Friday Favourites

Happy (Not a) Mother’s Day!

I feel as though Mother’s Day is not only a time to give thanks to all the women in our lives who sacrifice for their progeny, but also a time for reflection.

As a single woman in her late twenties, my desire for children increases steadily with every new grey hair and heavy menstrual flow (seriously 9 months without a period sounds divine).

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Even though I hope to become a mother someday, I have to say, with each passing Mother’s Day, I breathe a huge sigh of relief that I’ve managed to go another 365 days without giving birth.

I’d like to thank God, first and foremost for not bestowing me with any gifts this year.

To the makers of the morning after pill/Plan B

Shit gets a little out of hand sometimes.  I’ll gladly endure three minutes of judgement from a pharmacist when purchasing your product if it means I can maintain a strong pelvic floor.

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To the men who insist on practicing safe sex

You’re all gems and someday (presumably after marriage) I hope you get to enjoy the wonders of unprotected sex to make oodles and oodles of babies.

To the Canadian government

Thank you for protecting my right to a safe and legal abortion. It’s good to know you’re there for me in case I ever have to make those tough decisions. So far so good.

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To Ryan Gosling movies and adult bedroom accessories

Thank you for making those lonely nights bearable. Without you, I would definitely be making some seriously big errors in judgement when times were tough.

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Lastly, I’d like to thank my own Mother, for constantly reminding me that being a mother means I would have to give up my obscene online shopping habit and after-work naps. I can think of no greater motivation to not get pregnant. That and you constantly saying to me, “Thank god you’re not someone’s mother,” really does the trick in closing this womb to the public.

Happy Not a Mother’s Day, everyone!

Bring on the mimosas!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*This post is purely for entertainment. Babies are a blessing, and for women everywhere who are struggling with infertility, I empathize with you on your difficult journey into motherhood. Have faith xo

 

 

 

 

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Blogmas Day 18: When the dog bites, when the bee stings…

When I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favourite things and then I don’t feel… SOOOO  baaaaad!

Ah… You’re going to have that song in your head all day now. You’re welcome.

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The Sound of Music. I have no idea why I associate this movie with Christmas, but I do… it must be the mountains…or the nuns. Definitely the nuns.  Anyways! I came across this Christmas tag and thought it would be a cute little way to kick off this weekend. I’m going to be running around like a maniac, but I’ll be sure to tell you all about it on Monday!

What are your Favourite Christmas colors?

Truth time. I’m a Red/Green/Gold kind of girl. Strictly the classics. Anyone who uses blue at Christmas can GTFO.  I’m kind of convinced I have some form of synesthesia, because there are certain colours that make me physically sick or angry and blue is one of them.

Blue decorations? Blue and silver? Pukes.

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PJ’s or fancy dress of Christmas day?

Answer: Fancy PJ’s. Ever since puberty I’ve had to wear the nice jammier-jams and a bra, because Christmas morning, you never know who could show up early and you don’t want to be national geographic with your nips frowning at your family while you’re opening presents.

Presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

Christmas morning. Now, it’s more like mid to late morning. If it were up to me it would be Christmas afternoon.

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Stay home or go away? Stay home.

I’ve never been away for Christmas, but I wouldn’t rule it out! I like the routine of visiting family on the holidays. Unfortunately, aging relatives and family members not on speaking terms is complicating the issue, but my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day should be booked with nieces and my li’l oldies from morning to night!

Favourite part of the Christmas meal?

The part where I get to leave the dishes on the table and go lay like a blob in front of the TV.

Favourite Holiday treat?

Sugar cookies. Specifically, sugar cookie dough.

Dream Christmas Location?

I would love to spend Christmas in London and recite Love, Actually quotes to strangers and have them be all, “F*cking Americans.” Alternatively, I think Christmas in a tropical location would be delightful. Nothing says Merry Christmas like sand in your crevices!

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Pro-present wrapper?

Everyone gets bags.

Favourite Reindeer?

Prancer!

Favourite Cracker Toy?

Any jewelry. It’s my version of getting engaged on Christmas.

Favourite Christmas Decoration?

I love my Peter Pan ornament. Gotta love Peter.

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Can you name all of the Reindeer?

