Month: March 2015

A Letter to Zayn Malik Fans

Listen, babes. Dry your tears. Mama Libs is here to tell you that everyting gon’ be arie.

For most of you, the news of Zayn’s departure from 1D was soul crushing. You’re feeling all the feelings in the world and that’s OK. I’m not here to make you feel silly or tell you that you need a little perspective given what’s going on in the world.  I remember what it was like to be a teenager, mostly because I’m emotionally stunted at 17 so it’s really easy for me to put myself in your shoes.

My generation had to make sense of Ginger Spice quitting the Spice Girls in 1998. I was only 11, but I remember feeling let down by the singer’s decision. What about Girl Power? What about friendship never ending? Was it all a lie? This was before Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. My classmates and I discussed the news at length at recess, in a sense mourning the end of a belief that the Spice Girls would reign supreme forever, and we tried to make sense of the business that was behind the group the entire time.

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Day 1: Fitness Journey

Inspired by my fitness minded friends and boyfriend, I’ve decided to take getting into shape seriously. Sort of seriously. Ok, I’m considering eating less cookies and moving more. That’s as serious as I can be right now.

My resolve to be fit began after my friend Sarah started hitting the gym before her honeymoon in Cabo. I should tell you now that Sarah used to model, so go ahead and start hating her. Since we talk about everything, she showed me her super-secret progress pictures and I had a come to Jesus moment where I thought, “Hey, maybe this here exercise thing the kids are talking about actually works!” Did you know the belly button can actually move up the stomach? Or at least get so toned it travels three inches north? I didn’t but totally played like I did when I saw her after pictures.

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That night I went home and looked at my memory foam tummy. Minimal muscle definition with some give. Not too shabby for someone who eats a carb-centric diet and sits for 8 hours a day and then lays for another 16. I figured I could get in shape no problem.

The real problems began when I asked my manpanion to take “Before” photos for me. Tummy, profile shot, and behind.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I started hyperventilating when faced with my own booty dimples. My behind looks like the old woman from Titanic’s face. Sad, contemplative, old as shit.

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“It’s the lighting in here,” Matt said trying to comfort me. “It’s bad lighting.”

I immediately felt horrible that this poor wonderful guy was stuck dating Miss Cottage Cheese 2015.

I wallowed for about twenty minutes. Thought about where the Duggar’s purchase their Modesty Wear. Thought about just being the girl who always wears pants and says it’s some ode to Katherine Hepburn. I googled celebrities with cellulite, I googled celebrities without cellulite. Then I decided there was only one thing to do: start moving.

The goal:  Lose 10 lbs by June

How will I do that?

Exercise.

Cut out sweets and carbs

No crash diets/no fads

Today is day 1.

Godspeed.

Get it Gurl! Moment of the Day

If you’re hovering around your late twenties like me, you remember Herbal Essences commercials from the good old days.

You know the ones where a frazzled, dirty, or tired looking woman stops by a gas station or her office, and randomly decides to shampoo her hair with Herbal Essences Shampoo, has a screaming orgasm, and then wham bam thank you Ma’am, all of a sudden she has a supermodel moment with perfectly bouncy, sexy hair.

That’s what these photos of Jennifer Garner in New York remind me of.

Jennifer Garner waves while having windswept hair as she leaves her hotel, heading to 'The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon' in New York CityJennifer Garner leaving her hotel in a black and white dress today in NYC

What is this sorcery?

Does she control the wind?

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All My Friends Are Dead!

Not really. Well, not yet! This got off to a weird start. Let me back this hearse up and explain.

I’ve always had a hard time accepting my own mortality, so of course, I’ve spent hours crying in anticipation of the death of my loved ones and ultimately, myself (don’t worry, I’m medicated). I think it’s because people are having babies, BLAME THE BABIES. Something about watching my friends gestate and bring little pink humans into existence makes my brain put The Circle of Life on repeat. I won’t go into anymore detail. I’ll save that for my memoir (available on microchip in 2030!).

Anyways, this past weekend I was talking to my friend Kate about how I’ve been wrestling with the idea of death and dying, and to my surprise she voiced her own concerns about kicking the bucket. With celery sticks in hand, we talked about meaning, existence, the afterlife and religion. There was a brief reprieve for talk about Real Housewives and eyebrows, but for the most part, the more we hacked into our veggie tray of negative calories, the deeper our subject matter became.

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I was surprised when Kate told me that she needed to give a list of funeral demands to one of our mutual friends incase of her untimely demise.

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Happy Fri-yay

Happy Friday, WordPressers!

Just eight more hours and then it’s an elastic-waist pant party!

I must admit, I’m incredibly jealous of my teacher friends who are on March Break next week. I’m even more jealous of one friend in particular *cough cough* Sarah *cough* who will be vacationing with her hubby in MEXICO for the next seven days.

Ugh! Take me with you! That wouldn’t be weird at all. We could tell everyone we’re Sister Wives and I’ll sleep outside like Mowgli from the Jungle Book.

That’s enough. I think I’ve made everyone awkward enough.

