comedy

Revenge is mine: Why I (finally) joined a gym

There are three things I fear:

  1. Tornadoes
  2. Unplanned pregnancies
  3. Working out in public

Geographically speaking, I don’t really have to worry about tornadoes because where I live they’re pretty rare, and there’s not a penis willing to have sex with me as far as the eye can see, but working out in public has been a legitimate fear of mine since puberty.

About two weeks ago, after realizing that both my ass and my heart look like they’ve been in a drive-by shooting, I decided that it was time to stop focusing on dating and get in shape.

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My Bachelor viewing squad all belong to the same gym, so I thought, what better way to fight your phobia of sweating profusely in public than by standing next to skinny beautiful bitches who will act as camouflage to the fact that you look like you’ve peed your workout tights? #BoxSweat

I’ll admit, part of my fear of joining a gym was because I didn’t know what to wear. I don’t own anything Lululemon based on principle, and I’ve heard how my male friends talk about girls they meet at the gym, so I’m assuming I’ll be judged by both sexes on my attire/body/hyperhidrosis.

It took serious calming down from my friend Sarah to get me to actually attend Saturday morning bootcamp, but I have to admit (and I hate myself for admitting this), it was actually the best decision I’ve made in a long time.

Sure, I should be happy that I’m getting in shape, moving more, blah blah blah getting healthier, but my love of the gym has taken a turn from “focusing on me” to a very dark place.

During my registration, I had a consultation with a trainer about my diet and fitness goals. The first question she asked was relatively simple, “What made you join a gym?”

Revenge.

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Do you know how satisfying it is to picture the face of the guy who ghosted you on a medicine ball as you slam it into the ground repeatedly?

I swear, if you didn’t know me, you would think I was Arya Stark, because I’m literally mumbling the names of everyone who I hate as I’m pushing 120lbs on a stupid sled across the floor… Jake, Alex, Geoffrey, The Hound.

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You should know that I’ve YET to run into an ex after a break-up, but I’m hoping all of that changes once I develop Michelle Obama arms and a thigh gap.

Yes, friends,  I’m building a revenge body because I internalize my feelings and have convinced myself that the reason I’m single is purely physical and not a all because of my personality, timing or circumstances outside of my control.

This is just the beginning of this journey of vengeance. I have 6 weddings to attend, and my trainer wrote them all down on a piece of paper to help motivate me into achieving my fitness goals.

What are those goals?

Revenge

Regret (on their part)

Rue-ing the day they met me. RUE IT.

 

I’m not crazy.

(Ok, maybe just a bit).

 

 

 

CMA Awards & the Ex-factor

Last night was the 49th Annual Country Music Awards hosted by Brad Paisley and the songstress with hair as gold as the sun, Carrie Underwood.

The show was an enjoyable three hours, with performances from the biggest names in country music – oh, and Justin Timberlake was there, too.

I was going to do a recap of the awards show, but I’ll leave that for the legit news sources. Let’s just talk about the giant divorced elephant in the room: Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert.

I just have to compose myself. Okay. I think I can do this without crying.

Last night for the first time since their split, Blake and Miranda walked the same red carpet and took to the same stage performing their latest hits. Although Shelton and Lambert maintained that post split, they were determined to stay friends and keep things civil, Shelton threw a major curve ball into those plans. During the awards broadcast, it was confirmed by Gwen Stefani’s rep that she and Blake are indeed dating.

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First of all, Blake: What the actual f*ck. Opposites attract, sure but you are literally, ten minutes out of a marriage, and you decide to go public with your co-star, who ALSO just got out of a marriage a hot second ago?

Blake was his jovial, fun loving self the entire night, but Miranda looked visibly less confident than we’ve seen her in the past. After her win for Female Vocalist of the Year, Lambert told the crowd that she, “Needed a bright spot this year” before quickly saying some thank-yous and leaving the stage.

