Month: April 2015

Game of Thrones and Outlander (because modernity is overrated)

I was creeping blogs today reading fan theories about Game of Thrones, and stumbled across a gem that made me laugh out loud with joy.

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Amazing, right?

Like most people, I watched the leaked episodes in one sitting so I’m biding my time with Outlander until episode 5 of this season finally airs.

I’m not even going to lie to you, I have zero interest in the Game of Thrones books. I don’t want to read them and have the series spoiled or be that person taking to Facebook saying, “Actually, according to the books…” No. Those people need to get out before they get a kick to the shins.

I won’t post any “spoilers” but I’m curious if y’all are loving the new season?

Here are my thoughts, since nobody asked:

1. Cersei is everything .

I could watch Lena Heady smell a fart and it would be Oscar worthy. I need more Jamie/Cersei naked wrestling, because unlike you literalists, they are just two beautiful actors who happen to play twins on television. I’m a OK with their incest.

2. Brienne of Tarth needs to be on my side in a bar fight

I dig her androgyny. She could be Draco Malfoy’s older, nicer, kick-ass sister. If shit got real, I would be yelling, “Brienne!” unapologetically.

3. I’m over Khaleesi

We get it. Next.

4. More Sansa & Littlefinger

This brings back Lolita plot lines for me. I’m all about this pairing. Even though he basically betrayed her father and had him killed…

5. Jon Snow needs to man up

Get the hell away from the wall and do something interesting, please. And stop looking like you’ve just been hit in the nads. It’s nota  cute look for you.

Ok – one last thing.

OUTLANDER!

Have you not seen this show? Do you not like Scottish men and sex in a meadow?

This show is about a woman in the 1940’s who travels back in time to the 18th century and falls in love with a highlander named Jamie.

A ginger mega-babe. Which basically doesn’t exist. Bitch found a unicorn.

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Last night’s episode was wonderfully entertaining and can be summed up 3 words: “flaccid turtleneck dink”

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I won’t spoil for you because it JUST aired, but man oh man. There was some great character development last night and even though I was up passed my bedtime, I didn’t want the episode to end. I can almost understand why women like 50 Shades of Grey, because this show is my equivalent  only there’s no BDSM and not at all based on Twilight fan fiction. WHICH MEANS IT’S SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.

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What I Know For Sure

 Men will always be fascinated by a woman eating a banana.

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 There’s always going to be someone smarter than you, prettier than you or more successful than you. So find out who that person is and do one of two things:  Kick them in the box or make friends with them.

 You should never congratulate anyone on a pregnancy unless you are 1000% sure they are pregnant.

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The people who talk excessively about how great high school was are the people you want to avoid at all costs. Those people are living in the past, let them stay there.

 Asking another woman for a tampon is the easiest way to make a new friend.

 You are not your mistakes. You are your iTunes library: wonderfully eclectic with nothing to be ashamed of.

 You can’t fix stupid.

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 Followers aren’t friends, so stop worrying about the number of followers you have.

 Just because someone demands an explanation, you don’t have to give it – No, is a full sentence.

 Putting your best foot forward is overrated. Just put a foot forward, and if someone doesn’t like it, put your best middle finger in the air.

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Let’s Discuss: Blake Lively

I’ve run out of things to talk about so I’m just going to talk shit about celebrities until my life becomes exciting.

Blake Lively

*Eye Roll*

Blake Lively

*Eye Roll*

Blake Lively

*Eye Roll*

I cant help it. It just HAPPENS.

I just don’t get it with this one. The appeal is the blonde hair and the giggling. That’s it. Lively is essentially Goop 2.0 and that means absolutely nothing to me. The lifestyle blog? The bouncing back right after baby? The “keeping the baby’s name a secret thing?”

She begs for you to care.

Do I sound a little riled up? I’ve been living off of chocolate chip cookies today because it’s scrambled eggs and ketchup week (if you can guess what that means, we are officially best friends).

Anyways, Lifestyle Barbie was out and about promoting her movie The Age of Adeline. The trailer looks like a commercial for a new perfume. Lively barely says a word, which personally, is how I prefer it.

