Month: April 2015

Crop tops for Jesus

Happy (Easter) Monday!

I’m not sure what happened today in the Bible to declare today Easter Monday, but whatever it was obviously wasn’t important enough to get me the day off. So, thanks for nothing, JC.

I hope you all had a great long weekend with your families and friends, celebrating whatever you want to celebrate (pastels, chocolate, Passover). I spent the weekend with family and friends, chocolate and vodka. All my favourites.

Anyways, somebody who celebrated Easter with her family was Kendall Jenner. Kenny and the Kardashian klan always* go to church. They love getting photographed going to church. They colour coordinate what they wear when they go to church. I love it, they love it. We all love it.

I’m not sure what kind of church they go to, but apparently it’s one that supports crop tops for Jesus. Yep. To pay her respects to the big man upstairs, Kenny wore a crop top.

Seriously? As if  you aren’t going to stand out enough as it is being a glamazon super famous model?

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My parents were only Catholics on paper, so they never encouraged me or my sister to go to church, but when we went for our First Communion or a funeral or to get some street cred for my Dad and all of his sins, you best believe we went dressed to the nines. Dresses. Tights. Shiny shoes. Little white gloves.

I’m out of the loop with the religious crowd, but I hear some churches are really relaxed with their dress code. I guess they just want people actually GOING to church, so they’ll take jeans and hoodies. Jesus totally would have worn jeans. He was the everyman!

** Side note, my high school used to have a statue of a “contemporary Jesus” that was holding a lamb over his shoulders and wearing jeans. Levi’s…or wranglers. Probably whatever Marks Work Warehouse had on sale. Seriously.

Anyways,

I get that churches just want people to come on Sunday and give money, don’t forget they want your money, but how fucked up is it that someone can think  dressing like Mary Magdalene at a disco on a Saturday night to go to church is a good idea?

C’mon Kenny.

You’re supposed to be the great hope of the family.

Me and Jesus expected more from you.

*whenever there are cameras

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A Modern Retelling of the Easter Story

It’s almost Easter!

I was raised Catholic and was weirdly SUPER stoked about it. I volunteered every year to rip palms at our parish for Palm Sunday so I could get out of class for a few days and blister my hands in exchange for free pop. I crowned Mary for May Crowning, I did readings during mass, I was in the choir…you get it. I was a fan-girl for Jesus.

Despite my beliefs evolving, I did my BA in Religious Studies and have these weird Catholic reflexes usually related to guilt, but whatever. I’m SO ready for the long weekend. Can’t wait for three days of rest and relaxation, before going back to work on Monday, which is exactly what Jesus did.

What’s that?  You’ve never heard this story?

You thought Easter was about chocolate and bunnies?

No friends, gather round. Let me tell you what really went down.

So, Jesus went on a dude’s weekend with his apostles to Jerusalem to celebrate Passover. They were super stoked to just relax, have dinner, ask the Four Questions and bro-out.

When Jesus gets to Jerusalem he goes to temple and sees that despite it being a holy day, there’s all these money changers there conducting business when they know they’re sure as shit not supposed to be there.

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Jesus was like, “WTF! You know you’re not supposed to be here, this is disrespectful, GTFO.”

But those money changers knew some powerful people and bitched about Jesus being dangerous to the Sanhedrin, which was like a Jewish court, and wanted him to be arrested. They start brewing this plan to arrest him and talk to Jesus’s buddy, Judas and are like, “If you tell us where Jesus is, we’ll make it worth your while.”

Money talks, guys. That’s all you need to know.

Meanwhile,  Jesus throws this really big dinner party for his friends and he pulled out all the stops. He got some unleavened bread, some wine, probably spent all the money he had because just like now, back in those biblical days, times were tough. I’m wearing cheap shoes, Jesus wore cheap sandals. We’re basically twins.

Anyways, so Jesus knows something is up and tells his bro’s that he knows he’s been betrayed. Judas start’s shitting his pants because he knows after dinner Jesus is going to be arrested.

After dinner Jesus goes outside for a breather and to touch base with his Dad in the Garden of Gethsemane, and the authorities show up. Jesus doesn’t pull a Cops move and bail, he takes it like a champ.

Judas gave Jesus this kiss of betrayal which is really weird, but I mean. Judas was weird.

Moving On!

So, he’s taken to this high priest Caiaphas, and there’s this “trial” which is bullshit because Jesus didn’t do anything wrong and the jury (Sanhedrin) knows it.

But Caiaphas is pissed and is like, “Dude you can’t fucking say that you’re the Son of God!”

But Jesus was all, “I am though, ask my Mom.”

Then Caiaphas and his crew go  to the Romans, the big guns, and asks Pontius Pilate to kill Jesus. Pontius Pilate doesn’t get the big deal, but wants to keep the peace and is like, “Alright, whatever.”

