Month: October 2015

Let’s Discuss: Halle Berry and Gwen Stefani

This is kitchen table talk. It’s rainy and miserable for the second day in a row here in the GTA  (Greater Toronto Area) and I’m sipping a hot tea. Which means…. we need to talk trash about celebrities as if they’re our friends.

Halle Berry files for divorce from Olivier Martinez…

This is Halle’s THIRD divorce and second baby-daddy. She’s 49 years old. Personally I find her a little boring, and I can tell she’s been hurting for work lately because really, what was the last GOOD Halle Berry movie? Monster’s Ball? Did anyone even see Monster’s Ball or do you just know about it because she won the Oscar for it. Personally, I think her best work was BAPS (Black American Princesses), everything else is just a paycheck.

Halle Berry is gorgeous, but I feel like a real bitch because everyone’s like “Oh, how does she keep in such good shape?”

Really? Do some research. She’s diabetic. She has no choice but to leave chocolate alone. That’s just being smart.

Do you ever have that friend who’s really pretty and successful but for whatever reason, sucks at love?

I do. Her name’s Jennifer Lopez.

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These two are kind of on the same level here. Both have three divorces under their belt, both are successful in their own right, with two babies at home. I think there’s GOT to be something shady about Jennifer and Halle. They need therapy or Jesus, because whatever they’re doing relationship wise, just isn’t working.

I think Halle needs a break from men, and needs to focus on getting a job worth a Golden Globe or at LEAST an Emmy.

Priorities, girl.

Another girl we go way back with, Gwen Stefani, is making the rounds with shitty music about her divorce. Yes, I called it shitty. Because you know what? It’s shitty. It’s NOWHERE as good as “What You Waiting For” or “Cool”.

Gwen finalized her divorce from Gavin Rossdale this week and has been doing promo for The Voice with her co-stars on any and every talk show in the Western world.

Have you seen the video for  “Used To Love You”?

Painful. Cringe worthy.

She’s beautiful, offbeat and an icon for our times (No Doubt was everything to me back in the 90s), but she’s either got to hire better song writers or start hanging around Taylor Swift, because her new music is disappointing.

Gwen’s not… she’s just… she looks hungry. Maybe if the rumors of her and Blake Shelton hooking up are true he can get her to indulge in a rack of ribs or something. Let her roots grow in. Slam a few beers back.

She needs to mix it up because 2005 stuff isn’t working for 2015.

Girls. Take a break. Focus on work. Binge watch Gilmore Girls and have a wallow day.

Wow, I sound so mean these days. But I’m not, I swear I’m just so tired. Hence the tea, and smack talk.

Ok, what do you think?

Let’s discuss these newly single ladies. What should they do next? What shouldn’t they do? Who should they date?

SPILL!

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Struggles of a Canadian Halloween

It’s less than a week away!

On Halloween night, for one night only, the dead are free to walk among the living!

Oh, the excitement. I can feel it in the air. Candy is plentiful, unlike the North American supply of Nair as college girls everywhere prepare to strip down to their birthday suits all in the name of All Hallow’s Eve.

You go, slutty pumpkin! You do you, girl.

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Slut shaming aside, it’s important to remember the children of the North this October 31st. I’m talking about the millions of kids who every year have their freedom of choice for Halloween costumes stolen from them because of Northern October temperatures.

Growing up in Ontario, I know first hand that Halloween can be ruined by Mother Nature and that son-of-a-bitch who gives you raisins instead of chocolate (Oh, I haven’t forgotten you Mr. Kowalski, I never forget my enemies).

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When deciding what to be for Halloween, I had to factor a turtleneck and long johns into the decision making process. It wasn’t uncommon for my mother to buy me a costume two sizes too big to ensure my winter coat could fit underneath my witch’s dress.

To avoid having my costume ruined by weather appropriate clothing, I considered anything above 5 degrees Celsius to be “T-shirt weather” and have bravely come down with pneumonia all in the name of collecting what’s mine.