Dasher, Dancer, Donner, Prancer, Blitzen, Cupid, Comet …um.. Hank? Sally Anne?

Weirdest gift you ever got?

Nani, My Italian grandmother, used to gift us grand kids angel figurines every year, and one year her eye sight was so poor she bought me  a figurine meant for a loved one who has died, and I thought she was telling me something and burst into tears. Christmas, RUINED.

Favourite Christmas Memory?

Baking sugar cookies with my Nani. I can’t cook or bake to save my life, but every year I put on my apron and baked with her. Love that old broad, even though she heckles my skills.

Favourite Christmas Carol?

Any version of Baby, It’s Cold Outside makes me immeasurably happy. Also, any version of O! Holy Night, will put the fear of God in me and take me from 0 to Catholic, real quick.

Favourite Christmas Movie?

Home Alone, forever. Never Home Alone 2. NEVER.
Special shout out to It’s A Wonderful Life and Little Women. Beth dying just gets me feeling festive.

 

 

 

Blogmas Day 4: Currently!

Happy Friday, everyone!

I’ve got some blog ideas in development, but my schedule today means I’ve got to boot n’ rally to get everything done before this weekend’s festivities.

I thought I’d do another Currently tag, and let y’all know what I’m up to this month!

This Currently list is  inspired by Katy Upperman a blog I stumbled upon the other day.

Currently Loving

A few weeks ago, I came across a blog and podcast called The Bitch Bible, created by Jackie Schimmel. I like to pretend Schimmel’s my long distance BFF and I’m her gentile Canadian friend that would mail her my extra Ativan and get in a bar fight against Kylie Jenner if their feud ever came to a boil.I laugh out loud listening to her podcast, you should definitely check her out!

Currently Reading

I’ve been trying to muddle through Purity by Jonathan Franzen for almost two months. I’m bound and determined to finish, but it’s so f*cking boring, I want to cry. He’s definitely one of those authors I name drop when I want someone to realize that I don’t mess around with Chick Lit or YA novels, but damn. This guy missed the mark with his latest novel.

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Currently Listening

I just downloaded Jessie James Decker’s new Christmas album on Apple Music (which I finally figured out how to use) and I’m obsessed. The CD has some original Christmas songs which I’m really enjoying.

Be sure you check her out!

Currently Watching

Lately, I’ve been going to bed at like, 6:30 pm like a seventy-five year old woman, so my TV time is really limited to while I’m eating dinner or getting ready for work.  I’m always watching Wendy Williams’ YouTube channel, and have been streaming past episodes of Snooki and J-Woww.

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The tackier, trashier a TV show is, the better.

Currently Thinking About

Everything I have to do before Sunday’s jewelry party. Tomorrow I’ll be driving all over the place to different Christmas parties, so I have a very small window of opportunity to finish my party shopping. I’m getting excited about having everyone over to mix n’ mingle and shop for some goodies, so my anxiety level hasn’t crossed into “eating her hair in the corner” territory, just yet.

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Currently Anticipating

My Cyber Monday packages haven’t arrived yet and I’m losing my shit.

GIVE ME MY CHUNKY KNIT CREAM COLOURED HOLIDAY SWEATERS, SO I CAN LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN CATALOGUE MODEL AT CHRISTMAS, DAMNIT.

Currently Wishing

Can’t tell you my real wish, because then it won’t come true. So, I’ll just say, “Peace on Earth.”

Currently Making Me Happy

My psychologist/mind Gandalf, Dr. Jones, has been pushing me to do physical activity for some time as a means to help out with my mood, so about three weeks ago, I began running 5km, three times a week. Thrice, weekly as they say. Last night I beat my best personal time by two minutes, and I haven’t had an emotional breakdown yet about Christmas. I say YET because it’s only December 4th and it’s really just a matter of time.

This shock therapy to my ass and my Christmas Spirit seems to be working (plus anti-depressants and kitten videos, can’t count those out).

What are you currently loving?

Pingbacks, betches!

 

 

 

 

Friday Five! Baby Spurgeon, Bieber and more!

