madonna

Madonna Needs Young Souls to Stay Alive (alternatively titled Madonna performs at Coachella with Drake)

The sun was shining this morning, I was singing along with the radio on the way to work when I heard it.

“Madonna makes out with Drake onstage at Coachella”

If you listen carefully, you can hear the sound of penis’s recoiling around the world.  Imagine a scared cartoon turtle putting his head back into his shell. Same idea.

I hope somebody gave Drake some Listerine and one of those thingy’s from Men In Black to wipe his memory. Poor thing. Come home to Toronto, Boops. You’ll be safe here.

I throw a lot of shade at Madonna, but whatever, she’s Madonna she can take it. That girl is tired. Tired and dry. I can appreciate what Madge did for pop music 30 years ago, but I’m disappointed that she’s resorted to her old bag of tricks and fishnets.

Give me your favourite Madonna song. Was it released after 1996? No. I didn’t think so.

For the past few years (or decade) Madonna has relied on her proximity to other stars to sell her music/brand: Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, MIA and Nicki Minaj, now Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift and Drake. We need a REASON to pay attention to her, because her music doesn’t cut it anymore. She’s piggybacking off of the artists we care about to get us to double tap, like or tune in. She needs them, more than they need her. It seems like artists are happy to oblige Madonna because she’s an icon.

Madonna’s searching for relevance when she could rely on her status as a trailblazer for women in pop.

I feel like Madonna is the only one not aware of the fact that watching her perform is like watching a drunk aunt at a wedding grab the microphone and start singing. We clap because we have to respect our elders. We cheer her on to see what else she’ll do.

Over it.

NEXT!

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Friday Five! Pop culture edition

TGIF.

Seriously. TGIF.

This week has been a doozy, but there are big changes coming my way, so I’m excited, a little stressed and a little panicky, but I’mma keep it together.

Ok, let’s share our favourite things, shall we?

1. Nightcrawler

Last night Matt and I watched Nightcrawler starring Jake Gyllenhaal.  Have you seen this movie? It’s creepy, but I’ll just say it, Jake’s half-up half down wide eyed obsessive self is still doing it for me. I’d still sign up for life for it. The boy’s gorgeous and talented. Some of my friends had mixed reviews of the movie, but I loved it.

We all know a Lou Bloom. I know one. You probably know one. Someone who’s kind of creepy and out of touch with reality, a little too ambitious and anti-social. Creeptastic.

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I highly recommend this movie. Four out of Five Libby’s.

2. Katy Perry & the Grammy’s.

Katy Perry needs a Grammy. Give the girl a Grammy, please. It was just announced Prism has been nominated for Pop Album of the Year against some pretty stiff competition (Ed Sheeran, Ariana Grande, Coldplay, Miley and Sam Smith).

Nobody does pop music like Katy. In my opinion, Teenage Dream was the ultimate pop album, but out of everyone nominated, Katy is the only person who really encapsulates all things pop.

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This photo shoot for Cosmo was one of my faves of all time. Slay with that green hair, girl. Slay!

 

Noticeably absent? Lady Gaga.

Poor Gaga. You’ll get ’em next year. Hopefully. Maybe.

3. Madonna for Versace

I love when brands make poor decisions. That sounds mean, but I just love when anyone makes a bad decision. It brings us all together in a communal pool of regret and humility. But really…

What the heck is going on in this photo?

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I get it, Madonna is Madonna and blah blah blah. I’m sorry, but not everything Madonna does is flawless. Like that picture. I sent it to my two best girls and asked them what the actual hell was going on.

One said it was the new promo poster for the Walking Dead.

The other said it was for the new Hobbit film : Smeagol’s Demise.

Does it even matter what Versace does anymore? Really, it’s a very small demographic of people that can afford Versace products aside from the eye glasses we get at the optometrist’s office. Wouldn’t it be better for celebs to front campaigns for stores like H&M, Aldo or ASOS? Lines people can actually afford?

Whatever, Versace. Whatever, Madge.

4. Wendy Williams

I’m one wig away from becoming Wendy Williams. I think she might be my biological mother. My sister always says I was adopted from New Guinea…maybe Wendy spent some time in New Guinea in 1987?

Who knows.

Do you watch Wendy? I like that she throws shade and is honest about celebrities. She dislikes the Kardashians and loves Mariah (ridiculous) but she’s got opinions and she ain’t afraid to share them!

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I love it. At work, I spend a lot of time doing data entry, so I like having something to listen to. I listen to Howard Stern interviews and Wendy Williams Hot Topics.

5. Patti Stanger

I’m not highbrow. I just said I love Wendy Williams. I’m one bucket of KFC away from a double wide and a fluorescent pair of crocs.

It’ll come as no surprise that  I love Millionaire Matchmaker. She’s feisty, she loves plastic surgery, and she loves giving unsolicited advice.

Sound like someone you know? Me. Minus the plastic surgery part (three more years, y’all).

Listen to this advice she gives J-Lo. “Don’t lead with the cooch” #priceless .
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(it’s long, but fun)