Like It/Love it

Pour One Out for Prince

I was in the middle of celebrating Queen Elizabeth’s 90th birthday, when I received a flurry of text messages with the news that Prince, the 57 year old entertainment icon, has died.

Put on something purple, put on his Greatest Hits, dim the lights and pour yourself a glass of whatever it is you need to handle this loss.

We’ll miss you, you weird little enigma of a man. You were larger than life, and a true artist and original.  Your music was part of the soundtrack to my childhood and for millions of other people your songs are tied to some of our fondest memories.

Nothing compares 2 you…

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Blogmas Day 18: When the dog bites, when the bee stings…

When I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favourite things and then I don’t feel… SOOOO  baaaaad!

Ah… You’re going to have that song in your head all day now. You’re welcome.

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The Sound of Music. I have no idea why I associate this movie with Christmas, but I do… it must be the mountains…or the nuns. Definitely the nuns.  Anyways! I came across this Christmas tag and thought it would be a cute little way to kick off this weekend. I’m going to be running around like a maniac, but I’ll be sure to tell you all about it on Monday!

What are your Favourite Christmas colors?

Truth time. I’m a Red/Green/Gold kind of girl. Strictly the classics. Anyone who uses blue at Christmas can GTFO.  I’m kind of convinced I have some form of synesthesia, because there are certain colours that make me physically sick or angry and blue is one of them.

Blue decorations? Blue and silver? Pukes.

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PJ’s or fancy dress of Christmas day?

Answer: Fancy PJ’s. Ever since puberty I’ve had to wear the nice jammier-jams and a bra, because Christmas morning, you never know who could show up early and you don’t want to be national geographic with your nips frowning at your family while you’re opening presents.

Presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

Christmas morning. Now, it’s more like mid to late morning. If it were up to me it would be Christmas afternoon.

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Stay home or go away? Stay home.

I’ve never been away for Christmas, but I wouldn’t rule it out! I like the routine of visiting family on the holidays. Unfortunately, aging relatives and family members not on speaking terms is complicating the issue, but my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day should be booked with nieces and my li’l oldies from morning to night!

Favourite part of the Christmas meal?

The part where I get to leave the dishes on the table and go lay like a blob in front of the TV.

Favourite Holiday treat?

Sugar cookies. Specifically, sugar cookie dough.

Dream Christmas Location?

I would love to spend Christmas in London and recite Love, Actually quotes to strangers and have them be all, “F*cking Americans.” Alternatively, I think Christmas in a tropical location would be delightful. Nothing says Merry Christmas like sand in your crevices!

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Pro-present wrapper?

Everyone gets bags.

Favourite Reindeer?

Prancer!

Favourite Cracker Toy?

Any jewelry. It’s my version of getting engaged on Christmas.

Favourite Christmas Decoration?

I love my Peter Pan ornament. Gotta love Peter.

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Can you name all of the Reindeer?

Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Prancer, Blitzen, Cupid, Comet …um.. Hank? Sally Anne?

Weirdest gift you ever got?

Nani, My Italian grandmother, used to gift us grand kids angel figurines every year, and one year her eye sight was so poor she bought me  a figurine meant for a loved one who has died, and I thought she was telling me something and burst into tears. Christmas, RUINED.

Favourite Christmas Memory?

Baking sugar cookies with my Nani. I can’t cook or bake to save my life, but every year I put on my apron and baked with her. Love that old broad, even though she heckles my skills.

Favourite Christmas Carol?

Any version of Baby, It’s Cold Outside makes me immeasurably happy. Also, any version of O! Holy Night, will put the fear of God in me and take me from 0 to Catholic, real quick.

Favourite Christmas Movie?

Home Alone, forever. Never Home Alone 2. NEVER.
Special shout out to It’s A Wonderful Life and Little Women. Beth dying just gets me feeling festive.

 

 

 

Blogmas Day 11: Homemade Christmas Gifts for the Cash-Flow Challenged

Today’s post was written by my hilarious cousin, Laura. Enjoy! 

Short on cash this Christmas? Me too, though my collection of dresses I wear once and never use again is growing nicely. If you’re like me and are looking for inexpensive homemade gifts to give this season that are above and beyond your usual knitted scarf, then here are some suggestions to help spark that crackling fireplace channel in your loved one’s heart.