Happy Friday the 13th!
I’m looking forward to the weekend and some QT in Pajamaville a suburb of Couch City.
This week has been a little busy for me since I’ve been pet-sitting for a few different people. If you didn’t know, Pet/House Sitting is practically a second job for me. I’m convinced it’s because people one, know I’m 28 and still live at home with my mom and two, know nothing in the world makes me happier than spending time with animals.
So. That’s me this week.
Here are 5 things that happened this week that we should discuss!

1 . Jennifer Lawrence in Vogue

I’m convinced J-Law and I would be friends, but begin as the friends who meet and hate each other. Don’t you have those friends? One of my best friends, Krissy and I started that way. She thought I was a bitch, I thought she was a bitch who made great cupcakes. Now we speak every single day for hours on the phone because I’m a needy friend and can’t make my hour and a half commute home with just Adele or Carrie Underwood to keep me company.
J-Law’s interview has some great one-liners. Here’s an excerpt from the interview,
Glasses of wine in hand, we head upstairs, and when we walk into the enormous master suite she makes a sweeping gesture toward the bed and says, “This is where the maaagic haaaappens.” Then she shoots me a get-real look. “Literally zero magic has happened in here.” She holds up her glass in a toast: “Cheers to my hymen growing back!”
She seems down to Earth and sassy. The photos for the shoot have a desert, road-stop, cowgirl feel which I’m loving. You should check it out!

2. Spurgeon Elliot Seawald

No, that’s not something on the menu at Red Lobster, that’s a baby’s name. Specifically, that’s the name of Jessa Duggar, now Seewald’s first child.
I feel like CPS should be called because this is obviously a sign that these people already hate their child.
What the actual fuck are you smoking.
I just imagine the conversation being like, “How about Elliot? Elliot’s get beat up. How about ‘Spurgeon,’ nobody fucks with a ‘Spurgeon!”
Apparently the baby was named after Charles Spurgeon, a pastor both Ben and Jessa admire.
Which is cool, make a tribute to whomever you want (except Hitler), but WHAT’S WRONG WITH CHARLES?
Is it the Manson imagery?
Whatever.

3. Master of None

I binge watched the new Aziz Ansari Netflix series last weekend. It’s funny and insightful. Not – laugh out loud, pee your pants and rewind funny – but funny as in, “life is hilarious, isn’t it?”
I’ve been telling all of my friends to check it out. So, you should too!
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4. Justin Bieber Week on Ellen

 Listen, we all know how I feel like Justin is my step-brother who I might harbor inappropriate feelings for, but I have to say, I get why people think he’s an asshole. An asshole that gives me Saved By the Bell Zack Morris tingles and catchy pop tunes.
This video gave me a good giggle. Maybe it’ll change your mind about the Biebs?

5. Katy Perry Being Katy Perry

Ugh. I love KP.
I have no real excuse for this addition but I just feel like her look is maturing and is less Bubblegum schizophrenic.
I need new Katy music, now!
NOW!
What are you loving this weekend? Let’s discuss!

Friday Five: Welcome to Fall!

I think this might be the first time (in a long time) that I’m actually excited for the holidays. Not Christmas, you freaks. Thanksgiving and Halloween!
It’s too soon to be thinking about Halloween. It shows incredible disrespect for Autumn and all it has to offer. There’s such a small window of time where the leaves are red and yellow and beautiful before they fall to the ground. Savor it! Give it it’s moment! On December 1st you are more than welcome to throw up your Christmas tree and tinsel n’ shit, but until then SHOW SOME RESPECT.
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I’m excited for Halloween this year because my nieces are a little bit older and at the age where costumes are EVERYTHING. Kudos to my sisters for not telling the girls what they’re being for Halloween until closer to the 31st. Your valiant attempt to maintain calm in the household is admirable.
This year I don’t have any Halloween party plans, so I won’t be dressing up. However, my cousin and I have signed up for a ghost tour on Halloween night. We’re morbid that way. We also love cemeteries, empaths, mediums, postmortem photography and child ghosts.
It’s going to be amazing.
Here are five things to get you feelin’ festive and ready for fall!

1.  Bath and Body Works Candles

I can’t bake to save my life, and I don’t like pumpkin spice lattes. To get my fix of fall, I like to buy scented candles from Bath and Body works.
Apple Pumpkin Pancake!
Sweater Weather!
Salted Caramel!
Yummy. And no baking required.
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Pumpkin Pie! $22.50 for 3 wick candle, or 2 for $24

Click here to check out more scents!

