Dating is hard, y’all. It’s a jungle out there. I fully commend anyone looking for love (or something like love) for going online and downloading dating apps and putting themselves out there.
The latest season of The Bachelorette premiered on Monday night, and although it was about two hours of carbon copy white dudes exiting a limo, it was worth watching just to see the previews for what looks like a crazy dramatic season!
I wont go into too much detail of what happened (this isn’t a recap, there are people being paid to write those elsewhere), but I will give you my thoughts, talk shit and swoon about yesterday’s fantastic premiere!
Let’s start with the belle of the ball:
I’m a big fan of Jojo. I think she’s beautiful and charming and was really excited when she was named the next Bachelorette. I think Jojo and former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman are similar in that they’re both successful Southern women who drop “y’all” left right and center, with great hair and fake and bake tans, but unlike Andi, Jojo reads much softer and sweeter on camera.
Ok, let’s talk about the men.
Jordan is already the front-runner of the season because he nabbed the first impression rose and is brother to NFL player Aaron Rodgers (who I refer to as Olivia Munn’s boyfriend). I’m not sold on Jordan, but he has thunder thighs and skinny jeans and in high school I would have eaten that shit up. Be careful, Jojo “Former Pro-Football” player is code word for “Unemployed Fame Seeker.”
Listen, I’m sure Chad’s mom thinks he’s great, but in actuality, Chad looks like he’s one injection of ‘roids away from committing a murder suicide (also his neck-beard looks like untamed bush) The temper on this one looks terrifying. The only thing that upsets me more than an angry, violent man, is a sales person who doesn’t know the importance of staying on brand. Seriously, Chad – you’re a real estate agent. Do you think this is good for your brand/sales/client base? Get it together. Read a book. No bueno, Chad. NO BUENO!
I legit burst out laughing when Luke stood against a barn looking like a Clint Eastwood impersonator at a roadhouse restaurant. Although he’s an army vet, he’s also an aspiring country singer. I’m already dreading the inevitable moment when he pulls out a six string and serenades Jojo with a song. It’s cringe worthy. I’ve dated some musicians in my time, and I would laugh whenever they tried to serenade me. Work on your craft…but in a sound proof room.
The hipster is so far my personal favourite of the season. Have you read his Bachelorette bio? Swoon. Have you seen his Ethan Hawke Reality Bytes hair? That’s the dream. Apparently Brandon is actually a model (which I could overlook) but judging by his beaded bracelet and the fact that Jojo seems uninterested in circle scarfs and slam poetry, his days seem numbered.
This season looks dramatic as f*ck, and I’m so excited for glittery gowns, balyage highlights and testosterone fueled bitch fights.
Are you watching this season? Who are your favourites so far?
I would be lost without my Flipboard App.
Mostly because then I would have to actually talk to other people instead of looking busy on my phone.
I came across an article the other day that caught my eye, called 17 ways men can appear more attractive to women, published on the Business Insider website. The article suggests choosing, “someone in your league,” and “wearing a new cologne,” to help attract the ladies.
Since I consider myself to hold a P.H.D in Sociology, Anthropology, Psychology and Cosmetology, I thought I would help a brother out and provide my own list of suggestions to help those with danglers get a P in a V this Valentine’s Day.
You would think this would be common knowledge, but unfortunately, I have to put hygiene at the top of my list for ways to appear more attractive to women.
Please, for the love of God, shower at least once or twice a day. Preferably in the morning, before our dates, and after you leave the gym. This is what separates the boys from the men.
Attraction is about pheromones and don’t get me wrong, I love a little bit of man-musk but there’s a difference between “Hot guy with a hint of Irish Spring soap” and
“Hot Guy who I’ll never call again because he smells like aged cheddar.”
If you REALLY want to make us weak in the knees, how’s about a spritz of cologne for the fancy occasions? Just a spritz. I shouldn’t be able to taste you when you walk by me.
If I have to shave my legs, armpits, bikini area, tweeze my eyebrows, wax my upper lip, and unfortunately pluck a stray chin hair, you sure as shit have to at least match me in the level of grooming.
You think I do all this for fun? No. I do this so that you’ll have sex with me.