I gave a Meryl Streep worthy performance during the massive shit-fit I threw when my Mom insisted I wear gloves with my costume, or sweatpants under my princess dress. I had artistic integrity. I was a method actor on Oct. 31st. No princess would be caught dead in sweatpants!

We would compromise on three layers of pantyhose and I would confidently leave my house feeling like royalty, only to have the cold air hit me and immediately make me feel like I was going to pee my pants.

Ladies, back me up here. When you have to pee, pantyhose are like a tight hug from the devil himself. You can’t shimmy out of those things fast enough.

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1993 – She-Ra Princess of Power

I’ve gone Trick-or-Treating in the snow, and I’ve seen many people dressed as Santa Claus knocking on doors for candy, or children wearing balaclava’s dressed as bank robbers. Those kids were the lucky ones; their faces weren’t frozen to the point of facial paralysis. You know how many times I had snot dripping down my face as I smiled at a stranger’s door while Trick or Treating? Too many to count, that’s how many.

We toughed it out. We tasted the salty snot and we kept motoring.We persevered. When I see a kid at my door wearing a cute animal onesie as a costume, my first reaction is, obviously, “Aw,” but my next reaction is to tell them to buck-up, look alive, eat some snot. That’s why my immune system is so strong. Halloween snot. Then I give their parents a disapproving look, and tell them to hit the bricks. Come back when you’re ready to play with the big boys (and girls).

giphy (4) This Saturday, October 31st, it’s supposed to be 6 degrees Celsius. You know what that means, kids.

T-shirt weather.

Dress accordingly.

Hello! Adele’s back, and she’s breaking your heart (again)

It’s been a few years since her last album. I’ve had time to heal from “Someone Like You.” I can now successfully listen to that heart wrenching song and not be sent into rib crushing sobs.

Now, just in time for your latest break-up, she’s back and better than ever.

Whenever I see the winged eye-liner, the cheek contouring, the voluminous hair… It makes me nervous. I get all weird like an animal before a storm, because I’m 100% positive I’m not emotionally stable enough to handle an Adele ballad.

Take a listen to her new single and then let’s talk.


Did you cry? Did you want to cry,  but you’re at work and not successful enough to have an office with four walls? Yeah. Me either. You gotta keep your shit together when you sit in a cubicle.

That girl is #blessed with a beautiful voice.

What do you think?

Things that make you go “NOPE!”

I’m in the first 24 hours of Red Wedding Week, which means everyone around me is treading lightly like they’re looking for landmines with Princess Diana. If I don’t constantly have a chocolate bar or cookie in my hand, I’m a miserable human being to be around.

Since I’m hormonal and volatile, I obviously thought, “Why not channel this ovarian rage into a blog post?”

DONE.

Here’s a list of things I’m irrationally hating this week.

Zooey Deschanel reveals the name of her baby girl to be Elsie Otter.

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NOPE.

Really? An Otter? Is that a family name? Unless it’s after a relative who fled Eastern Europe during the Holocaust, that’s a dumb name to give to your baby. In fact…

People who name their babies after animals – NOPE.

Bear. Birdie. Raven. Hawk. Phoenix. Fox.

I don’t even like the name Joey because it makes me think of Kangaroos. Sure, it’s cute to say, “This is our little baby Bear” but in 20 years when Bear’s applying for a job, I’m worried he’s going to wear his best Birkenstocks and shirt made of hemp to the interview.

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People who Instagram pictures of themselves doing Yoga – NOPE.

There’s nothing zen and in the moment of you asking your friend to get out of warrior pose and snap your picture. You’re not searching for balance and inner peace, you’re thirsty for likes. Buddha’s judging you.

Drake’s Turtleneck – NOPE

Like all girls within a 100km radius of Toronto, I for sure have a lady hard-on for Drake. What I refuse to accept is that he’s trying to bring back the turtleneck for men in his video Hotline Bling. Not just a turtleneck, a chunky knit turtleneck of 98 Degrees proportions. I’m not against people keeping their necks warm, but I will not stand by and let the early 2000’s come back into fashion. If we let this happen we’re opening the door for bedazzled boot-cut jeans and studded belts.

I won’t stand for it.

