I don’t like to tell many people this, for fear of them asking me for my professional opinion at cocktail parties, but I’m actually a doctor.
No, I don’t have a medical degree. That’s just a minor technicality when you think about it. What I DO have is 177 hours of experience at Princeton-Plainsboro, 102 hours from Seattle Grace, 46 hours from All Saint’s in New York City. It may seem impossible, but I’ve done this all from the comfort of my own home.
My attending physicians were pretty popular, so don’t mind me as I name drop, Dr. Gregory House, Dr. Meredith Grey and Nurse Jackie, but I owe these people, nay, these medical pioneers, everything I know. You see, television has filled me with such a
false sense of confidence when it comes to medicine.
While I was glued to my television watching Izzie Stevens cry about her recently departed fiance, my brain was actually soaking up SO much information about blood clots, LVAD wires, heart transplants, and appropriate doctor/patient relations.
I also really got into the band Snow Patrol, but this is no time to talk about music.
I’m young! I’m smug! I have perfectly straight teeth! I’m pretty sure TV says that’s all you need to be a doctor.
Here’s my 12 step guide to accurately diagnosing an illness so that you too, can become a doctor:
Step 1: Rule out Lupus. Easy peasy.
Step 2 – Get a full patient/family history and try to resist falling in love with said patient
Step 3: Run a blood panel
Step 4: Order a CT/MRI (which seem to be pretty easy to get, right?)
Step 5: Stop for a quick romp in the break room with the hot brain surgeon
Step 6: Wait for the bomb to be dismantled in the hospital basement
Step 7: Accidentally, make the wrong diagnosiss causing the patient to get progressively worse
Step 8 Take a moment to cry dramatically
Step 9: Threaten to quit because being a doctor seems so damn hard
Step 10:Wait for the patient to be on their death bed then finally conclude it’s Amyloidosis
Step 11: Save patient
Step 12: Decide not to quit medicine after all
Listen, this is Netflix Institute of Learning type, shit. You can’t learn this from any textbook. It’s all from the heart.
Don’t feel bad about yourselves. I’m not the kind of doctor that can prescribe meds so, I mean, things aren’t THAT glamorous.
I am however the friend you want to run all your aches and pains by to avoid going to an actual doctor. I’ll diagnose your cold as African Sleeping Sickness, your hot flash as the Marburgvirus, and I’ll suggest we amputate if you have a hang nail.
So, secret’s out. I’m a doctor. You’re a doctor. We’re all doctors. We’re all experts because we saw it once on TV,read about it on Web MD or did a Google Image search. I know I’m supposed to trust the people with the fancy white coats, but it’s just so hard to believe they know what they’re talking about!
Maybe if I had a lobotomy life would be easier…I think I could actually just do that myself (you just shove something up your nose, right?)
Oh, and before I forget, one day I’ll tell you about how I’m also lawyer, I work for the CIA and in my free time I’m a vampire slayer.