Breaking News: Toronto, Ontario
A Canadian woman tragically lost her libido after a brief glance at Adam Levine’s bald head. This no longer sexual being is just one of many who are suffering in the wake of Levine’s latest look. The Maroon 5 singer debuted his peach fuzz Monday night on the hit NBC television show The Voice, cooling many loins in it’s wake.
“All I wanted to do was watch The Voice. I turned on my television, saw Adam Levine and all of a sudden I just went numb from the waist down. ” Elizabeth Regina, 28, of Hamilton, Ontario told reporters during a press conference. “He had no hair. I close my eyes at night and I just keep seeing his forehead. It’s horrible.”
Friends of Elizabeth tried to frantically revive her libido by streaming music videos by Sam Hunt and Nick Jonas. After approximately 20 minutes without so much as a tingle in her lady pringle, she was taken to hospital where doctors pronounced her libido as permanently deceased.
“Unfortunately, authorities received several calls of distress similar to Elizabeth’s before The Voice went to it’s first commercial break last night,” said Sue Jeffries, a representative from Hamilton General Hospital. “We weren’t equipped to handle the overflow of patients. We had to warn nurses and doctors not to Google Levine’s bald head as reference. We don’t know what would happen if our medical professionals suddenly became incapacitated as well.”
The Red Cross and FEMA are confirming, as many suspected, that the number of casualties is expected to measure in the hundreds of thousands by the end of today.
Dr. Brian Butler of Johns Hopkins University, says the effects of Levine’s new look may have a long lasting impact around the world. “We’re facing a potentially global population problem,” writes Butler in an exclusive e-mail to Honestly, Libby. “If Adam Levine doesn’t grow back his hair, women everywhere might never want to have sex again.”
In a broadcast that interrupted Monday night’s episode of the voice, President Barack Obama urged Americans to remain calm. “We are a nation filled with hope. We will overcome. With patience and determination, we will wait until Adam Levine’s hair returns to it’s coal colored, disheveled splendor. Brighter days are ahead.”
Hollywood heavyweights Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel and Jason Statham have been designated by UNICEF as Goodwill ambassadors in light of yesterday’s outbreak. These bald headed celebrities will be visiting hospitals around the world to try to bring comfort to ailing victims.
“We just want them to know it’s possible to love someone who’s bald.” Willis told reporters. “Baldness can be attractive.”
Unfortunately, Elizabeth Regina and thousands like her, are finding it hard to remain positive. “I keep punching myself in my legs, hoping to feel something – anything. I’ve worn my tightest pants, and have been re-watching all five seasons of Game of Thrones, but there’s still nothing.”
Levine did not provide a response at press time. Honestly, Libby will continue to follow this story as it develops.
If you would like to donate to the Adam Levine Rogain Relief fund, visit http://www.folliclesofhope.com/AdamLevine
*Obviously these quotes are fake. But if you or someone you know has lost their libido, you're in my prayers.