Blake Lively Says "Good Morning America"

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What do you think? Were you on the Gossip Girl Travelling Pants train that I apparently missed?  (I didn’t miss it, I saw it and hoped it would run into an oncoming train). It’s all a little too try-hardy without substance. Give me an Emma Stone or ….anyone else any day of the week.

Bonus – Michiel Huisman from Game of Thrones and The Age of Adeline . Mama likes.

"The Age Of Adaline" New York Premiere

Source

Friday Five!

Happy Friday!

I hope you all have spectacular plans for this weekend. I look forward to reading about them on Monday (the dreaded day).

Here are five random things I’m loving this week. I’m warning you – most are pop culture related and have no actual relevance in the world.

Ok let’s go!

1. Selena Gomez’s ill-fitting bikini

This bikini is horrible, but Selena’s such a pretty girl, she doesn’t give a fuck. I saw these pictures and immediately thought that Selena, in Mexico on vacation, wanted to go swimming randomly and her friend, who’s probably like, 4 inches shorter and a size smaller was like, “Hey borrow my swimsuit, we’re totally the same size.”

You’ve been there. We’ve all been there. A friend randomly wants to go swimming or in a hot tub and you’re totally unprepared and your friend insists she has a suit for you that will fit, The next thing you know you’re reaching for a towel and your boob pops out in front of everyone.

It happens.

2. Kim Richards arrested for Public Intoxication

There are probably people thinking, “Who was arrested for what?”

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Shut up, you guys. This is for people without lives and who love The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and every Real Housewives in North America!

Home girl was arrested for making a scene in a polo lounge. First of all, that’s a pretty classy place to make a scene, so kudos to her for doing it right. It would have been worse had she been at an IHOP or something. So even though, this sucks, she still has more money than me.

Everyone who knows Kim from the RHOBH, knows the star has some addiction issues. This isn’t necessarily my “fave” thing of the week, but I just needed to talk about it, because I have a lot of feelings, zero friends at work, and nothing better to do.

3. Kylie Jenner’s new face on the new Teen Vogue

The littlest Jenner is on the new cover of Teen Vogue which I’m sure was not at all due to Kris Jenner calling in some favors to get the forgotten child some legitimate work.

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I can’t hate on this cover. She looks good. And she’s fully clothed. Two things that don’t happen that often in the Kardashian/Jenner world.  Whatever she’s done to her face, I want done to mine. I think money happened. That’s what happens to all rich people. Money = new face.

I’m not sure what’s in store for Kylie but I have a feeling it includes a lot of legal fees.

NEXT

4. Time Magazine doesn’t want anyone to sleep with Bradley Cooper, ever.

Just look at this picture.

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BCoops is a babe, but this picture reminds me that he is in fact, a 40 year old babe. Although still attractive, I feel like his knees crack when he stands up.

I thought this was a picture of Jason Bateman on a bad day. If Coops is single for a while, he can blame this photo.

5.  Gisele Quits the Runway

Bye, Felicia

Thanks for giving me unattainable hair goals. See you in print and on TV which you will no doubt try to conquer.

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Sometimes I just get mad at beautiful people.  I get mad at Gisele a lot. I get mad at Tom Brady and Gisele a lot.

Oh well.

Thanks for the insecurities!

Let’s Discuss: Is this body shaming?

Alright, I’m on the fence with this one and thought maybe we could discuss.

Michael Buble is making headlines because he posted the following pic to Instagram:

Capture

Of course, Huffington Post picked up the story and noted that Buble has been trolled by angry users accusing the crooner of body shaming this unidentified woman and her itty bitty shorts.

Maybe I’m just overly protective because he’s Canadian and I look out for my own (yes, even you Avril/Chad/Biebs), but I’m not entirely convinced this is body shaming. If Buble had hashtagged his photo something overtly negative instead of #beautifulbum,  then I’d be the first person slapping his hand.

What do y’all think? Are we too insecure/sensitive/hyperaware of the body positive movement that we look for any reason to jump all over someone?

Kudos to this woman, though. I’m particularly insecure of my booty and WISH I had her derriere.

Is her clothing choice influenced by her culture/environment? Miami, like the rest of Florida, generally exposes more skin  than say, Ohio.  Obviously this woman felt comfortable going out in public in her short shorts and flaunts what she’s got. Is it any different than someone posting a sexy pic of themselves in revealing clothes on Instagram? Or is the problem here that someone ELSE posted a booty pic for her?