It was #awkward, and the divorce of country’s biggest couple was the hot topic of the night on social media. It was kind of like being at an event or party with all of your friends and you’re just awkwardly watching every move the recently single Prom King and Queen are making, and you’re not quite sure whether you should take sides but after a few drinks you follow your friend to the bathroom and have a cry about what happened and you’re just doing the drunk girl, “He’s a jerk!” over and over.

Miranda, he’s a jerk for going public with his new girlfriend the first time you two are going to see each other. That’s a dick move, right there. The good news is, you’re young, hot as shit, and going to make him regret it.

Ugh.

Anyways, what else can we talk about. I’m already over the Blake and Gwen story. Yeah, yeah, be happy, do you and all that jazz but come on. Did you HAVE to take up with someone both you and your ex knew? You couldn’t go find someone new who’s like, a hair stylist?

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Dick.

I still love you, Blake. But, I’m going to have to go ovaries over bro-varies.

Fashion:

No surprise, Carrie Underwood was the best dressed of the night with her millions of wardrobe changes.

Eye Candy:

Eye candy was EVERYWHERE. Luke Bryan (swoon in them tight jeans) and Sam Hunt (we all know how I feel) were my top picks for Babes of the Ball.

Sam Hunt didn’t take home any awards, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t go home alone. Look at him. LOOK AT HIS FACE.

I’ll leave you with country stars reading mean tweets. It’s a pretty good giggle!

Friday Five – Thanksgiving, American Horror Story, Gigi Hadid and more!

Happy Friday!

It was a short work week here in Canada due to last weekend being Thanksgiving!

I hope you Canuck’s got a chance to eat some yummy food, be with your loved ones and watch the Blue Jays kick serious baseball ass! Woo! One step closer to the World Series!

I’m not a huge sports fan but I’m a huge fan of athletes…amirite ladies?

Here’s what I’m loving about this week…

Thanksgiving!

We’ve had some health issues in our family recently (luckily my Grandpa’s on the mend), so this Thanksgiving there was no concrete plan for holiday dinners. I was lucky enough to be invited to Marie’s parent’s house for dinner, who have always made me feel like I’m one of their own.

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Marie’s Mom is an AMAZING cook. I always leave with a full belly and full heart, with her cooking reminding me of my Nani’s classic Italian recipes. Everything is full fat, butter and fried…it’s delicious!

American Horror Story: Hotel

Ok. So here’s where you’re going to think I’m a bit of a blasphemer. When I was a Religious Studies major in University without any spiritual ties, I decided to create my own personal Holy Trinity for shits and giggles. I’m half joking, half serious when I say, that my personal equivalent of the Holy Spirit is Lady Gaga – a colourful, ever changing, powerful life force …with fabulous wigs.

I’m now watching AHS: Hotel starring Gaga and although I’m not sold on this season, I am pleasantly surprised by Gaga’s acting chops. GIRL can sell being a vampire like it’s nobody’s business. Which…yes, is in direct opposition to the lightness that is everything heavenly, but still. It’s my theology and I’m sticking with my choice!

Are you watching American Horror Story?

It’s perfectly timed for Halloween. Check it out so we can chat!

Gigi Hadid in Elle Canada

I was in at the salon getting my roots colored, because I’m white already at 28, when I picked up the latest issue of Elle Canada with supermodel of the moment, Gigi Hadid, on the cover.

While my opinions on Ms. Hadid were that she was just a pretty face with rich parents and a  famous boyfriend. I must confess I was thoroughly impressed by her interview with the mag. Hadid is a PR superstar, knowing the value of building relationships with industry professionals and fans alike. It’s rare that you see a celebrity, a young celebrity at that, be a consummate professional.

If you’re looking for some brain and eye candy, check out the article here!

Carrie Underwood – Heartbeat

I’m always pushing Country music. Sorry, not sorry, y’all!

The second single from Underwood’s soon to be released album, Storyteller, features Sam Hunt’s vocals on the chorus.

Yup. That Sam Hunt. The one that makes my loins burst into flames like a head full of hairspray near an open flame.

The song is a typical country tune, about nights under the stars and slow dancing near a river, but it’s one you definitely need to check out!

