marriage

The Bachelorette: Episode 1- Good Mojo 4 Jojo

The latest season of The Bachelorette premiered on Monday night, and although it was about two hours of carbon copy white dudes exiting a limo, it was worth watching just to see the previews for what looks like a crazy dramatic season!

I wont go into too much detail of what happened (this isn’t a recap, there are people being paid to write those elsewhere), but I will give you my thoughts, talk shit and swoon about yesterday’s fantastic premiere!

Let’s start with the belle of the ball:

Jojo

 

I’m a big fan of Jojo. I think she’s beautiful and charming and was really excited when she was named the next Bachelorette. I think Jojo and former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman are similar in that they’re both successful Southern women who drop “y’all” left right and center, with great hair and fake and bake tans, but unlike Andi, Jojo reads much softer and sweeter on camera.

Ok, let’s talk about the men.

Jordan

Jordan is already the front-runner of the season because he nabbed the first impression rose and is brother to NFL player Aaron Rodgers (who I refer to as Olivia Munn’s boyfriend). I’m not sold on Jordan, but he has thunder thighs and skinny jeans and in high school I would have eaten that shit up. Be careful, Jojo “Former Pro-Football” player is code word for “Unemployed Fame Seeker.”

Chad

Listen, I’m sure Chad’s mom thinks he’s great, but in actuality, Chad looks like he’s one injection of ‘roids away from committing a murder suicide (also his neck-beard looks like untamed bush) The temper on this one looks terrifying. The only thing that upsets me more than an angry, violent man, is a sales person who doesn’t know the importance of staying on brand. Seriously, Chad – you’re a real estate agent. Do you think this is good for your brand/sales/client base? Get it together. Read a book. No bueno, Chad. NO BUENO!

Luke

I legit burst out laughing when Luke stood against a barn looking like a Clint Eastwood impersonator at a roadhouse restaurant. Although he’s an army vet, he’s also an aspiring country singer. I’m already dreading the inevitable moment when he pulls out a six string and serenades Jojo with a song. It’s cringe worthy. I’ve dated some musicians in my time, and I would laugh whenever they tried to serenade me. Work on your craft…but in a sound proof room.

 

Brandon

The hipster is so far my personal favourite of the season. Have you read his Bachelorette bio? Swoon. Have you seen his Ethan Hawke Reality Bytes hair? That’s the dream. Apparently Brandon is actually a model (which I could overlook) but judging by his beaded bracelet and the fact that Jojo seems uninterested in circle scarfs and slam poetry, his days seem numbered.

This season looks dramatic as f*ck, and I’m so excited for glittery gowns, balyage highlights and testosterone fueled bitch fights.

Are you watching this season? Who are your favourites so far?

 

Happy (Not a) Mother’s Day!

I feel as though Mother’s Day is not only a time to give thanks to all the women in our lives who sacrifice for their progeny, but also a time for reflection.

As a single woman in her late twenties, my desire for children increases steadily with every new grey hair and heavy menstrual flow (seriously 9 months without a period sounds divine).

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Even though I hope to become a mother someday, I have to say, with each passing Mother’s Day, I breathe a huge sigh of relief that I’ve managed to go another 365 days without giving birth.

I’d like to thank God, first and foremost for not bestowing me with any gifts this year.

To the makers of the morning after pill/Plan B

Shit gets a little out of hand sometimes.  I’ll gladly endure three minutes of judgement from a pharmacist when purchasing your product if it means I can maintain a strong pelvic floor.

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To the men who insist on practicing safe sex

You’re all gems and someday (presumably after marriage) I hope you get to enjoy the wonders of unprotected sex to make oodles and oodles of babies.

To the Canadian government

Thank you for protecting my right to a safe and legal abortion. It’s good to know you’re there for me in case I ever have to make those tough decisions. So far so good.

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To Ryan Gosling movies and adult bedroom accessories

Thank you for making those lonely nights bearable. Without you, I would definitely be making some seriously big errors in judgement when times were tough.