I’m TORN!

TORN LIKE A WELL WORN PAIR OF DAISY DUKES!

Discuss. Discuss!

What were you like as a kid?

When I was three years old I fractured my skull. I had to wear a hockey helmet at all times for six weeks. Doctors were worried the injury would have long lasting effects on my behavior and motor skills.

This basically explains everything.

As a kid I was incredibly dramatic and outgoing. I was small for my age with an unnatural amount of body hair. This lead to my parents  “affectionately” calling me Mowgli for the first five years of my life.

Mowgli (from the Jungle Book):

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Me:

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Haters gonna hate, Mowgli’s gonna Mowg

I like to think from a young age I really worked on developing my negotiating skills through several trips to the emergency room. I can remember after a particularly nasty fall off our porch while trying to catch bubbles, I tried to convince the attending physician that I didn’t need stitches for my split chin which had ruined several tea towels and stained my parents clothes with blood.

“Let’s just talk about this,” I cried in vain. “You don’t have to do this, we can figure something out!”

One week later I was back in the hospital for stitches on my eyebrow.

“She did it again,” My parents told our neighbours who agreed to watch my sister while we went back to the ER to be treated by the same doctor.

How Child Protective Services weren’t immediately notified of my existence is beyond me. A sign of the times, I guess. I was a late 80’s baby where a Rubbermaid container and a blanket was considered a sufficient car seat. Everyone was a lot more relaxed back then.

My parents encouraged my sister and me to be imaginative and express ourselves from a very young age. This explains why I wore a bathing suit at all times, even in the dead of winter. When I insisted I call my sister Dorothy for a solid six months, they went along with it. Everything was make believe and magical, and my sister, Carrera, was the mastermind behind it all.

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Carrera (left) and Me

My older sister, was a very shy and quiet child; a stark contrast to me who demanded attention at all times. Carrera would write plays for us to perform in front of our family and she happily let me step into the spotlight.

“Say this!” She would say. “Now do this, Lib!” If anything weren’t to her Spielberg-like standards, she would make me run scenes again until they were perfect.

Our relationship was balanced. For as sensitive as she was, I was a complete brute. I did whatever I could to protect her, even if that meant punching a neighbourhood bully of his bike for making her cry, or yelling at our dance teacher for trying to separate us during class.

“If your daughter can’t take my direction, I don’t know if she should be in this class.” The instructor, Anita, told my Mom after the incident.

But my Mom never believed in silencing my wild heart. She always encouraged me to stand my ground and march to the beat of my own drum. On my first day of kindergarten she received a call from the school saying I wasn’t cooperating and needed to be taken home. She found me sitting in the rocking chair of my classroom, arms crossed, pouting and pissed as Hell.

“What did you say to Mrs. Dennison?” she asked when we were in the car.

“She told me to stop painting,” I replied, “And I told her she wasn’t my Mommy, so I didn’t have to do what she said.”

I think we stopped at McDonald’s that night.

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First day of Kindergarten photoshoot

As I grew up I became very shy and reserved, only opening up to close friends and family. Teenage years? Forget about it. I hated the world but loved everything Volcom. I have a theory that we all eventually return to who we were in Kindergarten, and even now my little defiant and dramatic self makes her presence known.

This piece was inspired by Martina at A Splash of Mimosa and Taylor from The Daily Tay, who commissioned bloggers to talk about their childhoods and share with the blogging community a little about themselves.

What were you like as a child?

Take a walk down memory lane and tell me all about it!

But you don’t have to listen to me- I’m not your Mom.

Spring has sprung! Quotes to get you pumped for the season of ankle pants

Here are some lovely quotes about Spring to put some pep in your step!

One from someone who wants to do the nasty (with your permission of course):

“I want
To do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.”
Pablo Neruda

One from someone who might be a tad too dramatic:

“You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintery light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person died for no reason.”
Ernest Hemingway

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One from someone who knows how to creep a person out:

“She turned to the sunlight
And shook her yellow head,
And whispered to her neighbor:
“Winter is dead.”
A.A. Milne

One from someone who understands why Canadian’s wear shorts when it’s 5 degrees Celsius :

“Every man and every living creature has a sacred right to the gladness of springtime.”
Leo Tolstoy

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One from someone who knows how to paint a picture:

“Is the spring coming?” he said. “What is it like?”…
“It is the sun shining on the rain and the rain falling on the sunshine…”
Frances Hodgson Burnett

Madonna Needs Young Souls to Stay Alive (alternatively titled Madonna performs at Coachella with Drake)

The sun was shining this morning, I was singing along with the radio on the way to work when I heard it.

