romance

The Bachelor: Boring people stay boring, Jojo FTW

The season finale of the Bachelor aired this week on ABC, with Bachelor Ben Higgins proposing to flight attendant, Lauren Bushnell.

Ok. I’ve had a few people ask me how I feel about the results and even though IDGAF, I think Ben made the right choice for his vanilla-christian lite lifestyle. Ben is a babe, don’t get me wrong, but we rarely got to see him make a joke, take off his shirt or do anything without crying. Lauren is beautiful, there’s no doubt about that- she has the Aryan teenage dream, size 2, zero cellulite thing going on. The two had an undeniable missionary position chemistry that Bachelor fans love. I find them boring. I already don’t care about their relationship.

Personally, I was a fan of Jojo, the 24-year old super tanned Isla Fisher doppelganger sporting ombre locks and a Cartier love bracelet (Oh yes, I noticed). Jojo is hot, and I’m going out on a limb here and saying her boobs are fake, but I’m not judging – I’m envying that she has enough money for the love bracelet and the tit job. The thing about Jojo is that she was TOO much for Ben; too sexy, too sweet. With Jojo as the new Bachelorette, I want to see her with a former-athlete type who, I don’t know, rescues dogs and thinks he writes good poetry. Something like that.

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Joelle “Jojo” Fletcher – Source 

The season was, arguably, one of the best in Bachelor franchise history, with several stand out contestants. We had Lace, the Pinot Grigio enthusiast with entitlement issues, who many people thought was the front-runner as the season’s resident villain. In a moment of clarity and self-awareness, Lace excused herself from the Bachelor, saying she needed to work on herself before she could find love. Lil Lace proved to be the smartest one of the bunch when she realized competing with 25 women for the attention of one man is f*cked up and unhealthy.

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Then there was Jubilee, the Haitian born sergeant in the US Army, who ruffled feathers with the other contestants by being “awkward” and the self proclaimed “full black” contestant. Jubilee’s presence reintroduced the topic of diversity on the show, and many were hoping Jubilee would become the first black Bachelorette. Jubes was also the victim of some serious girl shit, with several nameless, irrelevant contestants hounding Jubilee for not being a cookie-cutter fake-ass bitch.

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Bullying was taken to the NEXT level with Olivia, the slightly delusional Cameron Diaz clone who made enemies right away by receiving the First Impression Rose. Olivia…liked to embellish her connection with Ben. Maybe romanticize the situation a little, and got carried away with her pop culture Teen Mom references. However entertaining her behaviour was for viewers at home, Olivia quickly became the target of internet trolls, and was cut up by all of her fellow cast mates on the Women Tell All for having bad breath and cankles.

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Not cool.

I talk a lot of shit on this blog, mostly in jest, but I seriously dislike when people are ganged up on by their peers. I side with the under-dog at all times. Olivia and Jubes- I got chu.

My friends and I gathered every Monday to watch the Bachelor for some girl chat and junk food. For the finale, we went all out! Here are some pictures from our Bachelor Finale viewing party!

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Our amazing t-shirts designed and made by my friend, Olivia!

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The Monday night squad!

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A party without cake is just a meeting

Did you watch the Bachelor finale?

Were you happy with Ben’s pick?

 

Are they going to make it? Let’s chat!

 

 

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I’ve missed you, please love me!

I’ve missed you terribly.

I’m coming back. After Blogmas nearly fried my brain with daily posts, I decided to treat myself to a nice little break this month.

I tried the whole, “Live your life! Disconnect with technology! Live like it’s 1993!”

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Yeah…

It didn’t really work out.

Did you think I would miss an opportunity to talk shit about Valentines Day and the opposite sex?

Heck no. I’ve just been gathering new material.

I’ll be back February 1st with even more oversharing.

Shit’s going to get real.

xoxoxo

All Kinds of Kinds – Part 2

I began today thinking about intimacy and the connection between two people who accept one another for who they are.

My day took a sharp turn when I was reminded that there are people in the world who are against equality and Human Rights; people  who find expressions of love between two people to be “an abomination.”

I’m enraged. It feels like I’ve been lit on fire.

This is when someone will politely tell me to accept that everyone has different opinions, and that people are entitled to their opinions and blah blah blah- Fuck you. Fuck that noise.

I’ll never accept hate speech. I’ll never allow someone’s ignorance to serve an excuse for their behaviour.

