beauty

Blogmas Day 17: Dear Santa or Satan, whoever gets this letter first…

Dear Santa,

Long time no talk. I hope you’re staying diabetes free, because it would be really hard to go down all those chimneys with prosthetic legs. Stay active, stay healthy, stay humble. That’s the motto.

2015 has been an off year.Nay, a year of personal development #perspective. I’m not interested in gifts this year, but I decided why not make a pretend wish list just for the sake of wishing?

Santa, as you know, I’m an olfactory driven female. Since I was a little sprout, I’ve been sensitive to smell, and it’s been a hindrance to many relationships.  This Christmas, please send bottles and bottles of Modern Muse by Estée Lauder for me…

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Just follow your nose!

…and Bleu De Chanel for any and every male I ever come into contact with. I’ll leave a bottle at my desk and just spray my coworkers if they get within 3 feet of me.  I’ll even spray it on my pillow or clothes so people think I’ve been getting some action. I don’t care. Just deliver this by the case load.

Bleu de Chanel – Woodsy, blended with citrus notes. I’ve literally recognized this scent on a stranger and smelled him in public. With my eyes closed.

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Speaking of men, Santa… Please send me 1 Sand Pit ticket to see Sam Hunt in Pittsburgh on July 2nd, 2016. As you know, the fates royally f*cked me this summer when that PYT on the train drank herself into a stupor and caused me (and countless others) to miss his entire set.

I’m not angry, Santa. I’m bound and determined for vengeance.

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I realize you aren’t God, but if you have any connections to God, or know someone who knows him in the realm of magic and make-believe, please tell him or her about my plight. I’m going to die someday, this might as well be my Make -A-Wish.

 

This next one might be a stretch, but if you could send me the ability to pull off dirty blonde or ‘bronde’ hair, I would be eternally grateful.

You see, Santa,  I’m just a basic bitch looking for a good hair cape, a good man, and an unlimited supply of mascara. I really feel like this ethnically ambiguous Pocahontas look of mine is so 2015.

Please work your magic and help me pull off this new look. Do it for the kids, Santa.

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Jessie James Decker, obvz.

I know I’m asking a lot Santa, but if you could also find a home for every stray animal on the planet, that would be great. I can house as many kittens as hygienically possible, just throw ’em on down my chimney and I’ll wake up to a pile of happiness.

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I’ll be sure to leave you some low-fat, low calorie alternatives this Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas, old fella!

xoxo

Lib

 

 

 

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Shield your eyes! Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is coming (and more Gwen and Blake)

Every year. Every GD year I dread the Victoria’s Secret fashion show and it’s big barrel curls and 14 inch rib cages. This year, the show should officially change it’s title to, “Taylor Swift’s Friends Walking” because that’s essentially all the show has become, just twenty of Taylor’s BFF’s giving #squad and #eatingdisorder goals for the masses.

Models, from left, Lily Aldrige, Karlie Kloss, Adriana Lima, Candice Swanepoel and Bahati Prinsloo walk the runway during the finale of the 2013 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at the 69th Regiment Armory on Wednesday, Nov. 13, 2013, in New York. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

Models, from left, Lily Aldrige, Karlie Kloss, Adriana Lima, Candice Swanepoel and Bahati Prinsloo walk the runway during the finale of the 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show at the 69th Regiment Armory on Wednesday, Nov. 13, 2013, in New York. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

Ok, OKAY. It’s not the model’s fault if young girls and let’s be real, grown women, internalize these images and let them feed the already gnawing belief that this is type of beauty is what results in love, success and acceptance. Models are genetically thin. Models use their bodies, their naturally thin bodies to make money. That is all.

I just wish, someone, ANYONE who was or is a Victoria’s Secret model would take a moment and think, “Man, nothing is going to change if we keep televising lingerie fashion shows.”

Because really – NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE IF WE KEEP TELEVISING LINGERIE FASHION SHOWS.

I give props to these girls for trying to spin VS into a positive experience, about female empowerment and supporting one another, but what about supporting the rest of the women in the world? What about saying, “This is super fucked up, but I’m making serious bank and you should know that I know it’s damaging to you.”

I would respect you more, if that were the case.

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Victoria’s Secret released a video about the auditioning process being “super emotional.”

You know what’s emotional? Me, trying to pick an outfit on a daily basis or accidentally catching a glimpse of my ass before I get in the shower.

That’s emotional.

These girls KNOW this will take their careers to the next level. They also know they’ll probably end up dating Leonardo Di Caprio.

Warped. This whole thing is messed up.  Anyways. Over it. Not going to watch.