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Lastly, I’d like to thank my own Mother, for constantly reminding me that being a mother means I would have to give up my obscene online shopping habit and after-work naps. I can think of no greater motivation to not get pregnant. That and you constantly saying to me, “Thank god you’re not someone’s mother,” really does the trick in closing this womb to the public.

Happy Not a Mother’s Day, everyone!

Bring on the mimosas!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*This post is purely for entertainment. Babies are a blessing, and for women everywhere who are struggling with infertility, I empathize with you on your difficult journey into motherhood. Have faith xo

 

 

 

 

I know what girls like: 9 Ways to appear more attractive to women

I would be lost without my Flipboard App.

Mostly because then I would have to actually talk to other people instead of looking busy on my phone.

I came across an article the other day that caught my eye, called 17 ways men can appear more attractive to women, published on the Business Insider website.  The article suggests choosing, “someone in your league,” and “wearing a new cologne,” to help attract the ladies.

Since I consider myself to hold a P.H.D in Sociology, Anthropology, Psychology and Cosmetology, I thought I would help a brother out and provide my own list of suggestions to help those with danglers get a P in a V this Valentine’s Day.

Shower. Seriously. 

You would think this would be common knowledge, but unfortunately, I have to put hygiene at the top of my list for ways to appear more attractive to women.

Please, for the love of God, shower at least once or twice a day. Preferably in the morning, before our dates, and after you leave the gym. This is what separates the boys from the men.

Attraction is about pheromones and don’t get me wrong, I love a little bit of man-musk but there’s a difference between “Hot guy with a hint of Irish Spring soap” and
“Hot Guy who I’ll never call again because he smells like aged cheddar.”

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If you REALLY want to make us weak in the knees, how’s about a spritz of cologne for the fancy occasions? Just a spritz. I shouldn’t be able to taste you when you walk by me.

Groom Thyself 

If I have to shave my legs, armpits, bikini area, tweeze my eyebrows, wax my upper lip, and unfortunately pluck a stray chin hair, you sure as shit have to at least match me in the level of grooming.

You think I do all this for fun? No. I do this so that you’ll have sex with me.

All bets are off if if  I get close to you and realize you’ve got one eyebrow, a mustache starting from your nostrils and back hair coming out of your shirt to wave hello to me.

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Quit focusing so much on shaving your man-brambles. Truth be told it’s kind of terrifying if you’re a complete Yeti and then from the waist down your penis has bangs and is looking at me. We don’t really care, because we don’t want to even SEE it. Seriously. A trim will suffice.

I don’t expect you to take off your shirt and all of a sudden be Channing Tatum, but gimme something. Show you care. That’s all I’m asking.

Change your sheets 

Men who do laundry are attractive. Men who voluntarily wash their sheets are husband material. I like to know that if we’re having adult sleepovers, I’m not rolling around in a month’s worth of your dead skin cells, your ejaculated children, or any other bodily fluid that isn’t the direct result of our wrestling match that day.

Change your sheets once a week. Every week. Seriously.

Wear dark wash jeans 

An independent study conducted by me noted that men who wear dark wash jeans are 100% more attractive than those wearing acid wash or classic light blue denim.

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Leave your sneakers at home 

Remember when you were in elementary school and you got a sick new pair of running shoes that you couldn’t wait to wear to school to show your friends? Yeah, well we aren’t in elementary school anymore. Unless we’re at the gym, going for a mild jog, or taking a hip-hop class, put the tennis shoes away. Be a big boy. Diversify your wardrobe.

When women meet a man (if they’re smart) they look for the following:

1. Wedding ring

3. Jeans

4. Shoes

Go home, rent Crazy, Stupid, Love and let Ryan Gosling educate you in the art of style.

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Smile 

Just like men are always saying that a woman with resting bitch face is intimidating, a guy wearing a perma-prick face is a red flag.Smiling is an easy way to say to women, “Hey, I might be a serial killer or I might not, but don’t you wanna find out?”