Take a listen!


and finally…..

Angelina Jolie for Vogue

Remember that personal Holy Trinity I mentioned earlier? Here’s my walking, talking, raven haired, Jesus.

I adore Angelina Jolie for so many reasons besides her blessed bone structure. Jolie is open about her personal life, but not for the sake of entertainment. She shares her vulnerability to connect with others and uses her fame to bring attention to her humanitarian efforts. Hollywood’s most glamorous A-Lister is spends her time with the poorest of the poor, and she does it with grace.

Personally, I admire Jolie because she transitioned from this wild child to a humanitarian and mother. For me this has always been admirable because it reminds me that we are not our past, and we can become whatever or whoever it is we want to be!

Check out Angelina on the latest cover of Vogue, with photos featuring the entire Jolie-Pitt clan here!

Woman’s sex drive dies, Adam Levine’s baldness to blame

Breaking News:  Toronto, Ontario

A Canadian woman tragically lost her libido after a brief glance at Adam Levine’s bald head. This no longer sexual being is just one of many who are suffering in the wake of Levine’s latest look. The Maroon 5 singer debuted his peach fuzz Monday night on the hit NBC television show The Voice, cooling many loins in it’s wake.

“All I wanted to do was watch The Voice. I turned on my television, saw Adam Levine and all of a sudden I just went numb from the waist down. ” Elizabeth Regina, 28,  of Hamilton, Ontario told reporters during a press conference. “He had no hair. I close my eyes at night and I just keep seeing his forehead. It’s horrible.”

Friends of Elizabeth tried to frantically revive her libido by streaming music videos by Sam Hunt and Nick Jonas. After approximately 20 minutes without so much as a tingle in her lady pringle, she was taken to hospital where doctors  pronounced her libido as permanently deceased.

“Unfortunately, authorities received several calls of distress similar to Elizabeth’s before The Voice went to it’s first commercial break last night,” said Sue Jeffries, a representative from Hamilton General Hospital. “We weren’t equipped to handle the overflow of patients. We had to warn nurses and doctors not to Google Levine’s bald head as reference. We don’t know what would happen if our medical professionals suddenly became incapacitated as well.”

The Red Cross and FEMA are confirming, as many suspected, that the number of casualties is expected to measure in the hundreds of thousands by the end of today.

Dr. Brian Butler of  Johns Hopkins University, says the effects of Levine’s new look may have a long lasting impact around the world. “We’re facing a potentially global population problem,” writes Butler in an exclusive e-mail to Honestly, Libby. “If Adam Levine doesn’t grow back his hair, women everywhere might never want to have sex again.”

In a broadcast that interrupted Monday night’s episode of the voice, President Barack Obama urged Americans to remain calm. “We are a nation filled with hope. We will overcome. With patience and determination, we will wait until Adam Levine’s hair returns to it’s coal colored, disheveled splendor. Brighter days are ahead.”

Hollywood heavyweights Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel and Jason Statham have been designated by UNICEF as Goodwill ambassadors in light of yesterday’s outbreak. These bald headed celebrities will be visiting hospitals around the world to try to bring comfort to ailing victims.

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Willis: Bald is Beautiful source

“We just want them to know it’s possible to love someone who’s bald.” Willis told reporters. “Baldness can be attractive.”

Unfortunately, Elizabeth Regina and thousands like her, are finding it hard to remain positive. “I keep punching myself in my legs, hoping to feel something – anything. I’ve worn my tightest pants, and have been re-watching all five seasons of Game of Thrones, but there’s still nothing.”

Levine did not provide a response at press time. Honestly, Libby will continue to follow this story as it develops.

If you would like to donate to the Adam Levine Rogain Relief fund, visit http://www.folliclesofhope.com/AdamLevine

*Obviously these quotes are fake. But if you or someone you know has lost their libido, you're in my prayers.

Welcome to Me (and other movie talk)

Happy Monday!