All bets are off if if I get close to you and realize you’ve got one eyebrow, a mustache starting from your nostrils and back hair coming out of your shirt to wave hello to me.
Quit focusing so much on shaving your man-brambles. Truth be told it’s kind of terrifying if you’re a complete Yeti and then from the waist down your penis has bangs and is looking at me. We don’t really care, because we don’t want to even SEE it. Seriously. A trim will suffice.
I don’t expect you to take off your shirt and all of a sudden be Channing Tatum, but gimme something. Show you care. That’s all I’m asking.
Change your sheets
Men who do laundry are attractive. Men who voluntarily wash their sheets are husband material. I like to know that if we’re having adult sleepovers, I’m not rolling around in a month’s worth of your dead skin cells, your ejaculated children, or any other bodily fluid that isn’t the direct result of our wrestling match that day.
Change your sheets once a week. Every week. Seriously.
Wear dark wash jeans
An independent study conducted by me noted that men who wear dark wash jeans are 100% more attractive than those wearing acid wash or classic light blue denim.
Leave your sneakers at home
Remember when you were in elementary school and you got a sick new pair of running shoes that you couldn’t wait to wear to school to show your friends? Yeah, well we aren’t in elementary school anymore. Unless we’re at the gym, going for a mild jog, or taking a hip-hop class, put the tennis shoes away. Be a big boy. Diversify your wardrobe.
When women meet a man (if they’re smart) they look for the following:
1. Wedding ring
Go home, rent Crazy, Stupid, Love and let Ryan Gosling educate you in the art of style.
Just like men are always saying that a woman with resting bitch face is intimidating, a guy wearing a perma-prick face is a red flag.Smiling is an easy way to say to women, “Hey, I might be a serial killer or I might not, but don’t you wanna find out?”
Hold a puppy
Works every time.
Talk to me
Ladies, how many times have you been out, locked eyes with a beautiful stranger, and then NOTHING happens? Story of my life.
I get that making the first move is scary, trust me, I get rejected ALL the time – but 9/10, people are actually, surprisingly nice!
Take a chance and say, “Hello.” We want you to!
Put your phone away
Not only does being on your phone in public give you a double chin, but it signals to women that you’re mentally somewhere else and presumably talking to someone else who has a vagina. Give your undivided attention to whomever you’re with.
Unless that person is really boring. Then go on Instagram and look at kittens.
Welp, I think I’ve said enough for today. Now I’d like to hear from you!
What do you think a man can do to be more attractive to women?
The Huffington Post recently published an article reminding women everywhere, that the grand romantic gestures that happen in movies, don’t always translate in real life.
The article spells it all out for you in the title, Romantic Comedies Teach Women That Stalking is a Compliment, with writer Chloe Angyal reminding us with ovaries, that unless it’s Ryan Gosling writing you a letter every day for a year, it’s just f*cking creepy.
This article assumed I have no concept of reality , which is sort of true, but made me surprisingly introspective of my own stalker-ish behaviors when it comes to dating. Don’t call the police (again), I’m not referring to Fatal Attraction level boil your bunny, “Why Don’t You Love Me,” type stuff. I’m talking about the little things we do online, to learn about and track the people we’re interested in.
When does it go from social media savvy, to stalking?
It’s fairly common to Facebook the object of your desire, or look them up on Instagram. When you meet someone new, and send the initial invitation to connect on social media, the friend request is the virtual acknowledgement of a burgeoning relationship of some kind; romantic, friendly, or other.
What you do next is what separates you from the rest of the pack.
Personally, I’ll admit that I’m an adorable creep.
When I connect with someone on social media, I unleash research skills that should have already peaked the Canadian government’s interest. I can find out where you went to school, where you work, what you like to do and I’ll begin piecing together an idea of your family, your previous relationships and your own level of social media comfort based on the effort you exhibit to cultivate your online image.
From there, I’ll search tagged photos to see who you socialize with the most versus who comments the most on your photos, rule out that frequent commenter as the friend you only talk to online, find out that your parents are divorced but you’re dad’s re-married to a nice woman named Sheila, Sheila has three kids from a previous relationship, you all seem to get along well and celebrate the holiday’s up North at your cottage, where you once broke your leg skiing . Of course I won’t admit to any of this and when we hang out casually ask whether or not you’ve ever broken a bone, if you like to ski, or if you have any brothers or sisters. I’ll feign surprise but correct you when you say you broke your leg in 2008.