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Hold a puppy

Works every time.

Talk to me

Ladies, how many times have you been out, locked eyes with a beautiful stranger, and then NOTHING happens?  Story of my life.

I get that making the first move is scary, trust me, I get rejected ALL the time – but 9/10, people are actually, surprisingly nice!

Take a chance and say, “Hello.” We want you to!

 

Put your phone away 

Not only does being on your phone in public give you a double chin, but it signals to women that you’re mentally somewhere else and presumably talking to someone else who has a vagina. Give your undivided attention to whomever you’re with.

Unless that person is really boring. Then go on Instagram and look at kittens.

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Welp, I think I’ve said enough for today. Now I’d like to hear from you!

What do you think a man can do to be more attractive to women?

 

 

 

 

Let’s Discuss: Halle Berry and Gwen Stefani

This is kitchen table talk. It’s rainy and miserable for the second day in a row here in the GTA  (Greater Toronto Area) and I’m sipping a hot tea. Which means…. we need to talk trash about celebrities as if they’re our friends.

Halle Berry files for divorce from Olivier Martinez…

This is Halle’s THIRD divorce and second baby-daddy. She’s 49 years old. Personally I find her a little boring, and I can tell she’s been hurting for work lately because really, what was the last GOOD Halle Berry movie? Monster’s Ball? Did anyone even see Monster’s Ball or do you just know about it because she won the Oscar for it. Personally, I think her best work was BAPS (Black American Princesses), everything else is just a paycheck.

Halle Berry is gorgeous, but I feel like a real bitch because everyone’s like “Oh, how does she keep in such good shape?”

Really? Do some research. She’s diabetic. She has no choice but to leave chocolate alone. That’s just being smart.

Do you ever have that friend who’s really pretty and successful but for whatever reason, sucks at love?

I do. Her name’s Jennifer Lopez.

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These two are kind of on the same level here. Both have three divorces under their belt, both are successful in their own right, with two babies at home. I think there’s GOT to be something shady about Jennifer and Halle. They need therapy or Jesus, because whatever they’re doing relationship wise, just isn’t working.

I think Halle needs a break from men, and needs to focus on getting a job worth a Golden Globe or at LEAST an Emmy.

Priorities, girl.

Another girl we go way back with, Gwen Stefani, is making the rounds with shitty music about her divorce. Yes, I called it shitty. Because you know what? It’s shitty. It’s NOWHERE as good as “What You Waiting For” or “Cool”.

Gwen finalized her divorce from Gavin Rossdale this week and has been doing promo for The Voice with her co-stars on any and every talk show in the Western world.

Have you seen the video for  “Used To Love You”?

Painful. Cringe worthy.

She’s beautiful, offbeat and an icon for our times (No Doubt was everything to me back in the 90s), but she’s either got to hire better song writers or start hanging around Taylor Swift, because her new music is disappointing.

Gwen’s not… she’s just… she looks hungry. Maybe if the rumors of her and Blake Shelton hooking up are true he can get her to indulge in a rack of ribs or something. Let her roots grow in. Slam a few beers back.

She needs to mix it up because 2005 stuff isn’t working for 2015.

Girls. Take a break. Focus on work. Binge watch Gilmore Girls and have a wallow day.

Wow, I sound so mean these days. But I’m not, I swear I’m just so tired. Hence the tea, and smack talk.

Ok, what do you think?

Let’s discuss these newly single ladies. What should they do next? What shouldn’t they do? Who should they date?

SPILL!

My Best Friend’s Wedding

Kit and Jeff are married!

Marriage!

Vows!

Commitment!

Three things that usually send me into hives brought endless joy to my circle of friends on Saturday, September 5th when one of my best friends in the entire world tied the knot in an intimate, DIY, Pinterest-worthy wedding.

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The wedding was perfect but holy Hannah, it was hot. Like, a preview to my afterlife in Hell, hot (lounge chair for one by the pool, please, Satan!). It was 35C not including the humidity. For the Americans in the room that’s about 95F, with air so thick you could cut it like butter (yum, butter).