Here’s my Friday TWO! Normally I would post a Friday Five and share things that I’m loving, but this week my life has been stressful and exciting (more details later) so I can only think of TWO things to talk to you about.

1. Richard Madden

He looks like pocket sized perfection.

Google says Madden is 5″11, which is internet speak for 5″7, but Scottish Bae is so delish I’ll gladly enter in a relationship where we can swap jeans and climb on counters to reach objects on high shelves. GLADLY.

Plus, and I think some of you might disagree with me on this one…chest hair.

 

I love chest hair. I’m not into head to toe Wookie status, but I’m A-OK with a tease above a shirt collar. I’m like a cat pawing on a rug to get comfortable.

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It’s manly! It says, “Hey girl, I don’t conform to societal beauty standards for men, and I don’t think you should conform to any either. I like your day 2 leg stubble. Let’s cuddle.”

*lights cigarette, turns on Letterman*

2. Kathy Griffin

If you’re female and a fan of stand-up, which I am, you know that Griffin is the reigning Queen (RIP Joan Rivers).

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I was skeptical for Griffin to join Fashion Police, considering Fashion Police is balls, but I went along with it and trusted in Griffin’s judgment.  Sadly, not even a ginja-ninja could save that sinking ship, and Griffin announced her exit last night with this message.

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How bad-ass is that?

How ON BRAND is she?

Authentic. Hilarious. Boss babe.

 

Giggle Reads

I’m tired.

On my way to work I had one of those moments where closing my eyes for a few moments seemed like a good idea. “What;s the worst that could possibly happen?”

Death, Lib. Death.

Or Severe disfigurement. Which let’s real, in my twisted sense of values is worse than death.

So instead of coming up with something quippy, I thought I’d share some articles and links that gave me a good giggle.

Enjoy!

America continues to one-up it’s crazy in, New Yorkers unhappy about bar that attracts “Internet people meeting”

All women will relate to this writer and her struggle in Is This the Secret to Mess-Free Period Sex?

Florida Woman Tries to Back Out of Home Purchase By Blaming Diet Pills – Seriously. When I took diet pills all I did was shake and sweat for 20 hours out of the day.

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A Tale of Two Bachelorettes

If you saw my Twitter feed yesterday,  you probably thought I was in the middle of a psychotic break when I heard the news about ABC deciding to have TWO women going head to head for the title of next season’s Bachelorette.

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First things first: The Bachelor has been struggling for cred and ratings since the Juan Pablo PR disaster and Andi Dorfmann/Josh Murray split. The signs were there: former Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock’s wedding to her final rose winner Chris Sigfried wasn’t televised, and Bachelor in Paradise’s season was fairly short compared to a typical season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise.

I get the network is looking to shake things up, but I didn’t ask for this backwards sexist, 1950’s Mean Girl shit.

The new season will have fan favourite (and Canadian) Kaitlyn Bristowe and controversial make-out bandit Britt Nilsson meeting 25 hopeful bachelors who will decide which woman would make a better wife. Their choice will continue the season as the Bachelorette. The other, I’m assuming will go home with a lifetime supply of Hamburger Helper, low self esteem and a bitchin’ spray tan.

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Kaitlyn Bristowe (left) and Britt Nilsson (right)

How will the men decide?

Most likely through some kind of bake-off, house chore obstacle course, pelvic exam, swimsuit competition and of course, they’ll most likely test drive each one before they make a decision (Hey, don’t buy the car without a test drive, amirite?)

HORSE PUCKEY!

THIS IS HOGWASH!

Let me tell you what happened here.

Some producer or executive said, “Nobody likes Britt, but she’s pretty with hair like spun gold. America like’s fake-ass beauties. Let’s put her on TV!”

Some female P.A was listening and piped in with a, “Um, I think everyone likes the Canadian funny one, Kaitlyn.”

To which Executive A responded, “I know, we’ll have them mud wrestle for the title!”

“Sir. I don’t think we can do that during primetime.” said the nervous PA.

“Fine, we’ll have the men choose. Men love this kind of stuff. Hold my calls, I’m going to go play a round before lunch.”

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AND HERE WE ARE.

Britt is beautiful in that wannabe waitress, free love, creepy church basement cult way. I’m sure she’s a lovely person. I’m sure she’s got friends and family and get’s stopped on the street by strangers who tell her she should be on TV. But let’s be real. This is a classic example of a pretty girl getting a free pass from Hollywood despite viewers clearly favoring Kaitlyn.

Sorry, boo. Your hair is magic, but you’ve got to go back to cattle calls for walk on roles in Lifetime movies.

Kaitlyn got robbed. She knows it. We know it. If she isn’t picked as Bachelorette by whatever gaggle of horned up advertising executives ABC manages to rope into the next season, I quit the Bachelor franchise.

That’s right.

As Tina Fey is my witness, I’ll fill my Monday nights in other ways. I’ll start watching the Voice or I’ll take up cribbage.

Oh yeah. By the way. The farmer strung together a sentence and asked Whitney to marry him.

Whatever.

I’m going to take a nap.