Silence gives consent.

So I can’t be silent. I wasn’t silent. I wont ever be silent about what I believe in. My rant is vague, and I know I might not be making sense, but I’m taking this opportunity to put something positive back into the world after I just witnessed something ugly.

Straight

Gay

Bisexual

Transgender

Queer

No labels. No categories.

Love is Love.

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K, bye. Have a nice day.

Bachelor Canada S2 Ep 2 – Ballerinas Be Crazy

Last night the Bachelor Canada was only an hour long, but boy oh boy, did they cram a bunch of crazy into sixty minutes!

The night kicked off with Timbo choosing Kaylynn aka Black Swan for the first date.

Their date began with a helicopter ride to the top of Grouse mountain in Vancouver. Kaylynn gave Meg Ryan a run for her money by basically having an orgasm in the helicopter. I haven’t heard that many ‘Oh God’s’ since my First Holy Communion. Part two of their date (a sort of shitty date if you ask me) was dinner, during which Black Swan regaled Timbo with tales of her childhood trauma and how she was raised over the phone by her mother while she was at boarding school.

This lack of healthy attachment is important to remember because Black Swan goes ape later in the episode.

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Timbo, who’s obviously never seen Fatal Attraction, Misery or Swimfan, gives Kaylynn a rose. 

Date Two:

GROUP DATE!

Timbo selected 10 women to go dragon boat racing…in the pouring rain. This is when you know those girls are in it to win it, because if it were me, I’d be waiting in the van to go back to the house because there’s no way I’d be getting my hair wet.

Lead by the Vagician (April) and her voodoo mama juju magic, Jenny, Martha, Rilegh and Trisha win the race and are taken to what looks like the Mandarin or a Mulan theme park for a private after party. The girls are dressed as extras in Memoirs of A Geisha and spend the next few hours vying for Timbo’s attention.

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Rileigh, aka Chili’s (the waitress and philosophy student) tries to cut ahead of the pack and get down to the nitty gritty by telling Timbo she wants him to “cut the shit” and be himself.

If she had been holding a cigarette, ripping darts with a Tim Horton’s coffee cup in her hand, I would have sworn that conversation was taking place in a Timmies parking lot. Real classy, Chili’s. 

Timbo gives the group date rose to Trisha aka Miss Grand Supreme because he finds her “interesting.” Translation: he wants to sleep with her.

Date Three!

Timbo rolls up to the mansion where the ladies are staying, surprising them all in their pajamas.

Silly, Tim. That’s the fastest way to get cut by a bitch. 

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With help from the good people at Rimmel, Natalie (Kate Middleton), Christine (Little Streisand), April B (not the vagician)  and Sonia (Stacey’s Mom) get dolled up for a photo shoot with Tim.

I’m guessing the photoshoot was for…sex? I have no clue what they were trying to sell. All I know is that just by standing next to Stacey’s Mom, Timbo decides they have nothing in common and breaks up with her. Cue the the commercials for Summer’s Eve, because that was a real douche move. You can’t send the token cougar home without even talking to her!

Ageist, punk.

Anyways…

Timbo chooses the aloof April B to go make-out   get to know each other. For the next five minutes they avoided eye contact and drank wine, which is basically how most of my dates went before I met my boyfriend. TImbo managed to string a full sentence together and gives April B a rose.

Sweet Jesu Mio! The Cocktail party!

Before Black Swan goes off her rocker, there’s a beautiful shot of Kaylynn walking up to the bartender and saying, “Um… I’ll take a glass of white!”

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I think I wet my pants a little in anticipation. Drink up, buttercup! Scandal ain’t on for another twenty minutes and I need some drama!

Martha, the beautiful and feisty Latina get’s shut down by Timbo when she tries to steal him away from Little Streisand. Feeling a bit miffed, Martha carries on with her night like a champ, until she runs into Kaylynn/Black Swan freaking out about how Tim hasn’t tried to talk to her yet.

Ok. This is Bachelor/Bachelorette etiquette 101. If you have a rose, you sit your chosen ass down on the couch and you let everyone else get some QT with the bachelor/bachelorette. Seriously, this is something we learned from Alex Michel back in 2002.

Obviously the boarding school Kaylynn went to didn’t have a television or a psych evaluation, because she spends the rest of the evening in tears whenever Tim has time with the other women.

