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2016 So far: Where I was when I wasn’t here

Happy 2016!

I’m a little late to the party, but I took a much needed break from blogging. Blogmas was a son-of-a-bitch. Seriously. Blogging every single day?

For free?

I dislike doing anything for free. I literally look for incentives in everything I do. My friends know this and have Diet Pepsi chilling in their fridge whenever I come over, because they know how much I loathe pants and would much rather be sleeping than run a brush through my hair and interact with people.

Anyways, I overdid it with the blog posts and fell out of love with the WordPress world, but I’m refreshed, have some new stories and am ready to get back to embarrassing my mother with my posts.

I’ve been quite the little gypsy this month, spending most of my time in a train, plane or automobile travelling for work and pleasure. I’ve been going non-stop, have barely had time to cuddle my cat (which you know upsets me tremendously), but things are FINALLY slowing down, and I’ll be able to reconnect with you good people of the internet, and of course myself… and my cat.

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Here’s what you should know right now…

I think I must have had a spiritual stroke, or been touched by the Holy Ghost because I’ve legit become like a walking Pinterest inspiration board. I’ve caught myself saying shit like, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all” and “Everything happens for a reason,” and “I’m open to the possibilities of love.”

I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I was hoping that if I ever had some kind of medical issue it would be the fun strokes where you wake up with like, a Pakistani accent but you’re still a white girl from the suburbs. I never thought I would become this monster who can self soothe and rationalize with Christian Broadcast television-like values. It’s quite disturbing, and yet, healthy? I don’t know. I haven’t had a session with my therapist in almost two months, so this is either a huge breakthrough or the calm before a storm and I’m going to be shaving my head and attacking cars with umbrellas in a hot minute.

I’m still single. YAS, Queen. Single and accepting it, thank you very much!

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It’s really not that bad. I’ve only cried twice this month, and both times were right before a cycle started so, I consider that progress.

I’m still living a carb-centric lifestyle, but I’ve been using the My Fitness Pal app to guilt me into healthier choices. I’m basic, but trying to get healthy because it’s a new year is just TOO basic. I’ll get healthy, in like, March – when my first wedding of the year is a month away and I need to shove myself into a dress. I’ve been receiving Save the Date cards in the mail and have already begun financially planning for wedding season. I’ve decided that this year, instead of being thrifty and recycling dresses, I’m just going to go balls to the wall and use every event as an excuse for a fashion show and a new profile pic.

Other than that, I’m essentially just living for Monday nights when I can watch the Bachelor with my girlfriends, have been on some serious Netflix binges because it’s too cold to do anything else, and I’ve been planning new adventures for 2016 because it’s cold as fuck and I need an Eat, Pray , Love STAT.

 

That’s really it for me, kids.

What about you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I’ve missed you, please love me!

I’ve missed you terribly.

I’m coming back. After Blogmas nearly fried my brain with daily posts, I decided to treat myself to a nice little break this month.

I tried the whole, “Live your life! Disconnect with technology! Live like it’s 1993!”

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Yeah…

It didn’t really work out.

Did you think I would miss an opportunity to talk shit about Valentines Day and the opposite sex?

Heck no. I’ve just been gathering new material.

I’ll be back February 1st with even more oversharing.

Shit’s going to get real.

xoxoxo

Blogmas Day 18: When the dog bites, when the bee stings…

When I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favourite things and then I don’t feel… SOOOO  baaaaad!

Ah… You’re going to have that song in your head all day now. You’re welcome.

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The Sound of Music. I have no idea why I associate this movie with Christmas, but I do… it must be the mountains…or the nuns. Definitely the nuns.  Anyways! I came across this Christmas tag and thought it would be a cute little way to kick off this weekend. I’m going to be running around like a maniac, but I’ll be sure to tell you all about it on Monday!

What are your Favourite Christmas colors?

Truth time. I’m a Red/Green/Gold kind of girl. Strictly the classics. Anyone who uses blue at Christmas can GTFO.  I’m kind of convinced I have some form of synesthesia, because there are certain colours that make me physically sick or angry and blue is one of them.

Blue decorations? Blue and silver? Pukes.

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PJ’s or fancy dress of Christmas day?

Answer: Fancy PJ’s. Ever since puberty I’ve had to wear the nice jammier-jams and a bra, because Christmas morning, you never know who could show up early and you don’t want to be national geographic with your nips frowning at your family while you’re opening presents.

Presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

Christmas morning. Now, it’s more like mid to late morning. If it were up to me it would be Christmas afternoon.

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Stay home or go away? Stay home.

I’ve never been away for Christmas, but I wouldn’t rule it out! I like the routine of visiting family on the holidays. Unfortunately, aging relatives and family members not on speaking terms is complicating the issue, but my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day should be booked with nieces and my li’l oldies from morning to night!

Favourite part of the Christmas meal?

The part where I get to leave the dishes on the table and go lay like a blob in front of the TV.

Favourite Holiday treat?

Sugar cookies. Specifically, sugar cookie dough.

Dream Christmas Location?

I would love to spend Christmas in London and recite Love, Actually quotes to strangers and have them be all, “F*cking Americans.” Alternatively, I think Christmas in a tropical location would be delightful. Nothing says Merry Christmas like sand in your crevices!

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Pro-present wrapper?

Everyone gets bags.

Favourite Reindeer?

Prancer!

Favourite Cracker Toy?

Any jewelry. It’s my version of getting engaged on Christmas.

Favourite Christmas Decoration?

I love my Peter Pan ornament. Gotta love Peter.

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Can you name all of the Reindeer?

Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Prancer, Blitzen, Cupid, Comet …um.. Hank? Sally Anne?

Weirdest gift you ever got?

Nani, My Italian grandmother, used to gift us grand kids angel figurines every year, and one year her eye sight was so poor she bought me  a figurine meant for a loved one who has died, and I thought she was telling me something and burst into tears. Christmas, RUINED.

Favourite Christmas Memory?

Baking sugar cookies with my Nani. I can’t cook or bake to save my life, but every year I put on my apron and baked with her. Love that old broad, even though she heckles my skills.

Favourite Christmas Carol?

Any version of Baby, It’s Cold Outside makes me immeasurably happy. Also, any version of O! Holy Night, will put the fear of God in me and take me from 0 to Catholic, real quick.

Favourite Christmas Movie?

Home Alone, forever. Never Home Alone 2. NEVER.
Special shout out to It’s A Wonderful Life and Little Women. Beth dying just gets me feeling festive.

 

 

 

Struggles of a Canadian Halloween

It’s less than a week away!

On Halloween night, for one night only, the dead are free to walk among the living!

Oh, the excitement. I can feel it in the air. Candy is plentiful, unlike the North American supply of Nair as college girls everywhere prepare to strip down to their birthday suits all in the name of All Hallow’s Eve.

You go, slutty pumpkin! You do you, girl.

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Slut shaming aside, it’s important to remember the children of the North this October 31st. I’m talking about the millions of kids who every year have their freedom of choice for Halloween costumes stolen from them because of Northern October temperatures.

Growing up in Ontario, I know first hand that Halloween can be ruined by Mother Nature and that son-of-a-bitch who gives you raisins instead of chocolate (Oh, I haven’t forgotten you Mr. Kowalski, I never forget my enemies).

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When deciding what to be for Halloween, I had to factor a turtleneck and long johns into the decision making process. It wasn’t uncommon for my mother to buy me a costume two sizes too big to ensure my winter coat could fit underneath my witch’s dress.

To avoid having my costume ruined by weather appropriate clothing, I considered anything above 5 degrees Celsius to be “T-shirt weather” and have bravely come down with pneumonia all in the name of collecting what’s mine.

I gave a Meryl Streep worthy performance during the massive shit-fit I threw when my Mom insisted I wear gloves with my costume, or sweatpants under my princess dress. I had artistic integrity. I was a method actor on Oct. 31st. No princess would be caught dead in sweatpants!

We would compromise on three layers of pantyhose and I would confidently leave my house feeling like royalty, only to have the cold air hit me and immediately make me feel like I was going to pee my pants.

Ladies, back me up here. When you have to pee, pantyhose are like a tight hug from the devil himself. You can’t shimmy out of those things fast enough.

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1993 – She-Ra Princess of Power

I’ve gone Trick-or-Treating in the snow, and I’ve seen many people dressed as Santa Claus knocking on doors for candy, or children wearing balaclava’s dressed as bank robbers. Those kids were the lucky ones; their faces weren’t frozen to the point of facial paralysis. You know how many times I had snot dripping down my face as I smiled at a stranger’s door while Trick or Treating? Too many to count, that’s how many.