It was 2007.
If I REALLY like you, I’ll see what events you’re attending and maybe, JUST MAYBE suggest to my friends that we attend, “Just because.”
If we’re chatting and you all of a sudden don’t respond, but two seconds later like a photo on Instagram, I’ll know you’re avoiding me. I’ll know, and do absolutely nothing about it because I refuse to double text, and instead will just sit here and watch what you’re liking online.
This is creepy, right?
Totally creepy, but slightly adorably because I’m just being extra cautious of stranger danger and vetting a potential match before I invest time and effort into getting to know them. Also, the fact that I have zero muscle tone and am inherently lazy automatically makes me a threat to nobody.
Ok. I exaggerated…slightly.
But what’s more likely to happen: Me doing all of this recon before a coffee date, or a man scaling a Ferris Wheel threatening to kill himself unless I go on a date with him?
Firstly, I’d commend his climbing abilities. It’s rare that people show any kind of initiative anymore. Secondly, the fair only comes to this neck of the woods once a year, so his window of opportunity is incredibly small, but I can online lurk 12 months a year, rain or shine, night or day.
I’m really not this weird.
Happy lurking, Y’all!
“All guys want a virgin. If you can get a girl that’s untouched, you marry her.” I was sitting with my guy friends sipping a mediocre cup of tea, listening to Marcus explain the Holy Grail of the fairer sex. “You want to be the only guy your girl has ever been with.”
I smiled. “That’s absolute bullshit.”
“Not at all, that’s the truth.” Marcus replied with confidence. “Nobody wants a girl with high mileage.”
I mentally ran through the list of “Must Haves” Marcus and Roman had imparted to me. According to them, the ideal woman had to cook, clean, want children, produce children, stay in some sort of physical shape after birthing the aforementioned children, but now she had to have a fully intact hymen, too?
You would think by now my blood would be boiling, but after nearly a year of exposure to conversations like this, I’ve become incredibly immune to their stupidity. I almost take pleasure in it. Like I said, it’s like watching apes in their natural habitat.
“Riddle me this,” I asked the table. “When you’re out and about hooking up with girls, are you thinking, ‘I’ve got to keep my mileage low for my future wife?'”
I was met with a tither of laughter from Marcus. “It’s a double standard, I know, but it’s true. I’m just being honest.”
“I wouldn’t want my future wife to have had sex with like, 20 people, or have been in several long term relationships.” Roman, the devout Catholic of the group added to no one in particular.
Is 20 a lot of people?
In our group, I’m the youngest at 28. Everyone else is in their mid 30’s, and aside from Ken, still single. If the average person has been sexually active from the age of …say…17, and hadn’t been in any serious or long-term relationships, was it unreasonable to believe that by the age of 30, said person was having sex with at least 2 people per year?*
WHAT ARE WE? MONKS?
Marcus decided to turn the tables on the conversation, “Would you ever have sex with a guy who told you he was a virgin? No, you probably wouldn’t. The double standard is real.”
Always needing a backstory, I pushed for more details. “Maybe, I said. Why is he a virgin? Is he waiting until marriage? Is this for religious reasons? Because if it is, that’s a hands-down no.”
“Why not?” asked Roman, the Pope’s representative in Canada.
“Because that would mean we have different beliefs and values. Why would I waste someone’s time if they were upfront with how they live their life? ”
Unsatisfied (just like my imaginary religious suitor), the guys shook their heads at my unwillingness to prove their point.
This was obviously a prime example of patriarchal thinking. Using the word ‘mileage’ to compare women to cars, something that can be acquired as a possession.
What confused me even more, was the idea that these guys were actively engaging with women who weren’t “wife material” but still expected their untouched, virginal spouse to be existing somewhere in the universe going about her day sewing buttons on clothing. Were they not just “ruining” these women for their future husbands?
Were they aware that they were talking to a woman who can’t cook, is on the fence about procreation and who most likely broke her hymen in a bike riding accident when she was a kid?
Listen folks, what I do, who I do, or who I don’t do is none of your GD business. I’m not judging anyone. Do you. Do him. Do the whole football team, I really don’t care. You should never feel bad about your sexuality and sexual history or lack thereof.
