reality TV

The Bachelorette: Episode 1- Good Mojo 4 Jojo

The latest season of The Bachelorette premiered on Monday night, and although it was about two hours of carbon copy white dudes exiting a limo, it was worth watching just to see the previews for what looks like a crazy dramatic season!

I wont go into too much detail of what happened (this isn’t a recap, there are people being paid to write those elsewhere), but I will give you my thoughts, talk shit and swoon about yesterday’s fantastic premiere!

Let’s start with the belle of the ball:

Jojo

 

I’m a big fan of Jojo. I think she’s beautiful and charming and was really excited when she was named the next Bachelorette. I think Jojo and former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman are similar in that they’re both successful Southern women who drop “y’all” left right and center, with great hair and fake and bake tans, but unlike Andi, Jojo reads much softer and sweeter on camera.

Ok, let’s talk about the men.

Jordan

Jordan is already the front-runner of the season because he nabbed the first impression rose and is brother to NFL player Aaron Rodgers (who I refer to as Olivia Munn’s boyfriend). I’m not sold on Jordan, but he has thunder thighs and skinny jeans and in high school I would have eaten that shit up. Be careful, Jojo “Former Pro-Football” player is code word for “Unemployed Fame Seeker.”

Chad

Listen, I’m sure Chad’s mom thinks he’s great, but in actuality, Chad looks like he’s one injection of ‘roids away from committing a murder suicide (also his neck-beard looks like untamed bush) The temper on this one looks terrifying. The only thing that upsets me more than an angry, violent man, is a sales person who doesn’t know the importance of staying on brand. Seriously, Chad – you’re a real estate agent. Do you think this is good for your brand/sales/client base? Get it together. Read a book. No bueno, Chad. NO BUENO!

Luke

I legit burst out laughing when Luke stood against a barn looking like a Clint Eastwood impersonator at a roadhouse restaurant. Although he’s an army vet, he’s also an aspiring country singer. I’m already dreading the inevitable moment when he pulls out a six string and serenades Jojo with a song. It’s cringe worthy. I’ve dated some musicians in my time, and I would laugh whenever they tried to serenade me. Work on your craft…but in a sound proof room.

 

Brandon

The hipster is so far my personal favourite of the season. Have you read his Bachelorette bio? Swoon. Have you seen his Ethan Hawke Reality Bytes hair? That’s the dream. Apparently Brandon is actually a model (which I could overlook) but judging by his beaded bracelet and the fact that Jojo seems uninterested in circle scarfs and slam poetry, his days seem numbered.

This season looks dramatic as f*ck, and I’m so excited for glittery gowns, balyage highlights and testosterone fueled bitch fights.

Are you watching this season? Who are your favourites so far?

 

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The Bachelor: Boring people stay boring, Jojo FTW

The season finale of the Bachelor aired this week on ABC, with Bachelor Ben Higgins proposing to flight attendant, Lauren Bushnell.

Ok. I’ve had a few people ask me how I feel about the results and even though IDGAF, I think Ben made the right choice for his vanilla-christian lite lifestyle. Ben is a babe, don’t get me wrong, but we rarely got to see him make a joke, take off his shirt or do anything without crying. Lauren is beautiful, there’s no doubt about that- she has the Aryan teenage dream, size 2, zero cellulite thing going on. The two had an undeniable missionary position chemistry that Bachelor fans love. I find them boring. I already don’t care about their relationship.

Personally, I was a fan of Jojo, the 24-year old super tanned Isla Fisher doppelganger sporting ombre locks and a Cartier love bracelet (Oh yes, I noticed). Jojo is hot, and I’m going out on a limb here and saying her boobs are fake, but I’m not judging – I’m envying that she has enough money for the love bracelet and the tit job. The thing about Jojo is that she was TOO much for Ben; too sexy, too sweet. With Jojo as the new Bachelorette, I want to see her with a former-athlete type who, I don’t know, rescues dogs and thinks he writes good poetry. Something like that.

