Even though I have a mouth like a sailor and an undiagnosed personality disorder where I don’t recognized social boundaries, I’m surprisingly prudish.
My cousin and my sister make fun of me for being so awkward when it comes to nudity. I’m a never nude. I do the high school gym class change routine where I’ll shimmy out of my clothes without my parts ever seeing the light of day even when I’m alone.
The worst day of my life was when I had to have an ECG done at the hospital and had to lay topless in a room with a nurse for about half an hour while my breasts tried to take cover under my armpits (they’re real).
The nurse tried to calm my nerves, “It’s just us girls. Nothing I haven’t seen before.”
I was mortified.
I don’t even know how to be in the same room as people breastfeeding. Instead of watching the ceiling or inspecting my nails, I just stare straight at the boob and forget to blink.
Things just get weird for me. Which is why Rihanna’s latest video Bitch Better Have My Money was like exposure therapy. Boobs. Bums. Blunts. Everywhere.
Believe me when I say it’s NSFW. It’s over seven minutes long of girl on girl violence, exposed nipple and bouncing fake boobies. It’s kind of sweet, because in a way, watching the video you know there’s an eleven year old boy just discovering himself for the first time #milestone.
I enjoy Rihanna usually after three or four vodka soda’s, when all of a sudden Ke$ha and Justin Timberlake become my favourite musicians of all time. Riri’s not someone I would go out of my way to download, but I enjoy her when I’m a little tipsy and feeling a little badass.
I don’t think this video needs a second viewing by me, probably not until I’ve become more “European” in my view of nudity.
Until then I’ll sit wearing layers and layers of clothing listening to the audio version of the song, sipping skinny bitches and making finger guns at strangers.*
*I’m anti-gun, btw. Just felt I needed to clarify