A Modern Retelling of the Easter Story

It’s almost Easter!

I was raised Catholic and was weirdly SUPER stoked about it. I volunteered every year to rip palms at our parish for Palm Sunday so I could get out of class for a few days and blister my hands in exchange for free pop. I crowned Mary for May Crowning, I did readings during mass, I was in the choir…you get it. I was a fan-girl for Jesus.

Despite my beliefs evolving, I did my BA in Religious Studies and have these weird Catholic reflexes usually related to guilt, but whatever. I’m SO ready for the long weekend. Can’t wait for three days of rest and relaxation, before going back to work on Monday, which is exactly what Jesus did.

What’s that?  You’ve never heard this story?

You thought Easter was about chocolate and bunnies?

No friends, gather round. Let me tell you what really went down.

So, Jesus went on a dude’s weekend with his apostles to Jerusalem to celebrate Passover. They were super stoked to just relax, have dinner, ask the Four Questions and bro-out.

When Jesus gets to Jerusalem he goes to temple and sees that despite it being a holy day, there’s all these money changers there conducting business when they know they’re sure as shit not supposed to be there.

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Jesus was like, “WTF! You know you’re not supposed to be here, this is disrespectful, GTFO.”

But those money changers knew some powerful people and bitched about Jesus being dangerous to the Sanhedrin, which was like a Jewish court, and wanted him to be arrested. They start brewing this plan to arrest him and talk to Jesus’s buddy, Judas and are like, “If you tell us where Jesus is, we’ll make it worth your while.”

Money talks, guys. That’s all you need to know.

Meanwhile,  Jesus throws this really big dinner party for his friends and he pulled out all the stops. He got some unleavened bread, some wine, probably spent all the money he had because just like now, back in those biblical days, times were tough. I’m wearing cheap shoes, Jesus wore cheap sandals. We’re basically twins.

Anyways, so Jesus knows something is up and tells his bro’s that he knows he’s been betrayed. Judas start’s shitting his pants because he knows after dinner Jesus is going to be arrested.

After dinner Jesus goes outside for a breather and to touch base with his Dad in the Garden of Gethsemane, and the authorities show up. Jesus doesn’t pull a Cops move and bail, he takes it like a champ.

Judas gave Jesus this kiss of betrayal which is really weird, but I mean. Judas was weird.

Moving On!

So, he’s taken to this high priest Caiaphas, and there’s this “trial” which is bullshit because Jesus didn’t do anything wrong and the jury (Sanhedrin) knows it.

But Caiaphas is pissed and is like, “Dude you can’t fucking say that you’re the Son of God!”

But Jesus was all, “I am though, ask my Mom.”

Then Caiaphas and his crew go  to the Romans, the big guns, and asks Pontius Pilate to kill Jesus. Pontius Pilate doesn’t get the big deal, but wants to keep the peace and is like, “Alright, whatever.”

But THEN, because  it’s Passover, the Romans traditionally release one prisoner to the Jewish people and the crowd votes. Like, American idol style. It’s between Jesus and this dude named Barabbas, who is like a lifelong criminal, OG stuff.

Pontius says to the crowd, “Double tap who you want to live!”

And the crowd has fucked up priorities and says, “Barabbas!”

So now, Pilate says Jesus has to die.

They give Jesus this big wooden cross, beat the shit out of him and tell him to carry his own cross to Golgotha. The fucked up thing is this would be considered an exercise in cross-fit now, but Jesus struggled.

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He fell a few times which sucked, but some people in the crowd helped him out and he got to Golgotha.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but Jesus died and all of a sudden people cried and were sad. No fucking kidding you should feel bad.  Ugh.

So, like always, the women take over and clean his body and have Jesus taken to a tomb where the Romans have this  big ass stone in front of the tomb “just in case” and  guards are left there to keep watch .

Three days pass and a few of the village women were on their way to visit the tomb when they see the guards freaking out because there was a giant earthquake and the stone in front of the tomb had moved.

The guards go into the tomb and see these two angels (it doesn’t say if they were Victoria’s Secret angels, but I’m guessing they were) and the guards are all “Where did he go?”

And the angels are just like, “Dude just up and left. Go see for yourselves. “

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The women start freaking out at the guards and say, “YOU HAD ONE JOB!” and they run to go tell everyone else that Jesus is gone but Jesus stops them on the road.

One girl shouts, “OMFG”

Jesus just said, “I know, right?”

All the apostles were shocked and you know there’s always that one dude who’s like, “I knew it you guys, see, I knew it. I called it. Didn’t I? Don’t you remember?”

But Jesus was like, “You need to chill, and get to work because this shit ain’t over!”

Someone said, “What took you so long? Why 3 days?”

And Jesus just said, “You guys were stressing me out, man. I just needed to call a time-out on this resurrection thing otherwise I would have lost my shit on you and gone apocalyptic.”

Everyone felt really bad, and I’m guessing tried to give him chocolate to say they were sorry, which is why we have Easter eggs, because Easter tombstones didn’t quite catch on with Marketing.

So there you have it kids.

Now you know everything there is to know about Easter.

Enjoy this holiday with your loved ones!

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