We toughed it out. We tasted the salty snot and we kept motoring.We persevered. When I see a kid at my door wearing a cute animal onesie as a costume, my first reaction is, obviously, “Aw,” but my next reaction is to tell them to buck-up, look alive, eat some snot. That’s why my immune system is so strong. Halloween snot. Then I give their parents a disapproving look, and tell them to hit the bricks. Come back when you’re ready to play with the big boys (and girls).

giphy (4) This Saturday, October 31st, it’s supposed to be 6 degrees Celsius. You know what that means, kids.

T-shirt weather.

Dress accordingly.

Friday Five – Thanksgiving, American Horror Story, Gigi Hadid and more!

Happy Friday!

It was a short work week here in Canada due to last weekend being Thanksgiving!

I hope you Canuck’s got a chance to eat some yummy food, be with your loved ones and watch the Blue Jays kick serious baseball ass! Woo! One step closer to the World Series!

I’m not a huge sports fan but I’m a huge fan of athletes…amirite ladies?

Here’s what I’m loving about this week…

Thanksgiving!

We’ve had some health issues in our family recently (luckily my Grandpa’s on the mend), so this Thanksgiving there was no concrete plan for holiday dinners. I was lucky enough to be invited to Marie’s parent’s house for dinner, who have always made me feel like I’m one of their own.

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Marie’s Mom is an AMAZING cook. I always leave with a full belly and full heart, with her cooking reminding me of my Nani’s classic Italian recipes. Everything is full fat, butter and fried…it’s delicious!

American Horror Story: Hotel

Ok. So here’s where you’re going to think I’m a bit of a blasphemer. When I was a Religious Studies major in University without any spiritual ties, I decided to create my own personal Holy Trinity for shits and giggles. I’m half joking, half serious when I say, that my personal equivalent of the Holy Spirit is Lady Gaga – a colourful, ever changing, powerful life force …with fabulous wigs.

I’m now watching AHS: Hotel starring Gaga and although I’m not sold on this season, I am pleasantly surprised by Gaga’s acting chops. GIRL can sell being a vampire like it’s nobody’s business. Which…yes, is in direct opposition to the lightness that is everything heavenly, but still. It’s my theology and I’m sticking with my choice!

Are you watching American Horror Story?

It’s perfectly timed for Halloween. Check it out so we can chat!

Gigi Hadid in Elle Canada

I was in at the salon getting my roots colored, because I’m white already at 28, when I picked up the latest issue of Elle Canada with supermodel of the moment, Gigi Hadid, on the cover.

While my opinions on Ms. Hadid were that she was just a pretty face with rich parents and a  famous boyfriend. I must confess I was thoroughly impressed by her interview with the mag. Hadid is a PR superstar, knowing the value of building relationships with industry professionals and fans alike. It’s rare that you see a celebrity, a young celebrity at that, be a consummate professional.

If you’re looking for some brain and eye candy, check out the article here!

Carrie Underwood – Heartbeat

I’m always pushing Country music. Sorry, not sorry, y’all!

The second single from Underwood’s soon to be released album, Storyteller, features Sam Hunt’s vocals on the chorus.

Yup. That Sam Hunt. The one that makes my loins burst into flames like a head full of hairspray near an open flame.

The song is a typical country tune, about nights under the stars and slow dancing near a river, but it’s one you definitely need to check out!

Take a listen!


and finally…..

Angelina Jolie for Vogue

Remember that personal Holy Trinity I mentioned earlier? Here’s my walking, talking, raven haired, Jesus.

I adore Angelina Jolie for so many reasons besides her blessed bone structure. Jolie is open about her personal life, but not for the sake of entertainment. She shares her vulnerability to connect with others and uses her fame to bring attention to her humanitarian efforts. Hollywood’s most glamorous A-Lister is spends her time with the poorest of the poor, and she does it with grace.

Personally, I admire Jolie because she transitioned from this wild child to a humanitarian and mother. For me this has always been admirable because it reminds me that we are not our past, and we can become whatever or whoever it is we want to be!

Check out Angelina on the latest cover of Vogue, with photos featuring the entire Jolie-Pitt clan here!

A Very Taylor Throwback: Counting down the best of Taylor Swift!

