All love is a lie, but on the upside Ben Affleck is single

Methinks I’m still in shock from this news, but the newspaper man in me was urging me to get a jump on this story and fill your newsfeed with worthless chitchat.

Ok.

Deep breaths. In through the nose…Out through the mouth…

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have called it quits.

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I never thought I would live to see this day. I mean, you hope for the best and you stick it out as the only person in your group of friends to think Jersey Girl was a great movie, but man. Life, right?  What a ride. What a ride, indeed.

I’ve never hidden my infatuation with Ben Affleck. I’ve dedicated entire posts to photos of Ben just walkin’ up and down the street. Sure, there are those stories about his gambling addiction and his love of strippers, but who doesn’t like a good game a black jack and a nice slice of ass crack in their face every once and a while?  I’ll make excuses for his bad behavior so long as Fruit of the Loom makes tight cotton t-shirts for him to wear. Really, people. I’m pulling a Hillary and just standing by my man with complete ulterior motives to profit from his status.

To show I have a soul:

It’s sad that Jen and Ben have called it quits. They have three small children and separation/divorce is never easy on the family unit.

Ok, that’s enough.

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Do you think JLo knows? Who do you think told her? I bet it was her mother Guadalupe. Lupe loves the Wendy Williams show and probably was like, “Punta, get your butt over to Hollywood and claim what’s yours. Te Quiero, mija!”

Do you think JLo and Ben will ever reunite? Oh gosh that would be too brilliant. I can at least see them meeting up for dinner. You know Jennifer would swoop in on that photo opportunity. She’s made shit movies and shit music lately, and Ben is a two time Oscar winner. LOOKS LIKE THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!

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What’s Jennifer going to do? She’s got a pretty good career of her own, but I can see her focusing all of her attention on her kids. I don’t expect a Vanity Fair tell all interview from her. If she does, I’ll be surprised and maybe a little disappointed … and also kind of impressed if she can throw shade. Garner was the badass from Alias and Daredevil, and lately she’s lost that kick-ass image and is more Senator’s wife than anything. She needs to sex it up and maybe not dress like she’s the only person left on the planet who shops at the Gap.

Ben’s going to be busy promoting the new Batman vs. Superman movie and will probably take up with one of Leonardo Di Caprio’s exes or someone equally young, blonde and of social climbing status.

Man, this is going to be juicy.

But again, very, very, very sad for the kids.

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6 comments

  1. No joke, I was waiting to see what your thoughts were regarding their breakup because it doesn’t make sense, at all! I get Tom and Katie, but these two are like together forever types. but LOL at Jlo watching them! XD

    Liked by 1 person

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