December, we meet again

Two different cubicaves are playing Christmas music. Someone has a tree tied to their minivan in the parking lot. I can’t take it. I’ve put on headphones and shut my blinds at my desk just to block out as much holiday cheer as I possibly can.

I’m not a Grinch, by any means. ‘Tis the season for two of my favourite things: gluttony and commercialism. It’s also around this time of year that I get really, really depressed. More than usual.

2SOlJ

By now there are people saying, “Everyone says their depressed but they’re actually not, as someone with depression you shouldn’t say things like that.”

To those people I say: Watch your mouth or I won’t go tradesies with you for my medication.

Real talk time:

I was diagnosed as depressed for the first time when I was fifteen, and it’s been a complicated roller coaster ride for the past twelve years. Thanks to therapy and of course, my me-no-loca pills, I’m doing a lot better. I can function, I crash sometimes and there are times where I stay in bed all day and can cry at the drop of a hat, but those days happen less and less (thankfully).

For me, my depression gets worse around my birthday (August) and Christmas. I get very existential, have a crisis about authenticity and integrity, take a personal inventory of my life and my actions, freak out on my loved ones and then shut down and stay in my pajamas… It’s pretty bad.

I probably sound crazy. Some of my friends probably have no clue because I try to hide my ugly cry for bathrooms and car rides home from work, but my poor boyfriend has already been warned that the X-Mas blues are on their way.

Maybe I’ll talk more about it, maybe I won’t but I just had to put it out there. If I get a little weird like a cat before a storm, now you’ll know why.

I’m trying hard to slow myself down and feel the feelings and let them go as much as I can, but December is a scary time of month for me.

What about you? I can’t be the only one. Are you feeling the holiday blues?

*I take the piss out of myself when it comes to my depression but it’s not a laughing matter. If you think you might be suffering from depression please visit your doctor to talk about your options! Hugs to you. It’s going to be ok, nugget.

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9 comments

  1. I am happy to hear I am not the only one. I couldn’t pinpoint it last year but I noticed my depression grew exponentially within the month of December. December always has been and always will be my favorite month because of my birthday and Christmas, with a new addition of my wedding anniversary with my husband. But I do notice it and I almost dread it sometimes, thinking about how I practically shut down when I used to be so excited. I could never figure out why! Given I am still excited, it just affects me in a weird way I guess.

    You aren’t alone!
    Thanks for sharing.

    Like

    1. Wow, what a big month for you! When’s your birthday?
      It’s definitely a strange feeling. I’m not even sure if I articulated it well, but I’m going to try to force myself into the x-mas spirit and consciously think positive about the holidays. Nothing is particularly wrong it’s just….the holidays!

      Thank you for your comment. As soon as I posted this I thought, “Oh shit!, overshare!” but your comment made me happy. thank you 🙂

      Like

      1. My birthday is Friday! 🙂

        And no worries. There is no such thing as oversharing. It is even nicer when you know there are others who feel the exact same way, and from what I’ve seen, is a LOT. There is no reason or rhyme for the feelings you have, it just HAPPENS. You just feel that way, so you’re right, it is just the holidays.

        I overdecked my house in Christmas decor so I’m going to enjoy it, force it upon myself, hahaha.

        Thanks for the reply. 🙂
        Best of wishes to you in your forcefully positive state of mind, we can do this!

        Like

  2. I’m not sure where you’re located, but if you’re anywhere winter-y, you could also be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder. I grew up in Wisconsin, and every year around this time, same thing. Christmas makes it worse, but it really is triggered by the weather. Now that I live in California, I haven’t experienced it at all! Not sure about you, just something I thought of! 🙂

    Like

    1. From Wisconsin to california! yes, that’ll make you happy for sure!
      I live in Canada just 45 minutes outside of Buffalo NY. So, when it gets cold, it gets really, really cold. I’ve looked up SAD (funny puns!) and it looks pretty accurate, except I feel this way in the summer as well….
      Oh well. I’ll just watch cat videos and force myself out of it! 🙂

      Like

  3. Not to sound all stalker-y but, I’VE MISSED YOU! I was so excited to see that you had posted. I haven’t talked to anyone about One Direction in what feels like forever (OK, that’s a lie. I snuck in a quick Youtube fix this afternoon and then squealed over the Night Changes video to myself. it’s so perfect! )

    I don’t suffer from depression but I have noticed that for the past few years the holidays just haven’t been merry and bright. knowwhatimsayin’?

    Glad to see you’re back!

    Like

  4. Christmas doesn’t give me the blues…The whole winter does. I’ve always said that I suffer from seasonal depression, because as soon as the leaves fall off the trees, I want to sleep all day. Even my daily routine changes. In the good weather, I’ll get up and go to the gym, eat healthy, and get outside. In the winter, I curl up, watch Netflix, and keep my blinds closed. I cannot wait for the leaves to come back!

    Like

    1. Totally! Except I don’t go to the gym… And I watch netflix all night no matter the weather.
      It’s true though! I remember as a kid I loved winter and the snow and now I spend my time trying to figure out how I can move to Florida.

      Liked by 1 person

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