Sex

Happy (Not a) Mother’s Day!

I feel as though Mother’s Day is not only a time to give thanks to all the women in our lives who sacrifice for their progeny, but also a time for reflection.

As a single woman in her late twenties, my desire for children increases steadily with every new grey hair and heavy menstrual flow (seriously 9 months without a period sounds divine).

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Even though I hope to become a mother someday, I have to say, with each passing Mother’s Day, I breathe a huge sigh of relief that I’ve managed to go another 365 days without giving birth.

I’d like to thank God, first and foremost for not bestowing me with any gifts this year.

To the makers of the morning after pill/Plan B

Shit gets a little out of hand sometimes.  I’ll gladly endure three minutes of judgement from a pharmacist when purchasing your product if it means I can maintain a strong pelvic floor.

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To the men who insist on practicing safe sex

You’re all gems and someday (presumably after marriage) I hope you get to enjoy the wonders of unprotected sex to make oodles and oodles of babies.

To the Canadian government

Thank you for protecting my right to a safe and legal abortion. It’s good to know you’re there for me in case I ever have to make those tough decisions. So far so good.

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To Ryan Gosling movies and adult bedroom accessories

Thank you for making those lonely nights bearable. Without you, I would definitely be making some seriously big errors in judgement when times were tough.

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Lastly, I’d like to thank my own Mother, for constantly reminding me that being a mother means I would have to give up my obscene online shopping habit and after-work naps. I can think of no greater motivation to not get pregnant. That and you constantly saying to me, “Thank god you’re not someone’s mother,” really does the trick in closing this womb to the public.

Happy Not a Mother’s Day, everyone!

Bring on the mimosas!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*This post is purely for entertainment. Babies are a blessing, and for women everywhere who are struggling with infertility, I empathize with you on your difficult journey into motherhood. Have faith xo

 

 

 

 

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Girls with high mileage

“All guys want a virgin. If you can get a girl that’s untouched, you marry her.” I was sitting with my guy friends sipping a mediocre cup of tea, listening to Marcus explain the Holy Grail of the fairer sex. “You want to be the only guy your girl has ever been with.”

I smiled. “That’s absolute bullshit.”

“Not at all, that’s the truth.” Marcus replied with confidence. “Nobody wants a girl with high mileage.”

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I mentally ran through the list of “Must Haves” Marcus and Roman had imparted to me. According to them, the ideal woman had to cook, clean, want children, produce children, stay in some sort of physical shape after birthing the aforementioned children, but now she had to have a fully intact hymen, too?

You would think by now my blood would be boiling, but after nearly a year of exposure to conversations like this, I’ve become incredibly immune to their stupidity.  I almost take pleasure in it. Like I said, it’s like watching apes in their natural habitat.

“Riddle me this,” I asked the table. “When you’re out and about hooking up with girls, are you thinking, ‘I’ve got to keep my mileage low for my future wife?'”

I was met with a tither of laughter from Marcus. “It’s a double standard, I know, but it’s true. I’m just being honest.”

“I wouldn’t want my future wife to have had sex with like, 20 people, or have been in several long term relationships.” Roman, the devout Catholic of the group added to no one in particular.

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Is 20 a lot of people?

In our group, I’m the youngest at 28. Everyone else is in their mid 30’s, and aside from Ken, still single. If the average person has been sexually active from the age of …say…17, and hadn’t been in any serious or long-term relationships, was it unreasonable to believe that by the age of 30, said person was having sex with at least 2 people per year?*

WHAT ARE WE? MONKS?

Marcus decided to turn the tables on the conversation, “Would you ever have sex with a guy who told you he was a virgin? No, you probably wouldn’t. The double standard is real.”

Always needing a backstory, I pushed for more details. “Maybe, I said. Why is he a virgin? Is he waiting until marriage? Is this for religious reasons? Because if it is, that’s a hands-down no.”

“Why not?” asked Roman, the Pope’s representative in Canada.

“Because that would mean we have different beliefs and values. Why would I waste someone’s time if they were upfront with how they live their life? ”

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Unsatisfied (just like my imaginary religious suitor), the guys shook their heads at my unwillingness to prove their point. 

This was obviously a prime example of patriarchal thinking. Using the word ‘mileage’ to compare women to cars, something that can be acquired as a possession.

What confused me even more, was the idea that these guys were actively engaging with women who weren’t “wife material” but still expected their untouched, virginal spouse to be existing somewhere in the universe going about her day sewing buttons on clothing. Were they not just “ruining” these women for their future husbands?

Were they aware that they were talking to a woman who can’t cook, is on the fence about procreation and who most likely broke her hymen in a bike riding accident when she was a kid?

Listen folks, what I do, who I do, or who I don’t do is none of your GD business. I’m not judging anyone. Do you. Do him. Do the whole football team, I really don’t care.  You should never feel bad about your sexuality and sexual history or lack thereof.

What do you think we can do to help rid the world of this kind of sexist, antiquated thinking?  Is it too late for these guys?  Do all men think this way?

Tell me what you think!

 

 

 

 

* Note: I have not had 20 partners but fingers crossed!

Today’s Menu: Neck beard, sweat, and feelings

Happy Monday, y’all.

