Bachelor Canada Season 2 premiered last night. I’m not going to pull any punches or lie to you…
It was probably the best night of Canadian television I’ve ever experienced. Even better then the time Drake was shot on Degrassi Jr. High and became Wheelchair Jimmy.
I’m not sure if you can watch Bachelor Canada where you live, but if you’re like me and are obsessed with watching beautiful crazies fall in “love” on television, you have to go to the official Bachelor Canada website now and watch!
It all began with an introduction of Tim Warmels, the new Bachelor who is basically a living Davidoff Cool Water ad.
I’m not exactly sure WHAT he does for a living. I think someone threw around the word entrepreneur which makes me nervous because whenever I hear that term I always think that’s code for drug dealer, but Timbo, whatever you’re sellin’ I’m buyin’.
The man is good looking. So good looking if you stare at him too long you start to wonder if he’s a wax figure or a Disney Prince. He has one expression: smoldering. I spent two hours trying to figure out which one of his eyebrows was my favourite. (Spoiler alert: It’s his right one).
I expect big things from Timbo. I was a big supporter of Canada’s first bachelor, Brad Smith, who I once referred to as the guy I’d want to get drunk and make a few mistakes with. If Timbo wants to win over the hearts of Canadian women everywhere, he’ll have to turn down the Greek god Adonis thing he’s got going on and maybe come on camera with like, morning eye goop or armpit sweat stains, because right now it’s all just TOO pretty.
Now for the fun part…
This year’s contestants are stunners. Seriously, I think the casting agents went to each town in Canada and said, “Direct me to your Homecoming Queen.” Everyone looked like a million (Canadian) dollars in their sequined gowns, but there wasn’t enough glitter in the world to hide the fact that there were a few nut jobs.
Warning: Everyone this season is brunette. It’s inevitable that you’ll be confused and get everyone’s name mixed up, so I’ve decided to help you out. I’m giving some of last night’s standouts some nicknames to help you keep track of their Canuck kind of crazy.
Chili’s is a philosophy student and waitress who greeted Timbo with shots. I’m not sure if this was the best approach, but it was cute. Chili’s got a little upset when her time with Timbo was cut short by other contestants trying to get some face time with the bachelor. My guess is she spent the rest of the night talking about Kant and asking the other girls if they needed a refill on their champagne. Werk for those tips, Chili’s.
Renée- Anne “Rene Angélil”
Renée is an ER doctor, which means she’s the only contestant on the show with a real job. I’ve decided to nickname her René Angélil (Celine Dion’s husband) because she’s got the most smarts out of all the divas this season. RA gave Timbo a prescription for a good time, probably a refillable prescription of Valtrex (just in case) and spent the party mingling with the rest of the contestants.
I actually really like this girl. I’m putting her in my final 3 for the whole show. She gave Timbo a seashell to help him remember her name. It got a little weird when she told him to keep it in his pocket, so whenever he felt it during the night he’d think of her.
Seashell must have spent a lot of time on Tinder, because things went to an inappropriate place in a hot minute. Still, I’m putting my money on Seashell to stick around until the end of the show!
Kaylynn “Black Swan”
Just like Natalie Portman, this chick went from likable ballerina to bat shit crazy within 2 hours. Timbo and Kaylynn shared a moment where they talked about their insecurities. Yes, Canada. Apparently, beautiful people have problems too. Timbo tried to tell Kaylynn that he used to be made fun of when he was younger because, “he used to not be very good looking.”
Black Swan was the first to cry this season after Timbo gave several roses to other contestants before the rose ceremony even began. This prima wondered out loud what Timbo saw in the other contestants that he didn’t see in her.
Gee, I don’t know? Sobriety? The ability to form healthy attachments? Take your pick.
Natalie “Kate Middleton”
I’ll be shocked if Kate Middleton doesn’t leave this show with a giant cushion cut engagement ring because she’s definitely the front runner this season. Just like the Duchess of Cambridge, this girl is beautiful, and will wreck your hopes and dreams of becoming a princess. She made it a LITTLE awkward by asking Timbo within the first five seconds of chatting what his first impression of her was. Note to Timbo: Just pet her hair and tell her she’s beautiful. That’s probably all she wants.
Kate Middleton FTW!
Christine “Little Streisand”
There’s one every year. Unfortunately, Christine is season’s fame seeker. Streisand Jr. made things really awkward by singing Timbo a song that she wrote for him. Obviously not a hearing man, Timbo gave lil Streis the First Impression Rose probably to shut her up, but most likely because she took a risk. A really, really, really, weird and awkward risk.
April “The Vagician”
Meet Amy. Amy likes burlesque. Amy works as a Wax Artist and refers to herself as a “Vagician”. Amy exited the limo in a cloud of gold glitter. Amy likes to get naked and for her birthday fulfilled her life long dream of becoming a cheerleader. Amy got a rose. Amy is my new favourite person of all time.
Sonia “Stacey’s Mom”
Remember that song, “Stacey’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne? That’s pretty much all I hear when I see Sonia on screen. Sonia is a 42 year old lingerie model who has a better body than anyone I know, including my 40 year old friend who looks like the extra in a Whitesnake video (that’s a compliment in my books). I’m pulling for Stacey’s Mom to school these young bitties and steal Timbo’s heart. You go, Stacey’s Mom. You’ve got it going on.
Trisha “Miss Grand Supreme”
Trisha is a professional Beauty Queen. I’m not really sure what that means, but I’m pretty sure it comes with a sense of entitlement and an inflated ego. Trisha is beautiful, no doubting that – but she threw a little bit of a shit fit when her name wasn’t immediately called during the rose ceremony. She was two seconds from lighting a baton on fire and twirling it with all her might. Miss Grand Supreme has the potential to win the title of Mrs. Timbo if she can keep the pouting to a minimum and tries a little harder to win Miss Congeniality.
Finally! A little diversity! This is Lisa. You may recognize her from the Twilight Saga. You should, because Lisa wore the exact same outfit as Victoria from the first Twilight movie (why the hell do I know so much about Twilight?). Twilight is already being painted in previews as the mean girl of the group. So she spilled her drink all over a girl’s dress during the first hour. Does one mean act mean she’s a mean girl? Is this because she has red hair?!
In all seriousness, it looks like Twilight goes pretty far this season. I’m making her my pick for the final three, simply because TV viewers eat this shit up, and in Bachelor history, the mean girl usually makes it to the very end. I’ll wish her good luck, because she actually scares the crap out of me.
There’s a few other girls who didn’t make TOO much of an impression on me which means they’re probably relatively sane
As of Episode 1 my money is on Kate Middleton, Seashell and Twilight as the final three.
Did you watch?
Tell me what you think!
*The opinions stated in this post are entirely my own. I’m in no way affiliated with Bachelor Canada. However, if they would like to send me a Rimmel makeup gift bag I can be reached at 905-632….