1.Macaroni Everything

Children are mastermind gift givers. They’re cute enough that you couldn’t possibly complain about the shoddiness of their homemade CD rack, and they create gifts so personalized and terribly made that you can’t even return or regift them (eg. almost a decade of terrible ties my father never once wore but kept in the back of his closet like a shameful secret. What do you MEAN you don’t want to wear that gaudy, shiny neck noose with the Three Stooge’s faces plastered all over it?). The number one thing everyone probably remembers making as a child is macaroni art. Get together a paper Plate, some white glue, elbow macaronis, and gold spray paint? BAM. You’ve got yourself the perfect….erm…thing to give your mom for Mother’s Day. Stick a picture of your dumb, toothless face in the middle and you’ve got what can loosely be described as a picture frame.

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So my advice to you is bring back some of the nostalgia of their youth and start giving macaroni art again. But don’t just phone it in with a paper plate frame. No, get your shit together, Cheryl. You’re an adult now. Think of something they love, something they use every day and just…enhance it. Little reminders of your love all over their house via the power of macaroni. Boyfriend plays a lot of videogames? Macaroni the shit out of his X-Box controller. Sister has a favourite coffee mug? Everything is better with macaroni! And if you’re my OG Italian grandparents, prepare for a macaroni covered Virgin Mary statue, painted gold natch, to add to your collection.
2.A Prison Style Tattoo

Nothing says “eternal love” like a tattoo of some broad’s name across your doughy bicep. Tattoos are the epitome of ‘forever’, which is how long love lasts, right? While some people may balk at the permanence of such a gesture, I think it speaks to the person’s sense of spontaneity and commitment, as well as how easy it’ll be to swindle money from them in the future.  So my suggestion to you, friends, is give the longest lasting gift of all: a prison style stick-and-poke tattoo.

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NOT ON YOURSELF, you walnut. What are you crazy? Those things don’t rub off. I meant give one to your sweetheart! Preferably while they are sleeping or after they drank from that wine glass with all the Ambien in it that you ‘accidentally’ left sitting on the counter. That way, it’ll be a super-duper surprised when they wake up and see your name or “I’ll be watching you” across their chest (thank you Sting for the endless supply of romantic song lyrics to choose from). Remember: No one regrets a love tattoo. Not even Johnny Depp. Or at least, that’s what my 1990 copy of People Magazine says. I really should renew my subscription.
3.The Severed Heads of their Enemies

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4.Heartbreak

Anyone who has ever attended post-secondary school has heard the term “Turkey Dump”. For those not in the know, the Turkey Dump refers to the unusually high number of breakups that happen during the Thanksgiving weekend. Many young people experience their first taste of freedom while in college; living away from home, eating ramen with processed cheese slices and Red Bull for every meal (ie. my Freshman year), and meeting tons of new and exciting people. It can take the shine out of any prior hometown affections, including your highschool girlfriend. You realize she’s just not as interesting as that cool chick you met in your Women’s Studies class who has a nose ring and uses hemp tampons, and you use the visit home as the perfect opportunity to dump her townie ass.
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So surprise your loved one with something that will stay with them forever. Break up with them, preferably under mistletoe or after a few subtle hints that may lead them to believe you’re about to propose. It’s got everything in a homemade gift you could ask for. It’s straight from the heart, it’ll surprise the shit out of them, and it’ll make their Christmas the most memorable one yet. The only money you’ll spend is replacing the tires they may eventually slash.
5.A Mixed CD

This is actually just a really sweet gift, more people should give mixed CDs. Just no Yanni unless you secretly dislike the person.

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Merry Shitscram to you and yours. May your clothes not be soiled by the smells of Fishmas past.

Blogmas Day 10: Love, Actually? Love, Kinda

I’m very 2015 when it comes to romance, meaning my standards are pretty low. Taking me someplace that offers unlimited refills on Diet Pepsi is essentially the real life equivalent of meeting me at the top of the Empire State Building at midnight on Valentine’s Day. In a world of late night booty calls and unwanted dick pics, I consider a guy to be a ‘gentleman’ if he uses proper grammar and remains fully clothed throughout our date.