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Joelle “Jojo” Fletcher – Source 

The season was, arguably, one of the best in Bachelor franchise history, with several stand out contestants. We had Lace, the Pinot Grigio enthusiast with entitlement issues, who many people thought was the front-runner as the season’s resident villain. In a moment of clarity and self-awareness, Lace excused herself from the Bachelor, saying she needed to work on herself before she could find love. Lil Lace proved to be the smartest one of the bunch when she realized competing with 25 women for the attention of one man is f*cked up and unhealthy.

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Then there was Jubilee, the Haitian born sergeant in the US Army, who ruffled feathers with the other contestants by being “awkward” and the self proclaimed “full black” contestant. Jubilee’s presence reintroduced the topic of diversity on the show, and many were hoping Jubilee would become the first black Bachelorette. Jubes was also the victim of some serious girl shit, with several nameless, irrelevant contestants hounding Jubilee for not being a cookie-cutter fake-ass bitch.

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Bullying was taken to the NEXT level with Olivia, the slightly delusional Cameron Diaz clone who made enemies right away by receiving the First Impression Rose. Olivia…liked to embellish her connection with Ben. Maybe romanticize the situation a little, and got carried away with her pop culture Teen Mom references. However entertaining her behaviour was for viewers at home, Olivia quickly became the target of internet trolls, and was cut up by all of her fellow cast mates on the Women Tell All for having bad breath and cankles.

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Not cool.

I talk a lot of shit on this blog, mostly in jest, but I seriously dislike when people are ganged up on by their peers. I side with the under-dog at all times. Olivia and Jubes- I got chu.

My friends and I gathered every Monday to watch the Bachelor for some girl chat and junk food. For the finale, we went all out! Here are some pictures from our Bachelor Finale viewing party!

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Our amazing t-shirts designed and made by my friend, Olivia!

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The Monday night squad!

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A party without cake is just a meeting

Did you watch the Bachelor finale?

Were you happy with Ben’s pick?

 

Are they going to make it? Let’s chat!

 

 

The Bachelorette: Why I’m back to Team Nick

Oh, Bachelorette fans. We’ve been through the trenches. We’ve Instagram stalked, Twitter crept, and Facebook searched for our favourite contestants only to have 90% of Bachelor/Bachelorette relationships end within 6 months of the show finale.

We must be eternal optimists, because we keep being sucked back into the vortex of hot tubs, one on one dates and good looking gents and dames there “for the right reasons.”

Last night on the Bachelorette, Kaitlyn Bristowe spilled the beans about having sex with show alum Nick Viall to contestant Shawn Booth, the personal trainer/ Gosling wannabe with a voice that could impregnate and a penchant for bathroom breakdowns. Booth was so upset to hear Kaitlyn hooked up with Nick, he was overheard off camera saying, “I’m so tense, I cant even piss.” Booth played it cool, telling Kaitlyn he was upset but ultimately wants to be with her. Insiders say it took a while but he eventually calmed down enough to relieve himself.

I’ve always been on the fence with Nick Viall. During Andi’s season of the Bachelorette I thought he was charming although I wasn’t quite sure if his feelings were truly genuine. Nick always said the right things, placed his hands on the right spots (small of the back, upper thigh, cupped the face while he kissed) and had the “aw shucks” face down pat whenever he said something smooth. I wondered if Nick was just a smooth operator but then I realized he was one of about 30 kids, which means he has a lot of sisters and was probably exposed to romantic comedies at a very young age.

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It’s not uncommon for Bachelor alums to date one another, so I wasn’t TOO surprised when Nick made his appearance on this season of the Bachelorette, however returning to the reality TV world after taking such a public social media beating was a questionable move to me, and one that raised red flags. Our little Canadian Halfling ate up all of Nick’s moves and got cozy with the Chicago native before fantasy suites (whatever, no judgement).

Here’s why I’m back on Team Nick…

Nick handled his hook-up with Kaitlyn like a gentleman by not playing the kiss and tell game to any of the other contestants. He also seemed genuinely offended when Kaitlyn begged him not to tell anyone, which mmmmmmaaaaaybe isn’t the nicest thing to say to someone you just slept with but I doubt there’s a chapter on that in Emily Post’s guide to Reality TV.