2. Post Mortem Photography

I touched on this earlier, this is something my cousin and I both find eerily fascinating. During the Victorian-era it was common for photographers to take portraits of the dead and give to grieving families as keepsakes. Creepy, right?
If you’re brave enough to take a look at some post-mortem portraits, click here.

3. Ghost Stories!

I love a good podcast. I also like to be scared shitless by ghost stories. A Ghost Story podcast? Perfect.
If you’re looking to freak yourself out and hear true tales of hauntings, go to Podbay.fm to listen to Real Ghost Stories Online, a podcast dedicated to true spooky stories.

4. Hocus Pocus!

Tell that virgin to light the black flame candle! It’s officially Hocus Pocus viewing season.  I’m slightly obsessed with this movie, and watch it every year before Halloween. Every. Single. Year.
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Oh, the Nostalgia!
Every year there’s rumors of a Hocus Pocus remake or sequel, but I personally hope this never happens. You don’t mess with perfection.

5. Something for the poets…

Have you ever been rendered speechless by the beautiful fall foliage?
These people haven’t. Here are some gems from famous writers about our favourite time of year.

“Autumn is a second spring, when every leaf is a flower.”

– Albert Camus

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”

– Lucy Maude Montgomery

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“No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.”

– John Donne

“Autumn…the year’s last, loveliest smile.”

– William Cullen Bryant

Go and enjoy the loveliness before the snow falls!
See you on Monday 🙂
xoxo

Friday Five: Bachelorette Parties, Taylor Swift and More!

I say it every week but…. TGIF!

We made it!

I’m so glad it’s the weekend. I’ve been extremely tired this week. So tired that as I was doing my make-up yesterday morning, I couldn’t figure out why the cap to my concealer wouldn’t fit back on. It took several tries before I finally realized my error.

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I had a good, maniacal, sleep deprived laugh at myself.

Why am I so tired?

Funny you should ask. I’ve been on the GO lately. I spent almost all of August housesitting for family and friends. This past weekend, I went all out to host a Bachelorette Party for one of my best friends.

*Warning, if you’re under the age of 18 please be advised that you’ll see some phallic images after the cut. I’m not your Mom, so I don’t care what you see. Just giving you a heads up. Pun intended.

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Friday Five – Blog love, chest tats and more!

Another week has come and gone!

For almost the entire month of August I’ve been living like a gypsy, housesitting/pet-sitting for friends and family. Even though I love to go out and be surrounded by friends, I need my alone time. I’ve had a chance to catch up on some of my summer reading,  watched even MORE Netflix than usual, and I’ve managed to get some colour on my sickly, alabaster, translucent skin.

I’m looking forward to the weekend because I’ll be celebrating my 28th birthday (which is actually next Tuesday) with my closest friends!

I don’t want cake, no presents, no hoopla or attention, I just want all of my favourite people in one room, completely tanked. That would be the best present of all!

Before I can get started on my weekend celebrations, let me share with you 5 things I’m loving this week!

Lola Evie Love

My best friend, Marie, just launched a blog to document her growing family. I may be biased because it features my nieces, but Lola Evie Love is perfection. When talking to Marie about her plans for the blog, she told me how excited she was to have a creative outlet that focuses on family.

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Photo by Nathan Nash Source Lola Evie Love

I may not have kids, but one of my guilty pleasures is mommy-blogs. I can’t get enough. Marie and I always talk about our favourite sites and bloggers and really admire when people are honest and open about how hard it is to be a parent sometimes. Babies cry, there are temper tantrums and sleepless nights, but at the end of the day family really is the most important thing in the world.

I consider Marie, Nathan and their daughters to be my family! I’m so unbelievably proud and excited for Lola Evie Love!

Visit them at www.lolaevielove.com

 Jessie James Decker – Lights Down Low

I’ve been coming at you hard with country music. #SorryNotSorry

One of my favourite people/artists/women just dropped a new single and it’s EVERYTHING. Jessie is married to uber babe and NFL player Eric Decker, which is the ultimate in relationship goals. Having followed their careers for a loooong time now I can safely say this new single is 100% Jessie, 100% addictive, 100% fantastic.