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However, at Christmas, my expectations take a sleigh ride to the next level.

The fact that there’s an entire holiday celebrating a virgin becoming pregnant without having sex makes me believe that  at Christmas, anything is possible. This includes the possibility that your crush will magically appear at your doorstep on Christmas Eve to proclaim his or her undying love.

The year’s winding down, the romantic comedies are airing on Lifetime and the W Network, Mariah Carey is still singing at that pitch only the neighbourhood dogs can hear, and all of a sudden, you’re fantasizing about PG, first base, over the shirt stuff.

This is my first Christmas as a single lady in a few years, and I’m happy with my relationship status. It’s my choice to be solo right now, and do the ol’ personal inventory and figure out what I’m looking for.

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That being said, I’ve still got this secret desire that I’ll be wearing my cowl neck cream coloured holiday sweater, I’ll have finally learned how to contour my nose, I’ll be just about to crack open a bottle of wine and break my sobriety-ish vow when there will be a knock at the front door.  I answer the door to see snow gently falling and an out of breath Stud wearing a turtleneck, but I’ll let it go because it’s Christmas and I can’t be picky right now.

I’ll feign surprise, “What’re you doing here! My word!”

Then he’ll say, “My car broke down so I ran here.”

Aw, he has a car. But it’s broken. Regardless, I’ll be batting my eyelashes, “Studly, what’s going on?”

And then bam, he hits you with the good moves…and all of a sudden….

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But he verbalizes it. Says it out loud, like an articulate, emotionally available winner.

Then he’ll tell me that he was in a dark place on a bridge, and an angel will appear and show him what life would have been like if he had never been born. I’ll say this all sounds terribly familiar, but I’ll encourage him to keep going, because this is disrupting my quiet evening at home with mother #GreyGardens.

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He’ll say the angel said that if he was never born, I would be home alone on Christmas Eve with two men trying to rob my house and nobody would be there to save me.

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That’s when he realized he would be heartbroken if I died, because he’s been in love with me from the moment we met and it’s OK that I cuss like a sailor, can’t cook to save my life, and am probably never going to make my target weight.

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Then he’ll dip me dramatically and kiss me, and we’ll live happily ever after or for at least two years because that’s my track record.

Totally possible, right?

RIGHT?

 

Am I the only one who feels this way, or do you find the holidays incredibly romantic as well?

 

Blogmas Day 9: Gift ideas for kids!

This post was alternatively titled, “Gift ideas for kids so that they don’t grow up to be assholes.”

It can be tough to buy for the little’uns at Christmas. There are so many gadgets and thingamajigs and hot new toys, it’s very possible that you’ll be trampled to death inside of a Toys R’ US while hunting for the perfect gift of Madison and Madisyn.

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Since I’m not a parent, I get to sleep in on Christmas morning, and don’t have to live with a disappointed child who didn’t get everything they wanted on Christmas.

I’ve picked up several tricks being an Aunt and I’m here to share my wisdom with you:

Never buy clothes for children that aren’t yours. It’s a complete waste of money ; they grow so damn fast. By the time the Madison’s open their present they’ve probably grown three inches and your gift needs to be returned or exchanged for something else.

While we’re at it, never buy toys for children that aren’t yours, either. You’re just going to enable them to be greedy little runts, and by December 28th your gift will be cast aside to a dark corner of the basement, and eventually donated to the Salvation Army. Cut out the middle man, and donate to a child in need.

What you SHOULD do, is buy children books. It’s important to nurture a love of reading at an early age, and to all those parents with their nightime routines, a good book can do wonders in lulling your child off to dreamland.

Let’s face it, if children are the future, I would rather the next generation not be complete assholes. It’s inevitable that someone out there is going to raise an asshole, but I’d rather that asshole be literate and quoting Goethe to me while being a complete dick.

Here’s a suggestion from Auntie Bib:

Gift a book you loved as a child, and write a message on the inside of the book cover explaining what you loved about the book, and what you hope the child learns from the story.

If you REALLY want to hit a homer and school these kids on life lessons, write a few questions at the end of the book for the child and their parent (or whomever is reading the book) to discuss.

These are some books I feel like all children should have in their library!

