If you saw my Twitter feed yesterday, you probably thought I was in the middle of a psychotic break when I heard the news about ABC deciding to have TWO women going head to head for the title of next season’s Bachelorette.
First things first: The Bachelor has been struggling for cred and ratings since the Juan Pablo PR disaster and Andi Dorfmann/Josh Murray split. The signs were there: former Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock’s wedding to her final rose winner Chris Sigfried wasn’t televised, and Bachelor in Paradise’s season was fairly short compared to a typical season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise.
I get the network is looking to shake things up, but I didn’t ask for this backwards sexist, 1950’s Mean Girl shit.
The new season will have fan favourite (and Canadian) Kaitlyn Bristowe and controversial make-out bandit Britt Nilsson meeting 25 hopeful bachelors who will decide which woman would make a better wife. Their choice will continue the season as the Bachelorette. The other, I’m assuming will go home with a lifetime supply of Hamburger Helper, low self esteem and a bitchin’ spray tan.
Kaitlyn Bristowe (left) and Britt Nilsson (right)
How will the men decide?
Most likely through some kind of bake-off, house chore obstacle course, pelvic exam, swimsuit competition and of course, they’ll most likely test drive each one before they make a decision (Hey, don’t buy the car without a test drive, amirite?)
THIS IS HOGWASH!
Let me tell you what happened here.
Some producer or executive said, “Nobody likes Britt, but she’s pretty with hair like spun gold. America like’s fake-ass beauties. Let’s put her on TV!”
Some female P.A was listening and piped in with a, “Um, I think everyone likes the Canadian funny one, Kaitlyn.”
To which Executive A responded, “I know, we’ll have them mud wrestle for the title!”
“Sir. I don’t think we can do that during primetime.” said the nervous PA.
“Fine, we’ll have the men choose. Men love this kind of stuff. Hold my calls, I’m going to go play a round before lunch.”
AND HERE WE ARE.
Britt is beautiful in that wannabe waitress, free love, creepy church basement cult way. I’m sure she’s a lovely person. I’m sure she’s got friends and family and get’s stopped on the street by strangers who tell her she should be on TV. But let’s be real. This is a classic example of a pretty girl getting a free pass from Hollywood despite viewers clearly favoring Kaitlyn.
Sorry, boo. Your hair is magic, but you’ve got to go back to cattle calls for walk on roles in Lifetime movies.
Kaitlyn got robbed. She knows it. We know it. If she isn’t picked as Bachelorette by whatever gaggle of horned up advertising executives ABC manages to rope into the next season, I quit the Bachelor franchise.
As Tina Fey is my witness, I’ll fill my Monday nights in other ways. I’ll start watching the Voice or I’ll take up cribbage.
Oh yeah. By the way. The farmer strung together a sentence and asked Whitney to marry him.
I’m going to take a nap.