Every guest in attendance was in tears as they exchanged their vows under a beautiful tree in their backyard. Jeff was adorably emotional as he told Kit he knew she was the one, “when she used his favourite expletive on their first date at Montanas.”  She dropped the big see you next Tuesday on a first date. That’s my girl!

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We feasted on delicious food and drank ourselves silly (I blame the heat), not before guests played board games well into the night. Headbands after a few glasses of wine is my new favourite thing in the world. A late night Taco truck gave guests some much needed nosh to soak up the alcohol and send us to bed with full tummies.

I enjoyed every minute of Jeff and Kit’s big day. Even though I was stood up by my date (Damn you, Ben Affleck*) my mom was the perfect stand in.

Here are some pictures from the wedding!

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All love is a lie, but on the upside Ben Affleck is single

Methinks I’m still in shock from this news, but the newspaper man in me was urging me to get a jump on this story and fill your newsfeed with worthless chitchat.

Ok.

Deep breaths. In through the nose…Out through the mouth…

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have called it quits.

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I never thought I would live to see this day. I mean, you hope for the best and you stick it out as the only person in your group of friends to think Jersey Girl was a great movie, but man. Life, right?  What a ride. What a ride, indeed.

I’ve never hidden my infatuation with Ben Affleck. I’ve dedicated entire posts to photos of Ben just walkin’ up and down the street. Sure, there are those stories about his gambling addiction and his love of strippers, but who doesn’t like a good game a black jack and a nice slice of ass crack in their face every once and a while?  I’ll make excuses for his bad behavior so long as Fruit of the Loom makes tight cotton t-shirts for him to wear. Really, people. I’m pulling a Hillary and just standing by my man with complete ulterior motives to profit from his status.

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Girl talk & tea : Let’s distract ourselves

I was going to do a Friday countdown, but then I decided “No, let’s just talk about girl things without structure.”

I feel good about this decision.

Ok, first of all.  I have to say, that the 16 year old in me is freaking out about Benji Madden & Cameron Diaz being engaged. Not only because I intensely dislike when people of mismatched heights hook up/date/marry/stand next to one another, but because it’s Benji Madden. Good f*cking Charlotte!

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Blah blah blah be happy for people in love yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I don’t need to pretend here. This pairing makes no sense for 2014. 2003? Yes. 2014?  No. Ugh. What am I saying. I love when mismatchers get together. I love when people don’t understand love. I don’t get it, but I love that I don’t get it.

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Did you hear Selena Gomez lost her shit at T-Swift’s 25th birthday? I love it. I imagine she was drinking.

You’ve been this girl. I’ve been this girl. We’ve all been this girl. Sometimes I’m STILL this girl. *ahem* last Christmas. You’re out, celebrating with your friends, you get on your phone, see something on social media, have a little too much white wine and all of a sudden you’re crying in a bathroom. It happens. Shrug it off. You’re a young millionaire. You probably don’t have any STI’s yet, GO NUTS.

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What else…what else….

Britney’s Women’s Health Magazine!

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To be honest, I’m just glad it looks like Britney showered…on her own…without a nurse present. She looks the best I’ve seen her in years. That nose contouring? Flawless. I’m always envious because I feel like at certain times my nose looks like a penis, so I’m a huge fan of this look. (PS, If you’re ever bored and want to feel good about yourself, search #makeuptransformation or #beforeandafter on Instagram).

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I don’t want to talk shit about Brit, just because she’s a childhood staple, but I’m happy she’s looking coherent, lucid and healthy. Those hip tats, though. A reminder to us all that the tattoos we choose in our youth….are something we need to live with until we can afford to have them removed.

I used to go to the video store, rent Britney Spears concert DVD’s and do crunches in front of the television. Then things kind of went South for BritBrit and the whole time I kept thinking, “We will overcome! We will prevail!” and it’s taken…seven years but we finally did it! She’s back!