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#NormalizeBreastfeeding – NOPE

This hashtag drives me up the wall. Normalize breastfeeding? I can’t think of anything that’s MORE normal than breastfeeding a baby. Seriously. There was literally a point in history when there was a woman, in your village or town, whose job was to breastfeed babies that weren’t even her own. It’s called a Wet Nurse.

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This is you, 300 years ago  Source

Just like I don’t enjoy when people Instagram food, I don’t enjoy people who post pictures of themselves breastfeeding their children. I get it, it’s natural. It’s good for your baby, and all those who don’t breastfeed will burn in the fiery depths of hell (yeah right), but please. I came on Instagram for two reasons :

  1. To stalk randoms and celebrities with beautiful hair and to feel like shit about my life
  2. Kittens

That’s it.

I want to have unrealistic ideas about other people’s lives, and I want to look at foster kittens. I don’t want to interrupt your child’s dinner. Frankly, it’s rude. No phones at the dinner table. Have some manners.

So, that’s me for the next 4-6 days. If anyone needs me I’ll be in bed by 5pm with a giant bag of Skinny Pop binge watching American Horror Story.

I bid you farewell.

NOTE:

To all the babies and future babies named after animals, I’ll still love you.

Today’s Menu: Neck beard, sweat, and feelings

Happy Monday, y’all.

I started this day like most Mondays: making the Sophie’s Choice between doing my hair or my makeup because I woke up late for work and hiding in the office kitchenette with a pair of scissors contemplating an “accident” to score me the day off of work.

God has a plan, kids. He knows what we need on a Monday…and He is good.

Because the big man or woman (let’s be real) upstairs sent us a gift on this fine October Monday:

The new Sam Hunt music video “Break Up In a Small Town.”

Watch here, and let’s talk.

I think we should all appreciate the artistry of this video. Obviously the burning house is a metaphor for my loins.  It was like the Eminem Love The Way You Lie video but way hotter. Eminem would need like SEVEN Megan Fox’s and a shit ton more upper body work to compete with this video.

Confession:

I’m a beard-slut. My friends all know it. I’ve embraced it. It’s a fact that I love a good beard. But today, I laid eyes on the best/worst neck beard of all time. You just know that his neck beard smelled like sweat, AXE body spray, and for whatever reason, paprika.

I am healed.

I’ve been so stressed out, so inside my own head I thought my lady oven was just an easy-bake with a rinky dink light bulb taking like, 14 hours to warm up the whole egg factory. It turns out, I just lacked neck beard this entire time!

Alright. I digress. This post wasn’t even planned (obviously). I’ll be back later this week once I’ve had several cold showers.

Have a great day!!!

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Friday Five – Thanksgiving, American Horror Story, Gigi Hadid and more!

Happy Friday!

It was a short work week here in Canada due to last weekend being Thanksgiving!

I hope you Canuck’s got a chance to eat some yummy food, be with your loved ones and watch the Blue Jays kick serious baseball ass! Woo! One step closer to the World Series!

I’m not a huge sports fan but I’m a huge fan of athletes…amirite ladies?

Here’s what I’m loving about this week…

Thanksgiving!

We’ve had some health issues in our family recently (luckily my Grandpa’s on the mend), so this Thanksgiving there was no concrete plan for holiday dinners. I was lucky enough to be invited to Marie’s parent’s house for dinner, who have always made me feel like I’m one of their own.

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Marie’s Mom is an AMAZING cook. I always leave with a full belly and full heart, with her cooking reminding me of my Nani’s classic Italian recipes. Everything is full fat, butter and fried…it’s delicious!

American Horror Story: Hotel

Ok. So here’s where you’re going to think I’m a bit of a blasphemer. When I was a Religious Studies major in University without any spiritual ties, I decided to create my own personal Holy Trinity for shits and giggles. I’m half joking, half serious when I say, that my personal equivalent of the Holy Spirit is Lady Gaga – a colourful, ever changing, powerful life force …with fabulous wigs.

