Ok, listen. Angelina Jolie is basically the closest thing I have to Jesus. She’s here to forgive your sins and make more money than a small country. All y’all may not get it, but to me she’s perfection.
Photos were released today from Jolie’s August nuptials to Brad Pitt and let me tell you, my phone was blowin’ up! Not really. Maybe like, three people texted me. I should also mention I’m watching Chrisely Knows Best so that’s why my tone is a little southern and sassy. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit. Anyways, my friends were less than impressed with Jolie’s Atelier Versace gown and Colour Me Mine veil, but I was immediately in love.
Let’s face it. Pitt and Jolie did this for the kids. In the 9 years that they’ve been genetically superior to us all as a power couple, they’ve been deflecting questions about tying the knot. Then came the engagement and Jolie’s recent health issues, and it seemed like it was finally time for the clan to cement their status and head down the aisle. For better or worse, for richer and even richer, in sickness and in health, for as long as their box office reign continues.
This wedding wasn’t cookie cutter. Style Me Pretty is probably having heart palpitations at the lack of blush and lace. Mindy Weiss probably wasn’t attached to this. This was all Zarhara Jolie-Pitt and Co. You know these kids planned everything top to bottom. They probably scribbled for days to design that veil. You mad at it? Just remember collectively and individually they have more money and pull than you. They must have been so excited to see their design on their Madre (I think I spotted a robot on that veil). To be honest, I would pay money to hear Shiloh explain those drawings – it would probably blow my mind and be some big commentary on the strength of the human spirit.
Would I ever let my kids design an aspect of my wedding? Probably not. I’m just not that good of a person. Plus, I’m not pretty enough to be a human refrigerator and display my kid’s artwork. Everyone would think I fell asleep in a kindergarten classroom and was the victim of a drive-by art attack. Angelina on the other hand kills it. She looks proud, happy and (obviously) beautiful.
Face it. Angelina doesn’t give a rat’s behind about your fashion standards. She does everything and anything strictly to make her family happy. If you got a problem with that, go back to IMDB and pick a new celeb to troll.
Me and my saviour? We’re outta here.