Not really. Well, not yet! This got off to a weird start. Let me back this hearse up and explain.
I’ve always had a hard time accepting my own mortality, so of course, I’ve spent hours crying in anticipation of the death of my loved ones and ultimately, myself (don’t worry, I’m medicated). I think it’s because people are having babies, BLAME THE BABIES. Something about watching my friends gestate and bring little pink humans into existence makes my brain put The Circle of Life on repeat. I won’t go into anymore detail. I’ll save that for my memoir (available on microchip in 2030!).
Anyways, this past weekend I was talking to my friend Kate about how I’ve been wrestling with the idea of death and dying, and to my surprise she voiced her own concerns about kicking the bucket. With celery sticks in hand, we talked about meaning, existence, the afterlife and religion. There was a brief reprieve for talk about Real Housewives and eyebrows, but for the most part, the more we hacked into our veggie tray of negative calories, the deeper our subject matter became.
I was surprised when Kate told me that she needed to give a list of funeral demands to one of our mutual friends incase of her untimely demise.
“You’re too emotional,” she said matter of factly, “you won’t do half the things I want because you’ll be too busy crying.”
True and true.
Here’s the short list of Kate’s wishes from BEYOND THE GRAVE!
– Her body will be donated to science
– Her funeral will need to be held on either a Friday or Saturday night
– With her life insurance money, a suitable venue (think Golf Course) will be booked to host a celebration of life
– MUST have: Open bar and hot foods buffet
– Despite not having a body, we’re going to have to bury an empty casket. I said this was a waste of money, she told me to be quiet
– A string quartet will be commissioned to play from her funeral playlist on iTunes
– A non-denominational service
– I was warned that if any of her wishes are overlooked she’ll be back for revenge
Sounds like a good time, right? I hope there’s mac and cheese, and potato skins…I plan to eat my way through my grief.
Intrigued by what clearly was the best conversation I’ve had in a long time, I asked my cousin, Laura, if she had any demands for when she goes to the big Sephora in the sky.
Here’s what she said (and this is a direct quote) :