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And if you’re not into country music then just creep her Instagram and have serious hair envy.

Click here to listen on Spotify

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Friday Five: Channing Tatum, Kim Kardashian and more!

I get really excited for Fridays. It’s my new Christmas Eve because I’ve got the same childlike anxiousness and I’m annoyingly happy, but there’s no family dysfunction and crying alone in the bathroom. This week I was blessed with a stat holiday to celebrate Canada day, so I feel spoiled that tomorrow’s already another day off!

Spoiled…but not as spoiled as America. Seriously, you guys have it so great.* A three day weekend with all the pomp and circumstance once could ask for? AND HOTDOGS? Amazing.

This week’s Friday Five is pop culture driven (as is my life) so let me share with you what I’m loving this week…

1. Channing Tatum

I’m not someone who’s usually influenced by dreams. Every once and a while I’ll have a really weird dream and wake up really confused, but I don’t put much stock into them. HOWEVER, I am easily influenced by dreams when they’re about people, case in point: Channing Tatum.

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He’s shirtless, holding a cat and eating pizza… the holy trinity of hotness in my books.

Prior to July 1st I was not a Channing Tatum fan. I got the appeal, but I just wasn’t registering any attraction below my belly button. Then Tuesday night I have a dream that Channing and I are grocery shopping (so many of my dream dates take place in the grocery store, probably because I go to bed hungry) and then BAM! I wake up wanting to binge watch all of his movies. I’m not at all ashamed to say I watched The Vow on Canada Day…twice.

This weekend Magic Mike XL opens in theatres. Would it be weird if I went alone, so long as I kept my hands visible at all times?

2. Kim Kardashian on the cover of Rolling Stone

The beauty of Kim Kardashian is that she fails to take every opportunity to present herself as a feminist icon. She’s an exhibitionist, unapologetic about her body or her decisions to flaunt her assets, but when it comes to actually SAYING something relative to feminist issues or frankly, ANY issue, she’s a swing and a miss.

Kim says in the new issue of Rolling Stone :

“I’ve never really been one on labels, and I don’t like to push my view,” Kardashian says. “If I feel something, it’s how I feel. I never say, ‘I feel this way, so you should feel that way.’ Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I just am who I am. But, yeah.” She smiles. “I think you would call me a feminist.”

Kimmy.

Help me, help you. Help me get people to like you. Help me, get people to take you seriously. Help me get people to stop looking at your boobs and bum.

I love this about Kim Kardashian (which is why she’s on my Friday Five list). For all the media training and the interview prep and the glitz and glam, she’s just kind of… out to lunch. Out to lunch with perfect make-up and hair.

3. Friday Night Lights

I totally missed the opportunity to jump on the FNL bandwagon back in 2006. I avoided teen television at all costs back then. I was never an OC girl, but I did dabble in a little One Tree Hill for a while.

Thanks to Netflix and the fact that I have absolutely way too much time on my hands, I have the chance to fall in love with Tim Riggins and essentially pretend to redo my early twenties! WOO!

I’m only on episode 9 of the first season but I’ve already got it bad for the broody delinquent Riggins. That hair, amirite?

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4. Amy Schumer

This Buzzfeed list of the 20 Times Amy Schumer Completely Understood You is perfection. I love her brash, unfiltered style.

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5. Happy Birthday, Tom Cruise

Last year I went on a Twitter campaign to become Tom Cruise’s new wife. By campaign,  I mean I tweeted him daily and had zero response. I guess he didn’t like how openly I was willing to sacrifice my personal freedom and ideologies for a chance to walk red carpets and wear nice clothes. Given his track record one would think that would be exactly the type of thing he would be looking for in a woman, but oh well.

I still love Tom, despite his ass-backwards beliefs. Maybe I think we could work  because I zone out whenever someone talks about space Whatever. Nobody said celebrities had to be smart, right?

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Happy 53rd birthday, Tom. You sold your soul to a space devil and remain perpetually young and in my heart forever!

*Aside from health insurance, gun control laws, reproductive rights, the rest of the world thinking poorly of you (not me though), tuition costs, poverty and unemployment rates, national debt… ugh. should I continue?

