

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source:: City TV

Remember that song, “Stacey’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne? That’s pretty much all I hear when I see Sonia on screen. Sonia is a 42 year old lingerie model who has a better body than anyone I know, including my 40 year old friend who looks like the extra in a Whitesnake video (that’s a compliment in my books). I’m pulling for Stacey’s Mom to school these young bitties and steal  Timbo’s heart. You go, Stacey’s Mom. You’ve got it going on.

Trisha “Miss Grand Supreme” 

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source City TV

Trisha is a professional Beauty Queen. I’m not really sure what that means, but I’m pretty sure it comes with a sense of entitlement and an inflated ego. Trisha is beautiful, no doubting that – but she threw a little bit of a shit fit when her name wasn’t immediately called during the rose ceremony. She was two seconds from lighting a baton on fire and twirling it with all her might. Miss Grand Supreme has the potential to win the title of Mrs. Timbo if she can keep the pouting to a minimum and tries a little harder to win Miss Congeniality.

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Lisa “Twilight”

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source: City TV

Finally! A little diversity!  This is Lisa. You may recognize her from the Twilight Saga. You should, because Lisa wore the exact same outfit as Victoria from the first Twilight movie (why the hell do I know so much about Twilight?). Twilight is already being painted in previews as the mean girl of the group. So she spilled her drink all over a girl’s dress during the first hour. Does one mean act mean she’s a mean girl? Is this because she has red hair?!

In all seriousness, it looks like Twilight goes pretty far this season. I’m making her my pick for the final three, simply because TV viewers eat this shit up, and in Bachelor history, the mean girl usually makes it to the very end.  I’ll wish her good luck, because she actually scares the crap out of me.

There’s a few other girls who didn’t make TOO much of an impression on me which means they’re probably relatively sane

As of Episode 1 my money is on Kate Middleton, Seashell and Twilight as the final three.

Did you watch?

Tell me what you think!

*The opinions stated in this post are entirely my own. I’m in no way affiliated with Bachelor Canada. However, if they would like to send me a Rimmel makeup gift bag I can be reached at 905-632….