I’m now watching AHS: Hotel starring Gaga and although I’m not sold on this season, I am pleasantly surprised by Gaga’s acting chops. GIRL can sell being a vampire like it’s nobody’s business. Which…yes, is in direct opposition to the lightness that is everything heavenly, but still. It’s my theology and I’m sticking with my choice!

Are you watching American Horror Story?

It’s perfectly timed for Halloween. Check it out so we can chat!

Gigi Hadid in Elle Canada

I was in at the salon getting my roots colored, because I’m white already at 28, when I picked up the latest issue of Elle Canada with supermodel of the moment, Gigi Hadid, on the cover.

While my opinions on Ms. Hadid were that she was just a pretty face with rich parents and a  famous boyfriend. I must confess I was thoroughly impressed by her interview with the mag. Hadid is a PR superstar, knowing the value of building relationships with industry professionals and fans alike. It’s rare that you see a celebrity, a young celebrity at that, be a consummate professional.

If you’re looking for some brain and eye candy, check out the article here!

Carrie Underwood – Heartbeat

I’m always pushing Country music. Sorry, not sorry, y’all!

The second single from Underwood’s soon to be released album, Storyteller, features Sam Hunt’s vocals on the chorus.

Yup. That Sam Hunt. The one that makes my loins burst into flames like a head full of hairspray near an open flame.

The song is a typical country tune, about nights under the stars and slow dancing near a river, but it’s one you definitely need to check out!

Take a listen!


and finally…..

Angelina Jolie for Vogue

Remember that personal Holy Trinity I mentioned earlier? Here’s my walking, talking, raven haired, Jesus.

I adore Angelina Jolie for so many reasons besides her blessed bone structure. Jolie is open about her personal life, but not for the sake of entertainment. She shares her vulnerability to connect with others and uses her fame to bring attention to her humanitarian efforts. Hollywood’s most glamorous A-Lister is spends her time with the poorest of the poor, and she does it with grace.

Personally, I admire Jolie because she transitioned from this wild child to a humanitarian and mother. For me this has always been admirable because it reminds me that we are not our past, and we can become whatever or whoever it is we want to be!

Check out Angelina on the latest cover of Vogue, with photos featuring the entire Jolie-Pitt clan here!

Woman’s sex drive dies, Adam Levine’s baldness to blame

Breaking News:  Toronto, Ontario

A Canadian woman tragically lost her libido after a brief glance at Adam Levine’s bald head. This no longer sexual being is just one of many who are suffering in the wake of Levine’s latest look. The Maroon 5 singer debuted his peach fuzz Monday night on the hit NBC television show The Voice, cooling many loins in it’s wake.

“All I wanted to do was watch The Voice. I turned on my television, saw Adam Levine and all of a sudden I just went numb from the waist down. ” Elizabeth Regina, 28,  of Hamilton, Ontario told reporters during a press conference. “He had no hair. I close my eyes at night and I just keep seeing his forehead. It’s horrible.”

Friends of Elizabeth tried to frantically revive her libido by streaming music videos by Sam Hunt and Nick Jonas. After approximately 20 minutes without so much as a tingle in her lady pringle, she was taken to hospital where doctors  pronounced her libido as permanently deceased.

“Unfortunately, authorities received several calls of distress similar to Elizabeth’s before The Voice went to it’s first commercial break last night,” said Sue Jeffries, a representative from Hamilton General Hospital. “We weren’t equipped to handle the overflow of patients. We had to warn nurses and doctors not to Google Levine’s bald head as reference. We don’t know what would happen if our medical professionals suddenly became incapacitated as well.”

The Red Cross and FEMA are confirming, as many suspected, that the number of casualties is expected to measure in the hundreds of thousands by the end of today.

Dr. Brian Butler of  Johns Hopkins University, says the effects of Levine’s new look may have a long lasting impact around the world. “We’re facing a potentially global population problem,” writes Butler in an exclusive e-mail to Honestly, Libby. “If Adam Levine doesn’t grow back his hair, women everywhere might never want to have sex again.”

In a broadcast that interrupted Monday night’s episode of the voice, President Barack Obama urged Americans to remain calm. “We are a nation filled with hope. We will overcome. With patience and determination, we will wait until Adam Levine’s hair returns to it’s coal colored, disheveled splendor. Brighter days are ahead.”