What do you think we can do to help rid the world of this kind of sexist, antiquated thinking? Is it too late for these guys? Do all men think this way?
Tell me what you think!
* Note: I have not had 20 partners but fingers crossed!
Last night was the 49th Annual Country Music Awards hosted by Brad Paisley and the songstress with hair as gold as the sun, Carrie Underwood.
The show was an enjoyable three hours, with performances from the biggest names in country music – oh, and Justin Timberlake was there, too.
I was going to do a recap of the awards show, but I’ll leave that for the legit news sources. Let’s just talk about the giant divorced elephant in the room: Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert.
I just have to compose myself. Okay. I think I can do this without crying.
Last night for the first time since their split, Blake and Miranda walked the same red carpet and took to the same stage performing their latest hits. Although Shelton and Lambert maintained that post split, they were determined to stay friends and keep things civil, Shelton threw a major curve ball into those plans. During the awards broadcast, it was confirmed by Gwen Stefani’s rep that she and Blake are indeed dating.
First of all, Blake: What the actual f*ck. Opposites attract, sure but you are literally, ten minutes out of a marriage, and you decide to go public with your co-star, who ALSO just got out of a marriage a hot second ago?
Blake was his jovial, fun loving self the entire night, but Miranda looked visibly less confident than we’ve seen her in the past. After her win for Female Vocalist of the Year, Lambert told the crowd that she, “Needed a bright spot this year” before quickly saying some thank-yous and leaving the stage.
It was #awkward, and the divorce of country’s biggest couple was the hot topic of the night on social media. It was kind of like being at an event or party with all of your friends and you’re just awkwardly watching every move the recently single Prom King and Queen are making, and you’re not quite sure whether you should take sides but after a few drinks you follow your friend to the bathroom and have a cry about what happened and you’re just doing the drunk girl, “He’s a jerk!” over and over.
Miranda, he’s a jerk for going public with his new girlfriend the first time you two are going to see each other. That’s a dick move, right there. The good news is, you’re young, hot as shit, and going to make him regret it.
Anyways, what else can we talk about. I’m already over the Blake and Gwen story. Yeah, yeah, be happy, do you and all that jazz but come on. Did you HAVE to take up with someone both you and your ex knew? You couldn’t go find someone new who’s like, a hair stylist?
I still love you, Blake. But, I’m going to have to go ovaries over bro-varies.
No surprise, Carrie Underwood was the best dressed of the night with her millions of wardrobe changes.
Eye candy was EVERYWHERE. Luke Bryan (swoon in them tight jeans) and Sam Hunt (we all know how I feel) were my top picks for Babes of the Ball.
Sam Hunt didn’t take home any awards, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t go home alone. Look at him. LOOK AT HIS FACE.
I’ll leave you with country stars reading mean tweets. It’s a pretty good giggle!
If you’re like me, you love a younger man (of consenting age, ladies).
They’re malleable, eager to learn, they have more energy, and don’t care if guys your own age consider you to be “bat shit crazy.” To them, psycho bitch behavior registers as “hot” or “spirited”.
Fresh on the scene of available young pups is Nick Jonas. It was announced today that the over-sexed, diabetic, six-pack-a-licious specimen and his girlfriend of two years, former beauty queen, Olivia Culpo, have called it quits.
Let’s take a moment to admire how ridiculously good looking these two were together.
Ok, I’m over it.
Sure, she has great brows and I’m sure she’s a lovely person, but it’s time for Nick Jonas to Tarzan straight into his next high profile relationship.
Who should he date next?
I’m glad you asked.
Here are my top 5 picks for Jonas’ next leading lady
1. Miley Cyrus
Wouldn’t it be great if these two youngin’s reunited almost 10 years after their whirlwind Disney romance? We all know Miley had it bad for Nick. She penned (or helped pen) the song “See You Again” after her awkward s-s-stutter around the young heartthrob. C’mon. She’s wild enough to shake things up for Jonas who looks as though he’s been making love for the past two years on satin sheets to an Enya soundtrack (she looks like that girl, right?).
Please make this happen.