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Lumberjack Six Pack, Booth was so threatened by Viall that he refused to even mention him by name, often referring to Nick as, “that other guy.” A little childish, yes. Especially when someone VOLUNTARILY SIGNS UP FOR A SHOW WHERE 25 GUYS DATE THE SAME WOMAN.  Shawn, aren’t there like, 20 TV’s at the gym? Are you telling me you’ve never seen an episode of the Bachelorette before?

Booth’s gone to that dark place where insecure people go where whenever they see the object of their insecurity/affection, they have the SAME conversation over and over again. Instead of having adorable little moments and finding out that they both really like The Goonies and Nutella sandwiches, Shawn is constantly asking if he’s the one. I don’t know how Kaitlyn puts up with it, because I would be duct taping his mouth shut and asking him to lift heavy objects instead.

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Timing, bro. Timing.

Shawn is hot. But whiney. and a little needy, but looks like he can fix something in the house if it breaks.

Nick is also hot. Less whiney, but looks like he would have the money to hire someone to fix something that breaks.

Where are you on the Shawn v. Nick debate?

Who do you think Kaitlyn will choose?

Friday Five!

Happy Friday!

I hope you all have spectacular plans for this weekend. I look forward to reading about them on Monday (the dreaded day).

Here are five random things I’m loving this week. I’m warning you – most are pop culture related and have no actual relevance in the world.

Ok let’s go!

1. Selena Gomez’s ill-fitting bikini

This bikini is horrible, but Selena’s such a pretty girl, she doesn’t give a fuck. I saw these pictures and immediately thought that Selena, in Mexico on vacation, wanted to go swimming randomly and her friend, who’s probably like, 4 inches shorter and a size smaller was like, “Hey borrow my swimsuit, we’re totally the same size.”

You’ve been there. We’ve all been there. A friend randomly wants to go swimming or in a hot tub and you’re totally unprepared and your friend insists she has a suit for you that will fit, The next thing you know you’re reaching for a towel and your boob pops out in front of everyone.

It happens.

2. Kim Richards arrested for Public Intoxication

There are probably people thinking, “Who was arrested for what?”

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Shut up, you guys. This is for people without lives and who love The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and every Real Housewives in North America!

Home girl was arrested for making a scene in a polo lounge. First of all, that’s a pretty classy place to make a scene, so kudos to her for doing it right. It would have been worse had she been at an IHOP or something. So even though, this sucks, she still has more money than me.

Everyone who knows Kim from the RHOBH, knows the star has some addiction issues. This isn’t necessarily my “fave” thing of the week, but I just needed to talk about it, because I have a lot of feelings, zero friends at work, and nothing better to do.

3. Kylie Jenner’s new face on the new Teen Vogue

The littlest Jenner is on the new cover of Teen Vogue which I’m sure was not at all due to Kris Jenner calling in some favors to get the forgotten child some legitimate work.

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I can’t hate on this cover. She looks good. And she’s fully clothed. Two things that don’t happen that often in the Kardashian/Jenner world.  Whatever she’s done to her face, I want done to mine. I think money happened. That’s what happens to all rich people. Money = new face.

I’m not sure what’s in store for Kylie but I have a feeling it includes a lot of legal fees.

NEXT

4. Time Magazine doesn’t want anyone to sleep with Bradley Cooper, ever.

Just look at this picture.

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BCoops is a babe, but this picture reminds me that he is in fact, a 40 year old babe. Although still attractive, I feel like his knees crack when he stands up.

I thought this was a picture of Jason Bateman on a bad day. If Coops is single for a while, he can blame this photo.

5.  Gisele Quits the Runway

Bye, Felicia

Thanks for giving me unattainable hair goals. See you in print and on TV which you will no doubt try to conquer.

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Sometimes I just get mad at beautiful people.  I get mad at Gisele a lot. I get mad at Tom Brady and Gisele a lot.

Oh well.