Hollywood heavyweights Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel and Jason Statham have been designated by UNICEF as Goodwill ambassadors in light of yesterday’s outbreak. These bald headed celebrities will be visiting hospitals around the world to try to bring comfort to ailing victims.

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Willis: Bald is Beautiful source

“We just want them to know it’s possible to love someone who’s bald.” Willis told reporters. “Baldness can be attractive.”

Unfortunately, Elizabeth Regina and thousands like her, are finding it hard to remain positive. “I keep punching myself in my legs, hoping to feel something – anything. I’ve worn my tightest pants, and have been re-watching all five seasons of Game of Thrones, but there’s still nothing.”

Levine did not provide a response at press time. Honestly, Libby will continue to follow this story as it develops.

If you would like to donate to the Adam Levine Rogain Relief fund, visit http://www.folliclesofhope.com/AdamLevine

*Obviously these quotes are fake. But if you or someone you know has lost their libido, you're in my prayers.

I totally clicked those NSFW photos of Justin Bieber…

Ok, I’ll first start by saying it’s an invasion of privacy for celebrities to be photographed by paparazzi. That being said…

I totally looked at the full frontal photos of Justin Bieber while he was on holiday in Bora Bora.

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Guilty!

Curiosity got the better of me. I’m not really a Justin fan, but since I’m also an Ontario native, I’ve always felt some kind of older, step- sisterly affection for him. (I said step to make it less weird that I saw his peeno).

It was a moment.

I’m not going to lie to you.

First of all, those pics must have been taken from space or something.

I was like…

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Thankfully, the good people of the internet zoomed in.

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I had to assess the situation.

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I mean…

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We’ve all been through this. Sometimes your surprise is no bueno. Things get heated, you’ve had some wine, people are taking off articles of clothing. All of a sudden it’s like Christmas and you’re thinking, “What did I get? What’d I get?”

And then… well.

You know the rest.

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But NOT TODAY, ladies and gentlemen!

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I know, I’m gross.

We’ve probably seen bigger, we’ve definitely seen smaller. I think the general consensus is “Good for you, Justin.” At least we all know how, despite the endless criticism from the media, Justin remains so confident, right?

I won’t link to the pictures because even though I snuck a peek, I don’t REALLY approve of this invasion of his privacy.

Apparently Justin’s really upset. . I would be upset, too if someone took photos of me nakey. Probably because I’d be like, “Let me pose! I wasn’t ready! I just ate dinner!” But, oh well. Compared to his legal trouble of yesteryear, I’d say this registers as a minor freak out.

This will all blow over. It’ll probably sell more records too, so. Relax, Justin.

You look fine.

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A Very Taylor Throwback: Counting down the best of Taylor Swift!

Taylor Swift is bringing the 1989 World Tour to Toronto, tomorrow!
I can’t maintain my chill. I’m ridiculously excited to dance the night away listening to some of my favourite Taylor tunes.
This week I had a legit nightmare that someone tried to make me choose between Taylor and Katy Perry. I woke up panicking. That’s the ultimate Sophie’s Choice.
To those who say I have to pick sides, I say: I’m a grown ass woman, I do what I want and right now, I want to listen to some Tay Swift and for a few hours shake off the worries of the world.
Well, my world. Sorry, Syria.
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I’ll be heading to the concert with Rebecca; the Taylor to my Abigail. We’ve been bff level friends for almost 10 years. In 2011, Rebecca and I headed into the city, stayed at a hotel which was probably the inspiration for the latest season of American Horror Story and saw TayTay during the Speak Now tour.
We wrote 13’s on our hands, threw up our heart signs to our girl and sang until our voices gave out.
I am SO excited to be spending another Taylor concert with Rebecca. It’s the ultimate girls night out.
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I know y’all love Taylor, so I thought this week I would do a throwback/Friday Five blend and list my favourite Taylor Swift songs of all time.
We’re crossing genres. We’re going back to sparkly dresses and wild crazy curls.
Let’s dive in, shall we?

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