2. Taylor Swift
Even though Swift is currently dating Calvin Harris, I would LOVE it if these two were at least pictured together holding hands at a club. With Joe Jonas watching. Scratch that – with Joe Jonas crying in a corner. Sure it would be a little gross considering Swift’s swapped spit with Nick’s older brother, but who cares? We’re all friends here, right? Ok, this one’s a little far fetched, but I tried it.
3. Hilary Duff
I’m keeping it in the Disney fam with this one. Hil’s fresh out of a divorce and has a small child. Nick is fresh out of a long term relationship and once WAS a small child. A soulful, sensitive guy with a hot body is just what Hilary needs to get back in the dating game. Even if it’s just for fun. They have a lot in common, having boy navigated the child-star world with minimal scandal, and both are more successful than their siblings. #sorrynotsorry
No hook-up list is complete without Riri. She looks like she could teach Nick a thing or two.
5. Jana Duggar
This pairing is to get Jana the f*ck out of Arkansas. They could bond over Christianity and then Jana has a ticket to Hollywood where she can wear pants and escape the weirdness that has become her family. Jana’s already a rebel. She’s 25 and not married. She looks at the camera with sort of a “Get me out of here” glaze and I think Nick would be the perfect knight in shining armor for our favourite Duggar sister.
Nick, wherever you are, dry your tears. It’s going to be OK. If for any reason you forego my recommendations, you are always welcome to come over for adult sleepovers and sing songs from Les Mis with me.
The answer is nothing.
This weekend went by way too fast. It’s been snowing non-stop today and all I’ve wanted to do is put on pj’s and marathon trash TV.
But enough of me whining, let’s catch up!
I spent my weekend dog/house sitting for my boss. I’ve been house sitting for the past few years for friends and family, but being left alone in your bosses house is next level terrifying.
I was in charge of three pups: Simon, Franny and Daisy. My boss was kind enough to give me a heads up about their anxiety problems, but convinced I live in a Disney-like world where I can befriend any animal as a trusty sidekick, I dismissed her fears with a swish of my hand.
After force feeding each of them pieces of hot dog and milk bones, I finally won over two of the three.
Franny, Simon and I bonded while watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Even though Guy Fieri makes me a little sick (I’m convinced he’s breaking 100 health violations every episode) we cuddled and waited for Matteo to arrive.
Now, I should explain that Matt is scared of meeting new dogs. A dog bit him in the face a few years ago leaving him with a Joaquin Phoenix cleft-pallet type scar on his upper lip. I like to mislead people and tell friends who haven’t met him yet that he was part of Operation Smile, but really he was just at a cottage, drinking some beers and misjudged a dog’s temperament. Poor guy.
Knowing all this, I was worried our evening babysitting was going to be a disaster. Literally two minutes after he walked in the door I found him on the couch with the babies like this
I would like to say I wasn’t jealous, but I was.
I decided to go find the hiding diva, Daisy and have a serious heart to heart about her anxiety issues. I sat outside her crate for about fifteen minutes telling her about myself (my favourite colour is black, if I had any superpower it would be mind control), petting her belly and apologizing for touching her teets on her belly even though we were technically strangers.
20 minutes later….
Now for a part of my weekend that all girlfriends will understand: UFC.
I always feel bad because I make Matt watch my shows all the time; the Mindy Project, New Girl, 19 Kids and Counting. I decided to hand over the remote and let him pick our entertainment for the evening. To my surprise he wanted to watch UFC.
I’ve never seen UFC, I’ve never understood UFC, but I have to admit after two rounds I was yelling at the TV, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE TO MAKE YOU THIS WAY! WHERE YOU AN ORPHAN RAISED ON THE STREETS STEALING BREAD LIKE ALADDIN FORCED TO PROTECT YOURSELF THROUGH ANCIENT CHINESE ART OF KARATE!?”
Seriously, what motivates someone to willingly get punched in the face? Why would anyone want to be tackled by a half naked man, intertwined with his sweaty body without at least getting dinner before hand and an orgasm at the end of the night?
I don’t understand, but I stayed awake to watch every. single. fight.
I’m hooked. I’m ashamed.
Despite fancying myself an intellectual and a pacifist, I have to say mob mentality or something took over when I was watching those fights and I was excited whenever someone drew blood.
