This Sunday, December 6th is the beginning of Hanukkah.
The Kick-off to Hanukkah? The launch of Hanukkah?
Whatever. It’s night one.
Although I’m not one of God’s Chosen People, I’ve been declared the “Most-Jewish Non-Jew” by my friends because of my fascination with this ethno-religion, my love for the TV show, The Nanny and the brief period of my life between the ages of nine and eleven where I was a dead ringer for Anne Frank, no pun intended.
A few years ago, I was in an off-and-on relationship with a Jewish guy, and although I was his shiksa secret who was never invited to family dinners, I thought it would be a good idea to infuse his eight crazy nights with a little sex appeal.
Listen, despite my foul language and uncouth behaviour when intoxicated, I’m admittedly prudish. However, there have been times when I’ve had to conquer my fears and buy condoms or visit an adult shop and I’ve found the experiences to be mortifying but somehow key in my personal growth.
Anyways, back to the ‘Brews. So, I blame the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show for most things, but one year, I was like, “Hey, wouldn’t some holiday lingerie be a super cute?” (and super expensive, btw.) I went to La Senza, a Canadian lingerie brand, and awkwardly hovered around the bra and panty sets.
“Can I help you?” A bubbly salesgirl appeared out of nowhere, conjured by the prospect of commission. “Are you looking for something in particular?”
I began to sweat, upper lip sweat too. “I’m looking for something festive. I’ve never really bought anything…seasonal before.”
“We have so many cute things this year, what kind of look are you going for? Sexy, Sweet?”
Red and green? Too Santa’s Little Helper. Black and Gold? Too New Years Eve Escort. Red and White? Too Candy Striper/Stripper. I was getting overwhelmed and anxious. To me, bras should be black, nude, or white. Functional and not flashy. Get the job done, you know?
I picked up two lingerie sets and held them in front of me. “Which one says, ‘Happy Hanukkah’ to you?”
The girl looked back and forth at the two options in front of her. I tried to imagine her thought process, “Hmm, this one’s too Christian…”
“That one,” She said, pointing to a black and red lace set. Surprisingly, I too thought it looked the most Hanukkah-ish.
It turns out, Hanukkah bras can also be converted to a Christmas bra after your former Jewish squeeze tosses you aside for a lawyer named Rachel.
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.
Although it didn’t work out for me and Moishe, I see a niche marketing opportunity for lingerie. Maybe a bra that you can light on fire and not burn yourself, or a bra that takes you eight nights to take off so your tits are as free as your people when they did their exodus from Egypt, and appreciative just like your ancestors.
They need to be a thing.