Taylor Swift is bringing the 1989 World Tour to Toronto, tomorrow!
I can’t maintain my chill. I’m ridiculously excited to dance the night away listening to some of my favourite Taylor tunes.
This week I had a legit nightmare that someone tried to make me choose between Taylor and Katy Perry. I woke up panicking. That’s the ultimate Sophie’s Choice.
To those who say I have to pick sides, I say: I’m a grown ass woman, I do what I want and right now, I want to listen to some Tay Swift and for a few hours shake off the worries of the world.
Well, my world. Sorry, Syria.
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I’ll be heading to the concert with Rebecca; the Taylor to my Abigail. We’ve been bff level friends for almost 10 years. In 2011, Rebecca and I headed into the city, stayed at a hotel which was probably the inspiration for the latest season of American Horror Story and saw TayTay during the Speak Now tour.
We wrote 13’s on our hands, threw up our heart signs to our girl and sang until our voices gave out.
I am SO excited to be spending another Taylor concert with Rebecca. It’s the ultimate girls night out.
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I know y’all love Taylor, so I thought this week I would do a throwback/Friday Five blend and list my favourite Taylor Swift songs of all time.
We’re crossing genres. We’re going back to sparkly dresses and wild crazy curls.
Let’s dive in, shall we?

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Up close & personal : My top 25 songs on iTunes

I’ve always believed my top 25 songs on iTunes could be used by professionals to psychoanalyze my life. With a commute that takes roughly an hour and a half each way, I spend a LOT of time in my car listening to music. I’m convinced my iTunes frequently played playlist tells someone all they need to know about me (the good, the bad, the ugly).

Have you ever met someone, like a really cute guy, and he asks, “What type of music do you listen to?” And for a brief moment you have to decide to tell the truth and say you spend 99% of your time listening to Katy Perry or should you be breezy and name drop Halsey.

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I know my tastes in music/movies/TV is a boner killer. But at 28, I just don’t give AF anymore. So, I decided to put it all out there and let y’all get to know the REAL me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with my musical soul!

25. Good for You – Selena Gomez (feat. A$AP Rocky)

I really have no excuse for this one. It took me by surprise too. See? You’re already judging me.

24. Let Me See Ya Girl – Cole Swindell

23. When the Stars Go Blue – Tyler Hilton & Bethany Joy Lenz

From One Tree Hill! Seriously. This post is already a horrible idea.

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22. Spring Breakdown – Luke Bryan

21. Cool for the Summer – Demi Lovato

Just unfriend me right now.

20. Wide Awake – Katy Perry

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19. Girl Crush – Little Big Town

18. Too Little, Too Late – Jojo

2005 Y’all! I was a high school senior when this song was released.

17. Little Red Wagon – Miranda Lambert

Sassy Miranda is the only Miranda.

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16. Teenage Dream – Katy Perry

My favourite pop song of all time

15. Clint Eastwood – Jessie James Decker

14. First – Cold War Kids

See? I’m cool. Ish. I’m cool-ish!

13. Roar – Katy Perry

The Go-To song when you’re feeling like garbage.

12. I Really Like You – Carly Rae Jepsen

I have no idea where this one came from.

11. Leave the Night On – Sam Hunt

#Swoon

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HERE WE GO TOP TEN!

10. Sangria – Blake Shelton

A damn sexy song.

9. House Party – Sam Hunt

#SwoonAgain

8. I Look So Good (Without You) – Jessie James Decker

The ultimate song to get over someone who broke your heart. Girls, download it. Put it on repeat.

7. Hot – Avril Lavigne

Not surprising. I’m Canadian.

6. Lights Down Low – Jessie James Decker

So much, Jessie. So little time

5. Smoke Break – Carrie Underwood

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4. Hey Y’all – Cole Swindell

3. Wildest Dreams – Taylor Swift

The best song on the entire album. I’ve said it a million times. I heart it.

2. Home Alone Tonight – Luke Bryan (feat.Karen Fairchild)

… and the number one song on my iTunes, out of 800 songs….

Bad Blood – Taylor Swift feat. Kendrick Lamar

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(Because I needed to learn Kendrick’s part, and I still don’t have it down pat.)

Now that you know I’m a pop-country teen queen, let me know your top 25!

All Things Britney Lee

The Finicky Cynic

Hey Meghan

Elizabeth Kara

I’m tagging some of my friends, but if you feel like taking the challenge and exposing your true musical self, link back to me so I can learn more about you!

Let’s Discuss: Emmy fashion!