Thanks for the insecurities!

A Tale of Two Bachelorettes

If you saw my Twitter feed yesterday,  you probably thought I was in the middle of a psychotic break when I heard the news about ABC deciding to have TWO women going head to head for the title of next season’s Bachelorette.

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First things first: The Bachelor has been struggling for cred and ratings since the Juan Pablo PR disaster and Andi Dorfmann/Josh Murray split. The signs were there: former Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock’s wedding to her final rose winner Chris Sigfried wasn’t televised, and Bachelor in Paradise’s season was fairly short compared to a typical season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise.

I get the network is looking to shake things up, but I didn’t ask for this backwards sexist, 1950’s Mean Girl shit.

The new season will have fan favourite (and Canadian) Kaitlyn Bristowe and controversial make-out bandit Britt Nilsson meeting 25 hopeful bachelors who will decide which woman would make a better wife. Their choice will continue the season as the Bachelorette. The other, I’m assuming will go home with a lifetime supply of Hamburger Helper, low self esteem and a bitchin’ spray tan.

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Kaitlyn Bristowe (left) and Britt Nilsson (right)

How will the men decide?

Most likely through some kind of bake-off, house chore obstacle course, pelvic exam, swimsuit competition and of course, they’ll most likely test drive each one before they make a decision (Hey, don’t buy the car without a test drive, amirite?)

HORSE PUCKEY!

THIS IS HOGWASH!

Let me tell you what happened here.

Some producer or executive said, “Nobody likes Britt, but she’s pretty with hair like spun gold. America like’s fake-ass beauties. Let’s put her on TV!”

Some female P.A was listening and piped in with a, “Um, I think everyone likes the Canadian funny one, Kaitlyn.”

To which Executive A responded, “I know, we’ll have them mud wrestle for the title!”

“Sir. I don’t think we can do that during primetime.” said the nervous PA.

“Fine, we’ll have the men choose. Men love this kind of stuff. Hold my calls, I’m going to go play a round before lunch.”

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AND HERE WE ARE.

Britt is beautiful in that wannabe waitress, free love, creepy church basement cult way. I’m sure she’s a lovely person. I’m sure she’s got friends and family and get’s stopped on the street by strangers who tell her she should be on TV. But let’s be real. This is a classic example of a pretty girl getting a free pass from Hollywood despite viewers clearly favoring Kaitlyn.

Sorry, boo. Your hair is magic, but you’ve got to go back to cattle calls for walk on roles in Lifetime movies.

Kaitlyn got robbed. She knows it. We know it. If she isn’t picked as Bachelorette by whatever gaggle of horned up advertising executives ABC manages to rope into the next season, I quit the Bachelor franchise.

That’s right.

As Tina Fey is my witness, I’ll fill my Monday nights in other ways. I’ll start watching the Voice or I’ll take up cribbage.

Oh yeah. By the way. The farmer strung together a sentence and asked Whitney to marry him.

Whatever.

I’m going to take a nap.

On Duggar courtship, side hugs, and hand holding

My friend Kathryn recently shared an article written by author and journalist, Dan Savage, about the Duggars entitled, “Should the Duggar Girls #FuckFirst?”

Did that get your attention? It got mine.

Spoiler alert: They have competing views about pre-marital sex and human rights! (shocking)

(more…)

Bachelor Canada S2 Ep 2 – Ballerinas Be Crazy

Last night the Bachelor Canada was only an hour long, but boy oh boy, did they cram a bunch of crazy into sixty minutes!

The night kicked off with Timbo choosing Kaylynn aka Black Swan for the first date.

Their date began with a helicopter ride to the top of Grouse mountain in Vancouver. Kaylynn gave Meg Ryan a run for her money by basically having an orgasm in the helicopter. I haven’t heard that many ‘Oh God’s’ since my First Holy Communion. Part two of their date (a sort of shitty date if you ask me) was dinner, during which Black Swan regaled Timbo with tales of her childhood trauma and how she was raised over the phone by her mother while she was at boarding school.

