A virgin in the fantasy suite!
I can’t stand the excitement!
The episode opens with Chris riding a motorcycle through farmland. I love motorcycles. You could put Larry King on a motorcycle and I’d do a double take of his butt. With Chris it’s automatic visions of us and Passionate love making in the middle of a wheat field with Chris wearing his ultimate boyfriend gingham shirt ( I like your style bro!) shuck that corn! Shuck it! Shuck it!
Chris tells us what he’s looking for – love, friendship, a partner blah blah blah (I think the American national anthem was playing). We get it. after like 20 seasons we know the speech like the back of our hand.
I got together with my girlfriends to watch the premiere episode. We had an abundance of snacks and judgement. We were ready to dissect the bachelorettes and pick our favourites.
Here are the rules: We pick our top three on the first episode and are given one wild card to pick during the season. Whoever wins is the Queen of Everything until next season.
The season started with a pre-show talking to past contestants, and giving previews of the bachelorettes. Here’s who we met….
I’m skeptical of any girl who lives in Hollywood and goes on the bachelorette. Gold digger? Maybe. The first chick, Brit, giving away free hugs needs to find the person giving away free sandwiches. She’s skinny Minnie.
All these skinny bitches on this show. I want to know what kind of New Years resolutions they had. Maybe they’re born naturally skinny. Cue to commercial for hydroxycut.
Jillian news producer: Nobody with a real career makes it on the bachelor save for Andi. Who promptly gave up her career for a man. So. Choice is yours.
Alyssa – flight attendant. Iowa doesn’t have planes. So I don’t know where the eff you think he lives.
Kelsey- widow, I can’t hate widows. I won’t even say what we’re all probably thinking. But hey. Good for you.
First limo rolls up…I’m arguing with the girls that Chris looks like he doesn’t go for obvious beauty. I bet you he’s into interesting faces and birthing hips. Someone who can haul hay and take a kick from a cow.
Brit hands Chris a note and says “I’ll explain later” obviously assuming farmer Chris can’t read. Ignorant. She also cried mid hug and ruins the moment.
Makeup artist Megan has no chance. Did you not hear Chris? There are 400 people in Chris’ town. You can’t have a sustainable career doing makeup for about 50 people. Bye Felicia!
Reegan aka Hannibal Lector is carrying around human remains to attract a man. Or a vampire. Bye, Hannibal!
Tara goes for the Daisy Duke look and wore her best cowboy boots for the event. She’s making enemies. Which means Chris probably loves it. She goes for round two in a cocktail dress. I would respect her more if she stuck to her guns. But she didn’t. So bye, Daisy!
Silver dress. Want that dress. We all agree we need that dress! You look boring but I need that dress.
Token Canadian is a dance instructor. Who swears like a sailor. And asks Chris to plow her. She’s probably a stripper. Who owes someone a lot of money. Because she stole their drugs.
Ashley I – the freelance journalist with the perfect hair and brows. So far two of us have called her as a final three.
Chris decides not to receive the last limo of desperates, causing the entire room to count repeatedly to fifteen wondering where the other girls are.
Chris. Christopher. Chris. What are you doing. Always take the 25 and throw away the ugly 10.
Fertility nurse Whitney makes things sexual talking about making babies. She’s becoming a front runner. Looking like the perfect farmers wife before she learns to make pie.
The Ballet teacher steals Chris away looking like a low rate Britney Spears impersonator. Her eyes are so wide. My one friend says you could shake her eyeballs and find out your fortune. Bitch looks nuts. Britney Spears in 2007 nuts.
Chris Harrison calls Farmer Chris on his shit and decides more limos need to arrive.
Becca comes out wearing rocker boots and makes an impression on Chris. Ding ding. We might have another contender!
WWE Diva in training shows up to the party in a skating costume. Risky move. Risky for sure. A failure but I appreciate the effort to incorporate the ice capades.
Last limo and the girls are knee deep in vodka crans. Previews show it’s going to get ugly but 4th grade teacher Tracey seems cute and chipper enough to woo Chris.
Jade comes out and stuns Chris with her beauty but I’m distracted by her white shoes. Only two year olds and brides can wear white shoes- and the only place they’re wearing them is to church. Get it together. Pretty is from head to toe. Not head to ankle. For shame *tsk tsk*
The Canadian continues to sully our good name by wearing Lululemon pants and breakdancing. Check yourself. Get your passport. Go home. Do it for your country.
The ritual of stealing the bachelor every two minutes has begun. I would lose my shit if I had to listen to beautiful people say, “Can I steal you for a minute?” In 30 second intervals. Y’all are messed. Break out the boggle. Redeem yourself.
Chicks are getting drunk, girls are getting sloppy. Hair is losing it’s volume. It’s getting messy. In the middle of this disaster, Brit wins the first impression rose and the first smooch of the season. She’s looking like a mermaid about to be harpooned by angry pirates. There’s something kind of off with this chick. I’m taking her off my list. There something a miss! Mark my words!!!
First ceremony and we’re making our picks.
Kelsey (even though I threw shade at the widow)
We still have all of our wild cards!
Who will win?!?!?
Did you watch?
Do you even need to watch after my play by play?
Can’t wait until next week!