Last night the Bachelor Canada was only an hour long, but boy oh boy, did they cram a bunch of crazy into sixty minutes!
The night kicked off with Timbo choosing Kaylynn aka Black Swan for the first date.
Their date began with a helicopter ride to the top of Grouse mountain in Vancouver. Kaylynn gave Meg Ryan a run for her money by basically having an orgasm in the helicopter. I haven’t heard that many ‘Oh God’s’ since my First Holy Communion. Part two of their date (a sort of shitty date if you ask me) was dinner, during which Black Swan regaled Timbo with tales of her childhood trauma and how she was raised over the phone by her mother while she was at boarding school.
This lack of healthy attachment is important to remember because Black Swan goes ape later in the episode.
Timbo, who’s obviously never seen Fatal Attraction, Misery or Swimfan, gives Kaylynn a rose.
Timbo selected 10 women to go dragon boat racing…in the pouring rain. This is when you know those girls are in it to win it, because if it were me, I’d be waiting in the van to go back to the house because there’s no way I’d be getting my hair wet.
Lead by the Vagician (April) and her voodoo mama juju magic, Jenny, Martha, Rilegh and Trisha win the race and are taken to what looks like the Mandarin or a Mulan theme park for a private after party. The girls are dressed as extras in Memoirs of A Geisha and spend the next few hours vying for Timbo’s attention.
Rileigh, aka Chili’s (the waitress and philosophy student) tries to cut ahead of the pack and get down to the nitty gritty by telling Timbo she wants him to “cut the shit” and be himself.
If she had been holding a cigarette, ripping darts with a Tim Horton’s coffee cup in her hand, I would have sworn that conversation was taking place in a Timmies parking lot. Real classy, Chili’s.
Timbo gives the group date rose to Trisha aka Miss Grand Supreme because he finds her “interesting.” Translation: he wants to sleep with her.
Timbo rolls up to the mansion where the ladies are staying, surprising them all in their pajamas.
Silly, Tim. That’s the fastest way to get cut by a bitch.
With help from the good people at Rimmel, Natalie (Kate Middleton), Christine (Little Streisand), April B (not the vagician) and Sonia (Stacey’s Mom) get dolled up for a photo shoot with Tim.
I’m guessing the photoshoot was for…sex? I have no clue what they were trying to sell. All I know is that just by standing next to Stacey’s Mom, Timbo decides they have nothing in common and breaks up with her. Cue the the commercials for Summer’s Eve, because that was a real douche move. You can’t send the token cougar home without even talking to her!
Timbo chooses the aloof April B to go
make-out get to know each other. For the next five minutes they avoided eye contact and drank wine, which is basically how most of my dates went before I met my boyfriend. TImbo managed to string a full sentence together and gives April B a rose.
Sweet Jesu Mio! The Cocktail party!
Before Black Swan goes off her rocker, there’s a beautiful shot of Kaylynn walking up to the bartender and saying, “Um… I’ll take a glass of white!”
I think I wet my pants a little in anticipation. Drink up, buttercup! Scandal ain’t on for another twenty minutes and I need some drama!
Martha, the beautiful and feisty Latina get’s shut down by Timbo when she tries to steal him away from Little Streisand. Feeling a bit miffed, Martha carries on with her night like a champ, until she runs into Kaylynn/Black Swan freaking out about how Tim hasn’t tried to talk to her yet.
Ok. This is Bachelor/Bachelorette etiquette 101. If you have a rose, you sit your chosen ass down on the couch and you let everyone else get some QT with the bachelor/bachelorette. Seriously, this is something we learned from Alex Michel back in 2002.
Obviously the boarding school Kaylynn went to didn’t have a television or a psych evaluation, because she spends the rest of the evening in tears whenever Tim has time with the other women.
CUT TO….. the rose ceremony.
Black Swan, Trisha/Grand Supreme, and April B. already have roses.
Timbo gives roses too….
1. The Vagician
2. Seashell, who was quiet/normal for the entire episode
3. Martha, who says reminds us just how Hispanic she is by saying ‘gracias’
4. Dominique (Not a standout, but she was wearing a bolero jacket which clearly means she’s living in 1993)
The last rose goes to Natalie/Kate Middleton who says, “Don’t you ever do that to me again!”
Bitch, please. It’s a TV show. Calm the eff down.
During the final shot where everyone’s toasting to celebrate receiving a rose, Kaylynn starts hyperventilating and doing the ugly cry. She blames Martha for making her feel stupid for being so emotional (about what I have no idea). Seeing Kaylynn in full meltdown mode, Timbo steps in to have a few moments alone with the hysterical ballerina.
“I don’t want you to think I’m crazy!” Kaylynn cries.
Any man in his right mind would have been running for the Rockies. Tim, once again demonstrating his inability to detect danger says, “I don’t, don’t worry!”
If I were there, I would have slipped Black Swan an Ativan and tucked her in for a night-night. By “Tuck” I mean put her in restraints, locked her in her room and thrown away the key.
Next week the crew heads to Cabo where we can see Timbo smolder on a beach.
Did you watch this week’s episodes?
Did you think everyone was crazy, too?