Sometimes I wonder whether people are on the Bachelor just to make a name for themselves. I mean, half of all the contestants move to Hollywood and sign mediocre endorsement deals, but last night I was convinced there’s one girl who should move straight form the small screen to the silver screen: Ashley S.
Yep, that’s right. I’m calling it. Ashley S, the seemingly disturbed hairstylist from Brooklyn must be an actress or at the very least a woman who’s anti-psychotic’s went missing with her luggage.
She works with sharp objects for a living. That’s terrifying.
I like making fun of Bachelor crazies, but last night was like a cross-over episode between the Bachelor and Intervention. I half expected to see Ashley S. hiding in the kitchen of the house huffing aerosol cans of keyboard cleaner. At first I thought, “Well, this girl’s drunk.” Then it grew to, “wait a minute, is she some sort of space age prophet sent from the future to kill zombies and tell Chris about following his heart?” and then I just decided she was an actress, a plant from the Bachelor to mix things up after last year’s disastrous Bachelor season with Juan Pablo.
I can just see the board room now:
Executive 1: We need to distract everyone from the fact that we misjudged a Latin lover and gave a douche bag his own show for 10 weeks. Any ideas?
Executive 2: Virgins!
Executive 3: Widows!
Executive 4: And a crazy girl!
You know that’s exactly what happened. There’s no way Chris, our little farmer with a heart of gold, would willingly go out of his way to keep someone who in Iowa would be dropped off on the side of the road like a box of unwanted kittens and left for dead. “She’s using the village resources!” That’s how small town folk rationalize things, duh.
What else can we talk about from last night’s episode?
Oh right. Ashley I. The fake lash enthusiast with zero time for sex. I like that the Bachelor casts virgins on the show, but I don’t like how this chick is handling herself. It’s kind of like watching a Duggar want SO BADLY to front hug. DESPERATE. At one point, after telling another contestant of her V-Card status, Ashley I went to Chris and like a real-life Princess Jasmine said, “Rub my magic lamp belly button ring and make 3 wishes!” At which point the devoured his face like a scene from a horror movie. I guess all virgins are different, but I can guarantee, when I was a 21 year old virgin (which I was), the last thing I was saying was, “Wanna rub my tum tum?”
Loca. You’re all loca.
If I were an American farmer I would take great offense to the fact that ABC seems to cast alcoholics in hopes that it appeals to the “down home every man” that is Chris. I get it. Iowa looks boring, and it clearly hasn’t registered with any of these chicks (Except the Fly Fishing Enthusiast Tara) that they’ll be spending a majority of their time at a legion on Friday nights square dancing or that the town dentist is also their only veterinarian and the local grocer. WHATS WITH THE ALCOHOLICS!? WHY NOT CAST ANOTHER GIRL WHO GREW UP ON A FARM?!
Methinks Chris is getting all the hot girls out of his system and will wind up with someone like Whitney, who’s voice will call the cattle home from the fields. Seriously. Lovely girl. But my ears. My virgin ears.
I hope that wasn’t too spoiler-ish for y’all.
So far, my girls are still in the running.
Sorry this wasn’t a full play by play, but like. It’s 8 am and technically I started work 2 minutes ago.
A newly single Andi Dorfman is not impressed.
Am I excited for next week?