The Emmy’s!

Does anyone even watch awards shows anymore? I don’t. I live for red carpets and die a small death when it comes to awards shows. If it’s not hosted by Tina or Amy, GTFO.

That being said, let’s start our week off right: With some pretty dresses!

The scale: I’m judging based on vodka soda’s. This is my go-to drink otherwise known as a “Skinny Bitch”.

The BEST dressed of the night will get the holy grail of 5 Vodka Soda’s out of 5. That’s as many drinks it takes for me to think I’m Kim Kardashian.

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Here we go!

Here are my picks for best dressed on the Emmy red carpet:

Naomi Watts wearing Dior Haute Couture

Oh, Naomi. It’s so true about wanting what you can’t have. Even though I’m an olive skinned Mowgli Jungle Book lookalike, I go nuts over fair haired light skinned beauties like Naomi Watts. Her Dior looked fresh, pretty and glamorous amongst the dark hues and the long dresses on the red carpet.

I love, love, love the length of this dress. It’s youthful and weather appropriate (I see you, California temperatures).

Naomi loses points for her messy hair. I would have loved to have seen her hair down or slicked back. Never tendrils. Never.

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Lady Gaga wearing Brandon Maxwell

I measure my life in black dresses, which is why I was losing my shit when Gaga appeared on the red carpet looking like a bona fide movie star (among TV stars). I also love that Gaga wore a dress designed by her real life BFF, Brandon Maxwell. If you’re an Instagram stalker and you legit think that Gaga’s your best friend (like I do) then you know last week the singer played assistant to her friend during New York Fashion Week, working behind the scenes to make his show a success.

I love that Gaga’s keeping it simple with the hair and make-up, but I’m taking one Vodka Soda away because I would have loved a really great bracelet or just a little more bling.

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Taylor Schilling wearing Stella McCartney

I may loathe Piper on Orange is the New Black, but I adore Taylor Schilling on the red carpet. Yellow seemed to be a popular colour last night, but in my humble/basic bitch opinion, nobody wore it better than Taylor!

The hair, the lip, the interesting neckline? I’m foaming at the mouth.

I’m taking away half a vodka soda because I want the dress to be a smidgeon longer, but I’m giving her look 4.5 vodka soda’s out of 5.

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Kerry Washington wearing Marc Jacobs

I am not mad at this sexy Joan of Arc look she’s serving on the red carpet. I love the length, that it’s not overly feminine and that it’s got a 3/4 sleeve. Y’all know I LOVE A 3/4 SLEEVE! Kerry stood out in a sea of floor length gowns (or not so floor length, amirite Taylor?)

I’m giving Kerry 5/5 Vodka Sodas! We have a Winner!

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Those are my picks for the Best Dressed! Who were you loving?

Tell me in the comments below!

Cheers!

Surprise! I’m a Mommy

Actually I’m a Godmother. It’s basically the same thing. Except I get to sleep at night and get to swoop in for unlimited cuddles whenever I feel like it  (which is all the time).
A few months ago, my best friend/sister/soul-mate Marie and her husband, Nathan, asked me to be the godmother to their daughter, Evie. I was overcome with emotion and went into the ugliest cry of happy tears.
Last Sunday we celebrated Evie’s baptism and our bond was made official!  I love my nieces tremendously and becoming an aunt (3 times!) changed my life in the best way possible. Being asked to be someone’s godmother takes everything to the next level.
Evie Baptism
    I THINK this means, that if something were to happen to Marie and Nathan, I would (obviously) become legal guardians of their daughters. Thus, setting myself up for the plot of the best romantic comedy of all time. I’m already living the first half of a romantic comedy: Single career woman resigns herself to life alone with bottles of wine and cats, when all of a sudden she becomes a single “mom” of two.

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Get out of here, Miss America! (But leave the crown)

Last night was the Miss America pageant.

Of course, I didn’t watch. I’m too feminist high brow for that (obviously). BUT, Cosmopolitan, the sex Bible magazine, live tweeted the entire broadcast.

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First of all, I think the fact that Miss America and pageants still exist is a mixed message to women and men everywhere. This past week, the internet was up in arms over a comedian’s shitty video about fat-shaming but then two seconds later 50 stick thin body flow classmates are parading around a stage in dental floss using Vaseline to treat their twat rash and keep their smiles nice and wide (just please wash your hands in between applications).

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