I started this day like most Mondays: making the Sophie’s Choice between doing my hair or my makeup because I woke up late for work and hiding in the office kitchenette with a pair of scissors contemplating an “accident” to score me the day off of work.

God has a plan, kids. He knows what we need on a Monday…and He is good.

Because the big man or woman (let’s be real) upstairs sent us a gift on this fine October Monday:

The new Sam Hunt music video “Break Up In a Small Town.”

Watch here, and let’s talk.

I think we should all appreciate the artistry of this video. Obviously the burning house is a metaphor for my loins.  It was like the Eminem Love The Way You Lie video but way hotter. Eminem would need like SEVEN Megan Fox’s and a shit ton more upper body work to compete with this video.

Confession:

I’m a beard-slut. My friends all know it. I’ve embraced it. It’s a fact that I love a good beard. But today, I laid eyes on the best/worst neck beard of all time. You just know that his neck beard smelled like sweat, AXE body spray, and for whatever reason, paprika.

I am healed.

I’ve been so stressed out, so inside my own head I thought my lady oven was just an easy-bake with a rinky dink light bulb taking like, 14 hours to warm up the whole egg factory. It turns out, I just lacked neck beard this entire time!

Alright. I digress. This post wasn’t even planned (obviously). I’ll be back later this week once I’ve had several cold showers.

Have a great day!!!

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Woman’s sex drive dies, Adam Levine’s baldness to blame

Breaking News:  Toronto, Ontario

A Canadian woman tragically lost her libido after a brief glance at Adam Levine’s bald head. This no longer sexual being is just one of many who are suffering in the wake of Levine’s latest look. The Maroon 5 singer debuted his peach fuzz Monday night on the hit NBC television show The Voice, cooling many loins in it’s wake.

“All I wanted to do was watch The Voice. I turned on my television, saw Adam Levine and all of a sudden I just went numb from the waist down. ” Elizabeth Regina, 28,  of Hamilton, Ontario told reporters during a press conference. “He had no hair. I close my eyes at night and I just keep seeing his forehead. It’s horrible.”

Friends of Elizabeth tried to frantically revive her libido by streaming music videos by Sam Hunt and Nick Jonas. After approximately 20 minutes without so much as a tingle in her lady pringle, she was taken to hospital where doctors  pronounced her libido as permanently deceased.

“Unfortunately, authorities received several calls of distress similar to Elizabeth’s before The Voice went to it’s first commercial break last night,” said Sue Jeffries, a representative from Hamilton General Hospital. “We weren’t equipped to handle the overflow of patients. We had to warn nurses and doctors not to Google Levine’s bald head as reference. We don’t know what would happen if our medical professionals suddenly became incapacitated as well.”

The Red Cross and FEMA are confirming, as many suspected, that the number of casualties is expected to measure in the hundreds of thousands by the end of today.

Dr. Brian Butler of  Johns Hopkins University, says the effects of Levine’s new look may have a long lasting impact around the world. “We’re facing a potentially global population problem,” writes Butler in an exclusive e-mail to Honestly, Libby. “If Adam Levine doesn’t grow back his hair, women everywhere might never want to have sex again.”

In a broadcast that interrupted Monday night’s episode of the voice, President Barack Obama urged Americans to remain calm. “We are a nation filled with hope. We will overcome. With patience and determination, we will wait until Adam Levine’s hair returns to it’s coal colored, disheveled splendor. Brighter days are ahead.”

Hollywood heavyweights Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel and Jason Statham have been designated by UNICEF as Goodwill ambassadors in light of yesterday’s outbreak. These bald headed celebrities will be visiting hospitals around the world to try to bring comfort to ailing victims.

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Willis: Bald is Beautiful source

“We just want them to know it’s possible to love someone who’s bald.” Willis told reporters. “Baldness can be attractive.”

Unfortunately, Elizabeth Regina and thousands like her, are finding it hard to remain positive. “I keep punching myself in my legs, hoping to feel something – anything. I’ve worn my tightest pants, and have been re-watching all five seasons of Game of Thrones, but there’s still nothing.”

Levine did not provide a response at press time. Honestly, Libby will continue to follow this story as it develops.

If you would like to donate to the Adam Levine Rogain Relief fund, visit http://www.folliclesofhope.com/AdamLevine

*Obviously these quotes are fake. But if you or someone you know has lost their libido, you're in my prayers.

What does it take to live like a man?

This morning on my news-peruse, I came across a story in the Washington Post entitled, “I lived like a man for a couple of weeks. It helped me understand my husband” by author Ann Mallen.

In the article, Mallen describes how her doctor’s prescription of a cream intended to boost her testosterone levels greatly impacted her mood and her libido; an experience which she says allowed her to empathize with men.

Mallen writes, “Living for a few weeks with extra testosterone gave me a new understanding of men. Now, when I notice my husband glancing at an attractive woman, I don’t take offense. Testosterone turns your head and makes you look. Sometimes, I whisper, “Yep, she’s beautiful.” He jokes that I’m now one of the guys.”

Hmm. Is this all it takes to live like a man?

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My first thought when I saw the title of Mallen’s piece was, “Omg I bet she peed standing up and was taken seriously by car salesmen!” I hoped for an exposé on what it was like to esthetically appear as a man in public; to scratch your junk nonchalantly because as one of my guy friends so elegantly put it, “It gets hot down there and things stick.”

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