This lack of healthy attachment is important to remember because Black Swan goes ape later in the episode.

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Timbo, who’s obviously never seen Fatal Attraction, Misery or Swimfan, gives Kaylynn a rose. 

Date Two:

GROUP DATE!

Timbo selected 10 women to go dragon boat racing…in the pouring rain. This is when you know those girls are in it to win it, because if it were me, I’d be waiting in the van to go back to the house because there’s no way I’d be getting my hair wet.

Lead by the Vagician (April) and her voodoo mama juju magic, Jenny, Martha, Rilegh and Trisha win the race and are taken to what looks like the Mandarin or a Mulan theme park for a private after party. The girls are dressed as extras in Memoirs of A Geisha and spend the next few hours vying for Timbo’s attention.

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Rileigh, aka Chili’s (the waitress and philosophy student) tries to cut ahead of the pack and get down to the nitty gritty by telling Timbo she wants him to “cut the shit” and be himself.

If she had been holding a cigarette, ripping darts with a Tim Horton’s coffee cup in her hand, I would have sworn that conversation was taking place in a Timmies parking lot. Real classy, Chili’s. 

Timbo gives the group date rose to Trisha aka Miss Grand Supreme because he finds her “interesting.” Translation: he wants to sleep with her.

Date Three!

Timbo rolls up to the mansion where the ladies are staying, surprising them all in their pajamas.

Silly, Tim. That’s the fastest way to get cut by a bitch. 

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With help from the good people at Rimmel, Natalie (Kate Middleton), Christine (Little Streisand), April B (not the vagician)  and Sonia (Stacey’s Mom) get dolled up for a photo shoot with Tim.

I’m guessing the photoshoot was for…sex? I have no clue what they were trying to sell. All I know is that just by standing next to Stacey’s Mom, Timbo decides they have nothing in common and breaks up with her. Cue the the commercials for Summer’s Eve, because that was a real douche move. You can’t send the token cougar home without even talking to her!

Ageist, punk.

Anyways…

Timbo chooses the aloof April B to go make-out   get to know each other. For the next five minutes they avoided eye contact and drank wine, which is basically how most of my dates went before I met my boyfriend. TImbo managed to string a full sentence together and gives April B a rose.

Sweet Jesu Mio! The Cocktail party!

Before Black Swan goes off her rocker, there’s a beautiful shot of Kaylynn walking up to the bartender and saying, “Um… I’ll take a glass of white!”

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I think I wet my pants a little in anticipation. Drink up, buttercup! Scandal ain’t on for another twenty minutes and I need some drama!

Martha, the beautiful and feisty Latina get’s shut down by Timbo when she tries to steal him away from Little Streisand. Feeling a bit miffed, Martha carries on with her night like a champ, until she runs into Kaylynn/Black Swan freaking out about how Tim hasn’t tried to talk to her yet.

Ok. This is Bachelor/Bachelorette etiquette 101. If you have a rose, you sit your chosen ass down on the couch and you let everyone else get some QT with the bachelor/bachelorette. Seriously, this is something we learned from Alex Michel back in 2002.

Obviously the boarding school Kaylynn went to didn’t have a television or a psych evaluation, because she spends the rest of the evening in tears whenever Tim has time with the other women.

CUT TO….. the rose ceremony.

Black Swan, Trisha/Grand Supreme, and April B. already have roses.

Timbo gives roses too….

1. The Vagician

2. Seashell, who was quiet/normal for the entire episode

3. Martha, who says reminds us just how Hispanic she is by saying ‘gracias’

4. Dominique (Not a standout, but she was wearing a bolero jacket which clearly means she’s living in 1993)

5. Lisa/Twilight

6. Rileigh/Chili’s

7.  Jenny

The last rose goes to Natalie/Kate Middleton who says, “Don’t you ever do that to me again!”

Bitch, please. It’s a TV show. Calm the eff down.

During the final shot where everyone’s toasting to celebrate receiving a rose, Kaylynn starts hyperventilating and doing the ugly cry. She blames Martha for making her feel stupid for being so emotional (about what I have no idea). Seeing Kaylynn in full meltdown mode, Timbo steps in to have a few moments alone with the hysterical ballerina.

