motherhood

Happy (Not a) Mother’s Day!

I feel as though Mother’s Day is not only a time to give thanks to all the women in our lives who sacrifice for their progeny, but also a time for reflection.

As a single woman in her late twenties, my desire for children increases steadily with every new grey hair and heavy menstrual flow (seriously 9 months without a period sounds divine).

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Even though I hope to become a mother someday, I have to say, with each passing Mother’s Day, I breathe a huge sigh of relief that I’ve managed to go another 365 days without giving birth.

I’d like to thank God, first and foremost for not bestowing me with any gifts this year.

To the makers of the morning after pill/Plan B

Shit gets a little out of hand sometimes.  I’ll gladly endure three minutes of judgement from a pharmacist when purchasing your product if it means I can maintain a strong pelvic floor.

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To the men who insist on practicing safe sex

You’re all gems and someday (presumably after marriage) I hope you get to enjoy the wonders of unprotected sex to make oodles and oodles of babies.

To the Canadian government

Thank you for protecting my right to a safe and legal abortion. It’s good to know you’re there for me in case I ever have to make those tough decisions. So far so good.

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To Ryan Gosling movies and adult bedroom accessories

Thank you for making those lonely nights bearable. Without you, I would definitely be making some seriously big errors in judgement when times were tough.

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Lastly, I’d like to thank my own Mother, for constantly reminding me that being a mother means I would have to give up my obscene online shopping habit and after-work naps. I can think of no greater motivation to not get pregnant. That and you constantly saying to me, “Thank god you’re not someone’s mother,” really does the trick in closing this womb to the public.

Happy Not a Mother’s Day, everyone!

Bring on the mimosas!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*This post is purely for entertainment. Babies are a blessing, and for women everywhere who are struggling with infertility, I empathize with you on your difficult journey into motherhood. Have faith xo

 

 

 

 

#PeriodProblems: Reasons I’m crying

There are some people who are grossed out when I talk about menstruation. Those people usually have penises. It’s not that I think the female reproductive system is a beautiful thing, I’m really just  looking for any and every opportunity to commiserate with my fellow egg baskets over our monthly massacres.

This morning I woke up with a week early monthly guest and a horrible nosebleed. I just tilted my head back, looked to the heavens and let everything just flow south. The only plus side to this unexpected horror, was that my best friend and I have synched our cycles, which I’m hoping means we can FINALLY fight crime and make others shed blood instead of shedding our own.

The whole thing seems very Wiccan to me. I kind of dig it.

Until then, I’ll be sitting in pajama pants, clutching my pooch, waiting the week out so I can stop crying randomly at anything and everything.

What makes me cry during my period?

Day 1: Getting my period

*Tears of Joy*

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Day 2: Catching a glimpse of my bloated self in the mirror and wondering, “Hmm, this is what I would look like at 4 months pregnant.” Then hyperventilating because you can’t imagine yourself ever being ready for motherhood

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Day 2: Afternoon

Crying because you’re worried, that if you ultimately do want kids, what if you later discover you’re infertile, and then you’ve just got your period to waste tampons and good underpants on a monthly reminder of what you can’t have.

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Day 2: Evening

Crying because you’ll get to adopt a kid and keep shit right down there.

*Tears of joy*

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Day 3: Watching old Hollywood movies and crying because everyone in the movie is probably dead

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Day 4: Checking online dating profiles and crying because you’re online dating

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Day 4: 10 mins later

Crying because you’re worried nobody will love the guys you’re swiping left to. SOMEONE SHOULD LOVE THEM!

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(Just not me. Never me)

Day 5: Seeing an old person take their dog on a walk. The dog’s wearing a coat and little booties.

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Day 6: Adele.

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Day 7:

Happily skipping out the door without a feminine product only to find that your body is a traitor and released a last wave of assault to remind you that you should never, ever, think you understand your body.