CUT TO….. the rose ceremony.

Black Swan, Trisha/Grand Supreme, and April B. already have roses.

Timbo gives roses too….

1. The Vagician

2. Seashell, who was quiet/normal for the entire episode

3. Martha, who says reminds us just how Hispanic she is by saying ‘gracias’

4. Dominique (Not a standout, but she was wearing a bolero jacket which clearly means she’s living in 1993)

5. Lisa/Twilight

6. Rileigh/Chili’s

7.  Jenny

The last rose goes to Natalie/Kate Middleton who says, “Don’t you ever do that to me again!”

Bitch, please. It’s a TV show. Calm the eff down.

During the final shot where everyone’s toasting to celebrate receiving a rose, Kaylynn starts hyperventilating and doing the ugly cry. She blames Martha for making her feel stupid for being so emotional (about what I have no idea). Seeing Kaylynn in full meltdown mode, Timbo steps in to have a few moments alone with the hysterical ballerina.

“I don’t want you to think I’m crazy!” Kaylynn cries.

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Any man in his right mind would have been running for the Rockies. Tim, once again demonstrating his inability to detect danger says, “I don’t, don’t worry!”

If I were there, I would have slipped Black Swan an Ativan and tucked her in for a night-night. By “Tuck” I mean put her in restraints, locked her in her room and thrown away the key.

Next week the crew heads to Cabo where we can see Timbo smolder on a beach.

Did you watch this week’s episodes?

Did you think everyone was crazy, too?

Meanwhile, in “that’s never happened to me” land

Have you ever been walking down the street on your way to work or to the market (I hear people say that all the time and it seems so fresh and youthful) and have been stopped by a handsome stranger who says, wait for it,…

“Hi, I know this is weird, but I just had to tell you, you might be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

giphy (7)Yeah… no…

That’s never happened to me. The closest thing I can think of is when I was driving on the highway at 2 am (it’s a long story) and looked over to see a middle aged man driving in what appeared to be a 1997 green Safari minivan, making sexually perverse hand gestures at me. I’m not going to lie, at first I was offended. Then I realized the situation and that I was crying in my car on the highway listening to a Glee soundtrack and I realized how wonderfully weird the whole thing was.

Where was I? Oh yes!

My friend Kristen is one of the most beautiful people I know. Not like, “inside and out” beautiful (although she is) I mean she’s aesthetically one of the most beautiful women I know. From the hair to the height to the legs and her style, she’s a head turner. Not lying. If I didn’t love her so much and she wasn’t one my oldest and best friends, I’d probably see a photo of her or see her at a bar and immediately hate her, because that’s the type of person I am. Anyways, wherever we go or wherever Kristen goes, someone stops her to flirt with her or just declare her the most beautiful person they’ve ever seen. Bless her heart, the girl is one of those people who has no idea how good looking she is, so she’s always shocked and very humble. Whenever this happens I’m watching from “that’s never happened to me” land and am always just in awe that these men, who aren’t even the crazy men pushing shopping carts preaching that the world is going to end type, have the courage to basically make every girl’s romantic comedy meet-cute dream come true.

This must be what being friends with Taylor Swift is like.

Today Kristen messaged me the following story that was too great not to share.

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He said remiss.

The guy, the handsome stranger, used the word ‘remiss’ in his exchange.

tumblr_inline_nb1v8iUHMx1qdzpzbHonestly, if someone said they would be, ‘remiss if they didn’t say anything to me” I’m pretty sure the restaurant would burn to the ground from the heat in my loins.

Listen, I’m a very lucky lady. I have a boyfriend who tells me everyday that he thinks I’m beautiful and blah blah blah. But never, ever has someone approached me at a bar to try and pick me up. Seriously, never. I would love someone to just breeze by (I imagine this to be Benedict Cumberbatch wearing his Sherlock scarf) verbally delight me with outdated diction, hand me his business card and leave me sitting with my mouth agape.

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Am I the only person who feels this way? Have I become like a neglected housewife starved for a little attention? Again, I’m a very happy girl and love my boyfriend to bits, but what is it about being admired by another person that boosts the ego?

Kristen has no plans to call the mystery man. I don’t blame her. I probably wouldn’t either. But it would be remiss not to pass on this story to women everywhere about the time a good looking man approached a good looking woman in ‘that’s never happened to me’ land.