Dating is hard, y’all. It’s a jungle out there. I fully commend anyone looking for love (or something like love) for going online and downloading dating apps and putting themselves out there.
I could see the headlines now, “Canadian nobody lures London woman to her death in mistaken identity sex trap”
A little wordy, but fitting.
On Tuesday evening I received the following message via Instagram,
Hey! I hope you’re okay. So random- I came across your Twitter profile because of the bachelor and realised I noticed you from somewhere
I would be lost without my Flipboard App.
Mostly because then I would have to actually talk to other people instead of looking busy on my phone.
I came across an article the other day that caught my eye, called 17 ways men can appear more attractive to women, published on the Business Insider website. The article suggests choosing, “someone in your league,” and “wearing a new cologne,” to help attract the ladies.
Since I consider myself to hold a P.H.D in Sociology, Anthropology, Psychology and Cosmetology, I thought I would help a brother out and provide my own list of suggestions to help those with danglers get a P in a V this Valentine’s Day.
You would think this would be common knowledge, but unfortunately, I have to put hygiene at the top of my list for ways to appear more attractive to women.
Please, for the love of God, shower at least once or twice a day. Preferably in the morning, before our dates, and after you leave the gym. This is what separates the boys from the men.
Attraction is about pheromones and don’t get me wrong, I love a little bit of man-musk but there’s a difference between “Hot guy with a hint of Irish Spring soap” and
“Hot Guy who I’ll never call again because he smells like aged cheddar.”
If you REALLY want to make us weak in the knees, how’s about a spritz of cologne for the fancy occasions? Just a spritz. I shouldn’t be able to taste you when you walk by me.
If I have to shave my legs, armpits, bikini area, tweeze my eyebrows, wax my upper lip, and unfortunately pluck a stray chin hair, you sure as shit have to at least match me in the level of grooming.
You think I do all this for fun? No. I do this so that you’ll have sex with me.
All bets are off if if I get close to you and realize you’ve got one eyebrow, a mustache starting from your nostrils and back hair coming out of your shirt to wave hello to me.
Quit focusing so much on shaving your man-brambles. Truth be told it’s kind of terrifying if you’re a complete Yeti and then from the waist down your penis has bangs and is looking at me. We don’t really care, because we don’t want to even SEE it. Seriously. A trim will suffice.
I don’t expect you to take off your shirt and all of a sudden be Channing Tatum, but gimme something. Show you care. That’s all I’m asking.
Change your sheets
Men who do laundry are attractive. Men who voluntarily wash their sheets are husband material. I like to know that if we’re having adult sleepovers, I’m not rolling around in a month’s worth of your dead skin cells, your ejaculated children, or any other bodily fluid that isn’t the direct result of our wrestling match that day.
Change your sheets once a week. Every week. Seriously.
Wear dark wash jeans
An independent study conducted by me noted that men who wear dark wash jeans are 100% more attractive than those wearing acid wash or classic light blue denim.
Leave your sneakers at home
Remember when you were in elementary school and you got a sick new pair of running shoes that you couldn’t wait to wear to school to show your friends? Yeah, well we aren’t in elementary school anymore. Unless we’re at the gym, going for a mild jog, or taking a hip-hop class, put the tennis shoes away. Be a big boy. Diversify your wardrobe.
When women meet a man (if they’re smart) they look for the following:
1. Wedding ring
Go home, rent Crazy, Stupid, Love and let Ryan Gosling educate you in the art of style.
Just like men are always saying that a woman with resting bitch face is intimidating, a guy wearing a perma-prick face is a red flag.Smiling is an easy way to say to women, “Hey, I might be a serial killer or I might not, but don’t you wanna find out?”
Hold a puppy
Works every time.
Talk to me
Ladies, how many times have you been out, locked eyes with a beautiful stranger, and then NOTHING happens? Story of my life.
I get that making the first move is scary, trust me, I get rejected ALL the time – but 9/10, people are actually, surprisingly nice!
Take a chance and say, “Hello.” We want you to!
Put your phone away
Not only does being on your phone in public give you a double chin, but it signals to women that you’re mentally somewhere else and presumably talking to someone else who has a vagina. Give your undivided attention to whomever you’re with.
Unless that person is really boring. Then go on Instagram and look at kittens.
Welp, I think I’ve said enough for today. Now I’d like to hear from you!
What do you think a man can do to be more attractive to women?
You know how some women, mostly celebrities but whatever, say that when they reach a certain age they’re just like, “f*ck it”?
I think 27 is my certain age.
I’ve noticed lately my tongue is a lot sharper, my voice doesn’t quiver when I’m speaking in front of a group of people, and I’ve stopped wearing eyeliner. All of which, are surefire signs that zero f*cks are given on a daily basis.
Maybe I’m noticing it more because I’m around guys all day, everyday, but men are VERY quick to question women. I work with a great team of dudes, who try desperately to make me feel welcome, but I’ve noticed they don’t accept my answers as fact. If I say something, anything about my car, school or my relationship, there’s never a, “right on” or “good for you” that women so politely pepper into conversations. Instead, I get, “well did you think of….,” or “what about…” lots of “yeah but…” and my personal favourite, “But you have to think of it like this…”
Son, I don’t have to think of anything. If I wanted to, I could spend my entire day just thinking of what it would be like to live on an island with Bradley Cooper and the various ways I could use coconut milk as a personal lubricant.
I remember once I watched the award-wining documentary “E! True Hollywood Story: Mary Kate and Ashley” and the girls gave the best piece of advice I’ve ever heard, “No is a full sentence.”
Let me just snowball that into “Everything I say is a full sentence…unless I start choking midway through a sentence, kindly help me and then let me finish my thought.”
I don’t do double-talk. I say what I mean. Which gets me into a lot of trouble, but who cares. The point I’m trying to make here, gentlemen, is that when I stop talking, that wasn’t an invitation for you to cross-examine me.
I watch Law & Order. I listened to Serial. I know how this shit works. I speak, then you speak. We stick to small talk, smile at the coffee machine and go about our business.
Is it just me?
Is it because my voice makes me sound like a fifteen year old boy?
I’m sure there’s a way I could parlay this into a damsel in distress manipulate the dudes to get what I want type deal, but that’s way too much effort and frankly, I think that would crush my soul and have Gloria Steinem knocking on my door to take away my feminist badge.