(Oh yes, Girls. Some of us are full week-ers)

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Day 8: PTSD

You only have 21 days before you have to relive the carnage.

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Brb. Gotta go eat some cookies.

 

 

Surprise! I’m a Mommy

Actually I’m a Godmother. It’s basically the same thing. Except I get to sleep at night and get to swoop in for unlimited cuddles whenever I feel like it  (which is all the time).
A few months ago, my best friend/sister/soul-mate Marie and her husband, Nathan, asked me to be the godmother to their daughter, Evie. I was overcome with emotion and went into the ugliest cry of happy tears.
Last Sunday we celebrated Evie’s baptism and our bond was made official!  I love my nieces tremendously and becoming an aunt (3 times!) changed my life in the best way possible. Being asked to be someone’s godmother takes everything to the next level.
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    I THINK this means, that if something were to happen to Marie and Nathan, I would (obviously) become legal guardians of their daughters. Thus, setting myself up for the plot of the best romantic comedy of all time. I’m already living the first half of a romantic comedy: Single career woman resigns herself to life alone with bottles of wine and cats, when all of a sudden she becomes a single “mom” of two.

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One Direction straight into parenthood

Oh lawd.

I can heard them now. Millions of teenage girls freaking out at the thought that their favourite ( but most likely fourth favourite) member of One Direction, Louis Tomlinson, becoming a father.

Louis, who to me has always been known as “the homeless looking one,” is apparently very excited at the idea of becoming a father with his friend (not girlfriend), Briana Jungwirth.

In what is possibly my favourite confirmation that accidents happen, a source close to Tomlinson says,

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Preggers in the Workplace

No, I’m not pregnant but keep reading…

It’s not uncommon to experience some kind of gender inequality in the office.I get it all the time being in a male dominated field. I love my team and the group I work with, but working in IT has made my life an 8 hour long episode of the Big Bang Theory: I’m second guessed, have to show up a little earlier, push harder for my ideas to be heard, and have to know how to be “one of the boys” when I need to be. It’s difficult and I’m just me – an unmarried, childless, 27 year old.

With more of my friends becoming mothers or having their second child, I’ve been able to gain a different perspective of what it’s like to be a working pregnant woman. Here’s what I’ve gathered: It’s f*cking hard.100x harder than I imagined.

I go on this rant because I’ve just read an article from the Atlantic called Yes, There Really Are More Pregnant Women at the Office, and I’ve got my feministy rage going on. I’ve looked around my office and see zero baby bumps and wonder if women are afraid to get pregnant because of this discrimination in the workplace.

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Kate Middleton – workin’ through her pregnancy…in heels.

I love me a good baby bump (or food baby, whatever). I will talk babies all day long, I’ll shoot the shit about stretch marks, morning sickness, hemorrhoids and episiotomies any chance I can get. My enthusiasm for pregnancy, I’ve noticed, is not matched by male colleagues (and females, let’s be honest).

In fact, I’ve noticed in my 5+ years in the corporate world that despite everything being pink and blue booties, most employer’s still see pregnancy as an inconvenience. Doctors appointments mean less availability, maternity leave means change and having to delegate tasks or find replacements, and sometimes insensitive comments are made insinuating that pregnant women are just looking for an easy ride and a year off to play house.

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I can’t count the times my best friend and little sister experienced discrimination from her coworkers because she was pregnant. We would spend hours talking about how her working relationships have changed and how isolated she felt.  As her best friend, I of course volunteered to break someone’s legs or slash some tires.

I’ve also noticed that a lot of women are pushing to prove themselves as these baby making machines that can do it all: work until their due date, take a shorter maternity leave, and push themselves to the limit jeopardizing their health and the health of their baby.

I’m all over the map when it comes to becoming a mom. It’s something I don’t plan on doing until I’m on the other side of 30. But when and if I do become preggers, I don’t want to have to worry that my career and my relationships will suffer.

What do y’all think? Have you experienced this or witnessed others being insensitive to pregnant women?