NEXT

So, Blake and Gwen are a thing, officially.

We’ve talked about this before but I still can’t wrap my head around this couple. I’m sure there are other people wondering what’s going on. The only thing I can think of is that the sex is really good. Isn’t that always the case?

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If you can’t guess, this photo is from E!

I’m just hoping Blake can convince Gwen to eat a rack of ribs and put some meat on her bones.

Opposites attract, but this is like a Cat and a Dog having Pittens, or Kuppies.

Weird.

Zendaya’s retouching scandal unmasks a new monster…

I’ve got to admit, I only know who Zendaya is through Dancing With the Stars (old lady moment right there), but she’s been making headlines lately for being Taylor Swift’s bestie (one of them) and for speaking out about some retouched photos for Modeliste magazine.

The pop-star, asked the magazine to pull her cover story after the photo-shopped images of her began circulating online.

Look at some of the photos and then we’ll talk…

First of all, Zendaya’s a beautiful girl, no doubt about that. She’s stunning.

HOWEVER, isn’t this just a case of a shit photo-shop job getting attention for a no-name magazine?

Have you ever heard about Modeliste before right now? Honestly. I haven’t. I think she might have done them a FAVOUR by calling out their photo-editing skills online. There is literally nothing wrong with the original photos! Zendaya has the type of body people retouch to look like they have!

If the lighting and skin tone was an issue, slap on an Instagram filter and warm that right up. Valencia that shit! X-Pro II ! Nashville! Nobody ever uses Nashville!

(more…)

Struggles of a Canadian Halloween

It’s less than a week away!

On Halloween night, for one night only, the dead are free to walk among the living!

Oh, the excitement. I can feel it in the air. Candy is plentiful, unlike the North American supply of Nair as college girls everywhere prepare to strip down to their birthday suits all in the name of All Hallow’s Eve.

You go, slutty pumpkin! You do you, girl.

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Slut shaming aside, it’s important to remember the children of the North this October 31st. I’m talking about the millions of kids who every year have their freedom of choice for Halloween costumes stolen from them because of Northern October temperatures.

Growing up in Ontario, I know first hand that Halloween can be ruined by Mother Nature and that son-of-a-bitch who gives you raisins instead of chocolate (Oh, I haven’t forgotten you Mr. Kowalski, I never forget my enemies).

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When deciding what to be for Halloween, I had to factor a turtleneck and long johns into the decision making process. It wasn’t uncommon for my mother to buy me a costume two sizes too big to ensure my winter coat could fit underneath my witch’s dress.

To avoid having my costume ruined by weather appropriate clothing, I considered anything above 5 degrees Celsius to be “T-shirt weather” and have bravely come down with pneumonia all in the name of collecting what’s mine.

I gave a Meryl Streep worthy performance during the massive shit-fit I threw when my Mom insisted I wear gloves with my costume, or sweatpants under my princess dress. I had artistic integrity. I was a method actor on Oct. 31st. No princess would be caught dead in sweatpants!

We would compromise on three layers of pantyhose and I would confidently leave my house feeling like royalty, only to have the cold air hit me and immediately make me feel like I was going to pee my pants.

Ladies, back me up here. When you have to pee, pantyhose are like a tight hug from the devil himself. You can’t shimmy out of those things fast enough.

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1993 – She-Ra Princess of Power

I’ve gone Trick-or-Treating in the snow, and I’ve seen many people dressed as Santa Claus knocking on doors for candy, or children wearing balaclava’s dressed as bank robbers. Those kids were the lucky ones; their faces weren’t frozen to the point of facial paralysis. You know how many times I had snot dripping down my face as I smiled at a stranger’s door while Trick or Treating? Too many to count, that’s how many.

We toughed it out. We tasted the salty snot and we kept motoring.We persevered. When I see a kid at my door wearing a cute animal onesie as a costume, my first reaction is, obviously, “Aw,” but my next reaction is to tell them to buck-up, look alive, eat some snot. That’s why my immune system is so strong. Halloween snot. Then I give their parents a disapproving look, and tell them to hit the bricks. Come back when you’re ready to play with the big boys (and girls).

giphy (4) This Saturday, October 31st, it’s supposed to be 6 degrees Celsius. You know what that means, kids.

T-shirt weather.

Dress accordingly.

Friday Five – Thanksgiving, American Horror Story, Gigi Hadid and more!

Happy Friday!

It was a short work week here in Canada due to last weekend being Thanksgiving!

I hope you Canuck’s got a chance to eat some yummy food, be with your loved ones and watch the Blue Jays kick serious baseball ass! Woo! One step closer to the World Series!

