diet

Revenge is mine: Why I (finally) joined a gym

There are three things I fear:

  1. Tornadoes
  2. Unplanned pregnancies
  3. Working out in public

Geographically speaking, I don’t really have to worry about tornadoes because where I live they’re pretty rare, and there’s not a penis willing to have sex with me as far as the eye can see, but working out in public has been a legitimate fear of mine since puberty.

About two weeks ago, after realizing that both my ass and my heart look like they’ve been in a drive-by shooting, I decided that it was time to stop focusing on dating and get in shape.

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My Bachelor viewing squad all belong to the same gym, so I thought, what better way to fight your phobia of sweating profusely in public than by standing next to skinny beautiful bitches who will act as camouflage to the fact that you look like you’ve peed your workout tights? #BoxSweat

I’ll admit, part of my fear of joining a gym was because I didn’t know what to wear. I don’t own anything Lululemon based on principle, and I’ve heard how my male friends talk about girls they meet at the gym, so I’m assuming I’ll be judged by both sexes on my attire/body/hyperhidrosis.

It took serious calming down from my friend Sarah to get me to actually attend Saturday morning bootcamp, but I have to admit (and I hate myself for admitting this), it was actually the best decision I’ve made in a long time.

Sure, I should be happy that I’m getting in shape, moving more, blah blah blah getting healthier, but my love of the gym has taken a turn from “focusing on me” to a very dark place.

During my registration, I had a consultation with a trainer about my diet and fitness goals. The first question she asked was relatively simple, “What made you join a gym?”

Revenge.

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Do you know how satisfying it is to picture the face of the guy who ghosted you on a medicine ball as you slam it into the ground repeatedly?

I swear, if you didn’t know me, you would think I was Arya Stark, because I’m literally mumbling the names of everyone who I hate as I’m pushing 120lbs on a stupid sled across the floor… Jake, Alex, Geoffrey, The Hound.

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You should know that I’ve YET to run into an ex after a break-up, but I’m hoping all of that changes once I develop Michelle Obama arms and a thigh gap.

Yes, friends,  I’m building a revenge body because I internalize my feelings and have convinced myself that the reason I’m single is purely physical and not a all because of my personality, timing or circumstances outside of my control.

This is just the beginning of this journey of vengeance. I have 6 weddings to attend, and my trainer wrote them all down on a piece of paper to help motivate me into achieving my fitness goals.

What are those goals?

Revenge

Regret (on their part)

Rue-ing the day they met me. RUE IT.

 

I’m not crazy.

(Ok, maybe just a bit).

 

 

 

Girl talk & tea : Let’s distract ourselves

I was going to do a Friday countdown, but then I decided “No, let’s just talk about girl things without structure.”

I feel good about this decision.

Ok, first of all.  I have to say, that the 16 year old in me is freaking out about Benji Madden & Cameron Diaz being engaged. Not only because I intensely dislike when people of mismatched heights hook up/date/marry/stand next to one another, but because it’s Benji Madden. Good f*cking Charlotte!

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Blah blah blah be happy for people in love yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I don’t need to pretend here. This pairing makes no sense for 2014. 2003? Yes. 2014?  No. Ugh. What am I saying. I love when mismatchers get together. I love when people don’t understand love. I don’t get it, but I love that I don’t get it.

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Did you hear Selena Gomez lost her shit at T-Swift’s 25th birthday? I love it. I imagine she was drinking.

You’ve been this girl. I’ve been this girl. We’ve all been this girl. Sometimes I’m STILL this girl. *ahem* last Christmas. You’re out, celebrating with your friends, you get on your phone, see something on social media, have a little too much white wine and all of a sudden you’re crying in a bathroom. It happens. Shrug it off. You’re a young millionaire. You probably don’t have any STI’s yet, GO NUTS.

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What else…what else….

Britney’s Women’s Health Magazine!

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To be honest, I’m just glad it looks like Britney showered…on her own…without a nurse present. She looks the best I’ve seen her in years. That nose contouring? Flawless. I’m always envious because I feel like at certain times my nose looks like a penis, so I’m a huge fan of this look. (PS, If you’re ever bored and want to feel good about yourself, search #makeuptransformation or #beforeandafter on Instagram).

