Matchmaker, Matchmaker: Nick Jonas edition

If you’re like me, you love a younger man (of consenting age, ladies).

They’re malleable, eager to learn, they have more energy, and don’t care if guys your own age consider you to be “bat shit crazy.” To them, psycho bitch behavior registers as “hot” or “spirited”.

Fresh on the scene of available young pups is Nick Jonas. It was announced today that the over-sexed, diabetic, six-pack-a-licious specimen and his girlfriend of two years, former beauty queen, Olivia Culpo, have called it quits.

Let’s take a moment to admire how ridiculously good looking these two were together.

NickOlivia

Ok, I’m over it.

Sure, she has great brows and I’m sure she’s a lovely person, but it’s time for Nick Jonas to Tarzan straight into his next high profile relationship.

Who should he date next?

I’m glad you asked.

Here are my top 5 picks for Jonas’ next leading lady

1. Miley Cyrus

Miley-Cyrus

Wouldn’t it be great if these two youngin’s reunited almost 10 years after their whirlwind Disney romance? We all know Miley had it bad for Nick. She penned (or helped pen) the song “See You Again” after her awkward s-s-stutter around the young heartthrob. C’mon. She’s wild enough to shake things up for Jonas who looks as though he’s been making love for the past two years on satin sheets to an Enya soundtrack (she looks like that girl, right?).

Please make this happen.

2. Taylor Swift

Taylor-Swift_glamour_12aug14_rexfeatures_b_592x888

Even though Swift is currently dating Calvin Harris, I would LOVE it if these two were at least pictured together holding hands at a club. With Joe Jonas watching. Scratch that – with Joe Jonas crying in a corner. Sure it would be a little gross considering Swift’s swapped spit with Nick’s older brother, but who cares? We’re all friends here, right? Ok, this one’s a little far fetched, but I tried it.

3. Hilary Duff

hilary-duff-2015-7

I’m keeping it in the Disney fam with this one. Hil’s fresh out of a divorce and has a small child. Nick is fresh out of a long term relationship and once WAS a small child. A soulful, sensitive guy with a hot body is just what Hilary needs to get back in the dating game. Even if it’s just for fun. They have a lot in common, having boy navigated the child-star world with minimal scandal, and both are more successful than their siblings. #sorrynotsorry

4. Rihanna

Rihanna---2015-Daily-Front-Row-Fashion-Los-Angeles-Awards--27

No hook-up list is complete without Riri. She looks like she could teach Nick a thing or two.

5. Jana Duggar

jana-duggar

This pairing is to get Jana the f*ck out of Arkansas. They could bond over Christianity and then Jana has a ticket to Hollywood where she can wear pants and escape the weirdness that has become her family. Jana’s already a rebel. She’s 25 and not married. She looks at the camera with sort of a “Get me out of here” glaze and I think Nick would be the perfect knight in shining armor for our favourite Duggar sister.

Nick, wherever you are, dry your tears. It’s going to be OK. If for any reason you forego my recommendations, you are always welcome to come over for adult sleepovers and sing songs from Les Mis with me.

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5 comments

  1. oh. my. god.
    so much yes! my vote goes to jana duggar for this one. i used to watch that trainwreck show when there were only 17 kids and i always felt bad for poor jana. she always seemed to know she’d be the spinster sister. a little nick jonas action might just do the trick for her. well, for anybody really. i mean, those abs.. amirite?

    Liked by 1 person

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