I don’t think I want to give Matt the remote anymore. Next thing you know I’ll be wanting to watch Duck Dynasty and I’ll finally understand the rules of the NFL.
I don’t think I’d be able to stand it.
What did you do this weekend?
Have you ever been walking down the street on your way to work or to the market (I hear people say that all the time and it seems so fresh and youthful) and have been stopped by a handsome stranger who says, wait for it,…
“Hi, I know this is weird, but I just had to tell you, you might be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
That’s never happened to me. The closest thing I can think of is when I was driving on the highway at 2 am (it’s a long story) and looked over to see a middle aged man driving in what appeared to be a 1997 green Safari minivan, making sexually perverse hand gestures at me. I’m not going to lie, at first I was offended. Then I realized the situation and that I was crying in my car on the highway listening to a Glee soundtrack and I realized how wonderfully weird the whole thing was.
Where was I? Oh yes!
My friend Kristen is one of the most beautiful people I know. Not like, “inside and out” beautiful (although she is) I mean she’s aesthetically one of the most beautiful women I know. From the hair to the height to the legs and her style, she’s a head turner. Not lying. If I didn’t love her so much and she wasn’t one my oldest and best friends, I’d probably see a photo of her or see her at a bar and immediately hate her, because that’s the type of person I am. Anyways, wherever we go or wherever Kristen goes, someone stops her to flirt with her or just declare her the most beautiful person they’ve ever seen. Bless her heart, the girl is one of those people who has no idea how good looking she is, so she’s always shocked and very humble. Whenever this happens I’m watching from “that’s never happened to me” land and am always just in awe that these men, who aren’t even the crazy men pushing shopping carts preaching that the world is going to end type, have the courage to basically make every girl’s romantic comedy meet-cute dream come true.
This must be what being friends with Taylor Swift is like.
Today Kristen messaged me the following story that was too great not to share.
He said remiss.
The guy, the handsome stranger, used the word ‘remiss’ in his exchange.
Listen, I’m a very lucky lady. I have a boyfriend who tells me everyday that he thinks I’m beautiful and blah blah blah. But never, ever has someone approached me at a bar to try and pick me up. Seriously, never. I would love someone to just breeze by (I imagine this to be Benedict Cumberbatch wearing his Sherlock scarf) verbally delight me with outdated diction, hand me his business card and leave me sitting with my mouth agape.
Am I the only person who feels this way? Have I become like a neglected housewife starved for a little attention? Again, I’m a very happy girl and love my boyfriend to bits, but what is it about being admired by another person that boosts the ego?
Kristen has no plans to call the mystery man. I don’t blame her. I probably wouldn’t either. But it would be remiss not to pass on this story to women everywhere about the time a good looking man approached a good looking woman in ‘that’s never happened to me’ land.
This week my lovely boyfriend, Matt, traveled up North to visit his grandfather.While a majority of my family lives within a 50km radius, Matt’s family lives in Australia, Montreal and the ultra-glam Sault Ste. Marie.Since we’re always spending time with my family I’m excited that he’ll have seven days and nights to fish, go on hikes, dabble in archery and catch up with his Papa.
This means I’m sort of… kind of… pretending to be SINGLE.
Don’t get your gitch in a twist and alert the church elders. I’m not saying I’m putting on my freak-em dress and heading to the club. I love Matt very much and am finally at that stage in our relationship where I don’t have to shave my legs everyday and can send him on emergency tampon runs. Do you really think I would mess that up?
Each week Matt and I run our schedules past each other but not this week! This week I’m doing
whatever I want, going wherever I want and spending however long I want inspecting my pores in the mirror. You know, girl things. It’s going to be seven days of girls nights in (wine, gossip and candy) and girls nights out (wine, more gossip and candy runs at midnight).
This long weekend is going to be busy! Tomorrow I’m working a wedding as part of my internship with a wedding planner and event stylist in Burlington, travelling to Guelph to visit my niece, and then of course going to the concrete jungle of Toronto for some much needed catch up time with my best girls.
Even though I’m going to miss my guy terribly, we’ll be reunited next week and will be going to see Miranda Lambert at the Molson Amphitheater (my birthday gift from the boy).
Alright ladies, tell me what you think. What do you do when your partner’s away?