I’m not a huge sports fan but I’m a huge fan of athletes…amirite ladies?

Here’s what I’m loving about this week…

Thanksgiving!

We’ve had some health issues in our family recently (luckily my Grandpa’s on the mend), so this Thanksgiving there was no concrete plan for holiday dinners. I was lucky enough to be invited to Marie’s parent’s house for dinner, who have always made me feel like I’m one of their own.

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Marie’s Mom is an AMAZING cook. I always leave with a full belly and full heart, with her cooking reminding me of my Nani’s classic Italian recipes. Everything is full fat, butter and fried…it’s delicious!

American Horror Story: Hotel

Ok. So here’s where you’re going to think I’m a bit of a blasphemer. When I was a Religious Studies major in University without any spiritual ties, I decided to create my own personal Holy Trinity for shits and giggles. I’m half joking, half serious when I say, that my personal equivalent of the Holy Spirit is Lady Gaga – a colourful, ever changing, powerful life force …with fabulous wigs.

I’m now watching AHS: Hotel starring Gaga and although I’m not sold on this season, I am pleasantly surprised by Gaga’s acting chops. GIRL can sell being a vampire like it’s nobody’s business. Which…yes, is in direct opposition to the lightness that is everything heavenly, but still. It’s my theology and I’m sticking with my choice!

Are you watching American Horror Story?

It’s perfectly timed for Halloween. Check it out so we can chat!

Gigi Hadid in Elle Canada

I was in at the salon getting my roots colored, because I’m white already at 28, when I picked up the latest issue of Elle Canada with supermodel of the moment, Gigi Hadid, on the cover.

While my opinions on Ms. Hadid were that she was just a pretty face with rich parents and a  famous boyfriend. I must confess I was thoroughly impressed by her interview with the mag. Hadid is a PR superstar, knowing the value of building relationships with industry professionals and fans alike. It’s rare that you see a celebrity, a young celebrity at that, be a consummate professional.

If you’re looking for some brain and eye candy, check out the article here!

Carrie Underwood – Heartbeat

I’m always pushing Country music. Sorry, not sorry, y’all!

The second single from Underwood’s soon to be released album, Storyteller, features Sam Hunt’s vocals on the chorus.

Yup. That Sam Hunt. The one that makes my loins burst into flames like a head full of hairspray near an open flame.

The song is a typical country tune, about nights under the stars and slow dancing near a river, but it’s one you definitely need to check out!

Take a listen!


and finally…..

Angelina Jolie for Vogue

Remember that personal Holy Trinity I mentioned earlier? Here’s my walking, talking, raven haired, Jesus.

I adore Angelina Jolie for so many reasons besides her blessed bone structure. Jolie is open about her personal life, but not for the sake of entertainment. She shares her vulnerability to connect with others and uses her fame to bring attention to her humanitarian efforts. Hollywood’s most glamorous A-Lister is spends her time with the poorest of the poor, and she does it with grace.

Personally, I admire Jolie because she transitioned from this wild child to a humanitarian and mother. For me this has always been admirable because it reminds me that we are not our past, and we can become whatever or whoever it is we want to be!

Check out Angelina on the latest cover of Vogue, with photos featuring the entire Jolie-Pitt clan here!

Bad touch: Why Lululemon’s new fit is giving me all kinds of the wiggins

Let’s start this post by getting one thing out of the way:

I don’t own anything by Lululemon, nor do I participate in extracurricular activities that would warrant me to spend an obscene amount of money on active wear.

It’s overpriced and it’s against everything I believe in (physical health and fitness) .

That being said…

I stumbled across a post on Jezebel today about a new line of clothing by the yoga inspired brand, called Sensation Innovation. The line of active wear is intended to offer you a different fit of clothing, ranging from tight, naked, relaxed, held-in, and finally the one that creeps me out the most, hugged.

That’s right, hugged.  The brand’s website says,

We engineer our Hugged Sensation to feel like a comfortable embrace from a close friend. These classic styles provide a consistent compression experience throughout a range of tight-fitting silhouettes to keep you feeling poised and balanced throughout your workout (and, let’s be real, your day).

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The absolute best part is the fact they stipulated that the hug was from a close friend.

Not a bear hug from a frat boy

Not a bad touch from a hands-y uncle

Not a one-two-three- pat on the back from a friend with intimacy issues

Not even a limp-noodle hug or side hug from one of the Duggars.

Nope, you slip these pants on and you’ll automatically feel like your best friend is hugging your ass, keeping it up and tight and like it had a shoulder to cry on, if asses could cry (which they might after a night of chicken vindaloo).

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HOW IS THIS A THING?!?!