“I don’t want you to think I’m crazy!” Kaylynn cries.

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Any man in his right mind would have been running for the Rockies. Tim, once again demonstrating his inability to detect danger says, “I don’t, don’t worry!”

If I were there, I would have slipped Black Swan an Ativan and tucked her in for a night-night. By “Tuck” I mean put her in restraints, locked her in her room and thrown away the key.

Next week the crew heads to Cabo where we can see Timbo smolder on a beach.

Did you watch this week’s episodes?

Did you think everyone was crazy, too?

Bachelor Canada: Recap S2 Ep 1 “Meet the Glitter B*tches”

Bachelor Canada Season 2 premiered last night. I’m not going to pull any punches or lie to you…

It was probably the best night of Canadian television I’ve ever experienced. Even better then the time Drake was shot on Degrassi Jr. High and became Wheelchair Jimmy.

I’m not sure if you can watch Bachelor Canada where you live, but if you’re like me and are obsessed with watching beautiful crazies fall in “love” on television, you have to go to the official Bachelor Canada website now and watch!

It all began with an introduction of Tim Warmels, the new Bachelor who is basically a living Davidoff Cool Water ad.

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Source: LionsdenU

I’m not exactly sure WHAT he does for a living. I think someone threw around the word entrepreneur which makes me nervous because whenever I hear that term I always think that’s code for drug dealer, but Timbo, whatever you’re sellin’ I’m buyin’.

The man is good looking. So good looking if you stare at him too long you start to wonder if he’s a wax figure or a Disney Prince. He has one expression: smoldering. I spent two hours trying to figure out which one of his eyebrows was my favourite. (Spoiler alert: It’s his right one).

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Source: City TV

I expect big things from Timbo. I was a big supporter of Canada’s first bachelor, Brad Smith, who I once referred to as the guy I’d want to get drunk and make a few mistakes with. If Timbo wants to win over the hearts of Canadian women everywhere, he’ll have to turn down the Greek god Adonis thing he’s got going on and maybe come on camera with like, morning eye goop or armpit sweat stains, because right now it’s all just TOO pretty.

Now for the fun part…

The contestants!

This year’s contestants are stunners. Seriously, I think the casting agents went to each town in Canada and said, “Direct me to your Homecoming Queen.”  Everyone looked like a million (Canadian) dollars in their sequined gowns, but there wasn’t enough glitter in the world to hide the fact that there were a few nut jobs.

Warning: Everyone this season is brunette. It’s inevitable that you’ll be confused and get everyone’s name mixed up, so I’ve decided to help you out. I’m giving some of last night’s standouts some nicknames to help you keep track of their Canuck kind of crazy.

Rileigh “Chili’s” 

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source: City TV

Chili’s is a philosophy student and waitress who greeted Timbo with shots. I’m not sure if this was the best approach, but it was cute.  Chili’s got a little upset when her time with Timbo was cut short by other contestants trying to get some face time with the bachelor. My guess is she spent the rest of the night talking about Kant and asking the other girls if they needed a refill on their champagne. Werk for those tips, Chili’s.

Renée- Anne “Rene Angélil”

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Source: City TV

Renée is an ER doctor, which means she’s the only contestant on the show with a real job. I’ve decided to nickname her René Angélil (Celine Dion’s husband) because she’s got the most smarts out of  all the divas this season. RA gave Timbo a prescription for a good time, probably a refillable prescription of Valtrex (just in case) and spent the party mingling with the rest of the contestants.

Sachelle “Seashell”

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source City TV

I actually really like this girl. I’m putting her in my final 3 for the whole show. She gave Timbo a seashell to help  him remember her name. It got a little weird when she told him to keep it in his pocket, so whenever he felt it during the night he’d think of her.

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Seashell must have spent a lot of time on Tinder, because things went to an inappropriate place in a hot minute. Still, I’m putting my money on Seashell to stick around until the end of the show!