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I don’t want to talk shit about Brit, just because she’s a childhood staple, but I’m happy she’s looking coherent, lucid and healthy. Those hip tats, though. A reminder to us all that the tattoos we choose in our youth….are something we need to live with until we can afford to have them removed.

I used to go to the video store, rent Britney Spears concert DVD’s and do crunches in front of the television. Then things kind of went South for BritBrit and the whole time I kept thinking, “We will overcome! We will prevail!” and it’s taken…seven years but we finally did it! She’s back!

 

 

Why 2014 is a great time to be a female with a little junk in the trunk

*Get ready for some girl power feelings. You’ve been warned.

 

On my morning blog scan I read an article on US Weekly’s website with the headline, Demi Lovato: Kim Kardiashian “Revolutionized Our Generation’s View of What Beautiful Is.” At first I rolled my eyes. I read the article and I rolled my eyes again. Then I thought about how much body image and celebrity has changed since I was a teenager and I realized that Demi Lovato might actually be right.

Look, I love me some Kardashians. I’m on a first name basis when I talk about Kim, Khloe and Kourtney with my sister Marie. I even follow all of their makeup artists and hairstylists on Instagram (Jen Atkin I’m talking to you!). I get how some people don’t think the Kardashians are kool and that’s totally OK so I’m not here to convince you to drink the kool-aid. Is that too many K’s? K, I’ll stop.

I’m here to take you on a trip down memory lane. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, celebrities looked like this.

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I know what you’re thinking, “But Lib, half of these girls were doing drugs and lived on a steady diet of whiskey and their birth control pills!*”

Probably true, but these women were EVERYWHERE! They were the starlets! The A-list!

When I was young it didn’t matter HOW these women stayed so skinny. All I knew is that they were on every red carpet, every boy in high school said they were hot, and visible hip bones and pin thin legs were always in fashion.

Those were dark times. Like, fell asleep in the tanning bed dark.

Growing up as a Caucasian female, the only two women in Hollywood that defied the skinny Hollywood stereotypes were Jennifer Lopez and Beyoncé. It was great! Finally there were women with curves and a booty. However their bodies were always celebrated and coveted within another set of stereotypes for their ethnicities. I was being fed the idea that skinny was for white girls, curves were beautiful so long as you were Hispanic or African-American. It seemed like nobody could win. We each had standards to live up to no matter the colour of our skin. It was bullshit. I was a seventeen year old Irish-Italian girl without a thigh gap. Was I beautiful or not?

Fast forward to 2014. These are the women on the covers of magazines and starring in hit movies and TV shows.

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What do all of these women have in common?

No visible rib cage. They’re beautiful without a thigh gap.They make serious bank.

Want to know what’s awesome? I had to limit the number of images to include. There were so many women to choose from. I could have included Lena Dunham, Gabourey Sidibe,  Nicky Minaj, Christina Hendricks, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler… the list goes on and on!

Is all of this because of Kim Kardashian? No. Not at all. It’s because of women like you and me voicing our outrage over the limited definition of beauty represented in the media and demanding change. It’s because women have finally been recognized in Hollywood as being smart and funny and for that having more value than their measurements. It’s from you and me sharing our stories and our struggles and finally discovering that nobody and no body is perfect.

Even though the standards of beauty in our society and the representation of women in the media have changed, the struggle is far from over. For every size 12, 14 and 16 that we see on television there’s still 100 more size 0’s. There’s the 00 jean and the 000 jean. There’s still trolls online slamming the photos we share on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram forcing us to make our accounts private and block users.

What’s it going to take to win this war?

It’ll take you and me drowning out the noise, looking in the mirror and loving ourselves first. Then we pass that love along to one another by giving a compliment to a friend or a stranger.

And then what?  

And then we band together and do what Beyoncé told us to do and run the world.

It’s only a matter of time. 

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NOTE

* I would like to note that I’m purely speculating that these women were on drugs and that illegal substances caused their weight loss.

+ I’d also like to give a shout out to the naturally thin women of the world. You’re in this too, boo. Your body image issues are valid. I don’t want you to feel hated on because I love you and your naturally pin thin frame.