I’ve been waiting all weekend to tell you about the movie Welcome to Me, starring Kristen Wiig and James Marsden. The quirky film about a bipolar/borderline woman who goes off her meds, wins $86 million, and decides to have her own “Oprah-like” talk-show one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time. Not since the movie Young Adult have I thought a film has accurately captured the mood of our social media/fame/self-obsessed generation (said as I type a post for my blog that serves no purpose but to entertain my friends and hopefully exercise my own neurotic energy).

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Kristen Wiig is a comedic genius (no shit, Libby) but with films like The Skeleton Twins and now Welcome to Me, Wiig’s really proving that her talents extend far beyond her SNL sketch comedy roots.

Spoiler alert: Wiig’s character is on a steady decline towards a psychotic break with her vulnerability and illness causing some cringe-worthy and sometimes familiar moments for anyone who’s lived with or knows someone with mental illness. Welcome to Me raises the ethical question of whether or not television, particularly reality television (which I love, obvi) exploits it’s subjects in the name of entertainment and whether there’s a moral obligation for networks, and audiences for that matter, to recognize when TV shows go too far (Bachelor crazies, Real Housewives arrests/rehabs, I’m talking to y’all).

I could go on and on about this movie, and I think somewhere here there’s a great thesis topic here, but I’ll digress because it’s too early and well, Monday.

In other movie talk!

I finally saw the movie Interstellar. By now everyone and their mother has probably seen this movie, but I’m late to the game (as always).
Anyone who knows me knows there are three things I despise learning about/paying attention to
1. Volcanoes
2. Dinosaurs
3. Space
If I hear any buzz words associated with any of these topics like, “lava” “Jurassic Park” or “Galaxy” my brain just shuts off.
This was a real detriment to me in school, because I would go into a catatonic state whenever we had to learn about these subjects.
The only reason I know all the planets in our solar system is because of Sailor Moon, and that’s the god’s honest truth.
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I watched Interstellar on the plane ride home from London and I actually enjoyed it! It’s typical Nolan and sort of trippy and beyond belief, but thumbs up to anyone who can convince me that Matthew McConaughey could be an astronaut!
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 What movies are you loving? Give me your recommendations!

Happy Fri-yay

Happy Friday, WordPressers!

Just eight more hours and then it’s an elastic-waist pant party!

I must admit, I’m incredibly jealous of my teacher friends who are on March Break next week. I’m even more jealous of one friend in particular *cough cough* Sarah *cough* who will be vacationing with her hubby in MEXICO for the next seven days.

Ugh! Take me with you! That wouldn’t be weird at all. We could tell everyone we’re Sister Wives and I’ll sleep outside like Mowgli from the Jungle Book.

That’s enough. I think I’ve made everyone awkward enough.

Here’s my Friday TWO! Normally I would post a Friday Five and share things that I’m loving, but this week my life has been stressful and exciting (more details later) so I can only think of TWO things to talk to you about.

1. Richard Madden

He looks like pocket sized perfection.

Google says Madden is 5″11, which is internet speak for 5″7, but Scottish Bae is so delish I’ll gladly enter in a relationship where we can swap jeans and climb on counters to reach objects on high shelves. GLADLY.

Plus, and I think some of you might disagree with me on this one…chest hair.

 

I love chest hair. I’m not into head to toe Wookie status, but I’m A-OK with a tease above a shirt collar. I’m like a cat pawing on a rug to get comfortable.

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It’s manly! It says, “Hey girl, I don’t conform to societal beauty standards for men, and I don’t think you should conform to any either. I like your day 2 leg stubble. Let’s cuddle.”

*lights cigarette, turns on Letterman*

2. Kathy Griffin

If you’re female and a fan of stand-up, which I am, you know that Griffin is the reigning Queen (RIP Joan Rivers).

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I was skeptical for Griffin to join Fashion Police, considering Fashion Police is balls, but I went along with it and trusted in Griffin’s judgment.  Sadly, not even a ginja-ninja could save that sinking ship, and Griffin announced her exit last night with this message.

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How bad-ass is that?

How ON BRAND is she?

Authentic. Hilarious. Boss babe.