Kaylynn “Black Swan”

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source : City TV

Just like Natalie Portman, this chick went from likable ballerina to bat shit crazy within 2 hours. Timbo and Kaylynn shared a moment where they talked about their insecurities. Yes, Canada. Apparently, beautiful people have problems too. Timbo tried to tell  Kaylynn that he used to be made fun of when he was younger because, “he used to not be very good looking.”

Cue this:

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Black Swan was the first to cry this season after Timbo gave several roses to other contestants before the rose ceremony even began. This prima wondered out loud what Timbo saw in the other contestants that he didn’t see in her.

Gee, I don’t know? Sobriety? The ability to form healthy attachments? Take your pick.

Natalie “Kate Middleton”

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source: City TV

I’ll be shocked if Kate Middleton doesn’t leave this show with a giant cushion cut engagement ring because she’s definitely the front runner this season. Just like the Duchess of Cambridge, this girl is beautiful, and will wreck your hopes and dreams of becoming a princess. She made it a LITTLE awkward by asking Timbo within the first five seconds of chatting what his first impression of her was. Note to Timbo: Just pet her hair and tell her she’s beautiful. That’s probably all she wants.

Kate Middleton FTW!

Christine “Little Streisand”

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source: City TV

There’s one every year. Unfortunately, Christine is season’s fame seeker. Streisand Jr. made things really awkward by singing Timbo a song that she wrote for him. Obviously not a hearing man, Timbo gave lil Streis the First Impression Rose probably to shut her up, but most likely because she took a risk. A really, really, really, weird and awkward risk.

April “The Vagician”

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source City TV

Meet Amy. Amy likes burlesque. Amy works as a Wax Artist and refers to herself as a “Vagician”. Amy exited the limo in a cloud of gold glitter. Amy likes to get naked and for her birthday fulfilled her life long dream of becoming a cheerleader. Amy got a rose. Amy is my new favourite person of all time.

Sonia “Stacey’s Mom”

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source:: City TV

Remember that song, “Stacey’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne? That’s pretty much all I hear when I see Sonia on screen. Sonia is a 42 year old lingerie model who has a better body than anyone I know, including my 40 year old friend who looks like the extra in a Whitesnake video (that’s a compliment in my books). I’m pulling for Stacey’s Mom to school these young bitties and steal  Timbo’s heart. You go, Stacey’s Mom. You’ve got it going on.

Trisha “Miss Grand Supreme” 

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source City TV

Trisha is a professional Beauty Queen. I’m not really sure what that means, but I’m pretty sure it comes with a sense of entitlement and an inflated ego. Trisha is beautiful, no doubting that – but she threw a little bit of a shit fit when her name wasn’t immediately called during the rose ceremony. She was two seconds from lighting a baton on fire and twirling it with all her might. Miss Grand Supreme has the potential to win the title of Mrs. Timbo if she can keep the pouting to a minimum and tries a little harder to win Miss Congeniality.

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Lisa “Twilight”

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source: City TV

Finally! A little diversity!  This is Lisa. You may recognize her from the Twilight Saga. You should, because Lisa wore the exact same outfit as Victoria from the first Twilight movie (why the hell do I know so much about Twilight?). Twilight is already being painted in previews as the mean girl of the group. So she spilled her drink all over a girl’s dress during the first hour. Does one mean act mean she’s a mean girl? Is this because she has red hair?!

In all seriousness, it looks like Twilight goes pretty far this season. I’m making her my pick for the final three, simply because TV viewers eat this shit up, and in Bachelor history, the mean girl usually makes it to the very end.  I’ll wish her good luck, because she actually scares the crap out of me.

There’s a few other girls who didn’t make TOO much of an impression on me which means they’re probably relatively sane

As of Episode 1 my money is on Kate Middleton, Seashell and Twilight as the final three.

Did you watch?

Tell me what you think!

*The opinions stated in this post are entirely my own. I’m in no way affiliated with Bachelor Canada. However, if they would like to send me a Rimmel makeup gift bag I can be reached at 905-632….