Month: February 2015

One shade of grey

It happened.

I FINALLY had a dream about Jamie Dornan who plays kinky billionaire Christian Grey in the mommy-porn 50 Shades of Grey (which I have not seen or read btw).

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Let’s get this out of the way:

I didn’t read or watch the movie because I don’t like hype. I didn’t read Twilight or Hunger Games, I haven’t read Divergent (although I watch for Theo James) and I avoided Eat Pray Love until I finally had a miniature breakdown and wanted a secondhand epiphany about life. Hype is off putting to me. I just don’t want to drink the kool-aid, alright?

Ok. Moving on.

I consider it some kind of personal achievement that my subconscious wanted me to have “that kind of dream” about Jamie Dornan. I should mention it was scruffy Jamie, which makes all the difference.

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Here’s my dream:

Jamie and I are sharing an apartment for some reason because apparently dream me can’t even get her finances together. In my dream we both work at a grocery store and quit in a very dramatic fashion to pursue our dreams: for him, making soft core porn and for me, collecting animals and raising a small Narnia-like army.

We rip off our aprons (apparently we had to wear them?) and yell to the people in the check out line, “WE QUIT” and then we went and did adult stuff and it was meh, I mean. I’ve had better dream sex, but still. I woke up surprised and not repulsed.

That’s all I really have to say…I’ll post more bits and bites later this week. I completely missed out on Oscar trash talk but I think we can all agree who the fashion game winner was: Nobody.

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Girl Talk, Real Talk

Back from the long weekend, let’s get it poppin!

That was supposed to be motivational and slightly urban, but even as I read it I thought, “Libby, don’t even.”

Hope you all had a lovely long weekend! If where you live there wasn’t a long weekend, I hope you slacked extra hard yesterday in protest.

In Ontario we celebrated “Family Day” which sounds pleasant- not as dignified as Presidents Day but whatever, I’ll take it. I wish I could tell you that I did something exciting, but I spent most of my time off in bed with horrible headaches.

I’ve decided to give up Diet Pepsi, my beloved legal equivalent of meth/crack/coke/heroin after noticing my teeth are turning meth/crack/coke/heroin shades of yell-ew. Has anyone tried to kick this habit? Any suggestions? I’m drinking as much flavoured water as I can, but I feel like my head is going to explode 24/7.

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What else can we discuss…

The Bachelor:

I start out every Bachelor season promising to write reviews and then, well, life happens.  I’m completely obsessed with this season and the fact that everyone who would normally be a shoe-in for top spot is dropping like flies because they don’t want to live in East Jesus Nowhere, Iowa. This is the only season of the Bachelor where ‘winning’ would have to mean you’re legit in love with farmer Chris. I don’t know about you, but I’m not a believer in “You jump I jump, you farm I farm” type love.  I don’t think it’s fair for someone to give up their life, job, access to Starbucks to move across the country “for love.”  There’s bound to be some resentment in their future, no?

My money is on Whitney to be the last chick standing. She’s likeable, pretty, and has a real job (she makes babies, y’all!). Remember when Andi had a real job and she gave it up for love? Remember how well that worked out?

My thoughts on the next Bachelorette:

Probably boring Becca. Because ABC loves virgins. Not that I don’t love a good virgin (wait for the right person!) I just don’t like how the network can exploit someone’s choice as a bid to get viewers (re: Sean Lowe and his creepy lead up to his honeymoon).

What else is going on?

50 Shades of Grey came out which means nothing to me….

The Oscars are on Sunday which excites me but I know my faves won’t get the acclaim they deserve. Wild is the best movie of the year. OF ALL TIME! GIVE REESE AN AWARD! Walk the Line was blah. but Witherspoon kills it in this movie. I cried an ugly cry. For anyone who’s ever thought, “My life is shit because I’ve made bad choices” you’ll want to grab some Kleenex because this movie has all the feelings ever.

I’m currently reading The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. which I highly recommend for all women in their 20’s and 30’s. Ever wanted to be inside the mind of that narcissist you have a big bad crush on but just can’t seem to win over? Now you can. I can’t believe this book was written by a woman! I mean…women can do anything and yay pants, but for real, at some points it reads like a diary of a hot Jewish hipster.

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On a darker note, I had a tragic incident with my eyebrow a few weeks ago. While stuck in traffic I thought I could reshape my eyebrows using my fingers. I rip, rip, ripped and as one might expect, over pulled and was full chola on one side of my face. I freak out all the time about how my eyebrows are asymmetrical (I have a scar on one brow that gives them two different shapes, plus I’m pretty sure I’ve suffered small strokes but whatever), but this time I looked like Libby on the one side, and Juanita Christina Maria on the other.