Happy Fri-yay

Happy Friday, WordPressers!

Just eight more hours and then it’s an elastic-waist pant party!

I must admit, I’m incredibly jealous of my teacher friends who are on March Break next week. I’m even more jealous of one friend in particular *cough cough* Sarah *cough* who will be vacationing with her hubby in MEXICO for the next seven days.

Ugh! Take me with you! That wouldn’t be weird at all. We could tell everyone we’re Sister Wives and I’ll sleep outside like Mowgli from the Jungle Book.

That’s enough. I think I’ve made everyone awkward enough.

Here’s my Friday TWO! Normally I would post a Friday Five and share things that I’m loving, but this week my life has been stressful and exciting (more details later) so I can only think of TWO things to talk to you about.

1. Richard Madden

He looks like pocket sized perfection.

Google says Madden is 5″11, which is internet speak for 5″7, but Scottish Bae is so delish I’ll gladly enter in a relationship where we can swap jeans and climb on counters to reach objects on high shelves. GLADLY.

Plus, and I think some of you might disagree with me on this one…chest hair.

 

I love chest hair. I’m not into head to toe Wookie status, but I’m A-OK with a tease above a shirt collar. I’m like a cat pawing on a rug to get comfortable.

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It’s manly! It says, “Hey girl, I don’t conform to societal beauty standards for men, and I don’t think you should conform to any either. I like your day 2 leg stubble. Let’s cuddle.”

*lights cigarette, turns on Letterman*

2. Kathy Griffin

If you’re female and a fan of stand-up, which I am, you know that Griffin is the reigning Queen (RIP Joan Rivers).

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I was skeptical for Griffin to join Fashion Police, considering Fashion Police is balls, but I went along with it and trusted in Griffin’s judgment.  Sadly, not even a ginja-ninja could save that sinking ship, and Griffin announced her exit last night with this message.

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How bad-ass is that?

How ON BRAND is she?

Authentic. Hilarious. Boss babe.

 

Girl talk & tea : Let’s distract ourselves

I was going to do a Friday countdown, but then I decided “No, let’s just talk about girl things without structure.”

I feel good about this decision.

Ok, first of all.  I have to say, that the 16 year old in me is freaking out about Benji Madden & Cameron Diaz being engaged. Not only because I intensely dislike when people of mismatched heights hook up/date/marry/stand next to one another, but because it’s Benji Madden. Good f*cking Charlotte!

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Blah blah blah be happy for people in love yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I don’t need to pretend here. This pairing makes no sense for 2014. 2003? Yes. 2014?  No. Ugh. What am I saying. I love when mismatchers get together. I love when people don’t understand love. I don’t get it, but I love that I don’t get it.

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Did you hear Selena Gomez lost her shit at T-Swift’s 25th birthday? I love it. I imagine she was drinking.

You’ve been this girl. I’ve been this girl. We’ve all been this girl. Sometimes I’m STILL this girl. *ahem* last Christmas. You’re out, celebrating with your friends, you get on your phone, see something on social media, have a little too much white wine and all of a sudden you’re crying in a bathroom. It happens. Shrug it off. You’re a young millionaire. You probably don’t have any STI’s yet, GO NUTS.

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What else…what else….

Britney’s Women’s Health Magazine!

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To be honest, I’m just glad it looks like Britney showered…on her own…without a nurse present. She looks the best I’ve seen her in years. That nose contouring? Flawless. I’m always envious because I feel like at certain times my nose looks like a penis, so I’m a huge fan of this look. (PS, If you’re ever bored and want to feel good about yourself, search #makeuptransformation or #beforeandafter on Instagram).

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I don’t want to talk shit about Brit, just because she’s a childhood staple, but I’m happy she’s looking coherent, lucid and healthy. Those hip tats, though. A reminder to us all that the tattoos we choose in our youth….are something we need to live with until we can afford to have them removed.

I used to go to the video store, rent Britney Spears concert DVD’s and do crunches in front of the television. Then things kind of went South for BritBrit and the whole time I kept thinking, “We will overcome! We will prevail!” and it’s taken…seven years but we finally did it! She’s back!