 

 

 

Happy Shopping!

Blogmas Day 4: Currently!

Happy Friday, everyone!

I’ve got some blog ideas in development, but my schedule today means I’ve got to boot n’ rally to get everything done before this weekend’s festivities.

I thought I’d do another Currently tag, and let y’all know what I’m up to this month!

This Currently list is  inspired by Katy Upperman a blog I stumbled upon the other day.

Currently Loving

A few weeks ago, I came across a blog and podcast called The Bitch Bible, created by Jackie Schimmel. I like to pretend Schimmel’s my long distance BFF and I’m her gentile Canadian friend that would mail her my extra Ativan and get in a bar fight against Kylie Jenner if their feud ever came to a boil.I laugh out loud listening to her podcast, you should definitely check her out!

Currently Reading

I’ve been trying to muddle through Purity by Jonathan Franzen for almost two months. I’m bound and determined to finish, but it’s so f*cking boring, I want to cry. He’s definitely one of those authors I name drop when I want someone to realize that I don’t mess around with Chick Lit or YA novels, but damn. This guy missed the mark with his latest novel.

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Currently Listening

I just downloaded Jessie James Decker’s new Christmas album on Apple Music (which I finally figured out how to use) and I’m obsessed. The CD has some original Christmas songs which I’m really enjoying.

Be sure you check her out!

Currently Watching

Lately, I’ve been going to bed at like, 6:30 pm like a seventy-five year old woman, so my TV time is really limited to while I’m eating dinner or getting ready for work.  I’m always watching Wendy Williams’ YouTube channel, and have been streaming past episodes of Snooki and J-Woww.

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The tackier, trashier a TV show is, the better.

Currently Thinking About

Everything I have to do before Sunday’s jewelry party. Tomorrow I’ll be driving all over the place to different Christmas parties, so I have a very small window of opportunity to finish my party shopping. I’m getting excited about having everyone over to mix n’ mingle and shop for some goodies, so my anxiety level hasn’t crossed into “eating her hair in the corner” territory, just yet.

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Currently Anticipating

My Cyber Monday packages haven’t arrived yet and I’m losing my shit.

GIVE ME MY CHUNKY KNIT CREAM COLOURED HOLIDAY SWEATERS, SO I CAN LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN CATALOGUE MODEL AT CHRISTMAS, DAMNIT.

Currently Wishing

Can’t tell you my real wish, because then it won’t come true. So, I’ll just say, “Peace on Earth.”

Currently Making Me Happy

My psychologist/mind Gandalf, Dr. Jones, has been pushing me to do physical activity for some time as a means to help out with my mood, so about three weeks ago, I began running 5km, three times a week. Thrice, weekly as they say. Last night I beat my best personal time by two minutes, and I haven’t had an emotional breakdown yet about Christmas. I say YET because it’s only December 4th and it’s really just a matter of time.

This shock therapy to my ass and my Christmas Spirit seems to be working (plus anti-depressants and kitten videos, can’t count those out).

What are you currently loving?

Pingbacks, betches!

 

 

 

 

Hello! Adele’s back, and she’s breaking your heart (again)

It’s been a few years since her last album. I’ve had time to heal from “Someone Like You.” I can now successfully listen to that heart wrenching song and not be sent into rib crushing sobs.

Now, just in time for your latest break-up, she’s back and better than ever.

Whenever I see the winged eye-liner, the cheek contouring, the voluminous hair… It makes me nervous. I get all weird like an animal before a storm, because I’m 100% positive I’m not emotionally stable enough to handle an Adele ballad.

Take a listen to her new single and then let’s talk.


Did you cry? Did you want to cry,  but you’re at work and not successful enough to have an office with four walls? Yeah. Me either. You gotta keep your shit together when you sit in a cubicle.

That girl is #blessed with a beautiful voice.

What do you think?

A Very Taylor Throwback: Counting down the best of Taylor Swift!

