REDRUM! Save yourselves

I’m redrum-ing it. You know what I mean, ladies.

Boys, feel free to keep reading, you may learn a thing or two about how to handle a woman whose body is literally punishing itself for not being pregnant with your ADHD riddled progeny.

It all started Sunday afternoon while I was conforming to archaic gender stereotypes, minding my own business just swoop, swoop, swooping the vacuum cleaner across the floor when BAM!

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I doubled over in pain.

MAN DOWN.

RETREAT.

GET A MEDIC.

“SON OF A BITCH,” I yelled. I abandoned my post and limped to the bathroom. After an emergency trip to the drug store, it was bullet proof granny panty and sweats time for me. I spent the day in bed, with a box of Fudgee-o’s, watching romantic comedies, paralyzed by my womb on remix.

Despite looking like I was four months pregnant with Satan’s spawn, Matt high fived me when he found me laying in bed in the fetal position.

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“Can I get you anything?” he asked sweetly. “Do you feel like crying? Because you can cry if you want to.”

“Maybe later,” I said.

*Note, I’m that girl that bawls during woman week.

Cute commercial? Crying.

See an old person shopping alone at the grocery store? Crying in public.

See a squirrel run across the street? Crying because it might have a squirrel family and he might get hit by a car.

Seriously.

Basically right now the goal for Day 3 is to make it through work without killing someone, crying and unbuttoning my pants because my pooch needs to be free.

To anyone who wants to tell me to exercise, or drink a lot of water to reduce the bloating: Get the hell away from me before I kick you in the box.

KNOW MY PAIN.

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I’m hormonal, I’m emotional and I need sweatpants.

Synch up with my cycle if you want to live.

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11 comments

  1. “See an old person shopping alone at the grocery store? Crying in public.

    See a squirrel run across the street? Crying because it might have a squirrel family and he might get hit by a car.”

    I know I say this all the time but…

    Oh, good. Now I know I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re hilarious.

    But I do agree. I want to take off work every time I get my period. That’s almost five days off in a month, together, that no one can ever understand. How would they?!! They are all men!!

    I don’t cry that much but y..oh,yes I do. I do.

    Great post, I laughed too hard, maybe a bit too hard 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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