All My Friends Are Dead!

Not really. Well, not yet! This got off to a weird start. Let me back this hearse up and explain.

I’ve always had a hard time accepting my own mortality, so of course, I’ve spent hours crying in anticipation of the death of my loved ones and ultimately, myself (don’t worry, I’m medicated). I think it’s because people are having babies, BLAME THE BABIES. Something about watching my friends gestate and bring little pink humans into existence makes my brain put The Circle of Life on repeat. I won’t go into anymore detail. I’ll save that for my memoir (available on microchip in 2030!).

Anyways, this past weekend I was talking to my friend Kate about how I’ve been wrestling with the idea of death and dying, and to my surprise she voiced her own concerns about kicking the bucket. With celery sticks in hand, we talked about meaning, existence, the afterlife and religion. There was a brief reprieve for talk about Real Housewives and eyebrows, but for the most part, the more we hacked into our veggie tray of negative calories, the deeper our subject matter became.

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I was surprised when Kate told me that she needed to give a list of funeral demands to one of our mutual friends incase of her untimely demise.

“You’re too emotional,” she said matter of factly, “you won’t do half the things I want because you’ll be too busy crying.”

True and true.

Here’s the short list of Kate’s wishes from BEYOND THE GRAVE!

– Her body will be donated to science

– Her funeral will need to be held on either a Friday or Saturday night

– With her life insurance money, a suitable venue (think Golf Course) will be booked to host a celebration of life

– MUST have: Open bar and hot foods buffet

– Despite not having a body, we’re going to have to bury an empty casket. I said this was a waste of money, she told me to be quiet

– A string quartet will be commissioned to play from her funeral playlist on iTunes

– A non-denominational service

– I was warned that if any of her wishes are overlooked she’ll be back for revenge

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Sounds like a good time, right? I hope there’s mac and cheese, and potato skins…I plan to eat my way through my grief.

Intrigued by what clearly was the best conversation I’ve had in a long time, I asked my cousin, Laura, if she had any demands for when she goes to the big Sephora in the sky.

Here’s what she said (and this is a direct quote) :

“Well I’m an organ donor. caskets are a waste of money so instead of get a really big cooler filled with ice and beer. You’re only allowed to wear black if you’re gonna go full death metal goth. There needs to be glitter and irish punk music. get John Stamos to read my eulogy if possible. whatever you do, cremate me with my skates on. Maybe turn me into a diamond and put it into a ring or necklace and then like, sell it at a pawn shop so I can haunt the shit out of the next person who buys it.”
JOHN STAMOS!? Kick it now, I want to meet Uncle Jesse.
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When asked what I want when I tragically die at the tender age of 87, I told both Kate and Laura my plans to be cremated and sprinkled in all the places I’ve ever lived and then places I never got a chance to visit (which by that time, should be a very short list).
“Do we have to go to these places or can we just air mail you there?” Laura quipped.
That little tit. Assuming she’ll outlive me. JOKES ON HER.
*maniacal laughter*
Kate was no better. “I’ll cremate everything but have them donate your vagina to science.”
queen
Thanks, pal.
So, now that you all know what we’ll be doing when we meet our maker (which I really hope is Oprah), tell me what you want to do when it’s time for you to check out of this realm!
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13 comments

  1. What an entertaining post! I have had conversations with my friends on death and dying before, but it’s great that you were able to pull off an otherwise really deep and morbid subject with humor. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It has never been a humorous subject with me and my friends. We’ve pondered about death and afterlife (that is, if there is one). Pretty metaphysical/out there stuff.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve put all of my close friends and family on notice. When I… go, I want NO carnations. They’re filler flowers and have no business being a part of my moment. I don’t really care about much else. I happen to agree with Shauna though – glitter. Tons of it. And maybe (definitely) a slideshow with an awesome soundtrack. And a carriage just like Aaliyah. And a New Orleans style funeral, complete with a parade. So maybe I do care.

    Liked by 1 person

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