Taylor Swift is bringing the 1989 World Tour to Toronto, tomorrow!
I can’t maintain my chill. I’m ridiculously excited to dance the night away listening to some of my favourite Taylor tunes.
This week I had a legit nightmare that someone tried to make me choose between Taylor and Katy Perry. I woke up panicking. That’s the ultimate Sophie’s Choice.
To those who say I have to pick sides, I say: I’m a grown ass woman, I do what I want and right now, I want to listen to some Tay Swift and for a few hours shake off the worries of the world.
Well, my world. Sorry, Syria.
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I’ll be heading to the concert with Rebecca; the Taylor to my Abigail. We’ve been bff level friends for almost 10 years. In 2011, Rebecca and I headed into the city, stayed at a hotel which was probably the inspiration for the latest season of American Horror Story and saw TayTay during the Speak Now tour.
We wrote 13’s on our hands, threw up our heart signs to our girl and sang until our voices gave out.
I am SO excited to be spending another Taylor concert with Rebecca. It’s the ultimate girls night out.
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I know y’all love Taylor, so I thought this week I would do a throwback/Friday Five blend and list my favourite Taylor Swift songs of all time.
We’re crossing genres. We’re going back to sparkly dresses and wild crazy curls.
Let’s dive in, shall we?

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Let’s Discuss: Emmy fashion!

The Emmy’s!

Does anyone even watch awards shows anymore? I don’t. I live for red carpets and die a small death when it comes to awards shows. If it’s not hosted by Tina or Amy, GTFO.

That being said, let’s start our week off right: With some pretty dresses!

The scale: I’m judging based on vodka soda’s. This is my go-to drink otherwise known as a “Skinny Bitch”.

The BEST dressed of the night will get the holy grail of 5 Vodka Soda’s out of 5. That’s as many drinks it takes for me to think I’m Kim Kardashian.

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Here we go!

Here are my picks for best dressed on the Emmy red carpet:

Naomi Watts wearing Dior Haute Couture

Oh, Naomi. It’s so true about wanting what you can’t have. Even though I’m an olive skinned Mowgli Jungle Book lookalike, I go nuts over fair haired light skinned beauties like Naomi Watts. Her Dior looked fresh, pretty and glamorous amongst the dark hues and the long dresses on the red carpet.

I love, love, love the length of this dress. It’s youthful and weather appropriate (I see you, California temperatures).

Naomi loses points for her messy hair. I would have loved to have seen her hair down or slicked back. Never tendrils. Never.

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Lady Gaga wearing Brandon Maxwell

I measure my life in black dresses, which is why I was losing my shit when Gaga appeared on the red carpet looking like a bona fide movie star (among TV stars). I also love that Gaga wore a dress designed by her real life BFF, Brandon Maxwell. If you’re an Instagram stalker and you legit think that Gaga’s your best friend (like I do) then you know last week the singer played assistant to her friend during New York Fashion Week, working behind the scenes to make his show a success.

I love that Gaga’s keeping it simple with the hair and make-up, but I’m taking one Vodka Soda away because I would have loved a really great bracelet or just a little more bling.

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Taylor Schilling wearing Stella McCartney

I may loathe Piper on Orange is the New Black, but I adore Taylor Schilling on the red carpet. Yellow seemed to be a popular colour last night, but in my humble/basic bitch opinion, nobody wore it better than Taylor!

The hair, the lip, the interesting neckline? I’m foaming at the mouth.

I’m taking away half a vodka soda because I want the dress to be a smidgeon longer, but I’m giving her look 4.5 vodka soda’s out of 5.

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Kerry Washington wearing Marc Jacobs

I am not mad at this sexy Joan of Arc look she’s serving on the red carpet. I love the length, that it’s not overly feminine and that it’s got a 3/4 sleeve. Y’all know I LOVE A 3/4 SLEEVE! Kerry stood out in a sea of floor length gowns (or not so floor length, amirite Taylor?)

I’m giving Kerry 5/5 Vodka Sodas! We have a Winner!

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Those are my picks for the Best Dressed! Who were you loving?

Tell me in the comments below!

Cheers!

New Music Swap – Carrie Underwood

I have a big post to put up about how I hosted a Bachelorette this past weekend, but I just came across new music from Carrie Underwood and had to share.

My suburban self has a country heart, and Smoke Break by Carrie Underwood has been on repeat ALL DAY.

Hair as gold as the sun!

Teeth as …bright as the sun!

Voice like an angel!

That’s Carrie Underwood in a nutshell.

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