Madonna Needs Young Souls to Stay Alive (alternatively titled Madonna performs at Coachella with Drake)

The sun was shining this morning, I was singing along with the radio on the way to work when I heard it.

“Madonna makes out with Drake onstage at Coachella”

If you listen carefully, you can hear the sound of penis’s recoiling around the world.  Imagine a scared cartoon turtle putting his head back into his shell. Same idea.

I hope somebody gave Drake some Listerine and one of those thingy’s from Men In Black to wipe his memory. Poor thing. Come home to Toronto, Boops. You’ll be safe here.

I throw a lot of shade at Madonna, but whatever, she’s Madonna she can take it. That girl is tired. Tired and dry. I can appreciate what Madge did for pop music 30 years ago, but I’m disappointed that she’s resorted to her old bag of tricks and fishnets.

Give me your favourite Madonna song. Was it released after 1996? No. I didn’t think so.

For the past few years (or decade) Madonna has relied on her proximity to other stars to sell her music/brand: Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, MIA and Nicki Minaj, now Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift and Drake. We need a REASON to pay attention to her, because her music doesn’t cut it anymore. She’s piggybacking off of the artists we care about to get us to double tap, like or tune in. She needs them, more than they need her. It seems like artists are happy to oblige Madonna because she’s an icon.

Madonna’s searching for relevance when she could rely on her status as a trailblazer for women in pop.

I feel like Madonna is the only one not aware of the fact that watching her perform is like watching a drunk aunt at a wedding grab the microphone and start singing. We clap because we have to respect our elders. We cheer her on to see what else she’ll do.

Over it.

NEXT!

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