“Madonna makes out with Drake onstage at Coachella”

If you listen carefully, you can hear the sound of penis’s recoiling around the world.  Imagine a scared cartoon turtle putting his head back into his shell. Same idea.

I hope somebody gave Drake some Listerine and one of those thingy’s from Men In Black to wipe his memory. Poor thing. Come home to Toronto, Boops. You’ll be safe here.

I throw a lot of shade at Madonna, but whatever, she’s Madonna she can take it. That girl is tired. Tired and dry. I can appreciate what Madge did for pop music 30 years ago, but I’m disappointed that she’s resorted to her old bag of tricks and fishnets.

Give me your favourite Madonna song. Was it released after 1996? No. I didn’t think so.

For the past few years (or decade) Madonna has relied on her proximity to other stars to sell her music/brand: Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, MIA and Nicki Minaj, now Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift and Drake. We need a REASON to pay attention to her, because her music doesn’t cut it anymore. She’s piggybacking off of the artists we care about to get us to double tap, like or tune in. She needs them, more than they need her. It seems like artists are happy to oblige Madonna because she’s an icon.

Madonna’s searching for relevance when she could rely on her status as a trailblazer for women in pop.

I feel like Madonna is the only one not aware of the fact that watching her perform is like watching a drunk aunt at a wedding grab the microphone and start singing. We clap because we have to respect our elders. We cheer her on to see what else she’ll do.

Over it.

NEXT!

Preggers in the Workplace

No, I’m not pregnant but keep reading…

It’s not uncommon to experience some kind of gender inequality in the office.I get it all the time being in a male dominated field. I love my team and the group I work with, but working in IT has made my life an 8 hour long episode of the Big Bang Theory: I’m second guessed, have to show up a little earlier, push harder for my ideas to be heard, and have to know how to be “one of the boys” when I need to be. It’s difficult and I’m just me – an unmarried, childless, 27 year old.

With more of my friends becoming mothers or having their second child, I’ve been able to gain a different perspective of what it’s like to be a working pregnant woman. Here’s what I’ve gathered: It’s f*cking hard.100x harder than I imagined.

I go on this rant because I’ve just read an article from the Atlantic called Yes, There Really Are More Pregnant Women at the Office, and I’ve got my feministy rage going on. I’ve looked around my office and see zero baby bumps and wonder if women are afraid to get pregnant because of this discrimination in the workplace.

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Kate Middleton – workin’ through her pregnancy…in heels.

I love me a good baby bump (or food baby, whatever). I will talk babies all day long, I’ll shoot the shit about stretch marks, morning sickness, hemorrhoids and episiotomies any chance I can get. My enthusiasm for pregnancy, I’ve noticed, is not matched by male colleagues (and females, let’s be honest).

In fact, I’ve noticed in my 5+ years in the corporate world that despite everything being pink and blue booties, most employer’s still see pregnancy as an inconvenience. Doctors appointments mean less availability, maternity leave means change and having to delegate tasks or find replacements, and sometimes insensitive comments are made insinuating that pregnant women are just looking for an easy ride and a year off to play house.

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I can’t count the times my best friend and little sister experienced discrimination from her coworkers because she was pregnant. We would spend hours talking about how her working relationships have changed and how isolated she felt.  As her best friend, I of course volunteered to break someone’s legs or slash some tires.

I’ve also noticed that a lot of women are pushing to prove themselves as these baby making machines that can do it all: work until their due date, take a shorter maternity leave, and push themselves to the limit jeopardizing their health and the health of their baby.

I’m all over the map when it comes to becoming a mom. It’s something I don’t plan on doing until I’m on the other side of 30. But when and if I do become preggers, I don’t want to have to worry that my career and my relationships will suffer.

What do y’all think? Have you experienced this or witnessed others being insensitive to pregnant women?