Personally, there are two types clothing I wear: I like my pants to cut off the circulation to my lower limbs and keep my cheese hidden from the world and I like my tops to hide my inevitable food baby after I take so much as a sip of tea.

That’s it. Flowy tops, skinny pants.  I’ve never thought about wanting to feel like my midsection or leggings are giving me a friendly, supportive squeeze or wanted to feel like I’m not wearing clothes at all.

Always clothes, ok?

Is this what happens when you take up yoga? You automatically have a ridiculously large expendable income on friendly pat on the back pants?

Do you own anything by Lululemon?

Tell me what you think. Is it just me being weirded out by the wording, or are you getting the wiggins as well?

Let’s Discuss: Emmy fashion!

The Emmy’s!

Does anyone even watch awards shows anymore? I don’t. I live for red carpets and die a small death when it comes to awards shows. If it’s not hosted by Tina or Amy, GTFO.

That being said, let’s start our week off right: With some pretty dresses!

The scale: I’m judging based on vodka soda’s. This is my go-to drink otherwise known as a “Skinny Bitch”.

The BEST dressed of the night will get the holy grail of 5 Vodka Soda’s out of 5. That’s as many drinks it takes for me to think I’m Kim Kardashian.

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Here we go!

Here are my picks for best dressed on the Emmy red carpet:

Naomi Watts wearing Dior Haute Couture

Oh, Naomi. It’s so true about wanting what you can’t have. Even though I’m an olive skinned Mowgli Jungle Book lookalike, I go nuts over fair haired light skinned beauties like Naomi Watts. Her Dior looked fresh, pretty and glamorous amongst the dark hues and the long dresses on the red carpet.

I love, love, love the length of this dress. It’s youthful and weather appropriate (I see you, California temperatures).

Naomi loses points for her messy hair. I would have loved to have seen her hair down or slicked back. Never tendrils. Never.

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Lady Gaga wearing Brandon Maxwell

I measure my life in black dresses, which is why I was losing my shit when Gaga appeared on the red carpet looking like a bona fide movie star (among TV stars). I also love that Gaga wore a dress designed by her real life BFF, Brandon Maxwell. If you’re an Instagram stalker and you legit think that Gaga’s your best friend (like I do) then you know last week the singer played assistant to her friend during New York Fashion Week, working behind the scenes to make his show a success.

I love that Gaga’s keeping it simple with the hair and make-up, but I’m taking one Vodka Soda away because I would have loved a really great bracelet or just a little more bling.

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Taylor Schilling wearing Stella McCartney

I may loathe Piper on Orange is the New Black, but I adore Taylor Schilling on the red carpet. Yellow seemed to be a popular colour last night, but in my humble/basic bitch opinion, nobody wore it better than Taylor!

The hair, the lip, the interesting neckline? I’m foaming at the mouth.

I’m taking away half a vodka soda because I want the dress to be a smidgeon longer, but I’m giving her look 4.5 vodka soda’s out of 5.

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Kerry Washington wearing Marc Jacobs

I am not mad at this sexy Joan of Arc look she’s serving on the red carpet. I love the length, that it’s not overly feminine and that it’s got a 3/4 sleeve. Y’all know I LOVE A 3/4 SLEEVE! Kerry stood out in a sea of floor length gowns (or not so floor length, amirite Taylor?)

I’m giving Kerry 5/5 Vodka Sodas! We have a Winner!

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Those are my picks for the Best Dressed! Who were you loving?

Tell me in the comments below!

Cheers!

Friday Five – Ed Sheeran, Zara & More!

The end of another week!

This weekend will be jam-packed, I’m bracing myself for the chaos. Between weddings, bridal showers and birthdays…*sigh*, it’s going to be crazy.

1. I’ve been scrambling trying to figure out what to wear to all of these events. A few years ago, it was rare that I was invited to a wedding. For the past two years, I’ve been to approximately 15 weddings…with five more this summer! It can be incredibly expensive, but I don’t always want to repeat dresses (although I totally do, thanks Kate Middleton for making that cool).

I came across this site, Chicwish, which has some pretty adorable/wedding appropriate dresses that won’t break the bank!

This is one I’ve got my eye on for a backyard wedding later this summer. I love that it’s romantic, floral and can either be dressed up or down. Click here to learn more about the Lullaby Maxi.

Capture Chic wish

Lullaby Maxi – Chicwish

2. This week Zara began it’s annual summer sale. Since I’m pretty stocked up on my summer basics, I decided to treat my niece Evie to some new summer threads.

How cute is this jumpsuit? I don’t even care that Evie’s parents are going to have to completely undress her to change her diaper. When an outfit is this cute, it’s worth the hassle!