But THEN, because  it’s Passover, the Romans traditionally release one prisoner to the Jewish people and the crowd votes. Like, American idol style. It’s between Jesus and this dude named Barabbas, who is like a lifelong criminal, OG stuff.

Pontius says to the crowd, “Double tap who you want to live!”

And the crowd has fucked up priorities and says, “Barabbas!”

So now, Pilate says Jesus has to die.

They give Jesus this big wooden cross, beat the shit out of him and tell him to carry his own cross to Golgotha. The fucked up thing is this would be considered an exercise in cross-fit now, but Jesus struggled.

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He fell a few times which sucked, but some people in the crowd helped him out and he got to Golgotha.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but Jesus died and all of a sudden people cried and were sad. No fucking kidding you should feel bad.  Ugh.

So, like always, the women take over and clean his body and have Jesus taken to a tomb where the Romans have this  big ass stone in front of the tomb “just in case” and  guards are left there to keep watch .

Three days pass and a few of the village women were on their way to visit the tomb when they see the guards freaking out because there was a giant earthquake and the stone in front of the tomb had moved.

The guards go into the tomb and see these two angels (it doesn’t say if they were Victoria’s Secret angels, but I’m guessing they were) and the guards are all “Where did he go?”

And the angels are just like, “Dude just up and left. Go see for yourselves. “

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The women start freaking out at the guards and say, “YOU HAD ONE JOB!” and they run to go tell everyone else that Jesus is gone but Jesus stops them on the road.

One girl shouts, “OMFG”

Jesus just said, “I know, right?”

All the apostles were shocked and you know there’s always that one dude who’s like, “I knew it you guys, see, I knew it. I called it. Didn’t I? Don’t you remember?”

But Jesus was like, “You need to chill, and get to work because this shit ain’t over!”

Someone said, “What took you so long? Why 3 days?”

And Jesus just said, “You guys were stressing me out, man. I just needed to call a time-out on this resurrection thing otherwise I would have lost my shit on you and gone apocalyptic.”

Everyone felt really bad, and I’m guessing tried to give him chocolate to say they were sorry, which is why we have Easter eggs, because Easter tombstones didn’t quite catch on with Marketing.

So there you have it kids.

Now you know everything there is to know about Easter.

Enjoy this holiday with your loved ones!

Let’s Discuss: Hilary Duff

Yesterday, my friend Mel messaged me the following:

“Hi love! Um.. Hilary Duff?”

I love it. Cute pleasantry and then straight into pop culture fodder.

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Mel’s fashion minded, fashion forward, fashionable, you get it. She’s THAT friend. The one who will wear the crop top and flared pants and kill it, while I’m dressing like “Old Money” (translation: I dress like a total yuppie). Any who, when Mel has a fashion opinion, I listen- because I’m clueless and will judge everything on a scale of “How Much Does this Dress Look like a Disney Princess?”

Hint – the closer to Disney princess territory, the better!

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See?

Mel says this Hilary is try-hard with her new look.

I say, she’s doing what most newly divorced people do: fucking with their hairstyle and hitting the gym.

Here’s Hilary at the premiere of her new show Younger, which is getting decent reviews on Rotten Tomatoes (the measuring stick of all things film and television).  The show’s on the network TV Land… make of that what you will.

I’m not mad at this look. I think Hilary’s beautiful so, keep on doing whatever you want, Hil.

Makeup – perfection

Dress- take off your coat and you’re perfect

Shoes – different choice

Hair – ?

What do YOU say?

#BookTalk – Now with Extra Snobbery!

My Super Awesome Wicked Adventure is officially a month away!

In four weeks, my cousin and I will be traipsing around France and England, drinking cheap wine and impressing strangers with our awful French (Who knew the language could be butchered THAT badly?) and our affected Madonna accents (I just keep saying David Banda and Malawi over and over again in preparation).

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Loud and inappropriate in Paris: An Adventure Story

To say I’m excited is an understatement. I’m not well travelled. Shocking, I know. What gave it away? The fact that I talk obsessively about reality TV and put ketchup on everything? Judge not!  I’m completely lowbrow in almost every aspect of my life except with literature. I take my personal library seriously. I don’t often buy books purely for entertainment. I’m a complete knowledge junkie and judge you if you have a ton of beach reads on your shelf #snob.

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I’m already a huge fan of Camus, McEwan, Barnes and always have a soft spot for Hemingway and Fitzgerald (but who doesn’t?) so I’m creating a must read list for the trip to get me in the European mindset.

 Here’s my to read list for the trip:

Madame Bovary – Flaubert

Of Human Bondage – Maugham

Brideshead Revisited – Waugh

The Second Sex- de Beauvoir

and of course… I’ll be bringing my copy of A Moveable Feast with me so I can eat bread and cheese and read in the park like a complete cliché.

If you have suggestions GIMME!