Lunchtime Anthropology

Girls with high mileage

“All guys want a virgin. If you can get a girl that’s untouched, you marry her.” I was sitting with my guy friends sipping a mediocre cup of tea, listening to Marcus explain the Holy Grail of the fairer sex. “You want to be the only guy your girl has ever been with.”

I smiled. “That’s absolute bullshit.”

“Not at all, that’s the truth.” Marcus replied with confidence. “Nobody wants a girl with high mileage.”

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I mentally ran through the list of “Must Haves” Marcus and Roman had imparted to me. According to them, the ideal woman had to cook, clean, want children, produce children, stay in some sort of physical shape after birthing the aforementioned children, but now she had to have a fully intact hymen, too?

You would think by now my blood would be boiling, but after nearly a year of exposure to conversations like this, I’ve become incredibly immune to their stupidity.  I almost take pleasure in it. Like I said, it’s like watching apes in their natural habitat.

“Riddle me this,” I asked the table. “When you’re out and about hooking up with girls, are you thinking, ‘I’ve got to keep my mileage low for my future wife?'”

I was met with a tither of laughter from Marcus. “It’s a double standard, I know, but it’s true. I’m just being honest.”

“I wouldn’t want my future wife to have had sex with like, 20 people, or have been in several long term relationships.” Roman, the devout Catholic of the group added to no one in particular.

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Is 20 a lot of people?

In our group, I’m the youngest at 28. Everyone else is in their mid 30’s, and aside from Ken, still single. If the average person has been sexually active from the age of …say…17, and hadn’t been in any serious or long-term relationships, was it unreasonable to believe that by the age of 30, said person was having sex with at least 2 people per year?*


Marcus decided to turn the tables on the conversation, “Would you ever have sex with a guy who told you he was a virgin? No, you probably wouldn’t. The double standard is real.”

Always needing a backstory, I pushed for more details. “Maybe, I said. Why is he a virgin? Is he waiting until marriage? Is this for religious reasons? Because if it is, that’s a hands-down no.”

“Why not?” asked Roman, the Pope’s representative in Canada.

“Because that would mean we have different beliefs and values. Why would I waste someone’s time if they were upfront with how they live their life? ”

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Unsatisfied (just like my imaginary religious suitor), the guys shook their heads at my unwillingness to prove their point. 

This was obviously a prime example of patriarchal thinking. Using the word ‘mileage’ to compare women to cars, something that can be acquired as a possession.

What confused me even more, was the idea that these guys were actively engaging with women who weren’t “wife material” but still expected their untouched, virginal spouse to be existing somewhere in the universe going about her day sewing buttons on clothing. Were they not just “ruining” these women for their future husbands?

Were they aware that they were talking to a woman who can’t cook, is on the fence about procreation and who most likely broke her hymen in a bike riding accident when she was a kid?

Listen folks, what I do, who I do, or who I don’t do is none of your GD business. I’m not judging anyone. Do you. Do him. Do the whole football team, I really don’t care.  You should never feel bad about your sexuality and sexual history or lack thereof.

What do you think we can do to help rid the world of this kind of sexist, antiquated thinking?  Is it too late for these guys?  Do all men think this way?

Tell me what you think!





* Note: I have not had 20 partners but fingers crossed!


Never Marry the Hot Girl

The other day, I sat down to tea with my guy friends  and they let me in on a tidbit of information that is apparently well known among the male population: Never, ever, marry the hot girl.

Before we go any further, you should know that these are actually REALLY sweet guys, but sometimes they say the dumbest, most appalling tripe I’ve ever heard.

I tried to maintain my composure, keep my cuss words to a minimum, but of course, asked them to elaborate.

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Marcus, the laid back, well groomed, fashion obsessed member of the group, took the lead. “The hot girl is going to make your life miserable,” he said. “Date her, but right after you break-up with her, start dating someone average, still pretty, but you know. Not as pretty. That girl’s going to go above and beyond for you because she has to. ”

I reached for my cellphone, pretended to text and immediately began taking notes for this blog post. “What do you mean, above and beyond?”

Marcus continued, “The average girl’s going to cook and clean and have your kids. She’s not concerned with staying beautiful forever. She’s wife material.”

Bullshit or honesty? I kept pushing. “Don’t you think that your wife should be the most beautiful woman in the world to you? Shouldn’t you think she’s actually the Hot Girl?”

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Sensing my growing frustrations, my co-worker Roman, interjected. “Oh, nobody’s saying that you don’t love your wife, or think she’s beautiful. You fall in love with her personality, and that makes her even more beautiful.”

“But she’s just not the hottest, that you physically have ever been with,” Marcus added. “She’s great, but she brings something else to the table.”

This is where I should mention that both Marcus and Roman are single. Our married friend, Chris, sat further down the table shaking his head in disbelief, quietly laughing at our conversation.

“This is ridiculous.” I told them.

“Do me a favor,”Marcus said smiling. “Next time you’re at the mall, look at the left hand of every hot girl you see. There will be no ring. Then, look at the other girls,  they’ll all be married or engaged.”

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I was in disbelief but intrigued. I admit,  I’ve never really dated any guy that I thought followed traditional definitions of “hot.” I’ve  dated good-looking guys,  but not guys that could be mistaken for  male models. I have an innate distrust of really good-looking people or “hot” guys , maybe because I don’t believe they would ever be interested in me, or that I wouldn’t be enough to keep their attention. There’s always going to be someone prettier, better looking, hotter – and all that jazz.

Were the guys just (poorly) describing the same type of insecurity?

“Everyone wants the hot girl,” Marcus continued, obviously enjoying the ability to espouse his wisdom to the opposite sex. “She knows it. She likes the attention, and there’s always going to be someone trying to take her.”

There it was, insecurity rearing it’s ugly head.

I nodded, more or less agreeing with everything they weren’t saying. What began as a shallow conversation turned into a glimpse into what we all have in common: fear that someone’s going to affirm the idea that we aren’t “good enough.”

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I could easily take this conversation at face value and think these guys are witless d*cks, but maybe this was just a glimpse into someone’s heartache history. To come up with this “rule” there must have been a girl who broke their heart, right?

Or, could this simply be a  matter of discovering that looks aren’t everything?  No matter how “hot” someone is, there’s more to a partnership than physical attraction.  My favorite adage is the crass, “For every Supermodel, there’s a guy that’s tired of f*cking her.”

The Hot Girl is subjective. The Average Girl is subjective.  Diff’rent Strokes for Diff’rent folks. Are there any hard and fast rules for dating, or are there just lessons we’ve learned that we should keep to ourselves unless articulately expressed?

Am I being to kind in trying to look beneath the shallow surface of this conversation?

What do you think? Tell me in the comments below.