3. Carli Bybel

Alright. This is a big one. This girl is basically the Queen of the YouTube beauty world. Her make-up tutorials get hundreds of thousands of hits and she’s got over 3 million followers on Instagram between her make-up and fashion accounts. If I didn’t love this girl…I would hate her because she’s so beautiful. Like, stunningly, disgustingly beautiful.

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If you want to learn how to perfect your make-up technique I suggest you check her out her YouTube page!

4. Ed Sheeran

Oh Mama Mia.

My loins are on fire from this Ginger Bear. My number one celebrity crush is Ed Sheeran.

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*fanning myself*

Boy knows how to write a love song, likes to drink, and looks like a good time. What more can you want?

I’ve had Photograph on repeat for weeks, and his music video made me cry. Actually. There were tears.

5.  Power of Make-Up

I JUST came across this video this morning and I think it’s pretty powerful – considering I just told you to check out a beauty vlogger! Play! Let’s all play! Note to self, I need to learn to contour. I think it will save me a lot of money on therapy and nose jobs.

Let’s Discuss: Kylie Jenner

While most seventeen year olds are getting dolled up for prom and graduation, KyJy is walking international red carpets in outfits that cost more than my car.Yesterday, Kylie Jenner walked the Cannes Lions Festival with her rapper (and much older boyfriend) Tyga, her mother, Kris, and her mother’s no-name boyfriend.

Let’s discuss…

Ok. I’m going to go easy because Kylie’s still a minor and I don’t throw shade at those who can’t vote, unless your kid’s a real asshole, then I’ll tell you straight up that your kid is an asshole.

I think this is the BEST Kylie’s ever looked.

Make-up – Perfect

Extensions- Perfect

Body – Perfect (but what body isn’t perfect at seventeen?)

Expression – Not completely constipated, but not fearful for her safety

I give kudos to anyone who tries the nude dress trend, or the visible granny panties look. Personally I’m too afraid of visible lip line to give it a whirl, but I’m sure the Kardashian/Jenner family has enough money that they can buy bullet proof briefs to prevent a wardrobe malfunction.

Don’t they look like one big happy group?

Kris seems like she would be a blast to hang with. I know she likes her wine. Come hang with me, mama Kris and we can talk shit about people.

This is Kylie’s first red carpet appearance with her boyfriend Tyga whose face tattoos indicate that he is not someone I should write bad things about. So, moving on!

Real talk –

It’s got to be tough to be Kylie Jenner (sometimes). Her sister Kendall has a successful career that we can at least attach a title to, Kim’s busy being Kim, her mom’s busy trying to be Kim, and her family’s in a big transition now that her parents are legally divorced and her father is navigating the world as a woman.

I’m no child psychologist, but I don’t think all the money in the world or enough followers on Instagram could make all the attention her family receives for its ups and downs easy to deal with.

What do you think?

Maybe when things get a little hectic and crazy you’ve just got to pull yourself together and put on a cute dress.

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#UnbeWeaveable

J-Lo was photographed yesterday with “a short new hairdo.”

Ah-no.

J-Lo was photographed yesterday without her extensions/weave.

Personally, I was excited to see JLO rocking the Rachel circa 1994, because my hair envy is real. Having not been blessed with thick hair, I jumped on the hair-cape band wagon years ago…10 years ago to be exact.

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I used to wear extensions (just the clip-ins) daily for volume and length, but finally made the decision about…oh… a year ago to embrace my natural length and texture and try to make my hair as healthy as possible (not washing everyday, minimal heat styling, masques and argan oil). I still miss scaring people at the end of the day when I take out half of my hair and leave it lying around like a sleeping black cat, but it’s nice to not worry if my tracks are showing, or if that stray extension you see on the bathroom floor of a club is yours (ratchet!). Believe you me, I still whip out my Bellami’s whenever I’ve got a special event just to give me a little added oomph, but for the most part, I’m au natural with an excessive amount of back-combing.

GUARANTEED in the next few days we’ll be seeing Jennifer looking like her JLO self with her big after-sex hair. Men will probably be confused, “How did her hair grow so fast?” But the rest of us will know that she’s essentially wearing her fortune like a lion’s mane for all of us to see.

Do you dabble in the extension world? If so, what’s your favourite go-to brand?

I’ve tried almost all of them. From the Raquel Welch collection, to the beauty supply brand where I’m sitting in my basement for five hours sewing them together.

Like I said, I’m a Bellami girl myself (thanks to Carli Bybel) but I’m not a loyal hoe – I’ll try anything!