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I made an emergency stop to Shoppers Drug Mart and purchased their last box of Rapid Brow, which is apparently going to fix my neurosis’ mistake but will not at all help my chemical imbalance that cased me to such drastic and violent extremes.

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The good news: I’ve stopped looking in mirrors

The bad news : The product takes 60 days to see effects

The better news: Eye brow pencil exists

Nuts right? This is worse than the time I tweezed my eyebrow off with nail clippers when I was ten. At least I was ten and people could be like , “Poor thing, she’s just trying to figure out womanhood.” I’m a grown ass woman with one eyebrow.

Ugh. If you see me try and guess which one. If you guess correctly I’ll run away in tears. What a fun game!

Where’d you go, Bernadette? My January Recap

I thought I’d do a life update, because for the most part I’ve been MIA from blogging. I used to bombard everyone with blogs at 10 am every.single.day. However my new job frowns upon spending work hours doing personal things, so I’ve had to save blogging for my lunch hour but I miss my blog friends! Who, will be real friends. YES YOU WILL . AND THEN WE WILL MEET IN PERSON AND I’LL WEAR A RED ROSE SO YOU KNOW WHO I AM. MUAHAHHAHA.

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*ahem*

Anyways.

The title of this post is from the book of the same name. I haven’t read it, but every time I’m looking for something or someone, I say “Where’d you go, Bernadette?” and nobody understands. Anyways. my life is sad.

OK!

So, life!

January was a blur. I started my new job, which actually uses things I studied in school, which makes me feel like a grown-up, which means I’ve actually gone out and bought wrinkle cream because I’ve noticed my skin is SHIT now that I’m an old hag.

I don’t mind the drive (it’s an hour and a half each way), but I had to get a new car because my little old car Beverly, wasn’t cutting it. Gas was a killer, she had no heat. Ugh. It was like putting a race horse down. I got a little e-mosh!

But then my friend who sold me my new gem said , “Look! Your new car is over there!” and I said, BYE FELICIA! and ran to my new baby, who I named Grace Kelly.

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Yes, it’s a Hyundai Elantra. Yes, that’s a chicks, car. But tough tits. I likes what I likes.

So, I get’s my grown-up car, but there’s that little nagging voice in me that says, “FOREVER YOUNG!” and asks Matt to take me to Medieval Times for a belated Christmas present. We paid extra to be front row. I made him buy me a $25 headpiece because, duh – I’m obsessed with Game of Thrones, and we spent the evening yelling at knights and having them break character. Seriously.

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All it takes is a, “BURN IN HELL, THIS IS TREASON” when it’s dead silent and you can see the actors look around like, “WTF is that chick’s problem.”

My problem is you’re a traitor, and that you can’t joust for shit.

On Jan. 22, the Manpanion and I celebrated two years together. One day I’ll tell the story of how we got together. It involves a break-up*, a trip to Australia, and a drunken phone call on my birthday. Long story short, we decided to go ice skating to celebrate. So, I swept my hair up in a pony, bought some leggings (which I hate) and strapped on some skates for an evening of romance and bruised tailbones.

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I hadn’t been on skates since I was 11. I used to skate competitively, and my mom was a professional coach, but when I hit puberty and my dad decided to date other women while he was married to my mom, I went through my “Eff-the-world, why am I developing birthing hips” phase and hung my skates up.  So, on our anniversary, I thought it would be easy to get my sea legs back and do a double lutz, but alas. I fell. I fell hard on my Kim K bum.

Other highlights:

-My school friends and I had a karaoke night and I sang Shania Twain to a bar full of cougars

– I spent a month’s worth of allocated “fun money” on NYX cosmetics which is my new addiction

– I went and played volleyball with my co-workers and had such bruised wrists, I looked like I spent an evening with a former host of CBC Radio Q (Google it)

Oh and last but not least…..

My cousin and I booked our trip to Paris and London!

That’s right! From May 1st to May 16 I’ll be taking this train wreck international!

If you have any ideas suggestions of where we should go, let me know!

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For my new real friends – follow me on Instagram for photos of my cat, niece, cat, cat, cat, niece and dog! minimal selfie guarantee @mselizabethr

Until next time,

xoxo

*This post was edited and is a reminder for me to check myself, before I wreck myself. My apologies to those who deserve them. You know who you are.